Spoiled Children

They need boundaries.
And yes, how old are they? And how many kids?
"Expectations" and consequences have to be age appropriate... because each age is different... and their understanding and ability....

If they are older kids, don't give in. They will whine/tantrum, but too bad.
YOU are the parent... YOU are the 'Leader", not them. They are not adults.
They need rules and consequences and boundaries.... starting now... and in time, they will realize.

It seems you tried many approaches... is there a Dad? HE has to be on board too.... and you both have to be consistent.

There is a book called "Have a New Kid By Friday" by Leman and "How to talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk" that is both very good.
Try getting ideas from these books.... on Amazon, you can read the reviews of both books.

all the best,
Susan

I find myself telling my kids they are ungrateful sometimes too, but really they are not. If kids hear no 15 itmes in a row, yea, their world starts to fall apart. So does mine. Kids need control of some things. So maybe let them be in control of cleaning their room or what you make for dinner...letting my kids make some decisions and take responsibility has helped a LOT. They want the extra mile because they are used to it. So when they get a no if they normally get a yes, it's hard. Think if someone did it to you. I know I would freak out!! So maybe sit down and talk to them if they are old enough and explain that some things are going to change. Some things they will like and others they won't. Good luck!!

I'm so glad you've asked this important question. Gratitude is an area that causes endless confusion in the wildly privileged life we lead in this country, and it becomes so easy to take our embarrassment of riches for granted. And so easy for kids to become overindulged.

Looking through your profile, it appears your kids are pretty young (2.5 – 4?). The behavior you describe is really completely normal in that age group, which is not to say that there's nothing you can do to improve it.

"Spoiled" is a pretty slippery concept, because it's basically a lack of appreciation. Gratitude is a feeling, like happiness, regret, anger, sadness or fear, and we can't simply insist that anybody feel, or not feel, any particular emotion. Even as adults, we don't have that kind of emotional control. But if we're thoughtful about it, we can help set up the conditions in which positive emotions are likely to arise.

The best way to teach gratitude is to model your own, and that can be for almost anything, like a nourishing meal, friendship, work, health, comfy shoes, soft rain in summer, a field full of bright dandelions. In fact, practicing thankfulness early and often for even small blessings is a wonderful way to experience happiness yourself, which in turn makes it more likely for those around you, especially your children.

We can punish kids for lack of gratitude, but that's like punishing them for lack of happiness. We can manipulate them emotionally when they "make" us feel bad, although that's actually a misconception – our own thoughts make us feel bad. But that won't make them feel anything more positive than guilt, and puts far too much power in their inexperienced hands, believing they can "make" us feel bad at will (which adults then interpret as spoiled or bratty).

We can get really restrictive about giving them treats, or we can take toys and belongings away from them when they don't demonstrate the feelings we deem appropriate, but that does little beyond weakening trust and communication, and confusing our kids. That's extremely unlikely to get the result of "Okay, Mom, I get it – I feel really, really appreciative now!"

So, there's a balance to look for as your kids get older. Besides modeling thoughfulness, kindness, respect and gratitude for and toward our kids, are there any other practices that would help? Respecting your own needs and reasonable boundaries is terribly important. I'd be strongly inclined to be clear – ahead of time – about what treats you will or won't buy your children on a shopping trip… IF they cooperate and don't keep begging.

If they beg and whine, remind them (you'll have to do this repeatedly while they're young) that you've already told them what treat they'll get, IF they cooperate. Then if they don't, tell them sympathetically that you understand that they want every good thing they see, but that they've lost their chance on this trip. If they cry and beg, after a warning or two, too bad. You'll have to repeat several times before they get it, especially for the younger one, and especially if begging and crying have worked for them in the past.

I don't know what you mean by others seeing the child's sorrow and giving in. Do "others" give your kids what they want, or do you, hoping to look like The Good Mom? If you're worried about what other people think, you're mind-reading a bunch of strangers to decide how to parent, and you'll never be consistent enough to let your kids know you mean what you say.

Children's behavior is largely about finding strategies to meet their perceived needs. So, instead of giving in, and instead of more intensive scolding, or even punishment from adults, kids generally respond positively and quickly to "I see by your behavior, you want/need more of X. I really, really understand. I wish I could give you as much X as you want. More, even! Now, I need to go and do Z. Help me get this done, and then we can enjoy some X."

