Spending Thanksgiving Separately from Husband

I would never spend a holiday away from my spouse like this. I would put my foot down on this one. Stay home together. Good luck.

My husband & I have spent Holidays separate from each other for various reasons. Sometimes we split up & meet up later & other times we spend the whole day together & the kids may go w/ a relative. I guess we're not big on holidays. Anyway , I think splitting up isn't that big of a deal but the reason why needs to be addressed at some point.

You know, Kate, it's your life. You can take the advice you wish and leave the rest....but you did ask...

Personally, I would not do it.
You're, in a way, letting your MIL 'win' by splitting up for the holiday.
I'm sorry your husband doesn't have the guts to stand up for his family and stand up to his mother. True it's the kind of "win" where no O. "wins" and your family "loses" overall.
But if it was to the point of my husband going there and me going here....uh uh. No way. I would either go to both houses together, or choose O. & all go there, or all stay home.
Believe me, my in-laws are a trip, but I would never let them drive a wedge like that into my family.

I think your cousin is right, but you're also right--you can't "make" him. You shouldn't "have to" make him.

IF you go to your own parents houses--I think your son should go with you.
Good luck.

Well, I would NEVER spend the holiday without my child. That i sthe only answer I have to that part of it.

I think you and your husband should spend it together, and if you aren't welcome there or if your in-laws would be offended if you both went to your families, maybe it is time to book a room at a bed and breakfast for you, hubby, and your baby. Or just stay home and cook a family dinner. Arrange for the respective grandparents to visit your son some other day.

You and your husband should be each other's priority for the holiday. If you are in disagreement over who is right or wrong in the situation, that is fine. But your marital disagreement should not be played out with the family. If you can't get along then you both should stay home.

Basically, I am saying, even if husband thinks you are totally in the wrong, he still needs to stay home with you. And if he doesn't want to look like he is choosing sides, then you need to support him and stay home too. But if he thinks you are right, then he should accompany you to your parents and tell his mother to get her act together.

So sorry, that stinks.

Your husband and your son are your family. You need to be with them at Thanksgiving, even if that means you stay home.

WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! On SO many levels. There is no way that you should split up your family to accomodate the needs of everyone else. You, your husband, and your son should be together for the holiday. Splitting up is not showing a united front to your MIL. Handling it this way just cannot end well for you...sounds like everyone will end up unhappy.

I would stay home w/ my husband and son and have our own Thanksgiving Dinner...those who want to come share can or not...up to them.

Neither should choose their parents over their spouse...you're allowing them to divide you as a couple.

If you are set on celebrating separately and given that your son will be staying with your parents the following week it would make sense for your son to go w/ your hubby. I know you don't want to do that because it is what MIL wants but don't not send him just because you want to win that battle.

I'm not sure what you should do but I do think it is a dangerous precedent to set.

You guys were supposed to "leave and cleave" once you married.

If it were me I would consider both of us staying home, with our son, and not going anywhere else. It's your time now. You are your own family. If you both acknowledge and accept that fact it will be harder for other people (including your parents) to come between you.

Oh Kate, this sucks, I'm sorry.

Of course YOU know this, but it's supposed to be YOU and HIM against the world. Not you against him.

I'd imagine the mood in your household is pretty stressful.

I don't have any real advice, I just wish clarity for you very soon.

:)

I've been in your situation. If you and your husband can not be a unified front, be prepared for a divorce. You just predicted and resigned to your own future all in one in your own post..."It's all about my MIL. Whatever she wants has to be done..."

Your mother in law is winning by you choosing to go your separate way. If your husband won't stay home with you, you NEED to go with him, even if the situation is toxic. And you need to be present with him at all times until this gets resolved in counseling. Don't you realize this is what she wants? You cut out of the picture and her son all to herself? Your husband is choosing mom over you. You need to get tough on him and tell him it's you and his child, or his mother, or kiss this marriage goodbye.

If you find you don't have enough spine to give your husband this ultimatum, you need marital counseling asap. This is a very dangerous precedent you're setting. It never goes well for the wife when she meekly lets hubby go running back to mom.

He needs to grow up and set boundaries that you are both comfortable with. This is absolutely unacceptible. I personally wouldn't advise you to skip the hellish games at mother-in-law's house until you get marital counseling. You have no control in your marriage when she can tear you down in front of your husband and his family and you're not there to defend yourself.

You better believe by Christmas, she'll have your replacement picked out and invited as a "guest" to the next holiday party. It happens all the time. Mom wears son down and brainwashes him into thinking he married the wrong one, he listens, and then mom moves in with her own daughter-in-law candidate and in no time a divorce is underway.

If you love this man, go down fighting. Start with counseling. Your husband needs his eyes opened and some real hands on strategies from a professional on how to stand up to his mother. You need to safeguard your marriage and take a few bullets until you can gain ground and cut HER out of the picture.

