My son is 5 years old and in a pre-kindergarten class. He loves going and has lots of friends but I've noticed that he tends to want to play most with a boy who is not such a good influence. My son has told me that this boy has said to him things like, he won't play with my son if he wears certain types of clothes, or if my son won't play certain games he won't be his friend. It's even to the point where this boy hits or does things to my son to make him feel belittled. I've talked to my son about making better choices in who he hangs out with. I've tried to talk to him and see if he would rather hang out with kids who make him feel more self worth or uplifted, but he always seems to want to play with the same boy. I noticed that even in pre-school my son tended to want to be friends with the one little boy who was more of a trouble maker. Any ideas on how I can get him to want to play with children who are a better influence??
Thank you so much for emailing me with your great ideas and responses. All of the responses have been things we tried to do - church (we've been attending since before our children were born), talk to the teacher, pick other groups of friends to play with outside of school, talk to the moms, etc. I think, at home, we've pretty much tried our best to teach the right stuff. I know he's never been bullied by an adult since I've been home with him since he was born and I don't bully. I'm just not sure why he is behaving the way he's behaving. The most recent thing that happened is that his teacher talked with a few of the moms (me included) and let us know that these 8 children (mine included) who play together at school,have become so disruptive in class that she is having a tough time teaching. She asked if we could try to work with our children and get them to be more obedient, and more self controlled. UGH!! It just seems to be getting worse since I put my son in school! He never had problems before this. Anyway, the moms (we met at the beginning of the school year and have become friends) are now at odds since we all are handling things differently. It's a big mess. I just don't know what to do!!
Maybe take him to Sunday school. He will learn the difference between good and bad behavior. He may be already intuitive enough to sense that the 'bad' kid needs a friend. It could be a good sign of his personality.
How about meeting with the other child's parents and explaining that while the children enjoy each other's company, there are behaviors that are unacceptable that need to be addressed. If necessary, keep them apart as much as possible - especially, no play dates, with that child. Also look to see if he is learning anywhere else that being treated in an unkind, manipulated or controlled, or abusve manner is acceptable.
Best wishes,
Hi K.,
I had the same problem with my son when he was in Kindergarten. This "bad" boy was really disturbed and after threatening and harming a number of children, we had to escalate things to the superintendent of schools and he was finally removed from the class. It was very sad. But here are some things we did before resorting to that level. 1) talk to the teacher and ask her to keep an eye on things and try to keep the boys separated as much as possible, 2) ask the teacher if the boy can get counseling, 3) ask the teacher to document any incidents and report them to the school office - the principal should be aware of what is going on in case things do escalate.
On a personal level, my son was hanging out with this boy for a week. The teacher used a color coding system so the parents could know how each child behaved/performed each day and my son went from a pink (the top level) to a yellow (near the bottom) during that week. I talked to my son about making better choices (like you did) but after that week, I told him he should limit his playing to children who also get on pink. that might sound harsh but I wanted to nip things in the bud and it worked. He stopped hanging out with this boy (for the most part) and went back to his usual self.
I hope this helps. All the best, C.
Hey K.,
Here are a few ideas for you - I hope they help.
1) Find another child that your son has an interest in and arrange a play date, and if it is successful, arrange another. When he has developed a friendship with another child, it will be easier for him to resist the allure of this bully.
2) Give him the words and skills to deal with kids like this - he will, sadly, encounter them his whole life. Let him know that when a person says he doesn't like your shoes, you can say, confidently - "Well, I like them! " And if he demands to play a certain game, help your son to make an alternative suggestion - "I don't want to play "Transformers" but we could ride trikes together!" And let him know that he can walk away and find someone else to play with. Helping him gain self-confidence will go a long way.
3) Children often are drawn to peers who engage them in play, even when it isn't positive play. Help your son to approach another child with a game plan - "Hey, you want to play with me - we could build something with the blocks?" This is often more successful than a simple "You wanna play?" Or help him to approach a group of kids that are playing together and find a way to help - "Hey - you guys are making a river - do you need more water - I could get some..." Role playing with your son can help him gain these skills.
4) Be comforted in knowing that at this age "I won't be your friend" really means "I am mad at you because I can't have my way." It is a momentary declaration. It does not have the deep meaning and long term impact it will have later in life.
5) Please talk with his teachers. They should be able to re-direct your child, make suggestions for possible playdates, and assist you in helping your son to become stronger through this experience.
Good Luck!
