Ok, so my 4 1/2 year old son, my fiance, and I were shopping at Walmart on Friday evening for some fishing supplies. My fiance had been promising to take my son for some supplies for his little tackle box. :) Sometimes, my son's mouth just doesn't stop... he's like the energizer bunny, talking, talking, and talking... Anyhow, he was on some tangent about the fishing stuff we were looking at, and said something about putting the hooks on the line, and my fiance said only "mommies do that" joking because I know nothing about fishing... and my son commented that some fishing stuff is for little people, and some stuff is for mommies and daddies... and at that moment, looked up at my fiance and said, "Can I call you Daddy?" And in the nano seconds after, my fiance looked at me, I looked at him, neither of us knowing how to respond... Luckily, my son, continuing his fishing tangent, just kept on talking about something else, and we just let it go at that. He hasn't mentioned it again.
Here's the problem. My son has a father who is very much a part of his life, my son loves his dad, and his dad loves him. It would break my son's father's heart to hear him call someone else "Daddy." On the other hand, my fiance lives with us, and for all practical purposes, he does all the fatherly things that a Daddy would do, like taking my son fishing, among many, many other things. My son has a really good relationship with my fiance at this point, and I would like to continue to foster that.
It is also becoming increasingly common for people to assume that my fiance is my son's father when we are all together somewhere, and in speaking to my son, people often refer to my fiance as "your Daddy..." My son has never questioned me about this, although I know it is only a matter of time, and we have never made an issue of it when someone says that. We know it is not an unreasonable assumption for people to make. And I don't want to make it an uncomfortable issue for my son by getting into the details of our relationship with the store clerk who really couldn't care less whether my fiance is my son's bio father or not. Nor do I want to make my fiance feel bad by jumping up and saying, "He's NOT my son's father!" when as I said, he certainly fills the role in our home.
Ok, so finally to my question...
What would you do or have you done with regard to what your child calls their step dad, when their bio dad is an involved father? Bear in mind that my son is only 4 1/2 and has had my fiance in his life for about a year now, so he was still pretty little when we became a family of sorts. My son's father is very much involved in his life. I don't want my son to feel uncomfortable in any way. I am just at a loss for how to address this with my son. What would you do? What have you done in this situation? I know that ultimately, whatever we end up doing has to be what works best for all of us, but I just need some ideas or some insight for how to best address this with my son. What to say to him about people referring to my fiance as his Daddy, and about what he can call him? To date, my son calls my fiance by his first name. I guess it's a good thing that my son asked to call him Daddy because in some way, it demonstrates that he is feeling close to him, and sees him as a father figure, which is what we all want, but I'm just having a hard time sorting out the "Daddy" issue...
Thanks for reading my always too long post... looking forward to your thoughts...
Talk to his bio father, but another option could be he could call him
" Daddy John" .
I always called my step dad by his first name.
My best friend growing up had 2 amaaaazing fathers, her adoptive father (from birth) and her stepfather. It was also an open adoption. Here's what she used:
Adoptive Father = Dad/Daddy
Stepfather = Papa
Biological Father & Mother = Birthdad & Birthmum
Eventually when her dad remarried, his wife became her "mom" (since her mum was her mum... she split the accent difference).
Have you thought about asking his biological dad how he would feel about it, explaining the question was initiated from you son?
Our feelings can be hurt, but often we have to keep the best interest of our kids in mind. If you were to talk with your ex about it, I'd be sure to let him know it is not about replacing him in any way and that you want him and his son to have a long-term, close relationship as father and son.
Well, that is a really tough question. I think it would be good to address this issue with your son, sooner rather than later. You don't want him to think that he said something wrong by asking if he could call your fiance "daddy." Maybe you could explain to your son that your fiance will be a new "daddy" to him (and remind him he will always have his other daddy, who also loves him very much). But maybe you could think of a slightly different name to differentiate the two? Like Papa, or Dad? I think since you are marrying the man, he will definitely be another father to your son.
However, it is kind of you to be considerate of your ex. It is kind of how you would imagine it would be if your ex were to re-marry and have a wife that your son would call "mom." I think if that were to happen to me, it would take me a while to get used to my son calling another woman mom, but I would want to let go of my possessiveness and appreciate it, because really, the more loving people in your child's life, the better. And yes, it does seem to be a good sign that your son is comfortable with your fiance and loves him like a father. Good luck with whatever you decide!!
I agree with "ReVitalize"- talk with biological dad about the issue. If he is not comfortable with his son calling step-dad "daddy", talk about other options- like "Papa" or something and see if that would be any easier on him.
Your son should call his dad .......daddy
Your fiance should be called by his first name.
I have had a wonderful amazing lovable supportive step father for 24 years, he has always been there for me, much more than my own father, who I call Dad.
