Son Struggling with Middle Child Syndrome

Hi A.,
I agree with Linda on many accounts. One thing little kids like is being the mommy helper. Get him to help you as much as possible. Small children can be taught to pick stuff up and put things away. He can be taught to dust, make his own sandwich, get himself a snack. While you teach him these things, he will have time with you with the added benefit of helping and feeling like a big part of the family. Trying to do it all is mortally impossible. If it seems like too much to work from home and have 4 kids, something's got to give.
Good luck,
Wendy

You need a Mama's helper. Each of your children needs special time. All of your babies are probably in need of more time from you or from someone that can make them feel special every day. Why not hire a high-school or junior high school girl to help you in the afternoons and make sure it all gets done with grace and love. More hands are what's needed... to hold, to hug, to guide, to work. Hope you are able to find the right person. Best of luck!

I was a middle child and the 2nd of my gender, meaning I wasn't the ONLY of anything, gender nor oldest nor youngest. However, I thought that the newest baby was my charge, so I really loved him and took on the responsibility of taking care of him because he was 'my baby' too. I'm not sure how well that works with a boy, but if there is a way that you can tie up his esteem in being an older brother, so that he's got a vested interest in the baby as the helper of you and protector of the baby, he'll be a lot happier. I didn't really have middle child syndrome for real until at least 12 years later when my mom was still ignoring me for "the baby" who was no longer a baby! We're in our 30's and she's still doing it! So feel comforted, you can have a long leash with kids. If you can distract him with making him feel proud of helping out, you've got another 5 years before he starts to REALLY resent it. By then, your baby will be big enough that you can redistribute your attention again and regroup.

I guess the only other advice is to not dislike him for the certainly bad behavior he's going to display at some point while acting out. Try not to consider it part of his permanent character and love him through it. Good luck and congrats on having such a nice, big family.

You've received wonderful advice from other mothers.
I have 3 (6 boy, 4 girl, and 15 month boy). I have noticed the 'middle child' thing happening to my girl.

For example, she started stuttering after the baby was born because she was trying to keep up with her very able older brother and the attention competition with her baby brother.

My husband and I made an effort to really pay extra attention to her when she spoke and switching days for when she would say prayer, as opposed to having them say them together. It made all the difference. Because she didn't have the pressure and she knew she had our attention, she's stopped stuttering and become more confident.

Also, my husband will spend about 3 hours per weekend, if we can manage that, with my daughter at the zoo or library or park, etc. I think it's very important for girls to establish a strong relationship with their fathers.
Side-note: I've found, from books and empirical data, that girls who don't bond well with their fathers seek it out from guys.

The other advice about being involved in helping with the baby and household chores is very good. Mine love helping me with things I need too, i.e. getting water for me to drink, a washcloth if I'm in the bath, helping me cook, etc.
Good luck, this is quite a journey, isn't it?!

I believe that the one-on-one time is actually causing the problem.

Eye contact, with appreciation is all he needs: he needs to be seen for himself, loved as himself and appreciated for his real strengths. He needs it 20 or 30 times a day. Once for an hour or two every few days isn't enough --it's like trying to eat once for the whole week. He may need a reminder that when he was little, you did all this for him, too--and absolutely loved doing it. He'd probably love to hear his birth story, or the stories from the first few months of his life.

None of that requires you and he being alone... and I think even really little kids 'get' that the baby's been put away, regardless of what the baby needs, in order to put in the quota of time that's available for him. That doesn't feel like love, it feels like obligation, difficulty, complexity and it's not a nice thing to feel.

It can help a lot to slow your whole house down to baby speed for a while. You're recouperating from pregnancy, which means you need less activity and more rest. Your kids need time and space to sort out a new relationship in their house (actually, with dh and the kids, it's adding another 5 relationships --one between each of the existing family members and the new baby).

You can't keep living life 'as if' you don't have a new baby the way you did when you did not have a new baby --at least not without someone in the building losing their mind.

If your daughter's homework gets ignored for a while, she's still too young to have her grades count toward Harvard, and she can make up for it later. If your son misses a few days of preschool because you had too hairy a night to deliver and pick up, that's fine, too. He doesn't need preschool as much as he needs a sane, rested and nurtured mother.

Just wondering:
Could you possibly get a part-time Babysitter, in your home, at certain times... just to help you? That is what my friend did... and it REALLY made a positive difference upon her sanity/her ability to be 'Mom'/and decreasing stress/improving quality of life/and giving her more time to just be and do things with her kids or get her work done.

Since you work from home... you are probably very splintered in your attention/time/attentiveness with the household and kids. So having a "helper" in your home, can help a great deal.
No one can be "Super Mom" and still be sane with all that you do and do it all alone.

Kids can feel the vibes and know when their Mom is stressed and harried and rushed and just too tired to deal with it all. Then they act out out of frustration. They don't have "coping skills" to deal with it all.

Also agree with Linda's response. You JUST had a baby... you need to slow down. Where is your Hubby? I'm sure he is helping too with you and all the kids?