L. - Mother of two teenagers and a preschool teacher
Your situation reminds me of our eldest, Matt. And as I look back at his choice of friends over the years, I see that he chose the "bossy", confident friends in every situation, regardless of my guidance (or the play dates I arranged with others). He's a typical oldest child, a goal setter, high-achiever, perfectionist, responsible, organized, rule keeper, and determined, and I think that he feels more secure with those friends that present a stronger personality than his own. (Like the security of being with an adult.) He has also been able to see the the sophisticated social order of kids and he approaches his positioning in that order as a kind of a goal. (He focuses on the expectations of his teachers with the same kind of determination.) When I ask him about the boys he chose to hang with in preschool (he called them the "bad kids" back then, "Mom, I want to play with the bad kids."), he remembers the situation. Matt saw the social structure and knew that he wanted to hang with the leaders. My advice to you would be to provide for your son opportunities to see himself as a leader among his peers, understand that this bossy friend represents a comfort zone for your son, and keep a non-judgmental, open line of communication open for him to share with you any struggles he is having in learning how to stand up for himself. Would his dad be interested in coaching a sport team with him? YMCA pee-wee sports were great for us as his dad could model leadership and guide him in social situations.
My son is 6 now and he wears his lil heart on his sleeve. The stories are crazy, heart breaking, and sometimes funny as hell. They go through the learning process of making the right and wrong choices early on in school. I always tell my son pick the friends that are good to you and other people. The friends who won't get you in trouble or be mean to you. He gets pick on for his, choice to be the good kid, but always tells me how proud his teacher is of him for being good. And I always praise him too. He sticks up for the underdogs and plays with everyone. Just keep reminding your son their are plenty of kids to play with, but the bad ones never have any fun when they get caught or are in trouble. Kids are cruel and they will pick on eachother, but I remind my son not to pay attention to them. It's better to be a leader than a follower.
Hi K.,
My son is 5 years old too and he had a similar situation in preschool where he was friends with a kid who was really bad. One day the kid was nice, the next the kid was mean and would hit other kids. We asked the teachers to keep an eye on it for us. They said that for some reason the 2 of them always gravitated to each other.
We also talked to our son constantly about what is good behavior and what is bad and how we are supposed to treat other people like you want them to treat you. I think if you keep stressing what the good behavior should be, your son will not get too influenced by the bad kids. Then hopefully he won't be around this other boy after this year. I think that at 5 years old boys can't really distinguish which friends are "good choices". We try to help that along by suggesting play dates with some of the nicer kids in the class and getting to know the parents.
My son is now in Kindergarten. He said a boy in his class was making fun of a girl with Downs Syndrome who is also in his class. He was very upset by this and said the other boy was nice acting nice. I think our stressing the good behavior and the "do unto others" concept paid off. He still plays with kids who are not always nice, but he knows that he has to be nice no matter what the other kids are doing.
I hope this helps.
L. C.
I have the same exact problem and I have two boys ages 3 and 5. I keep ecouraging my son to be friendly to other children, actually giving him the words to do so. I pray it he will catch on to the fact there are other people to be friends with. That is all I can say.
I had the same problem with my little boy who is in the 1st grade. At first I was really surprised that he would hang out with these kids,That would be his friend only to a certain extent.Example he would have to give them he's chips or cookies during lunch. So what I did was put him in baseball, to get him involved with other kids in a better environment.
Dear K. ,
I am a second grade teacher and deal with this all the time. In my experience the best thing you can do is help your son be assertive and have better self esteem. Bullies choose docile kids to manipulate. Point out to your son that anyone who would manipulate him in those ways ifs not a "good friend" . Arrange for him to play with other children as much as possible. You can also request that his teacher intervene and the school counselor.
Hi K.,
I also have a 5 year old and a three year old. My 5 yr old is a girl in kindergarten and your dilemma sounds familiar. She absolutely adores this little girl who ignored her through pre school and then showed an interest in her this year. Anyhow this girl isn't so bad but, she says things like "you can't sit with me" or "I'm moving to another continent" (weird but it upsets my daughter because they're so called best friends). She generally enjoys being friends with my daughter and enjoys tormenting her as well. Although I wasn't expecting all this drama at such an early age, I think it's somewhat normal. Not hitting of course, I would probably let the teacher know about that. I think kids are exploring the boundaries of friendship, nevertheless in my case as well as yours it feels like we got stuck with the extreme cases!
I've been trying a couple of things:
- Each time my daughter comes home with a story of torment I gently give her advice.
like a similar story from my childhood where I take a break from playing with the friend
who hurt my feelings and told them they made me sad, etc. She loves hearing about how
this happened to me or daddy and how we handled it and it got better. I don't know about
your little guy, but she hates being told what to do and this is so much more effective in
our case.