My grandson's whining has miraculously disappeared since instituting this approach a couple of years ago (he's now 4.5). Though he does receive the logical consequences for his choices and mistakes, punishment as a parent-imposed ritual has disappeared from his life – there's no need for it. His parents (and other nurturers) don't have to force or manipulate him, or seldom even raise our voices, to get his calm, respectful, usually cheerful cooperation. He knows we're on his team, and so he's happy to be on ours.

If this sounds as wonderful to you as it is, teach yourself why children become stubborn and demanding starting around two, and how to respond, and you can melt away a tremendous amount of that youthful wheedling and resistance. Three fabulous resources for helping you in this follow:

The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp (you can also google this for some great little videos showing him putting his techniques into action);

Also the book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, and the concept of Emotion Coaching, another term you can google for lots of useful information. (Here's one good link to get you started: http://www.education.com/reference/article/important-pare... .)

There are also some terrific books working with related techniques. One of my favorites is by Faber and Mazlish, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. The methods make for good emotional connections, resulting in happy, cooperative and (mostly) obedient children. Every young family I know that has employed these methods have been pleased, and enjoy much more peaceful family life.

I'd recommend Love and Logic books, if you're interested in reading on this topic. Other than that, I'd say to stick with the empathy. We all deal with disappointment in life - even as adults. Offer an example of this to your kids the next time they're bumming about something. "Oh, I know this is a bummer for you. I sometimes feel like that when I want something and can't have it, too. Why don't you think about this and let me know tomorrow how you're feeling." If they want to buy something or want a candy, tomorrow you can talk about how they could earn money to buy it, maybe doing extra work around the house to earn their covetted item.

If someone else tries to overstep your boundries or limits you've set for your kids, you're going to have to learn to speak up. Tell them that you're the mom and the answer is no. Or explain that you're teaching your child to wait for an item and that they can't have everything, and you'd appreciate their support in teaching this valuable lesson. It's going to take a long time to break this, but stick with it! You can do it, and you're children will be better children and adults for it! You really should be proud of yourself for recognizing this is happening and making a plan to address it!

what is your reaction? do you get worked up? im not blaming you, but the key is to remain as calm as possible, even if you simply walk away for a minute and just breathe. breathing is the KEY STEP before action with children. what they need is to know you are in control of both the situation and yourself. trust me, as a mom prone to yelling (because its what i grew up with) it helps to just step back from the situation, realize that kids will be kids, and go back and deal with the situation in a calm rational way.

one thing my mom and i have both used is the line "i do not speak whine" or "i dont understand you when you talk to me like that, go to your room and when you can talk normally come back to me". this works!!!! kids really get the hint! i dont care if they are whining to tattle, if they are whining because they are tired/hungry/thirsty, or if they are whining because they are hurt, repeating over and over that you do not understand whining they will start talking normally to get you to hear them.

another hint is to whisper when talking to them. it takes some getting used to but kids have to work to listen to a whisper.

another thing is to maybe try to make a schedule for the day and follow it to the best of your ability every day. i dont know what the ages of your kids are (you dont say) but make some kind of routine/schedule, making sure you do something with them to keep them out of trouble. im telling you; a daily bonding activity will only calm your children! :) a game, even if its 52 card pick up LOL. candy land is a simple game for kids of any age. coloring, reading. something that you are doing with them. then make sure you are getting individual time with each child. this is a lot for you to do! :) but it should help!

good luck!

I fear this may also happen to my 2.5 year old one day. She's an only child & no one in our family has children, so she's also an only grandchild. I"m already determined that just as soon as I feel it is age appropriate, we are going to volunteer. This means picking up trash in public places, serving meals at homeless shelters and any other worthy public service. I'm not certain it will teach her to be grateful, but it will be helpful for her to see that others have so little when she has so much. I'm hoping I won't have to teach or explain much beyond these experiences b/c they will speak for themselves. After volunteering, I figure we'll talk about what we did and so on, sparking conversation to reinforce the lesson. I had a boyfriend who came from a very poor family and every opportunity they had, they would go out & volunteer. It made me feel spoiled & I was a grateful kid! It really touched me to see that eventhough they had so little money, what they and we all have is time. Time to volunteer and help those less fortunate and humble ourselves no matter how old we are or how much we own. In fact, I might start today!

