SOS- Arguing Child

Oh strong willed children, how wonderfully exhausting...we have an almost 6 year old son who is the same!
Playful Parenting by Lawrence J Cohen is one of the best books anyone ever gave us. It helps me to remember to be ridiculous and it often diffuses the power struggle.
Good luck!
S.

Don't feed into her objection routine....she's pushing your buttons and is enjoying the negitive attention it's giving her. Change her negitive behavior with a positive one...... It might be helpful if you put your hand on hers or pull her into you and give her a hug (((this will distract her from objection mode..))) and tell her, "I did hear your objection the first time but don't agree and still need you to do what I asked you to do...so get going and do it before I get anygry with you."
If she continues on...Don't raise your voice, but firmly tell her, "STOP..go do what I asked you to do and if you want, we'll discuss it when you are done doing it."

If she then still continues on...tell her she is grounded because she's not doing what is expected of her and send her off to her room....and make sure she stays there. She pops out, remind her that she has hurt your feelings and she's to stay in her room until she works out the problem she has created for herself and send her back to her room.....

If she does do what is asked of her, thank her when she done...give her a hug...tell her great job..That's giving her positive attention..

But if not....Don't give in...but don't loose your cool either...and the first time she asks you for something after you had taken the above actions with her.... Tell her, "why should I respond nicely to this....when you don't respond nicely and do things when I ask you to do them." If she then fuses over this.. ignore it...remove yourself from the room if you have to.... but don't give her what she wants at this point. Instead, Do let her know you are expecting an apology and still want her to do the original thing you had asked her to do...

It will take a little time but at some point she will understand she isn't pushing your bottons anymore, getting that negative attention..

In addition to what has already been said, make sure she gets enough positive feedback when she does things you want her to do, or that she has done well/quickly/without complaining, and that she can expect some quality time with you ever day. If the most attention she gets from you all day is by starting an argument, in her mind negative attention is better than not getting attention.

When my 6 year old starts to act up, I ask him if he needs some attention. 9 out of 10 times his answer is yes. If I am in the middle of something, I tell him I need to finish this, it will take me 10 minutes, you can decide what you want to do together. It works really well for us! I find it is so easy to get busy and wrapped up in other stuff, and when my son is good and does what we ask of him, sometimes we forget that he's only 6 and needs lots of positive feedback and attention from us.

Your right yelling back wont accomplish anything. Have a consequence for her actions. What ever her favorite thing to do is take it away. Movie before bed, bedtime story, special toy whatever it is. When she argues tell her she will loose her privilege and then follow through. The next time I can almost guarantee she will know you mean business and zip up her mouth. Discipline is all about consistency and consequence. Good luck!!!

a while back someone wrote a help me and someone answered her with a GREAT RESOURCE. The help was to go and buy a book called Love and Logic. I can't remember who suggested this but i am addicted so much that I just recently went to one of their seminars. I lent this book to friend she loved it and she attended the seminar wth me. there are many love and logic books that cover different situations. I bought the one called Parenting wiht love and logic. It is awesome becuase it describes 3 types of parenting styles and gives you situations and answers on how to respond that stops power struggles and all sorts of stuff. They teach you about fighting words and holding the child accountable for their situations. You can go on line and research it but they don't go into detail on line. this book is VERY EASY Reading and very interesting. Do you self a favor and look into this book. It is a life savor.
Good Luck
Dawn
Oh by the way i used the answers they give you with everyone-- Adults, (My Husband who is a great husband and father but he is a man LOL) children, and customer service people and co-workers even my boss when i have a problem. I was amazed how well this works.

HI C.,
Dont argue or get into a power struggle with your child. It diminishes your authority. If she argues, I would repeat what I told her and if she continues to argue or do the thing that you told her she could not, I would have an immediate consequence - such as put on your pajamas and get into bed for the rest of the day. She will likely "get it" after going to bed at 3pm a couple of times.

She is pretty much normal for her age....looking for more independance. let me ask you this. How do you deal with patients who do the same thing? Sometimes you find yourself using child psychology on them and it will also work on the child, the other thing is tell her the first time you asked i answered what? let her tell you, then you know she heard you, then tell her and the next time you ask i will say the same answer and then you will be -------- (whatever the appropriate punishment is for her) she will know the answer is not going to change, the only thing that is going to change is her outcome...punishment. my grandaughter is 6.5 and we are going through the same thing. LOL> gotta lovem.