- I also try to set up playdates every couple weeks with other kids in her class in order to
expose her to different friendships. So then hopefully she won't be too devastated if the
tormentor sets in, she'll instead play with another friend.
- I keep my eyes open for story books dealing with this issue for our storytime and have
discussions afterward that get her juices going and have her come up with resolutions at
the end that she'll hopefully remember when the time comes to resolve her own problem.
That being said, all we can really do is empower them and advise them on right from wrong.Child hood squabbles are normal and hopefully they'll learn about it now and not have to much drama later... Good Luck to you!
Sincerely, M.
Try talking to the teacher, and having her/him, talk to him about playing with everyone, not just one person.Plus, she should know if someone is hitting your son! Or, make a playdate with one of the other moms of a boy you'd like him to play with. This way he can see what it's like to play with a variety of people. As they go through each grade, I've noticed they tend to change friends a lot...depending on who is in their class. I've taught my daughter not to have just one specific friend, that she should make friends with a bunch of kids. Because, when someone is mad at you for whatever reason- you'll always have someone else to play with when you don't like the one friends behavior towards you.
Why don't you try to arrange a play date with your son's "new friend" at your house, one on one. Pre arranged activities and snack,then a little down time for them. You have the home court advantage, your son will be dressed and behave as he always does and the new friend, can then see that your son has a pretty normal environment, you get to observe him away from his school audience
For kids, believing is seeing. Maybe there's something lacking in this boys life, thus the clothes and rules bullying behavior.
absolutely had the same problem. the "bad kids" have convinced everyone that they are the "cool kids" but it really doesn't equate to that as we know. in our situation, i would go to visit the school and hang out during recess or other free play times to "volunteer" - i did guide my son towards playing with other kids at this time. also i set up play dates (this is KEY!) with the ones who had great parents and similar interests. that way when school day came around, they could pick up where they left off.
I am empathetic to your situation, as my youngest boy (now 7) also seemed to choose the trouble makers when in pre-school and even in kindergarten. My thoughts when reading your message are that even with some of those "bad infuences", my son is still one of the sweetest boys I know. Not to say that he didn't bring home some of the undesirable behaviors that he witnessed from this other child, but what we were able to accomplish, in our home, was the differentiaton between good and bad feelings as well as choices. Maybe our boys were/are just working out some clarification of right and wrong, socially and personally, on the playground, and what really resonates and solidifies is what they are taught, by example, at home.
HI K.,
My daughter was having problems with a little girl in Kindergarten. The whole year there were problems with bullying, both verbal and physical. The little girl in question was constantly lying about all sorts of things. (She told the whole class, including the teacher, that her mother was pregnant when she wasn't. Then she told everyone, including me, that her mother had had a little girl. She even gave the baby a name.) None of the other children wanted to play with her. I talked to the teacher about it a few times and was very upset. The next year both my daughter and this little girl were in the same class again, but this time with a really strict teacher. Suddenly, all the problems with this little girl went away! I noticed her parents seemed to be coming to more school functions together (they were divorced) so maybe they were more ameniable and this made her happier, but I really think it was the teacher that made the difference.
Here's the thing, if your kindergarten teacher cannot handle 20 kids in a classroom they have no buisiness teaching kids. My husband taught kindergarten for years with no problems. I hate to be anti-teacher but it sounds to me like your child's teacher is young and inexperienced and cannot handle difficulties in the classroom.
I would recommend just trying to get through the rest of the year. Don't let your son keep company with the problematic boy after school or on the weekend. Pick your son up promptly after school. Try to come in once a week or more to do "yard duty" so that you can keep an eye on things at the school during lunch. This is what I did when my daughter was having so many problems with the little girl in I mentioned earlier. I went every other day at lunch and kept an eye on things. When the little girl noticed that I was keeping an eye on her she stopped bothering my daughter. Actually she was sort of sweet. I was always really nice to her and made an effort to pay attention to her in a really positive way. (You never want to belittle someone else's child.)
Hopefully next year you will have a better teacher. If the school is large enough you might even be able to switch your son over to another class next year - talk to the principal about it. If it doesn't get better next year consider switching schools.
I hope this helps! Keep us updated.
H.
Give your son the support he needs to be strong with this friend. One of the best skills we can give our children is how to muster the courage to be assertive (not aggressive) and to stand firm in who he is and the foundation of his morals and values.