I'm a teacher and a mother, and here are some suggestions:
*stay calm as much of the time as you can (once you're not calm anymore you are no longer in charge of the situation)
*be consistent (no means no)
*be willing to negotiate after things get under control at home
*follow a routine (consistent daily schedule, consistent routines for breakfast, dinner, bedtime, bathtime, leaving the house, solving problems, cleaning up, etc.)
*kids like to have a parent who is calm, in control, sets boundaries, is consistent, follows familiar routines, etc. -- all of this is reassuring and calming to children!
*snuggle -- loving physical contact is healthy, and helps calm and reassure children
*teach independence -- children feel proud of themselves when they can do things on their own
*set limits for screen time

Get Jim Fay's books called Parenting with Love and Logic. They are really great and make a lot of sense. I have used his Teaching with Love and Logic as a school teacher and now use the parenting books too for my young children. My son is in the "terrible twos" and using the part of giving choices has helped us a lot!
Jim Fay talks a lot about ways to give your children control and responsibilty for their own actions. When we do this consistently they learn value in their belongings and actions. It makes a lot of sense and I have seen it work countless times!
Don't beat yourself up over your children's behavior. We have all been there! :-)
A.

I have been reading a book called "Meeting the Challenge; Using Love and Logic to help Children Develop Attention and Behavior Skills" It is a wonderful book by Jim Fay. There are 2 rules to using Love and Logic
Rule #1: Adults take care of themselves by providing limits in a loving way.
Rule # 2: Childhood misbehavior is treated as an opportunity for gaining wisdom.
Everything is done with Empathy and with the child seeing that you really are on their side. I have learned that I am actually doing my children an injustice by not following through and giving them the opportunity to learn and grow. My bond with my kids has grown!
I would highly recommend getting your hands on a Jim Fay Love & Logic book to help you through this. (He has quite a few books out)
I hope you can find something that will work for you and your family!
Hugs!
~M.

Whenever I would wait on a customer I would end with "Have a good day" One customer always replied "No MAKE it a good day" How true is that.

You don't say how old your children are but at any age they can learn to be grateful for what they have. It takes patience, consistancy and compassion. If they are older then sit down with them in a family meeting and set house rules and consiquences, giving them chores and responsibilities, then stick to it no matter how much they whine about it. Just remind them they chose the consiquence, not you. Then don't argue with it anymore. One rule I had at my house was no one was allowed to hit except me and if they hit their brother or sister I would beat them...lol ok so I wouldn't beat them but they never did hit each other like a lot of siblings. they picked on each other but never got physical. I also didn't allow name calling and I never called the kids names or said they were brats or anything that would label the child instead of the bad behavior. I always corrected the behavior not the child.

Community service will help them see how other people live. Even my 3 year old granddaughter gets the idea of poor people who can't afford toys or things for their children. She was so proud of the twin dolls that she picked out to give to some little girl who doesn't get any Christmas presents or the money to different benifits and non profit organizations. Giving is the best way of recieving and people need to learn that.

I don't know if you are religious or not but throughout my life I have found that my faith is so important to get me through some bad times, including the death of my youngest son who was 22. I have watched the difference of how some people who have lost their child and have faith or those who don't have faith and don't have anything to lean on when dealing with it. Give your children that faith to lean on and it will also teach them to appreciate what they have and make material things less important.

Last but not least, children don't come with manuals and your saying you made them that way is not all true, some are born with it, some learn what they live and others find the easy road of fits gets them what they want. Also boredom will cause the bickering between siblings pretty fast too. That isn't your fault. Know that you are a good mom and that your children are loved so unless you are beating them, starving them or neglecting them in some way, you are a good mom.

wow, i would empty their rooms of all good things, leave a mattress for sleeping, the bare essentials then give stuff back ONLY for good behavior.

your right, something has to be done is it has gotton this bad

I agree with the others who said to read the love and logic books. They are great and practical advice and they work when you work the system....BUT YOU ARE THE KEY, you have to be consistent, stick to your guns, and not give in to the whining - remember your goal, well rounded responsible kids, not perfectly happy kids just because you give them everything they want( and whiners if you don't). How will they ever deal with the real world where they don't get that promotion they wanted for not doing any work, etc?

Make them responsible for their own things ( laundry in hamper, whas themselves if they are old enough, dishes into sink or dishwasher, rotate nights who washes and drys and puts away, pick up room, etc.), gradually, and for chores around the house, lay ground rules, like homework/daily chores must be all done before any games, TV or Computer time.

