Son Being Judged by Friend's Mommy ...and Found Lacking

What do you know about his home life? Some kids are angels with other adults and complete nightmares with their own family. The parents may be justified in trying to modify his behavior. Or they may be complete tyrants. From the outside you may never know. I feel like you need more info before you can work this situation.

That kid is going to go down a bad road because his mom has taking this too far. He will start sneaking out, making bad choices and oh will it get worse. I thing is kids are only kids for so long. Let them be kids. I am very close to all my kids. We have a very open relationship. I treat them with respect and they treat me with respect. They are freshman in highschool. geez not babies.

I am really interested in what HER take of your son is.
If the mom wants to keep her son away from your kid there must be a reason, I wonder what it is?
I ALWAYS had to do chores before I could go somewhere.
"Dad, can I go to Sarah's house?"
Dad - Well, did you pull all the weeds in the front yard?"
Me- No
Dad- Well, get that done and then you can.

L.

You are way too into your children's lives. By high school your son should be working through this stuff on his own but he can't because mommy is obsessed.

How does your home being lacking mean your son is lacking? Sounds like she is fine with your son coming over, she just doesn't like you or how you parent.

Don't make this about your son when it appears it is about you.

I can't comment on the other mom, I have no idea why she is doing that or even if it's true (not to say you are lying, but kids do exaggerate). What struck me was this, "They have been best friends for 2 years and have only 2 classes (of 8) together at school so this after-school time is kinda critical to them hanging out." This is not true. My kids have plenty of friends they only see on the weekends or less often, and it doesn't affect their friendships. One of my sons ONLY sees his girlfriend on the weekends, and their relationship is enviable.
Whatever the situation is with your son's friend, it might be a good time to encourage him to make other friends, too.

I don't know... could be. Could be that there are valid reasons for it, too. (I'm not saying there are such reasons in your case, only that you are giving your side of the story only... right?)

Seems a bit much, based on YOUR perceptions, but you really didn't give that much specifically. Yeah, my sophomore son has responsibilities, and some times of the year there are more things than others--that would be particularly the case if I didn't have a husband at home to help/do certain things.
You said, " I was told in February that my home is not the environment that this mom prefers for her son." Who told you that and under what circumstances? Did the mom call you up one day and announce that she didn't prefer your home environment for her son? If so, did she give specifics as to why? If she didn't give specifics, can you think of any reason she might feel that way?

There are TONS of things that are not included in your brief synopsis. So there is no way to tell if she is making up chores to separate the two boys. Maybe her family just has different expectations for their teen boys than you are accustomed to. Maybe she feels like your son is a bad influence on her son for some reason. Maybe they are jerks and abusive and controlling. Maybe she is justified b/c there are things she has found out that go on at your house that she disapproves of (maybe if you aren't home when the boys are there)...
There just isn't enough information here to make any sort of guess as to whether this is subtle separation, and if it is, whether it is justifiable.
Sorry.
--
By the way, I'm kinda curious about them "being best friends for the past two years, only have 2 classes together and so it is critical for them to have after-school time to hang out" part of this. My son is 15 in 10th grade. He has friends. Several... including some in the neighborhood. I don't find it "critical" that he see these friends outside of school. And he doesn't have classes with most of them, or perhaps only one class. He's a fairly well adjusted young man, and he's on the wrestling team. He just isn't that involved with school social stuff on the weekends. When wrestling is going on, yeah.. but the rest of the time? not really. I asked my husband about it a while back, and he said it is fairly typical for boys. They don't behave the same as girls at that age, socially. Said probably when he can drive, he will express more concern/interest in getting together on the weekends.
So, honestly, I find that whole scenario about it being "critical" for them to get together outside of school a little odd.
A fun thing, sure. Something they look forward to, so they can play video games or see a movie, or whatever... of course. But a standing date on the weekends to hang out? Not so much.
Is it possible that we are reading this backwards, and that YOUR son is the needy one?

You can't really control other people. If this woman doesn't want her son to come over to your house then your son needs to see his friend somewhere else, either at his house, hanging around the library or Starbucks or whatever after school. They could join a sport or a club together, LOTS of ways to hang out at this age.
I get that you're offended but like I said, nothing you can do about it, and your son is plenty old enough to manage his friendships without having "playdates."

I agree with Julie S. You are way too much in your son's friendship. It is just a few short years your son will be a legal adult. He needs to pick his own friends and work out the logistics of time spent with them.

As a parent you do need to know who his friends are and their parents as well but that is just about as far as you want to take it. We can't choose our family but we can choose our friends. Teaching your son to choose wisely and handle the various personalities and what not is how we help them as parents.

The way I see it. This is something your son has to work out for himself without his well intentioned smoothering mother. Let him begin to become a man. He is capable of more than you are giving him credit for. Let him work it out.