I do not call my stepfather Daddy, I call him his name, Tony. When I am in a store or something I will say "my father is over there, or can you help my father with this or that", but calling him Daddy would be a little wrong I think, and his real Daddy would be very upset, and maybe pissed off.
maybe he could call him pop, or pa or something "daddyish", or maybe it won't come up again!
you got lots of great answers here... i just wanted to say that when i started reading your post i got up to the part where he asked if he could call him daddy and i actually got tears in my eyes feeling so sorry for him. THEN i read the rest of your post and thought, wow, what a lucky little boy to have 2 dads that love him and an amazing sensitive loving mom. i know it will be ok no matter what you choose :)
Hi L. -
Your sensitivity really shows through in your post. I think it's great that you recognize that both of these men have very significant roles in your sons life and deserve 'special' titles. You and your son are so fortunate that there's so much respect going on there!
My suggestion would be to give your fiance his own name other than 'Daddy'. Maybe - Pop, Poppy, Pappy or something like that. Maybe a name in a different language.
It sounds like you've all found (or made) some peace in this situation. That's the BIG part and your son's a reflection of that!
As far as explaining to other people - so few will ever really need much of an explanation. If your son hears you and questions what was said, you could say something like, ' Yea, they thought he was your Daddy. Boy, how great is that! Daddy AND (Fiance) love you sooo much! ' No comparison or grouping. Each man has a separate and important place. If your son asks more questions, keep the answers short and to the point. He's too young to understand (or deal with) why you and his father broke up. If he asks, I would say something like, 'SOMETIMES grown ups have to do that because they feel differently about each other. We still care about each other and we'll ALWAYS love YOU! ' Ultimately, I think a kid just really needs to know that it had nothing to do with him and that everybody still loves him. Sounds like you've got that covered :)
Sorry THIS was so long. Such a common situation, but so refreshing to hear of it being handled so sensitively!
You should ask your sons father what he thinks before you do anything. If my son started calling someone else "mom" or "mommy something" I would not be happy at all. I would also not let my child call someone else "dad" or "daddy something".
My brother was in a similar situation like your fiance. His wife's son called him by his first name and his biological father was dad. But once they had another child, the stepson wanted to call him dad too, just like his sister did.
I think for now I would stick with the first name and maybe if you have a child together you should revisit this dilemma. I would also make sure that the biological dad is ok with whatever you decide.
Another option would be to let him call your fiance dad in an altered version or different language, like Papi or Papa
That's a tough one and truth is I have no idea. My gut reaction is to talk to your ex about it. Not tha tit is entirely his choice, but you want to giv ehim a head's up at least that your son brought this up. It is sort of sweet and sad at the same time. You don't want to make your son feel bad about this, but I do feel it iws wrong to use the Daddy title.
I might be honest with your son and say, "Well, you have a Daddy. I think it might be confusing to call Joe Daddy. Is there anything special we could call him other than Daddy?" Maybe JoeDad or Daddy Joe or something similar? He is little and it might evolve over time? He may end up calling him Joe most of the time, but then also have this affectionate nickname for him.
I asked my stepmom once if I could call her mommy and my mother was around all the time. I think I called my stepmom mommy twice but it just didn't feel right so I went back to calling her by her first name again. For me it wasn't a "big deal" question, I just wanted to know what I was supposed to call her.
Well, you arent married yet, so don't jump the gun.
The best step dad name is "Pop".
"My Pop took me fishing last week, and my Dad took me to the zoo the week before".
But, until you do marry this man, I would be careful on being too casual and giving him an endearment name.... as this may be confusing to your son if the relationship doesnt work out and you have another fiance' down the road.
Hi L.,
I don't have first hand experience with this same situation but my niece has a son -- and they never married--but he is an awesome dad, like your ex.
When he got married, he called his step mom Mama Jen. I think it would be nice if your son called your finacé "Daddy John" (insert his name! lol)
You can always tell your son later that his Dad is his father but your husband is a dad to him too.
HTH. Denise
I would come up with a nickname for your fiancee. My daughter has a hard time with my dad and step dad, and calling them both grandpas. So we decided that my dad would be grandpa and my stepdad would be bu-pa.
Sounds like your son has a lot of people who love him and he is very lucky. Talk to his biological dad and see what he thinks. I bet he would be supportive in your son finding a special name for his soon to be step dad. Maybe he won't like him being called daddy, but I am sure you all can agree on something. And kudos for working together in your son's best interest!
This question comes up alot on here. This is my 2 cents:
I would have your son call your fiance "Daddy John/Bob/Joe" or "Papa John/Bob/Joe" and continue to call his father "Daddy". I would also let your ex know that that is what you are going to do and tell him it is out of respect for him that you are doing it because your son has asked to call your new husband "daddy" but you want (your ex) to know that you know that HE is your son's father, but you also don't want to call your new husband by his first name. I would wait until a few months after the wedding to do this. Good luck and congratulations!
