Speaking to a Bully from the Past

She bullied you because she got a reaction. You CARE what she thinks.

Stop caring, and what she thinks won't matter and she can go sit in her pile of...unniceness by herself.

:)

Oh, and same with the dude. He's working at WALMART for goodness sakes. He's staring at you because you MADE IT! You escaped and found a better life. He's still there, bagging and stocking shelves and not happy with his life.

Smile - it'll drive them NUTS!!!

There was a bully in my elementary school. He stopped bullying me and my siblings when I beat him up at the bus stop (I was 9 at the time, he was 10 and he hit my brother, age 5. I was sent to the principal, he asked 'why did you beat up X?'. I told him X hit my brother. He sent me back to class, end of story - no zero tolerance, consequences or anything. In retrospect, I suspect he was trying not to laugh. I was tiny, X was much bigger and a year older).

X has grown up to be a very nice man (he is actually a district attorney) with kids. My dad bumped into him several years back and they had a nice chat. I am sorry your bully has not grown and matured, but that is her loss, not your issue. But some kids will grow up and turn out fine.

How awful! When I was seven years old, I was bullied (physically and verbally) by a high school girl named Brenda on a few occasions when I walked home from school. She pulled my hair, punched me, and called me racist names. I never told my parents about it, and I really don't know why. I guess I felt like they wouldn't or couldn't do anything to help. I was filled with anxiety walking home from school everyday wondering whether or not she would be there.

Anyway, when I was nine years old, I went to a high school football game with a bunch of friends. My assistant coach from softball was a very handsome and popular kid from high school, and he was at the game. He always thought I was adorable because I was so tiny, so he picked me up and paraded me around the stands. Guess who else was there? Brenda. She actually walked up to me and meekly told me that she liked my jacket. I was shocked and didn't know what to say, so I just said thanks and walked away. I think she was nice to me because she liked my assistant softball coach. Anyway, this was probably the closest thing I would ever get to an apology, and it was fine by me. I felt like I got my closure.

I am so sorry that you didn't get your closure. Your interaction with these jerks must have been like salt on a wound. Obviously, they haven't evolved, and they probably never will. The best revenge for you really is to just live a good life.

i don't think it's the case that 'once a bully, always a bully.' it's very unpleasant and speaks ill of their characters that they've never grown out of it. but many do. and of course, many bullies were bullied themselves. it's very very common for a child who has been bullied to respond by repeating it to a kid lower in the hierarchy than herself. (which is of course why parents who hit or bite or pinch their kids to 'show them what it feels like' are setting themselves up for failure. but that's another post.)
i think it's great that you've gained enough confidence to confront this person from your past. it means you're probably not likely to submit to bullying behavior again. the flip side is that events from over a decade ago are still clearly resonating in your psyche. it's time to accept that bad things happened and that you can't undo them, nor expect that the perpetrators will make it right.
my fancy private girls' school in bermuda had some doozies. my stomach still knots up when i think of how i got taunted. i'd love it if i got even a basic acknowledgement from one of those nasty pieces of work. but i also remember doing some pretty mean things myself. i've had the opportunity to apologize to one girl (who had forgotten it even happened!) but i'll probably never see the other(s?) again. and i'm quite sure my former tormentors aren't going to balance the old scales.
living well really IS the best revenge.
khairete
S.

I haven't but have always hoped at least one would contact me over the years to apologize. With social media, it would be so easy now. Not a one has bothered. Sharing your experience makes me glad I never have heard from them. These were miserable people when they were kids to even consider bullying someone and I suspect karma hits them and their lives never get on the right track.

I totally understand the need for that type of closure. You don't ever get over being bullied. For me, it was as a tween in the early 80s and it doesn't take much for those old wounds to surface. DH was also bullied as a kid and feels the same way. What you can do is take comfort in that you're living a positive life and would never treat anyone that way yourself. You're a much stronger person than that bully.

M., it's a poignant story you are telling us here. What a terrible woman. I don't know why, but I automatically thought of the movie "Flatliners". One of the fledgling doctors had mercilessly bullied a little girl at his school. With the flatline experience, his past came back to haunt him and he decided to try to make things right by seeking her out and apologizing.

She had been a plain looking little girl, but had blossomed into a lovely woman. She married a wonderful man, was successful and happy with her life, and accepted his heartfelt apology.

