Spending Xmas Eve with Step-Daughter's "Other" Family?

I am my husband's second wife. At first, I was very uncomfortable doing things with 1st wife and her mom (things involving the two children). But I sucked it up and participated and over the years the uncomfortableness has disappeared and I am very comfortable being around them now. It helps that they have always treated me kindly and been very inviting.

I really think that you should suck it up and go. It will be a tremendous boost for your relationship with SD for her to see you and her mom interacting and getting along and it will make the divorce aspect of her life a little less traumatic.

So, my advice is to go this year and perhaps well before xmas next year, open up a discussion with hubby about other traditions you can start for your new family.

I would talk to him. I would say, "WE are a family now and WE should have our own traditions." I would be upset if my DH spent Christmas Eve with his ex, even if they got along. That would imply that the old way was more important than me. The child can have Christmas Eve with her mom and DH does not need to participate. I think that also, since they were unfavorable toward you, your DH needs to stand by you, more than standing by his ex.

Some people can do the "one big happy" but a lot of us can't. And a lot of us make do with slightly less favorable holidays, but I would RATHER my stepkids see their mom and not see my aunt than spend my holiday with her family.

I think you are not wrong. I think there's nothing wrong in a wife wanting her spouse to spend the holiday with HER and HER family over his ex. If going to church together is important to them, then maybe that should always be SD's day to go and her thing with her mom. But that doesn't mean it has to be yours and your DH's, too. What about your child or any children you might have together?

If he is unwilling to change and make new traditions, then what did he marry you for? A new spouse = new things. If he's not willing to make a family with YOU, then why didn't he just stay with her or stay single?

I am my DH's 2nd wife and while I deal with a lot for the sake of the kids (school events, special birthdays), I don't go all in on joint holidays. We split them. That's their time with their mom (if it's her year) and MY time with my husband, inlaws, my family and our child together. It seems like he's showing no solidarity with his new wife. Leaving you alone on Christmas Eve? So much for a honeymoon. It is NOT selfish to want to be with your husband - without his ex! - for your first married Christmas!

And people wonder why 2nd marriages crack. This is one of them. What is he thinking? He's not thinking about when the kid is grown and gone and doing her own thing without him. These events build a marriage...or chip at it.

I"m not anti-child or even anti-doing things together. But I think that there are times when the married unit or other family trumps the old habits. My DH used to allow his ex to hang out and dine in his home and leave trash everywhere on her pickups. I put an end to that. It was easier when he was single to allow it, but then it became MY home and my child's home and she did NOT need to eat here. She's not my friend. I do not need to host her dinner party. And you know what? The kids are fine. The "kids" are now 17 and 22 and FINE. My putting my foot down about the game night/dinner time in my home didn't ruin them. I'm sure it would be easier not to choose, but for pity's sakes, life isn't easy. You said you would be alone - so your own child is with her father when he's expecting you to visit his ex?

And if he does get a clue and decline he should say, "*I* thought about it and *I* want to spend Christmas Eve with L." not "L. wouldn't let me go." Don't let him put you under the bus.

I don't think you're selfish at all, and I'd be BEYOND pissed at my husband if he did this to us. YOU are his family now, not the ex wife. While it's nice that they're on good terms, there is no reason for him to be spending holidays with his ex-wife's family when you two should be building new traditions with your own immediate and extended families. Of course your SD should spend Christmas Eve with her mom's family if that's the tradition, but there is no reason for your husband to be there too. I'm assuming of course that he will spend Christmas day with his daughter. While it's nice that in the past both parents have been able to celebrate the holiday with their child together, that's not realistic or necessary going forward.

I'm afraid that it's a bit late to throw a wrench in the works this year without seeming petty, so if I were you, I would slap on my happy face and go and be gracious and try to have a good time, but would also let hubby know right now that this will be the last time that this happens and starting after Christmas, you'll be working together on new plans to celebrate the holidays going forward. And frankly, as nice as it is that they are including you, I'm sure it's just to be polite and that the ex-wife doesn't like the idea either. Time for both of them to cut the cord and move on. One consequence of divorce is that you stop celebrating holidays together. I think that birthday parties are different and it's always nice if both parents (and their new families or significant others) can get along and play nice for a few hours so that the child can celebrate his or her birthday with the whole family, but holidays are for spending with family and the ex's family is NOT his family any more.