Well there are two possibilities. First, let's assume that your perception is accurate and that this is about your son/your house. There are some things that make me strongly discourage friendships for my two teenagers (both 16). The list is long, but the general theme is my perception of inadequate parenting and supervision - either the parents are routinely not home at all for hours and hours when the kids are there - which is not allowed in my house - or the parents are at home but might as well not be because they're lazy, tired, distracted, busy or self-absorbed to such a degree that they really have no idea what's going on in their house or they know what's going on but don't care. Or I think the kids are lazy, entitled, and have no responsibilities. So...if it's possible that in this mom's perception you fall into that category, then maybe it really is about your son/your house. Or maybe your son is trouble. If none of that is likely...

The second option is that it's not about your son/you at all and that either the kid is more trouble than you realize or that his parents have different expectations for chores and social life than you do. FWIW, my older kids rarely spend time with friends during the week, they're too busy. If they're not doing a sport or activity after school, then they are baby-sitting their younger brothers while I'm at the office, doing chores, and of course doing homework. On weekends, they often have to fit in their chores before they're allowed to hang out with friends. And some days, they don't get to hang out with friends at all but are expected to give me a full day of help around the house and yard - clearing brush, trimming tree branches, power washing the deck, opening or closing the pool, moving rocks, spreading loam and mulch, building fences, repairing masonry, painting etc. Cutting down trees is not an unreasonable chore for a teenage boy, nor is it unreasonable to expect teenagers to keep their socializing contained mostly to the weekend.

You found out that your house is not the environment this other Mom prefers for her son.
Do you know exactly what she is objecting to?
Do you cuss a lot or let the kids play mature rated video games?
Do you let them surf the web and not keep an eye on what they are doing?
Is she a bigot or doesn't like your color or the way you pray or are you too rich or too poor?
What ever her reasons, valid or not, she's got control of her son for right now but in a few years he'll graduate and will be off to college and she'll control him a whole lot less.
He might be a total snot at home.
She might be a tyrant.
You just don't know.
How she raises her kid is not something you can control.

I initially thought this was about two young school-aged children. Not HS freshmen. This is too much work to maintain a friendship. Your son should seek out other frienship relationships that would provide him with other company. I too am a mom that believes that you do your chores and handle your responsibilities before you play. You are too involved in trying to figure out the "why" behind his mother's decisions. Being friends should not have to be this much darn work, but what can you really do about it??? I'm sure the mom has her reasons, but she doesn't have to disclose them. She could be managing a "situation" with the son that you are not aware of.

Did the mom tell you your home was not a good environment or did you hear this from her son? More importantly, how does your son feel about all this? Alot of times as mothers, we let our emotions and involvement far exceed what is appropriate when it comes to our kids and their friends. Let your son navigate his friendship. He may not be as invested as you think he is.

It would help to know more, as others noted. The tone of your post indicates to me that you and the mom clearly are not friends and don't really communicate other than perhaps about details of your sons' meetings--is that accurate? Do you ever talk with her on other subjects, or spend any time chatting with her in other circumstances--?

You say you've "watched the other boy do countless chores." So the mom actually has you and/or your son stand there and wait while the son does these chores in front of your son, you and mom like you're witnesses? If that's the case, it seems as if she's almost intent on punishing or shaming him in front of others; chores are not shaming in themselves, of course, but telling guests to wait and watch while her son chops down a tree, and making a get-together dependent on how well he "performs"? Did you see this one with your own eyes too? How does the mom react: Is she beaming with pride as in, "See how strong he is, he's such a good kid" etc. or is she glowering, as in, "Well, we all have to wait now while Billy does this and he knows you have to leave if he doesn't hustle!" In other words -- please let us know how this mom seems to be acting when she's doling out these chores. So she's really having him do them with his guest and his guest's mom standing right there, waiting for completion before guest and her son can see each other?

If that's the case -- that is troubling.

But as others noted too, the boy may be different with her from what you see of him with your son. There may be disciplinary issues that the family resolves by having him pay for any fun with chores. I'm not saying that's sensible or works, but you and I don't know the back story, if that's what's going on.

How were you told that your home isn't the environment she likes for her son? Did she tell you herself or relate it through your son ? The former would be at least decent of her, but if she told your son that, she was out of line; that's an issue for the adults to handle, not the kids. Did she give any details, or did your son if he related that news?

So many questions here and some depend on your own home situation and whether she has any reason to not want her son at your house. Those reasons may not make any sense to you but may make some twisted sense to her--though that does not mean there's anything you should change.

Sounds like she has her son on a very short leash. Does she do this with other kids or is your son the only friend her son has? I'm guessing yes....As for what you and your son should do: If this other boy is an OK kid with a really strict family, and your son's his only friend and your son also just likes him -- I'd try to keep up the friendship somehow if your son is up for that. This kid may need the friendship more than you know. It may be decided for you, though, if the mom is now saying she doesn't want her son at your home; the natural corollary to that is her saying next that your son isn't welcome at her home either.

poor kid.
they may just have to be friends at school. there's not much you can do, other than be open to the friendship on your end, and let her control and micromanage as much as she sees fit.
they're in high school. they'll figure out how to stay friends (at this age they no longer need managed playdates, since that's entirely how kids form bonds any more it seems).
it's a pity, but there it is.
khairete
S.