Last but not least...YOU CAN make him make the right choice. You are his WIFE not his girlfriend. I am assuming you made vows at your wedding in front of everyone didn't you? Somewhere in most wedding ceremonies, it is made clear to everyone there that vow is binding and there is no room for third parties. Your husband needs to be reminded that he married you...pledged himself to you...has to answer to you...and that means he must put you and your children above all else. His mom knows this, but she's challenging you to a duel of a lifetime. If you don't love the man let him go. If you love him, knock some sense into his head pronto! Is he married to you or his mom? (Yucky!..But psychologista call this phenomena emotional incest. If you put it that way he might reconsider how messed up this is) Point blank...real men say no to their moms.

Here are some books that might help the both of you:

http://www.christianbook.com/silently-seduced-parents-the...

http://www.christianbook.com/boundaries-in-marriage-henry...

I would tell both sets of parents that Thanksgiving will be spent at your home with your husband and your son. It's time to start creating your own traditions and memories.

Your MIL is chiseling away at your marriage and you need to take your family back before it's too late. The holiday madness... ugh.

Good luck, Kate. This whole situation is a crummy one. Please let us know what happens.

Read my post and I hope it will put things into perspective for you. Life is precious, you should never spend a holiday away from your family!!! Cook your own Thanksgiving dinner and start your own family traditions. If your husband wants to take your son for a short visit to your in laws that is fine. But I would never spend a holiday away from my husband. I am praying for many many more holidays with mine, I wouldn't let a silly disagreement separate us!!

I like the option of doing Thanksgiving at home with just the 3 of you, but if you do want to spend it separately, I hate to do it, but I agree with your MIL. If your family is going to have him the week after for mulitple days while you cruise, than it's only fair that he sees her on Thanksgiving. I know you want to spend time with your son on holidays, but the benefit is, he doesn't know any better and you can get a relaxing day to yourself to spend with your family.

I agree with many of the other posters. You may think, "Peace at all costs", but it seems like your MIL is winning. I like the idea of you, your husband, and your son celebrating together. Also, you could extend the invite to your family and your in-laws. It's their choice to accept or decline the invite. If your MIL declines, then that's on her. If she accepts, then she's on your turf. Oh, wouldn't she just love to have her son and precious grandson for Thanksgiving while the wicked DIL (from her perspective) celebrates elsewhere?!?

I hate the holiday family dramas. Crazy comes back every fall.

I say we are a family and we stick together. otherwise, we would be a divorced family with seperate holidays.

Your husband should come with you. His parents should apologize. I don't think either will happen. If yours was the post about his parents running you down to your own parents, I would try and make sure my parents don't ever listen to that garbage again. Tell them to screen calls, send emails to trash, and refuse to discuss you with them. I do think you should tell HIS parents YOU ALL know what THEY did.

You, your husband and son are a family now. Of course you both still have parents but it's time to start your OWN holiday traditions.
When my husband and I married I made it very clear that once we had kids we would stay home on Christmas day. I wanted to stay in my pj's all day, surrounded by a pack of happy, sleepy kids and mountains of wrapping paper. So we have worked it out that my family comes over on Christmas Eve and we go to his family's Christmas night and sleep over into the next day or two.
I realize you are talking about Thanksgiving, so why not have it at your place? Throw it out there, if no one wants to come than that is kind of sad (not to mention immature) but at least you can have a nice holiday with your husband and son, drama free.
And why can't your son split the following week between the grandparents, can't they each spend time with him, or are you saying your MIL is dangerous or unstable? If not, why not let him spend some time there too.

This is a really tough one. Some may say you should both go together b/c YOUR FAMILY is the most important now, not ties to your mom or his mom. That is not always so easy. Bottom line is you have to do what works for you and what you need. If it doesn't bother you that he is going w/o you, then it's fine. If it does bother you, and you feel you all should be together (even if you just stay home) - that is what you should do. The only advice I have is figure out what is important to you and stand up for it.

What do you and your husband have in your hearts about how to spend Thanksgiving?, Everyone else's feelings aside. Hope your family finds some common ground, it isn't just your parent's or your MIL's Thanksgiving.

As you alluded to, the problem isn't your MIL, it's your husband. And that is a sad realization, isn't it? A few sessions or marriage counseling might be able to set you back on track. Spending Thanksgiving apart is a bad idea. Your husband needs to talk to his mom and set some boundaries with her. You can't make him do it though. I would suggest half the day there and half day with your family until you and your husband can work through these issues. Good luck - it's a difficult problem.

Personally I think you should be going with your husband. You're going to your sister's in-law's house; he's going to immediate family's house. If you do celebrate separately, the baby should go with him since your family will have him while you're out of town. I would never spend Thanksgiving without my husband. It wouldn't matter to me who's house we were at, the important thing is that we're together.

After reading your post, I feel worried about you guys. This situation can really take it's toll on a marriage. What to do for Thanksgiving is just the most immediate example of a much larger problem: there is a rift in your family. I would do whatever it takes to remedy this situation. I would try some counseling with your hubby to try and sort it out. Is there anyway to make peace with your mother in law? Not for her but for you....peace with firm boundaries. Blessings!

I've read a few of the responses & I agree with all of them. You & your husband created a family together, period. It's not too late to host your own Thanksgiving & invite anyone else who chooses to spend holidays with you peacefully, but stop allowing someone outside of your 3-person family to dictate to you how/when/where your holidays will be spent.