I spend a lot of time with my ex and his wife. My hubby likes them just fine, it was awkward the first few times but he knows there is nothing there and we are all family. I wish everyone could get along as well as we all do. It is a miracle in these days and times that we are so close. We are all good people who are adult enough to realize the kids mean more than our little opinions and bits of pride.

I say you should go and let the past be water under the bridge. They are going to be your family as long as you are married to your husband and he is willing to let things go and be in the past. I think highly of him being able to do that.

I see you've had lots of responses and I haven't read them all. Your post just struck me b/c I was in a similar situation. In my case, my husband had two boys from a previous marriage. His ex left him and took the boys. He was heartbroken and saw the boys every weekend. This happened when the boys were 5 & 7. We met a year later. We dated for 7 years and then married. We did live together for years and heard the same stuff from his ex. We have been married 11 years and have a 6 & 3 year old. She has remarried but no more children. We never did anything with them and it was hard in that the boys always had to choose.
When the oldest (now 27) was 18 and graduated highschool, he wanted a family party with everyone together. Talk about awkward. However, I believe we all did the right thing and put all issues aside for the night and had the party for Mark. SInce then we have gotten together for graduations and believe it or not, fourth of July. The ex has everyone to her house for a parade and cookout. My two little ones love the parade and going to it with their big brothers.
Anyway - we'll never be friends, never be close & if either of us moved far way then the get togethers would stop. My point is that the boys are happy and that makes the rest of us happy. They have decent memories of growing up. I too, used to feel jealous and want my husband to choose me over them. BUT - he will always be a dad and to make him choose is unfair and selfish.
I say, go and try to make the best of it for your step daughter. She is young afterall. No one says you have to be extra chummy just try to be cordial. If they have to suck up from the things they said previously - let them. Be the bigger person. I guarantee your step daughter will remember these times.
Best of Luck!!!!!

I get the feeling this is more about you wanting new traditions rather than not wanting to be a part of the old tradition. I get that but it is really self centered.

Granted the traditions I have do not involve my ex or his family but I would be pretty irritated if Troy had come along and tried to force me to change my traditions for pretty much no good reason. You do know you have pretty much no good reason?

They didn't like you living in sin, that describes everyone over a certain age. Doesn't make them bad people, it makes them old. They didn't think it is okay, I assume you said it is okay. So you said the opposite should they be mad at you for telling their granddaughter? that is okay to live in sin?

I guess I am saying you are looking for reasons to pick a fight and the only reason you are doing it is because you want your husband to pick your future instead of his past. Problem is you are also asking him to stir up his daughter's Christmas traditions to placate you.

If Troy asked this of me I would tell him to go eff himself. Then again I love him because he puts my kids before what is better for him.

Read your what happened, marriage is about compromise but it isn't about stirring up a child's traditions just to force a compromise. You are the adults, you control your decisions, your step daughter is a child, she didn't ask for any of this. You need to think of what is best for her, not you, sorry but you are the adult.

I get the feeling you didn't have kids before this relationship so I will enlighten you, if you ask him to put you before his daughter he will pick his daughter every time. I can assure you I would never be with someone who asked me to put them before my kids.

This isn't his way! It is the way that is best for his daughter! What the heck, you think that ring is going to turn him against his daughter, good luck with that. I mean that is how you sound, three years as an unmarried couple, now you have the ring, you think you have the right to make him put you first?

I also don't want you to think I am judging you. You have every right to your feelings, it is just that child has to have her feelings come first, she never asked for this.

You don't have to be super close to them at all. But you did say that they are eating their words, and trying to make up for their behavior. Sounds like they have a change of heart about you. I would try to embrace that thought, because you can either be miserable, or you can try to get along. What better thing for your SD to see, than for you to embrace ALL of her family? I'd suspect that you are just mad that your new hubby is still going to be around his ex and her family, and that is a sore spot. You have to see things from their side too, there is a kid involved. The spotlight needs to be on her, and not on you, as hard as that is.