If you haven't talked with this mother it's time to do so since you have issues with her.

I don't see any hoops for you or your son to jump through. It sounds like this mother has set boundaries. All you have to do is honor her boundaries. I get that you don't agree with them. It sounds like you want her to be more like you.

Your son is old enough to navigate his relationships. Why are you stepping in? I understand being upset with the comment that your home hasn't the right environment. I would clarify that with her for my own wondering.

I, too, suggest that you don't have the whole picture and are judging rather than recognizing that parents are different in their expectations. If you don't talk with the mom then let it go. Allow your son to maintain the friendship in whatever works for him.

And stop telling him his friend's mother is unreasonable. As parents we need to support other parents to our children. If we disagree we need to not judge their choicez. I suggest you need to tell your son that you disagree with their parenting style but his parents have the responsibility to parent as they think is best for their family. Perhaps you don't have the right environment is because you verbalize your disagreement with their parenting and thus are undermining their authority. Even if you've only said this to your son it will have gotten back to his friends mom. I can hear him saying "so and so's mom says you're to hard on me."

You feel judged. I suggest so does his mother.

I'm really curious what the other mom would post about this situation.

EDIT: Huh, I see several other posters had the same thought I did. :-)

I think it torques off some parents when their kid prefers to spend time at another home.

So what's going on (or not) in your home that is making this other mom not trust her kid visiting?

Birdsfreakmeout is right. Even now when my son asks if he can go out to play I say, "is your homework done, is your room clean...etc". Only then can he go. So why is she not wanting her son to go to your house? And they will be driving shortly and seeing each other at school functions so I guess if it were me, I would chalk it up to, oh well, they will have to see each other when they can. I don't think there is much you can "do" about it. Good luck.

I think I am missing something.

For too long (my generation included) teen have had very little responsibility. The fact that this mom is able to stick to her word and in force real chores is amazing to me. At times it is pulling teeth for me to get my son (age 7) to clean his room. Usually it is easy when there is a reward (about to go to somewhere fun for him).

Would your son be allowed to help with the chores? He might feel some pride after accomplishing a real chore.

I do not allow my son at some kids homes because I found out they are allowed to play video games (multiplayer and unsupervised). My son is in 1st grade and this is not a can of worms I want to open.

As for the toddler napping excuse, I feel some people really needed this nap time. Others with multiple kids have been more flexible. There are some kids who become extremely difficult when their schedule is messed up. I had my kids flexible (or maybe I was lucky). I did not take it as a snub when the others could not be as flexible.

When you/your son can, you can, you can and when you can't, you can't. Don't be too involved and tell your son, "Sorry, I know it stinks. How about you invite John over instead?"

I would also counsel my child to not be manipulated by this person. If she is unpleasant toward her child, that is one thing. But don't let it become that she takes out whatever on your son. It may simply be about her and not really about you at all.

The only times we didn't permit a child in our home or laid out rules of friendship was when there was a problem with that child. Has there been a problem? Either with your son or with hers? My SS did not take anything to his friend's house and always visited there after we caught the boy stealing from our home. We let SS decide to end the friendship but we said we had to have boundaries to protect the other 3 people in this house.

I would also encourage him to make the most of school time, like lunches. It may be that next year they do sports or theatre or a club and can spend time there. Everybody in our household has "best friends" that we may not see outside of work or a club for weeks. The frequency has no bearing on it. I know, for example, that my DD's best school pal is a sweet child with two FT working parents. They are very busy. Getting together is just hard due to everything that must be fit in between 6PM and 8:30PM. So the girls seek each other out at lunch and recess.

Holy cow they are in high school. Why are you so involved in his life? Let him work things out. I am sure he is capable OT picking out who he wants to be friends with.

What's going on in your home that she does not want him there.

Sure sounds that way. But then again maybe she's trying to make sure her son is doing what comes first and directing him so she maintains a handle on things. It sounds like a bit much though.

We tend to parent the way our parents raised us. I, also, had a clean up before you leave rule. Most of the chores went undone until he was in a rush to go somewhere, so that rule works wonders.

Maybe the mom had been nagging him to chop wood and he had procrastinated.

Either there is something wrong going on in your house according to this mom, or this is a COMPLICATED issue for this boy, with your son being used as a pawn.

Is there a possibility that this mom thinks that her son may be gay, and by default, think that perhaps your son is too? If this is the case, I disagree with her way of handling it...

I surely think it's possible that this is about the kid not studying enough, or not finishing his work at home, etc... I agree with the moms who say that you cannot deal with this issue. The boys will just have to be friends at school if this mother continues.