Son Entering Pre-school for First Time, Need Advice for Possible Sep. Anxiety.

Hi G.,
I went back to work part-time four months after my son was born, so you might want to take my advice with a grain of salt, but from what I've seen at my son's preschool (he is also 4.5), kids adjust in a few weeks. They seem to really enjoy being around other kids. My son used to be easily overwhelmed by new situations, but he did just fine. It seems that kids are far more adaptable than we adults! A few pieces of advice: Try to keep your anxiety level down as much as possible; our kids pick up on our anxieties and then they start to worry, too. Visit the school for an hour or so (if they let you) with your son the week before he starts so that you can introduce him to his new environment (and both go hime together). He might even be willing to play with the other kids a bit before it's time to go. The day before your son starts, talk to him briefly about his new routine. Explain what he will do at school during the day and that you will always remember to pick him up at the end of the school day. Do not linger at drop-off. As much as you might want to look through the windows to make sure he's ok, don't. You can probably call the school to get updates for his first week or two, and if you leave looking comfortable and confident, he is more likely to feel that way, too. He might have a tough time for a few weeks, though not necessarily, but if you linger he will learn that he can kep you hanging around by getting upset. Sadly, you'll need to go through this separation process sooner or later. Talk to your son's teacher about kids he is playing with (or with whom it would be good for him to play) and set up a few playdates outside of school to develop a few one-on-one relationships more quickly. It's hard to find the time but well worth it. Good luck! I'm sure your son will do just fine. Enjoy being back at work!
K.

Hi G.,
I am the owner of a pre-school and have been in the field for about 30 years. The best thing you can do for your son is to get him into pre-school ASAP. What will help him adjust most is your adjustment to being separated from him. Perhaps the following information can help you understand the importance of sending him to pre-school. First of all, he will be entering kindergarten in about 8 months where he will more than likely be with other children who have spent 1 or 2 years in pre-school and have already worked through many things such as socialization, self-help skills, following directions, trusting in others as well as some academics. So, as you can see, it's in his best interest for you to feel good about him going to pre-school. Your enthusiasm and positive attitude about him being a "big boy" will help him work through the separation anxiety of which there will definetly be some. He will more than likely cry and say he doesn't like school. He will probably say the kids are mean and so are the teachers. But remember that it looks that way to him because he is used to the close nurturing you've given him. If you are strong and persistent about his attendance, he will come to love pre-school and not want to leave when you pick him up (don't take it personally). I hope you stay strong and give your son the opportunity to grow through his experience. Good Luck

Hi G.,

Have you set it up so he can transition gradually - because to enter a preschool with all those kids and strange adults is unsettling for all kids -even older ones. Can you arrange that the same person to help him say good bye as much as possible(somebody he likes) - can your mom pick him up early in the first few weeks ? Put together a little picture book of home and family for your child to take out - a favorite little toy for the pocket( slightly more risky - yes). Also what about a small in home nieghborhood place ? Lots of children do not necessarily equal a true 'socialization' experiance- look at quality vs overwhelm particually for 'slow to warm up -PEOPLE. There is nothing wrong with that type of cautiousness - you will be thankful for that as your child grows older.

I also found that 'on the ground' my child saw my day care of choice with very different eyes - listen closely. I think we often want to believe in 'the potential' of what a place is and what the 'owners' what us to see vs our children's true experiance. I didn't always see the compromising situations until it had become intolerable to one of my kids. ALWAYS keep another option for plan B in mind - Don't get 'fixed' on the one place and don't be afraid to move your child from a dissatisfactory situation because of transitioning. Often daycare providers( and teachers) show one face to parents and another to the children.