I was having a similar situation with my 5 1/2 yr old son. We are still working on it, but I feel like it has improved tremendously with me responding very calmly and not getting sucked into the back and forth. It tends to make the situation resolve itself much quicker than when I would try to explain or get upset and start yelling. It does take a lot of self-control since they know the buttons to push, but the more I did it, the easier it got. And I felt much better about these conflicts since they didn't escalate. I also got a book called the Everything Guide to raising a strong willed child and thought it had a lot of great tips that helps you focu on the positive and then get more that behavior in return. :) Hope this helps.

Set boundaries and consequences. Make sure she knows what they are. And then follow through with it. My stubborn almost 7 year old is very dependent on her bedtime story so if she fights me about something I remind her that she will not get a story before bed. So find something that will matter to her and be consistant. Good luck!

Keep responding "I answered that question" and by the third or fourth time break into song. It sounds silly, but it will get you both laughing and she may be so surprised that she stops arguing with you.

In the long run though, you will need to make it clear that you are unwilling to respond to her constant challange.How you do it - playfully with songs, dances or little rhymes, or seriously is up to you and will depend on your relationship. Good luck!

I know the feeling all too well! I am the mother of 5 and one grandson and have been through it. My now 13 yr old daughter did it to me so I have come to find that if you tell them in clear language what you want from them and why then walk away not giving them a chance to argue with you works, if they come back to argue with you you tell them its your final answer, this what you want done and that is it that is the end of the conversation. Threating them has its pros and cons like anything else and I try to stay away from it because it can make the child resent you or afraid of you. Sent to bed should not be a punishment as they start to think that the bedroom is a form of being punished. (trying to think of how the Dr. put it to me about bed as punishment) They think that it might be part of the reason that young children dont like to play in their rooms. A time out from favorite things is better. With my daughter it is no horseback riding for the afternoon until the task is done. She can see her horses from her room so it motivates her to get the room clean and keep it clean. (This keeps her focused as to why the task must be done also, so she can spend time with her Horse)
Sometimes you have to use reverse phyc on them. I have come to find that at times it feels like you have employees, they do the work and when its done you "pay" them with something like playtime or a story on your lap. They are like us, they want us to notice the work they do.This helps get them ready for the real world also. I used this with the now older ones and now they clean the house and their rooms without being asked so they can have fresh cookies or take their horses out when I get home. I started with them at the age of 5 that if you do what your told you can get the "pay" when its done, the longer you take the longer it takes to get "paid" and it has to be done right.
The other thing is that getting loud is not an option as it shows they can get to you and you are not in controll of yourself or the situation. Hope this gives you some help

She's coming back at you because she is allowed to. When our 8 year old tries to argue with us, he gets sent to his room. It is disrespectful. She would get sent to her room until she stopped backtalking and if it continued, I would take things away...toys, play dates, whatever.

My baby is only 14 months, but I taught 1st and 2nd grade before I became a SAHM. And 7 year olds can ARGUE! It's enough to make you crazy!

Have a sit down talk, and explain the rules very clearly. (When you're not mad!) Pick a solid consequence for arguing, and then follow through every single time. Also, work together to come up with a solution for when she CAN tell you her differing opinions. If she understands that a different opinion is acceptable, but arguing is not, then you'll see a much happier and more mellow child emerge. Maybe she could write you a note?

I also used to ask my students, "Is this a 1, 2, or 3?" 1 meant not a big deal, 2 meant medium deal, and 3 meant HUGE deal. They only got one "3" a day, and only two "2's" a day. And "1's" were easy, we just laughed and moved on.

So maybe you could stop what you're doing and immediately listen to her when she picks "3." She can write you a note for her "2's" which you will respond to as soon as possible. And the "3's," she has to learn to let go of. And maybe you'll talk about them later, over dinner or something.

If this (or whatever you use) works, be sure to praise her a ton! And maybe even give a reward at the end of the week. Some are adamantly opposed to rewards, but I think they really work. Kids love to feel successful, and need to be praised and rewarded for making good choices! The best reward is time with you- maybe a lunch out together, or a pedicure, or something super fun like that?

