My son is 7. There are times that he spends the night at my mom's house and he always begs her to have his little cousin stay as well. He is 4-1/2. He can't wait til his cousin gets there! Problem is, once they are together for awhile, my son gets very possessive of his toys, etc. Not sharing, yelling at the littler one, etc.
I know he loves his little cuz but he is SO rude to him sometimes. His llittle cousin idolizes him. I tell him all the time that he is looked up to and should treat him with love and caring and understanding.
My mom suggested maybe the solution is that they leave all of their toys at home & they can play with what's already there. How do I get him to be more caring and sharing with his little cousin? Both are only children, and that may be part of it but he shares better with his buddies. And his little cousin is a great sharer!
Could it be jealousy over Grandma's attention? She treats them equally well! Any thoughts or ideas? Thanks in advance!
Discuss his behavior with him and let him know it is unacceptable. Maybe they both shouldn't stay at Grandma's at the same time because he cannot act appropriately. Or if they both stay at Grandma's and he starts acting up, pick him up and take him home. No ifs, ands or buts. Again, discuss the behavior and let him know that until he can act nicely towards his cousin, no co-sleep overs.
Since he is begging for the younger cousin to come over too, I'd start telling him no. Tell him the cousin cannot come over at the same time until he learns to treat him better. Wait a few visits before letting the two of them stay together again, and see how it goes. Remind him to be nice & share, or Grandma won't let them come together for a while again.
My kids would act like that if they thought they could get away with it. I remember when my son was very young he was misbehaving and it occurred to me that as hard as it was going to be to discipline him and see him upset because of the punishment, it was only going to get uglier if I didn't nip it. I took ice-cream away for a week. Each night his sisters would sit down to their ice-cream and he cried. It broke my heart, but it stopped his bad behavior. Find something that he really likes and take it. Explain how he is misbehaving and tell him it just can't happen. To this day I hate taking things my kids really like, but I have to many little ones to allow poor behavior. To be honest, as hard as it is, it is totally worth it.
We are dealing with this exact issue in my family! I'm coming at it as the parent of the younger child, so take that for what it's worth. O. current theory running through our family is that it's a struggle for dominance, in that the older child is the ring leader and is simply trying to assert the fact (to his younger cousin) that he's in charge in kid-world. I think another part of it is that my nephew is now old enough to do certain things and gets frustrated when his younger cousin can't keep up or doesn't understand the rules. He thinks of them as equals and wants his younger cousin to do the same things he's doing, but sometimes 4 year olds don't understand all of the rules for kickball/basketball. And the 7 year old may be used to playing a certain way with other 7 year olds, where they all play a little bit rougher with each other, but a 4 year old won't understand that type of play yet and will react differently. In our family we're trying desperately (it's really hard!) to let boys be boys and to let them figure it out between themselves. Yes, if there's physical stuff going on, then we step in and deal with it, but for the most part, we're trying to let them figure it out between themselves. Good luck! It's tough!
This is so similar to me as a child, it's weird. I spent almost every weekend at my grandparent's house for most of my childhood. I had a cousin who is almost 4 years younger than me, and we spent an awful lot of time together as kids. We grew up together. And I always wanted her around too. I'd ask for her to stay with me at my grandparent's house... or I'd stay at her house. And I distinctly, and sadly remember being SO mean to her! All she wanted was my attention and to play with me, to do what I was doing, be like me, etc., and I vividly remember brushing her off, giving her attitude, getting smart with her, etc. over the littlest things! Thankfully, she doesn't remember it... we are the best of friends now, more like sisters. I really don't know why I did that to her. I was a really well behaved, well mannered child. Relatives used to take me to nice dinners with them, on vacations with them, etc., because I was so good and easy as a child. I'm certainly not bragging by any means, only pointing out that even a really 'good' child can act like a fool sometimes!! To this day, I don't know why I did that to my cousin. Maybe it made me feel superior in some way? Just wanted to offer some reassurance that maybe this is kind of normal in some way, maybe the age difference contributes? But rest assured, if they're already such good buddies, as they get older, they will most likely only get closer.
I do agree with the other posters, though, that maybe you should tell him no co-sleepovers unless he is kind to and shares with his cousin. I don't think our parents paid close enough attention to us to know anything was going on (LOL), so kudos to you for at least being aware, and nipping this in the bud!!!
It is what it is... they treat each other like siblings do.
Hi, Denise:
The first question to ask yourself is: How am I treating my son as a role model? Do I behave in ways that he can imitate?
Have the two kids sit down and ask them these questions:
Ask your son:
What happened?
What were you thinking of at the time?
What have you thought about since?
Who has been affected by what you have done? In what way?
What do you think you need to do to make things right?
Then ask his cousing these questions:
What did you think when you realized what had happened?
What impact has thisincident had on you and others?
What has been the hardest thing for you?
What do you think needs to happen to make things right?
See if this will clean things up between the two. Keep doing these
questions when difficulties arise. Give them to your Mom and let her use
them too.
Good luck. D.
I'm with your mum... no more bringing over of toys (except maybe O. lovey to sleep with).
If it was your own house, you'd be there to referee/ discipline/ teach... but since they're both at her house... she's in the unenviable position of having to do so over OTHER people's toys and belongings. Of which she has small clue how special they are / other details to the child in question.
He is probably jealous, why can't grandma have them each separately at least while they are young.
I think your Mother has an excellent suggestion. Tell him he can "earn" the privledge of bringing his toys if he show he can play with his cousin w/o fighting over toys. I would see if he can go an entire month w/o fighting - no exception. If he fights, the O. month 'timer' starts over.
Good luck!