Something is drawing him to this child and now is a great time to teach him a new lifetime skill. Ask him what he thinks about this boy's behavior and how it makes him feel when he's being treated poorly. Ask him what he thinks he should and can do. Give him suggestions based on his thinking.
In raising my two boys, I've found that the best way to respond to them is with support. They need to find out about others that are not like them when you can be there. If not, they'll do it when they're teens and rebellious. You won't have as much control. If you develop a good communication, you will always be able to influence your boys' decisions. Even when it doesn't seem like it.
Dear K.,
Invite some other children to your home for a play time, and take them to the park or something like that. Give him chances to be with other children. Do things that will give your son experience with the outside world - I don't know, but you can figure it out. Ask your son what he would like to know about or do that is in your community. Take him to plays and stuff like that. I am going to see what the other Mommies say. Those are the only ideas that I have. I am sure that they have good suggestions. C. N.
Hi, Sounds like your son is being bullied. Yes, it even happens to little ones. School staff need to be made aware of this so they can watch for it and stop it immediately EVERY time. He's probably not the only kid affected. Outside of school, you can make playdates and arrange overnights and other activities with kids you choose. Also getting your son some counseling with a competent child therapist who uses dolls or other toys for him to act out his life situations is important. It may take a while for him to get down to the real issues as he builds trust in the therapist, but its well worth it. Good luck! Grams
Hi K.,
My suggestion to help you and your son would be to invite the kids who you believe to be nice and good influences on your son to your house for a playdate. This would help your son get to know some of these nicer kids better, and would hopefully help him become friends with them. I would also like to suggest signing your son up for an outside of school activity so that he can meet new kids, and make new friends. Best of luck.
Your son is only 5 and will have many friends in the next few years so personally I wouldn't be too concerned with who he chooses for friends at this age. Most likely the more you try and get him to NOT play with these bad influence boys, he'll tend to play with them more!! I'm 61 and the mother of two bio sons and two adopted sons!!!!
First though- have you talked to the teacher about this child's behavior? May be helpful. Other than that you have done the absolute right thing- you really can't tell you child who they can and can't be friends with, you can just help him to make good choices himself. You may want to look at the problem even deeper- has he spent time with anyone in the past with similar behavioral problems, either adult or child. Sometimes parents overlook the influence of adults in a child's life. If a relative has bullied him similarly in the past that may be why he gravitates in that direction. Just continue to talk to him about the behaviors, in general make sure you help him develop a positive self image, and trust him! But definately talk to the teacher!
Hi K.;
I raised four children, two boys and two girls. With your son's age, you're his mother and you will be the one to control him at this moment of his life. He is too young to let him do what he likes to do especially in school. I volunteered in my children school when they're growing up. The reason I help in their school so that I can keep on eye of my children on who they're playing or talking. We have the ability to remove or make way in order for our child not to hang around with bad kids. If you allow him at the younger age, he will be used to it and even in middle school and high school it will started a trouble for your son and to your family. Discipline is a key to raise children. Our job as a mother, are to discipline and teach them right and wrong. Why don't you select some of his classmate in school, then be friend with the mother also so that you could having your son play with so and so in school. I always pay attention and observe with children in school, then I select some of my children classmate then invite them to come and play with your children. It is a good way to start friendship for your son's sake. That's the only way to know what kind of parents they are. Go from that direction and make a decision for your son and not him. Good luck.
Amma
Hi K.. I'm no expert but it sounds as if your son is seeking out the stronger bully type for protection of some sort. He feels comfortable with him. The boy may not be as bad as you think and may be putting up a front for others, which is usually what bullys do. I would talk to their teacher and try to find out more about this bully and his parents. When kids act that way, it's a sure sign of trouble ahead if it's not confronted head-on. They're too young to be acting that way. He obviously learned it from someone or somewhere and his parents and teacher need to know and work with him. Rest assured, if this boy doesn't come around, your son will meet many, many more kids and make new friends soon enough.
Hi K.,
I'm no expert but I do have a 13 yr. old daughter. Your son is still at the age where you have complete control over who he plays with away from school. You are doing right trying to teach him good choices as he chooses who he should hang out with. I think you can tell him who he is not allowed to have a playdate with, and why, using words he can understand. Then as you invite other boys over, make sure to mention the "good qualities" the boy has and how those make good friends. Good luck...it gets harder as they get older so it's good to learn these lessons now!!
I think he's too young to understand why you want him to make better choices. I would intervene and have a talk with the teacher. Tell her what you are hearing and seeing at home; she may not be aware of what's happening and might have an idea of how to encourage better behavior in the boy. If all else fails you may have to restrict him from playing with the boy.