Good luck! If it's any consolation, all those arguers I dealt with were always the smart ones...

My suggestion would be to pick your battles. Figure out what the rules of the household will be and then sit down with your hubby and daughter and discuss the rules that will be in place. If your daughter has any valid concerns then address them at that time. Once the discussion is over then you have the guidelines set. If something comes up and your daughter isn't following one of the rules then you just simply say that it needs to stop now. If she starts to talk back then keep your cool and remind her that these are the rules of the house and she needs to stop. If she doesn't then you need to send her to her room. You're the grown up and you are in charge of your house. Why argue with a 7 yr old over anything?

When I worked with this age-group and younger I used to put myself in "time out" when their behavior was pushing me towards raising my voice. They always asked why I was in the "reflection seat" and my response was simply that I was frustrated with the arguing and wanted to take time to think before I said something rude or argumentative. This was very impacting for them b/c they expected a fight and I removed myself rather than removing them! Model coping strategies for your daughter so she knows that it's okay to "walk away and cool down". Good luck!

*Good read: "Stop Arguing with Your Kids"- the book's in my office, so I don't have the author on hand, but I think it's a Dr. Nichols.

Hi C.,
Wow, you are taking me back to almost seven years ago when my daughter was seven and argued with me about any and everything. I have no suggestions on how to handle it as raising my voice is how I have a tendency to deal with arguing even when it comes to my husband,(where she gets it from). I do respect the fact that she has her own independent mind and is using it to form her own perspective about a situation which has proven itself handy especially as she got older. As she got older, she was able to see and understand things more from my perspective. Right now, I have a very close relationship with my daughter and enjoy listening to her views even if they differ from mine. However, in my house, it is my rules, no ifs, ands, or buts!! Good luck to you and your daughter and know that she argues with you because she values you.

Hi C.,
I am in the middle of a great book called 1-2-3 Magic. I think the author's name is Dr. Phelan. I wanted to try his method of discipline, but I knew my husband wouldn't read the book so I found the DVD at our library. The book says that too many parents fall into the Talk-Persuade-Argue-Yell-Hit Syndrome and that isn't good for our kids. Basically you count to three for behavior that you want them to "stop" - whining, temper tantrums, fighting, etc. His rule is no talking, no emotion.
We've only just started using this on our son, so we haven't gotten very far yet, but I have high hopes.
Check your local library; even if you don't go with 1-2-3 Magic, there's a lot of resources out there. Best of luck to you!

Hi Candice,
It sure it a development thing, even at younger ages. My son (4-1/2) started arguing back about 6 months ago and would argue about everything - definitely an independence thing. At first we bought into his behaviour and it just got worse and everyone got more frustrated. Finally we realized WE were at fault for letting it go on and on. So, once we began explaining that he already received his answer, and it's rude & disrespectful to argue with mom, dad, teachers, etc., AND if he continued he'd get time out (or whatever the appropriate consequence was for age and issue), it ended. **As long as we followed through** You MUST follow through, or your word is meaningless (that, too is a lesson for kids). BUT be sure to warn them before the consequence so they know what they're getting into. Also, we see these exchanges as opportunities to teach our children - in this case about respect and appropriately expressing their desires and needs, patience, sharing, etc.. After all, this is how they learn and this is the best time to model behavior you'd like for them to use. We also provide them with new and/or more appropriate behaviors for expressing themselves and getting their point across. It's amazing how quickly children understand these things and try to please and emulate their parents. My son is already teaching his little sister! Of course, he continues to argue at times, but it helps remind us that sometimes it's because they don't know all the tools for expressing themselves as do adults. Hang in there - model what you expect!
Best wishes,

You know this is a behavioral issue and will continue until she's 20..lol..sorry.

It's all about control and independence on her part. My kids went through it too. Try to stay calm and when you give an "order" follow it up by saying "thank you". This will throw her off...go on your merry way. It continues to work with my son, now 16 years old.

I would say "Hey, can you do the dishes?" He would immediately say "No". Then I would say "Thank You". It stopped him in his tracks. I went on with what I was doing and before I knew it he was doing them.

All you can do is try it a few times and see who it goes.

Nanc