My MIL had an issue and would not invite my Grandpa to Easter or Thanksgiving, (My parents go to FL from Oct to May so they are not here for those holidays) My Grandpa was over 90 years old and a very nice wonderful man. I was Horrified, that my MIL would not allow him to come to dinner.. You don't mix family's.(my heart broke because instead of spending the day with Grandpa and my husbands family I had to take grandpa out to lunch and then go back to my MILs_) I DO NOT get it. My Dads parents and my moms parents got together even if they or us grand kids were not around? So to answer your question. I think you should go. to make it special for your step daughter. I know that my brother goes to his wife's first husbands family (her husband died) every year. It is the holidays. You can sit at home and have a pitty party for youself or you can go with your husband and enjoy yourself.

I totally understand where you are coming from, I have a stepdaughter too. I think it's COMPLETELY insensitive to ask that a stepmom ALWAYS put the stepchild's feelings first because "she didn't ask for it." A parent or step-parent's job is NOT to always "suck it up" as we are human beings too and we have feelings and they are just as valid and important as the child's. I think one must find a balance, and that involves concessions on EVERYONE'S part. I guarantee you that those people who tell you that you have to always put the stepchild first have never been in your shoes, and if they were, they certainly would not say that! There are times to put the child first and times to compromise.

Your stepdaughter's birthday, important events in her life such as performances and graduations–those are the times to put her first. We always do joint birthday parties for my SD so she can have her mom and dad there.

Lucky for me my stepdaugher's bio mom and I get along beautifully. I have been to my SD's grandparents and great grandparents' house for many things and we all get along.

I completely understand your feelings, Christmas is a time for family and I agree that it's okay for your SD to go to her mom's but your husband should spend Christmas Eve with you.

That being said, it's your first Christmas. I know it took at least 2 years for new traditions to be born and for things to change. So please have some patience. In the beginning everyone was resistant to change–my husband, his family and my sd's family so I just laid low for a while. You don't want to be seen as the "bad guy" who walks in and makes changes. I COMPLETELY get where you're coming from. But the world sees us as "evil" much of the time so we have to be mindful of our actions.

If I were you (and again, I TOTALLY get where you are coming from) I would actually go down for Christmas Eve and make nice. You don't have to become their new best friend, but you really do want to be on good terms with your SD's family because it makes things SO MUCH EASIER!

Don't go down because you always have to put your SD first, that's baloney. She doesn't have to come first 100% of the time. Go down because you want to start things off good with her family and it's a good time to get to know them. Believe me, it will make for a much better future for you all if you do!

And then wait until next year to suggest new family traditions. Don't change things all at once (even though you want to).

Put your husband and SD first when the occasion warrants. But don't forget you have feelings, rights and opinions and they are valid too. You are a NEW family--there will be some bumps along the way but you'll be fine.

Good luck! and Merry Christmas!

I can understand your hubby wanting to be a part of his daughter life and for you to be involved as well. But I don't think he should still be going since they are divorced. I am a second wife too so I can understand where you are coming from. My hubby is friendly with his ex wife, he will go for his daughter’s b-day, graduation or something like that. He does not celebrate with his ex's family and I think they (he and his ex) would end up fighting.

I would talk to your husband about this and why he is still celebrating with them. He should be with you starting your own traditions as a married couple. SD should still go and be with her mom. I think by him continuing to go will only confuse his daughter or give her false hope that they will get back together. As a child from divorce myself I think this would be very confusing for her. She will wonder why they got divorced when they get along so well.

I understand your frustration, and wanted to throw out a few ideas:

From your stepdaughter's perspective, this might be a very affirming moment for her to have 'all' of her family around. I grew up always having to decide which people were family, always having to choose. It was hard and horrible. So, I see the value in this meal.