Watch out for people who become defensive when you bring up issues your child has brought to you or discounts your child's experiance or says your child just needs more and more time to adjust. I have 3 kids 18, 12 & 10 and have seen a lot of daycare & school. My kids were on the money EVERY TIME if the compliant is more than 2x - it's serious business and you can be sure it's not just happening to your kid. I don't mean to become suspicious But please listen carefully and TRUST your child.
Good Luck to you and your child

Hi G.-
It's so good you have concerns about this, as transitions of this sort are very important in a young child's life. Two great tools are:
1. Take it slow. Go to his preschool with him before he actually begins, and spend some time doing an activity with him there, or just watching the action, if he's feeling a little slow to warm up. Do this a least a couple of times before he begins. Your acceptance of the place will help him trust the new environment. Then when he does begin, stay for a half hour or so with him the first day, then let him know, as you have been, that you'll be back. Never sneak away; always say goodbye, even if he cries. The tears rarely last long once mom's gone. Make sure there's ateacher available to help him move into whatever activity is going on-
2. Let him choose a transition object: a picture of you, a special rock from home that can fit in his pocket,etc. He can look at it or touch it if he gets scared or lonely. Be sure his teachers know he will have it so they can help him use it if he needs.
He'll probably do fine! Kids this age love to be with others.
S.

A little about me: 53, birth mother of three, step- and foster- mother to several others, 6 grandkids, I'm a doula and Early Childhood Development Specialist.
S.

This is a normal reaction. I am associated with pre-school involving parents interacting with their child at school and at home. Yes, your child may go through anxiety for a few days and cry for days but children get over it. Never sneek away from them. Tell them what time you will be back. However, the pre-school I associate with allows parents and grandparents to spend some time in the classroom (volunteering). Discuss your concerns with the teacher and pray she/he will understand your situation, as I said, this reaction is normal. I have had parents do all the crying and guess what you're gonna cry when they go to college and cry at the wedding, so keep plenty of napkins. Giving your child a solid foundation while they are young will get them a long way. The parents of the children I work with tell me (and also statistics say) their child has many successful days and are advanced in many areas of learning after being in pre-school. The socialization is wonderful. So many things to discover. You must be strong for your child to let them go, of course they don't understand you leaving them, but they will get use to it and make plenty of new friends along the way. I guarantee a successful ending and happy Kindergarten days ahead.

Hi G.,
It's very difficult. My daughter went to preschool for almost a year before she got into the separation anxiety phase. The important thing is to make your child comfortable with her surroundings first. Like Karen said, visit the school first with your son, if you can. Then the first day, you need to just go in, drop your son off, let him know that you'll be back to pick the up, and leave, no matter what! He'll probably cry, and it's difficult to leave them when they're in that state, but it's important to just leave. When you pick him up, remind him that you promised that you'd come back and that you did.
But it's very important for him to go to Preschool. I volunteer in my daughter's Kindergarten classroom (and did with my older daughter's class as well), and it's immediately very evident which children haven't gone to preschool. Also, it's so sad when a Kindergartener has the separation anxiety issues.
I wish you the best of luck, I know it's difficult, I've been there. I would frequently walk away in tears myself, seeing that reaction, but in the end, it worked out. It took about 3 or 4 times.

With 3 children (2 are twins) you have to be strong. As you leave kiss him, tell him that you love him and will see him or be back to pick him up after work. Then turn and walk out.
I use to sneek a peek without my children knowing and after a few moments of tears each one would stop and go on like nothing happened. Consistency was the key for me and faith in their teacher to handle their fear or anxiety. Hang in there; I believe it's more stressful and painful on the parents than on the children.

I suggest framing all discussions about these changes in positive terms.
Check with your librarian about books about starting school which have positive tones and outcomes and read them over and over and over; four year old's usually love repetition. The difference between starting pre-school and Kindergarden is not very big, so beginning school books in general would be good. Kids love to look up to big kids anyway, so a book about older kids would probably appeal.
You can ask the school if you and your son (or his grandma and he) can come to visit for a few times before you leave him for a full day. Each time visit for a little longer, or start leaving him for a shorter time and then build up to longer.
Have him share with you all about his day and be very positive about this.
Be happy and excited to see him when you pick him up.
My advice is as much preparation as possible helps kids adapt.