Kate, I think you already have your answer. You said he can never say no to his mom. Did this 'condition' just occur, or have you always known that his mother has a strong hold over him? It is extremely unfortunate and I can definitely relate. With a child so young they are not really going to remember that mom and dad were separate for a single holiday. But the situation will not go away by avoiding it. as your son gets older it will only hurt you all more. You may have to be the bigger person in the situation and bite the bullet so to speak later on down the road. It seems to me that you are not going to change your husbands relationship with his mom, and she is not going to change her inability to be considerate to others (you), so you are the determing factor here. You can either choose to spend time with your MIL with gritted teeth and a pasted on smile, or contimue to spend holidays apart. There is also the alternative, our family trades off holidays. So my family for Thanksgiving and MIL for christmas and switch off the following year. Maybe when your MIL sees how considerate YOU are, she will get the picture (crossed fingers). Good luck!

Regardless of your issues with your MIL, never-ever use your child as a pawn. Not only it is not healthy for the child, it will come back to bite you later… Regardless of the issues you have with her, she is still your husband's mother and your son's grandmother. As long as their relationship remains healthy and there is no bashing you or gloating over winning or losing, then be gracious, respectful and mature. Tell your son, if he asks, that you think he and daddy will enjoy grandma's company "just the men". Eventually, your MIL will see that you are not trying to control her, but expressing differences. If however, you wage war, using your son… not only will it spiral out of control, it will teach your son that winning, at all costs, is the name of the game. Good luck!

I really think you should have your husband read these responses. Its so sad he choses her over you. you are his wife!!!! if he wanted to spend holidays with his mom and not his wife, he should have married her. I am in awe that he's going with her and not going with you. I'm so sorry! I'd be heart broken if my husband did this to me. That's not to say we didn't have our MIL issues early in our marriage. But we talked and he knows I'm the #1 woman in his life now, not his mom. Your husband needs to figure that out.

It's sad that this is happening, I am sorry you are dealing with this.

Your husband needs to realize that you are married, you arent supposed to let anything get in the way of YOUR marriage. Especially not family, and shame on his mother for causing so much trouble between you two. It isnt fair of her, and she knows that, she is just being childish.

Not part of the question here, but have you thought about you and your MIL going to a session or a few of counseling together? Maybe in hopes that you can say what you need to, get it out in the open and have a 3rd party person help you two work out your differences? There has to be a way that you and your husband can find a happy medium with her and set boundaries.

And it might sound idiotic, but have you had a real conversation, non accusing talk with your husband about exactly how you feel? How his Mother makes you feel and how she has been disrespecting you? Even he cant deny that, he must see what has been happening. Is his only solution to agree with his Mother? If so he has his priorities wrong and needs to evaluate them. It is wrong to choose your Mother over your spouse. When you marry you become one, a team. This is not a team. Continue to give the counseling a chance, and always go in with hope. If you lose hope then it will never end well. If you both love each other then there shouldn't be any reason you cant work it out. Especially a controlling MIL. Never lose hope.

Back to your question, if you have the guts to swallow your feelings and all that goes with for a little while, then make your husband a compromise, go to his parents for a little bit, and have a meal. You dont have to stay long, or even talk with her. You can say hello, and the niceties but nothing more. You doing so will show her that no, you dont like her attitude and whats been going on but you are going because its Thanksgiving and even though things are bad, you still have things to be thankful for. You have a healthy family, you love each other and I am sure many more. Focus on that.

You could also compromise by having dinner at one families house, and desert and drinks at the other.

The important thing to remember here is that its Thanksgiving, and you should be spending it together as a family. You, your husband and son. All differences should be put aside for one day. It can be done.

Best wishes, and I hope you find some way to spend this day together.

With the holiday this close, I think for this time you should let your husband take your son with him, since your parents will have to boy the next week.
However, I'm concerned that you seem ready to let this situation continue to exist with your MIL. I know it isn't always easy to deal with a person who is as self-centered as she seems to be, but you really need to take some time to try to work with her on the relationship. Of course, a lot of the 'working on it' should come from your husband having a serious talk with her about how her attitude is affecting the relationship. However, if he doesn't seem able to deal with it, I think you should. My recommendation is that you begin by apologizing for any possible part you may have had in escalating the problem yourself. (I know, you feel that the fault is all on her part, but even if it is such an apology will go a long way toward helping mend the fences.) Then work with her on the specific issues that led to this impasse and see if you can't come up with some sort of compromise that will work for all parties concerned. It may not work the first time, the second time, or even the third time, but it's worth the effort to try to make peace with a woman you are bound to be "stuck" with for many years to come.
Editing .... I wrote all of this before seeing other answers. One sent me to past posts and I can see that this situation is more serious than I at first thought it was. It's good that you and hubby are in counseling, and I pray that you will continue and that your marriage will be healed as well as your relationship with his mother.

I think you and your husband should have tgiving with your parents either at your house or theirs and have it another day at his moms and he and your son can go then. You your hubby and baby are the famiy that comes first. just stay home and have it at your house and envite some friends.