I understand your resentment of your husband leaving to go to spend time with them instead of you. But let's remember-- his daughter didn't get a choice in her parents divorcing or her daddy remarrying. Your husband is giving her a gift in giving her a small semblance of 'normal'. I imagine this is weird or hard sometimes for him, too, to have to step into an old life rife with judgments and accusations. He's been willing to forgive it enough, though, and that's to be acknowledged. He's going to give her a sense of not having to choose between Daddy and Mama.

Is she staying the night for Christmas at their home, or coming home with Daddy? Part of 'normal' is celebrating special occasions with family. I didn't get to spend ONE birthday with my biological dad until I was 28. First one ever. This last October, I celebrated my sister's birthday with her for the first time ever--we grew up in separate households--she's just turned 37. We miss a lot when we miss those little traditions.

If you can, consider two things, short term and long term. First, could you feel okay with going down to the dinner, bowing out of the church service (just tell them you need a little quiet with a cup of tea and a book) and show them that they were *so incredibly wrong* about you by being polite and friendly? Then, longer term, perhaps a marriage counselor could help you and your husband navigate this situation so that it feels better for everyone involved next year?

I don't think you are a horrible person at all, L., and hope other people don't give you a hard time for this. I haven't read what others have written in response. I understand your hurt from your husband's ex-in-laws, too. I hope things work out better for you in the future...what a spot to be in. Good wishes, whatever you choose.

Do what you feel comfortable doing with no apologies.

I don't think you're wrong to feel this way at all. I would feel completely out of place if it were me. Your husband needs to realize that you come before his ex and her family. Maybe SD should alternate years and spend one year with her mom's family and then the next year with you and your husband. Your husband has a new family now and it's time that they (and he) accept this. It is time to make your own traditions. Best wishes!

I know that this a very touchy subject. I am in a somewhat similiar situation. I have now been married for 12 yrs to my hubby. He is a widower with 2 sons. We now have 4 additional children together. Anyway, when we were first married, I was informed that my husbands mother-in-law claimed Christmas Eve. Since we have our 2 older boys, we go to the in-laws and spend the evening. There too have been unkind words at the beginning of our relationship and since then but I feel it's important to my sons for us to spend time with their family. I feel that by showing them I can be with their family, they will spend time with mine when I ask. My 4 younger children have benefited by having additional cousins (who have never said unkind things) as well as I have developed relationships with additional family members on his previous wife's side. My husband makes sure that I am comfortable being there and we do limit the amount of time we are there. It is a compromise. Granted my husband is a widower, in your case, there is an ex that you have to associate with. Just be aware of what the lines are before you are around each other and make sure that you and your husband have an open communication. That is key! I think your SD will grow and appreciate what you have done by taking the upper road and putting her as a priority. That's how I see it. You are doing it for her not for her mother. I also grew up in a home where my parents were divorced. We never spent time together "mixed", barely even my wedding. My step-mom was the one who oppossed. I wasn't looking for her to be bosom buddies with my mother but it would have been nice for both of the women in my life to be able to spend a few hours together for my and my siblings benefit, ie: birthdays, school functions, etc. I hope this helps a bit. I do understand how you are feeling. It will basically boil down to what you are comfortable with handling and how you choose to show it. Try not to be too mad at the hubby, he is chartering new territory too. Most importantly....talk it over. Good luck and I hope you have a peaceful holiday.

oh lord i didn't read the responses but i hope no one suggested you actually go?? i would not go.

I agree with others. they dont sound like bad people. My parents felt the same about me living with my fiancee, but we have all managed to continue coexisting and loving each other despite some differences. IF you can get along with this other family it would be the most wonderful gift you could give your SD. Try for her sake to do it this year, with the understanding you will not be expected to continue this every year. and yes in the future hubby could spend the evening with you while SD is with her mom and extended family. But doing it this year really sends a great message to SD

I don't think you are horrible to feel this, but I do think that you can bury the bad feelings in the (very recent) past and bring your own happy contributions to this tradition to kind of integrate yourself into your step-daughter's holiday celebration. It's still very new, you've only been married 3 months, not sure how long you all have been together and doing this though... but I would calmly and kindly bring up to your husband that you think it is wonderful he is so close to the ex's family, but that you would also like to create your own Christmas Eve traditions together as well. See if you can come up with some sort of compromise in which this happens at the ex's every other year, or that you are able to have another "just your immediate family" tradition that day.