I wish so much that your story was this ending. Instead, it's just the opposite. One day she will have to explain this behavior to her maker. She had a wonderful opportunity to make amends, yet acted the same way she did back then. I'm so sorry.

I hope you came away with the realization that just by her saying that you don't belong there, NOW you know for absolute certainty that this isn't about you at all! It's about her. Something is wrong inside of her head and her heart and she has probably taught her son to be the same, OR she has treated him badly.

M., I don't know if you were able to pull out of this hole these people pushed you in all those years ago, but I hope you were. I hope you are successful in your life, whether by job or love, or hopefully both. I hope you have moved way past her in every respect. Whatever you have moved past her on, consider it a victory and then, M., move past HER. If you can't on your own, find a therapist to talk to.

Dawn

You need to let it go. High school was a long time ago, and you need to let it go. By holding on to the pain and confronting the bullies, you actually gave them power over you. You told them that they hurt you and that they continued to hurt you for over 15 years!

You need to hold your head high and show them that your life is great! They were wrong about you. You are an amazing person! They missed out by not getting to know you.

Don't let them continue to have that power over you. Who cares what they think? Don't give them the satisfaction.

You are a great person! Be proud!

I had a bully in the past and I confronted in my adulthood. This person apologized and really grew up. I am friends with this person now---its amazing how some people if they want to, can change for the better. I am sorry your experience was poor, it just shows that some people choose to stop growing, learning and loving. What a sad, sad way to live life!

One thing that helped me tremendously was to write this person a letter and tell them exactly what their bullying meant to me, how it made me feel, what I wanted to do to them etc. Then i read it aloud and said some choice words, burned it. After I felt better about it, I wrote another letter and this time I forgave the person. ( this was way before we even came in contact) and I told them things I could appreciate about them etc. It changed my perspective and I no longer harbor any resentment or hatred/hurt towards this person. We are friends and we agree to disagree------Hope this helps you.

This is obviously still a sore spot for you, and you are looking for this to come around full circle to give you closure.

A girl who was "not nice" to me in school sent me a friend request on Facebook. Of course, we had lots of mutual friends. I declined her twice. After a while, though, I accepted. I sent her a message that I hadn't accepted her requests because I recalled things being rocky for us in school but that I was not gonna let that keep us from enjoying a (albeit surface) relationship now. She was very receptive, and we have enjoyed connecting.

I decided not to hold against her the fact that she was a KID with kid judgment based on whatever her kid circumstances were. I am so glad that all of my bad decisions as a kid aren't still alive and kicking.

How did you approach her? Since you're not over it, I wonder if your approach alone was enough to make her be defensive. She likely didn't have you at the forefront of her mind where she could stew over how she'd mistreated you, so your sudden appearance wagging your finger in her face (figuratively, I hope) probably caught her off guard.

I'm sorry that this experience has defined you in this way. I hope that you have used it to help you press on, and I hope that you can figure out why it has stuck with you in this way, so you can truly put it behind you.

.

These people are little people, not worth a second thought. Don't sweat it.

Let it go and move on. It's a healthier decision. What do you really expect to get out of this?

I just wanted to tell you it is not worth your time to even think about these people. Sorry you got treated that way.

If someone is capable of bullying you when they are younger they are still that same mean person . Let it go and stay away from them . What losers.How insecure someone must be to have to hurt others to feel good. Really. It's over and you don't have to see them anymore . hooray !!!

I have actually had the opposite experience lately.
A GOOD friend from high school who I'd lost touch with on and off over the years recently went completely NUTS on me via F.B.
Because of comments I had posted on other mutual friends walls, be it them asking for opinions or be it "discussing" politicial views. She de-friended me awhile ago, which was kind of a relief because she had bit my head off over things I said on OTHER peoples walls. They weren't mad she was.
Anyways, she also blocked me, (yay) then unblocked, then blocked me again then unblocked so she could send me this volatile e-mail about how I was basically "dumber" then her, my opinions weren't "founded" how she never really respected me, how I was lucky someone married and puts up with me.....on and on. Funny enough anything and everything she tried to put me down over she HAD done, and then some. It was ridiculous.
People like that are misreable, nasty and not worthy of your time. Maybe the BUM staring at you at Walmart knew what a complete jerk he was and was afraid of you telling him off? Either way, don't let it get to you! You're an adult now they obviously aren't. People like them tend to not change! Forget 'em!