I too had a similar issue although my daugther was only 15mos when I started back to work full-time. The best advice I can give you is to relax and not over-react to the separation issues I am sure you both will experience. Children do adjust to new routines and while he will be more clingy and have a hard time at first, as things progress and he sees that you are not really "gone" he will adjust too. My daughter cried every day I left her for almost a month. I felt terrible but I really stuck to a routine of how I said good bye and I didn't make a big fuss over it and when I called the first few days right after leaving the teachers at the daycare/preschool would tell me she had stopped crying by the time I got to the parking lot and was playing or engaged in some other activity. The best part was that she did make friends and learn how to socialize and by taking her in the same way every day and saying good bye with a hug and kiss after signing her in etc., it set the stage for a nice routine. Don't linger, don't sneak away -be upfront and tell them they will have a good time and that you will see them soon etc. Now my daughter loves going and sits at her little table with her snack and waves goodbye to me after we have a hug and a kiss etc. Don't be surprized if now and then your son reverts back to being clingy with you after you think you have it all worked out - this is also normal.

Good luck, don't worry as most kids make this transition fairly easily it is the parent(s) who actually have a harder time.

T.

It's such a milestone putting your son in preschool. I have a boy about to turn 4 who's been in a program two days a week since August, and here's my advice to help ease the transistion:

If you can, visit the school with him before it's time to start; he can meet the teachers, see what fun (hopefully) the other kids are having, and you can talk with him about what activities are there. If he has been around other kids before, it might not be a big deal- especially since he's already started staying with Grandma instead of you. He might be more ready than you think. That said...

Expect some anxiety and even tears during the second week. It happened to almost every kid at my son's preschool, including him, that even the ones who were fine the first week, creid at drop of the second week. Every one is fine now! If you are going to be emotional, try not to let him catch on. I cried in the car after I dropped my little guy off the first time. Silly to think of since what we want is to raise an independent child! It was a big deal for me, though.

Best wishes, and good luck with your new job.

Hi G.-
I am a grandma as well as a mom and a nurse. I would suggest taking your son to the preschool (and letting "Grandma" go, too) before your son actually starts there. Speak with the teachers and explain your concerns and ask if you can spend the entire day (or two). Snack time and circle time are times your son may have more difficulty adjusting to than free play time or music, etc. But with patience, your son will be waving and saying "Bye Mom" as he runs off to his new friends. I just hope that doesn't make you too sad! :) Preschool is definitely a great idea if you can afford it. It helps children prepare socially as well as academically. You have been blessed by being able to stay at home with him for 4 wonderful years. You sound like you're doing all the right things, Mom! Keep up the good work! V. in Vacaville

I have a 5 and a 6 year old and I was also mostly a stay at home mom with my kids for the most part. I am very big with socilizing and haveing my kids with me while I am with my friends. So my kids were good at the socilizing. I was so worried when my first son went to preschool. I don't know what type of preschool that you are looking in to but instead of paying money for my kids to go into the school the parents had to volunter 6 hours a month. The first day my oldest went to school I had to finish up some of the paper work and then I had intend to say with him, unfortinatly he was read to get rid of me because he asked me when I was going to leave. He may fuss when you leave but when they are with other kids his age it maybe different. If not maybe volunteering that day and playing games with him and the other kids may help. That way you can be the one that starts the game playing and introductions for the other kids. Plus when you play with him and the other kids you get to know the kids in his class. They will think that you are a cool mom and will love to see you come in and play with them again. At this time is when you willloose your name and become so and so's mom and that will stay with you for a while. It is such a good feeling when the kids start calling your name and tellin gyou to come play with them every time you see them. While helping your son you also maybe helping the other kids feel comfertable and that is also a wonderful feeling. Hope that helps and good luck

Reading books about preschool helped my son before he went into his first preschool (before he was in mine). I have my own Montessori Preschool. One way I have helped children ease anxiety once mommy has left for work is to do the kissing hand (have you ever heard of it?) You place a sticker on your hand and he places one on his and you each kiss each others and every time he thinks of you during the day he kisses his sticker and you tell him every time you think of him you will be doing the same. I also know of a book called The Kissing Hand. Although I do it a little different it is where the idea came from. Good luck

This separation anxiety is ongoing for many of us. I still feel pangs of it with my 13 year old, but he is very confident and secure when away from us. But this took a while for him. He was still not sleeping over at friend's until he was 12. My daughter was completely different. At 7, she would want to spend 2 or three days at friends' homes. So my point of telling you this is that as long as the staff of the child care facility and you give your son time to be who he is, then he should do alright. We have to allow our children to experience the stress related to separation in order for them to equip themselves to deal with it on their own in the future. The preschool teachers must know how to support a child dealing with separation anxiety without shaming or dismissing this important learning experience.