I know the whole Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher vacationing/hanging out with ex-husband Bruce Willis thing shocked a lot of people, but it seemed to work for their family (while it lasted of course).

I would go and try to enjoy myself. So, they didn't like you living together. Neither would more than 50% of the mom's on Mamapedia if you read the threads about ex's and their new girlfriends. Neither did my dad (for 25 years) until DH and I got married. And he came to my house and we stayed at my parents' house despite that. I see that this might be hard initially but I think having Christmas with her entire family (old and new) is a good thing for your daughter. Besides, there will be enough big issues for you and the mom to deal with. You will do better to start off with a good relationship.

You can't come along and change xmas eve traditions that your new husband has had with his daughter. They invited you! I mean....my ex and I divorced and I WISH so bad we could all have at least ONE holiday that is "normal" for my daughter with ALLL of her family together celebrating (with exception of her birthday that NEVER happens). If this was one Holiday my ex could come to my house & spend Xmas eve with his daughter and my family and it made my daughter happy, then he got married and we welcomed the new wife (which is not common btw) and then he stopped coming I would be upset. Your stepdaughter is sooo lucky to have her parents get along enough to spend one Holiday together. Also like someone else said, if tables were turned ... and my new husband made me choose I would be pissed at him. Just another thought... didn't you guys spend any Holidays together before being married?

You and your husband have been married for 3 months. There has got to be some time for transition. If you want to be the "good" person in this you will go with them. First to show your support to your Step Daughter and show her you care about her and her feelings, and Second to support your husband in this time of transition.
I know it is the hardest thing for you to endure right now, but it would be best if you went with them as a family unit. You don't have to be buddy-buddy with these people, but you may enjoy them. I am not in a step-parent relationship, but I have to endure several people I cannot stand every year for Christmas. I do that to support my husband and my kids.
Good Luck and have a Merry Christmas.

I just wanted to give you a different perspective. My family all goes and stays the night at my Mom's house, and my husband doesn't like it, and doesn't want to do it, but he does because he loves me and its important to me and the kids. So, think about it this way, you could have to stay the night and spend all day Christmas with them. Instead, you only have to spend one evening. And, I hate to say this, but since you have been together 3 years, getting married doesn't automatically change the routine that has already by set up, and you need to have a conversation about this with your new hubby. In his mind, he is probably thinking, well, we've done it this way for all of the past so, why would we change now? And, you daughter is thinking, yeah, I get to have all my family that loves me together yippee! and if you think that they won't notice have a hard time with you staying home, you are wrong. I have been on that end too, and it totally SUCkS!! and ruins the time for the people that love you because they know you don't approve and want them there without you, but you didn't go. I know you don't want, but its not Christmas day, or morning, and maybe it would be ok to bite the bullet and show love. You don't have to like it, but we do things as parents for those we love that we don't like. Its part of the job. Good luck! I hope you can come to terms within yourself to make a good decision.

I get what you are saying however, this isn't about you or them. It is about your step-daughter. She is just a child and had no say in the matter as to her parents splitting up or what actions the adults in her life take. It sounds like her father (and mother's family) are trying to give the girl as normal a life (holiday) as possible and for that I commend him because a lot of parents will cater to the new SO in their lives at the expense of their child. Sounds like you have a good one. It is great that your stepdaughter can have some good memories with both parents at the same time.

What I don't see in your post is who does your SD primarily live with, how far away is this Christmas Eve celebration, and what the rest of the holiday arrangement is. If it's close, maybe you and hubby can go for some but not all of it...for instance if she live with you and you take her, stay for a bit and then leave or let mom pick her up and you guys go to pick her up and hang for a bit. Does she spend the night with mom/mom's family on CE or does she come home with you? I think depending on those specifics, a compromise can be worked out for the good of both the child and your marriage. If it HAS to be mutually exclusive (I don't think it should), then the good of the child should rule.

I can understand your feelings. Was it a good experience for you?