All the best,
Susan

Well, I think that only families with 3 kids can truly have a "middle", because once you get more than 3 it's just all one big family. I am the 3rd of 6 girls... I've always felt like the true middle child because I am the middle age- the last two are twins and were therefore a package deal, I am neither in the older generation (my two oldest sisters) or the younger (my younger sis and the two twins). But I know my younger sister feels like the middle child (even though in my mind she is just one older than the youngest, the two twins). My point, once you get that many kids running around, everyone has the potential to feel like "the middle" child lost in the shuffle. Less so the very oldest or very youngest, but even to some extent they experience it too. They are just lucky they get the "firstborn" or "baby" title to fall back on when they need to feel special and individual.

You didn't say if your 4 year old is the 2nd or 3rd child. But if he's the 2nd, I think he is really just adjusting differently to a new baby this time around because he was much younger and less cognizant the first time (when the 3rd came). The toddler-to-preschool years are so much about control. Learning what they can and can't can't control in their little world and trying to gain as much control and independence as possible... while still feeling safe and comfortable. And safety at that age is predictability and routines. Knowing what to expect always. So his little world just got thrown off with the arrival of the new one. The dynamic in the house is different, routines are less predictable, things are adapting and shifting. I think it is not so much about him losing attention or feeling forgotten. I think it is more about change and having to adapt to it. Having to learn "new rules" so to speak. That is what he is acting out against.

Just my thoughts, to throw in the mix with these other wise moms! Good luck, your hands are full with 4 so close together but big families are The Best!

Great advice here. I am a mother of 3 and know what you mean about kids going through their thing. Great advice my mom in law gave me "Try not to place focus on your middle kids being 'middle children'" If you do, then they will use this as an excuse for everything. She had 4 boys and they all are very close to one another. There is no value in being the oldest, middle or youngest. All have their special attributes.

Baby needs you the most right now. You need the baby to bond. The two oldest kids can fend for themselves. Usually, this is a period where they get to bond/fight/bond/play. Although it is not apparent now, these everyday activities are what's bringing the siblings closer together.

There are huge changes going on in your house right now. To a 4 yo boy, this means EVERYTHING. Additionally, he probably just got potty trained about a year ago so just when he thought he was in control of everything, out comes a little baby who changes the dynamics of his world. It appears as if things are o.k. at preschool for him- right now maybe pre school is his constant in this flux of change (and maybe why he isn't acting out of the norm at preschool).

My son was 3 when I gave birth to my son. I remember him going through the same thing. Looking back (without the mask of post pregnancy hormones and fatigue) I think my son's way to cope through changes was to scream and act like a maniac. Don't get me wrong, my husband and I certainly disciplined him and nipped his actions in the bud.

Good luck and congratulations on such a great and healthy family!

Dear A.,
I have three sons. My middle son really felt like the baby took time away from him. I agree that setting him at the table with his own papers (dot to dots, coloring for hand coordination) or stringing beads in a pattern, or making play dough creations would let him fee less left out when helping sister. If this is his first year at preschool, that may be a contributing factor to his problems. Heave you spoken to the teachers to see if he is acting differently there. Then finally when you are giving baby a nurse, have him bring one of his favorite books and cuddle up next to you and turn the pages as your read to him. You can also have him help in the food preparation too as another suggested. Think up something he can do for you with little assistance. He will get good at mixing pudding or dropping cookies. My middle son enjoyed this. My sons all too turns settling the table and clearing it.
IT is a very busy time. But enjoy each of them ...they grow up too fast and then friends become more important. Make sure they have a special relationship with Dad and he spends time with each of them on something that is of interest to them...playing with small cars, building with legos, playing catch. Dads model for them and involvement is important to help grow sons that will be good young men.
Make sure your relationship is special too. Dr. Dobson feels the relationship with the opposite sex is important for later when looking for a wife/husband. I know you are busy, but Dr. James Dobson has a book on raising sons that is good.
H-
P.S. Make sure you take care of yourself. When your husband is home, get out shopping, take a long bath, and do something for yourself. Also make sure you plan time with him such as a night out (Grandmas or other babysitters. You need time as a couple for the marriage to stay strong.

I am NO expert, but we do NOT have one on one, unless there has been an issue and we need to talk. Generally it is FAMILY time, like it or not, we are a BIG family and that is how it is done. I NEVER tell them they are the middle, (I have a middle son and daughter, 3 of each) So, my life would be OVER. They are brothers and sisters, my mother tries to use the "middle child" excuse w/son at times, but I do not allow it. They have ALL always been family, if we categorize them they use it(as stated before) I have them each one help with different things and treat them NORMAL. Nothing changes with the next except "free time" lol, that has all but disappeared! I do give extra hugs to the 2nd boy, he acts the toughest and pushes everyone away, so when I notice him acting out, I give him lots of hugs praise and kisses (it is hard to remember some times) but if I insist he still pushes me away, it is like wrestling an alligator, but we all notice a difference later. But I never (probably lack of money and time) give any one special one on one. But some do and are successful with it, just not us. Try being a bit more patient with him, for a while it will be frustrating for him to "find" his place in the family, if he feels that he has been replaced?. Have him sit at the table with home work, color read a book, what ever, give him jobs too. Maybe he can help cook dinner, stir something or set the table. (mine all help even the 20mn old she does the napkins and silver wear) Everyone has a purpose and should be "included". It will work out, don't change things on him now, of all times he needs CONSISTENCY. He will jump in the flow soon, HUGS, wish you well.
Kat