G.,
I was a pre-school teacher for 4 years, and can understand
what you are going through. I was pregnant with my second son when my first was in pre-school. First thing I would advise is to visit pre-schools without your child and narrow it down to a couple. I am sure if you are comfortable with the school your child will be too. Then take your child and see how they react to the enviornment,
teachers and other kids. Once you are happy with the place
talk to your child often about going to school and what they do there. There is a great book called "The Kissing Hand". It is about a mother raccoon that sends her son to school. We would read that to the kids and parents the first day of pre-school and then ask the parents to leave. I am now a teachers aide at a private elementary school and we do that on the first day of Kinder. too. The mom raccoon kisses her sons hand and tells him if there is anytime in the day when he misses her he can put his hand on his face and it is like she is giving him a kiss. Sounds kind of silly to adults, but it works. I have been a
teachers aide now for five years and I will tell you the parents always have a harder time than the kids. The best thing is a quick goodbye, there will most likely be tears
(from both of you, but try not to let your child see yours). As soon as the parent is completely out of sight(don't stay around they might see you), the tears, screaming,and fit will stop. It is not unreasonable to ask the teacher to call, or have an aide call, you when your child has stopped. You will be surprised how quickly they call. If they won't take a minute to do this you probably don't want to leave your child there anyway. So ask this at the first meeting. It really helps you go on with your day. I always made sure to do this and usually the parent hadn't even got to work before the phone was ringing.
I hope something here helps...Good luck. There will be seperation anxiety especially with the new baby coming, but
know that everyone goes through it. The kids don't remember a thing about it - but you will forever... I have a 17 & 12 year old and they both cried until they were in 1st grade - they don't remember, but I do. Every new step is scarry. Pre-school to K, elementary to middle school, and m.s. to high school (now that's a big one). No matter the age just make sure you reassure them that you will be back and to have lots of fun so they can tell you all about it later.
Good luck,
P. A.

Karen's advise is great especially about projected your own anxiety onto your son. Also when you drop him off you may want to take him directly to an activity that he enjoys or to one of the teachers who can direct him if he seems to be having problems. The teachers want to make them feel as comfortable as possible and should be willing to support your child. My now 5 year old tried to keep at school all the time. She would even cry, but I was always told she did fine after I left. Now that she's in kindergarten she is doing fine.

i was also a preschool teacher for a few years and i can not emphasis and agree enough with A QUICK GOODBYE. That is key to your child adjusting quickly. it WILL be hard for both of you but before you know it he will be forgetting to say goodbye to you because he will be busy playing with his new friends. i promise. good luck.

He's going to love it! Once your son develops bonds with the kids and his care providers or teachers, be prepared to have an increasingly independent young person. There are always those days where they cling and scream for dear life, but for 5 minutes max! After you leave they will find something more interesting and productive to do. Call and check in with preschool if you think it's not going well after you leave. Explain that Mom's and Dad's need to go to work so we can do fun things like go on vacation, go to the circus, buy new toys, etc. I tell my four year old that it's way more fun to go play with friends all day than to have to be quiet in my office. Tell them when you will be back and be there. Be prepared to get the rounds of cooties! I stayed at home for three years and after my husband and I divorced, came the need to work and
daycare and preschool, fortunately I have a flexible work schedule and an understanding boss who has 3 kids. The bottom line is your separation anxiety, when my daughter would sing all the way home (20 miles) from daycare, it made me feel a lot better about leaving her all day. Stay busy and it will help you get thru the day! Kids have adjusted to much worse situations. This is a positive growing up step. Good Luck!

hi. my daughter and i had the honor of spending all of our time together for a few years, except for dad or best friends watching her. when she went to preschool this last year for her first time we did miss each other. i think she liked how we intentionally met one teacher and one student each day to make a new friend. then she knew names and didn't have to be so shy. one of the daycare ladies was extra nice and let my daughter always be in her group, for a couple weeks, so she had some form of comfort. after a while she got used to all the teachers and was fine. i found that my hanging out there didn't really help her. she just missed me more. i think it is harder on us than them. i still have trouble leaving them at school. oh well. they are great. good luck.