I just wanted to let you know I was an only child and only grandchild for 6 years, and I didn't turn out spoiled - I had chores in the house, and was taught to love everyone/thing, people and animals, and care for my material things as well. If I broke something it didn't just reappear new, I had to earn it back, fix it , or go without. Church played a large part in these teachings, as did service, I went to a parochial school, and we had to do service projects, and I was in Camp Fire kids, which also instills very good valeus like boy scouts or girl scouts. As a family we never volunteered in the traditional sense of "signing up" as part of a group doing something, but we always visited the nursing home once a week, we always picked up trash/litter when we saw it in a park or public place, and we always helped others whenever there was an opportunity, whether we knew them or not (putting in storm windows for grandparents, babysitting for other relatives, or helping a stranger on the street who dropped her groceries or something).

I am carrying on this tradition with my kids....they are only 3.5 and 1.5 now, and we pick up trash at the park every time we go ( I make sure to keep a few empty wal-mart bags in the stroller, and hand sanitizing wipes for afterward) and my kids will now do it without even being told to. We draw pictures and send notes to the older ladies in our church who are lonely, and we have the kids help with chores around the house already, picking up toys, dusting, sweeping, putting away dishes ( 3 year old does silverware on a step stool - one year old does tupperware), picking up the sticks around the yard before Daddy mows, and folding laundry!

You can teach kids to not be entitled and spoiled rotten in your day to day life! Yes, they will whine in the beginning, Love and Logic has techniques to deal with that reaction; but would you rather deal with a little whining now as they adjust, or deal with whining leaches for the rest of their lives, as they count on you to bail them our of every crisis situation, and "make them happy" every time they don't get what they want in the world?

Good Luck!

Jessie

I too have this problem..Sounds to me you are doing everything right. iv done the good behaviour charts and rewards. Of course this doesnt work for my 10 years old anymore. Ialso put in consequences for bad behaviour. Some small naughty issues i ignore because they are not getting the desired attention. Yes ..they are seeking attention whether it be good or bad...they want it. I have attended parenting course which are extremely helpful. Contact your local Childcare provider..they may be able to help you.

Yep it is going to get worse before it gets better. Sounds like they have you around their little finger and it is time to get yourself on the top of the list instead of the bottom. I had the same issue and as much as we want a nice quiet life sometimes when we give them all they want it makes it worse. First I would stop giving them everything and make them earn anything they want by doing chores or whatever you can ask. And I would sit them down and have a quiet talk and lay the law done not by yelling but in a quiet manner and tell them the consequences of what will happen if they don't follow the rules. And don't give in!!! And talk about respect for you and each other and what the consequences will be if they aren't. There is going to be some sibling rivilary but not to the extreme that it sounds like. You didn't say how old they are but if they are in their teens some of it is a growing stage and you have to bite you tongue. Good Luck!

How old are they? How many?

have you thought of volunteering your time? You could check online for opportunities that you can do as a family. Sometimes just seeing that other people don't have it so good can change a person's perspective. Volunteer at a homeless shelter. Offer to prepare and serve a meal at an orphanage. Check out volunteermatch.org for literally 100s of opportunitites. Get them out from in front of the TV to help others in thier community.

I'd have 1 week (or so) with, no tv, no games(PSP, DS, XBox, PS3), no computer, no cell phone, no radio, no type of "modern" fun. I'd take it back to the "leave it to beaver" days. Its gonna be hell the first couple of days, but maybe if you have some good old fasion family fun, board games, dinners, lunches, bike riding, your kids will re-connect with the family. I'm wishing you all the best.

What age are the kids? That makes a huge difference.

No offense but you may be the contributor to this situation. Kids learn from their environments. Are you trying hard to please everyone that now you are not able to keep up, and so you feel guilty when one gets attention over the other. Create boundaries and expect them to whine when they don't get their own way, but you should set the tone in disciplining and re-directing the behavior. They are not spoiled, they are just products of their environment. You know what is best for each of them, don't lose sight of that no matter how much THEY think they need whatever they need.

you poor thing!

I think there is way more than one problem here. I would try to find one thing to work on at a time and eventually it will add up. It didn't take a day to get to where your kids are, it won't take a day to fix it.

First, are the "basics" in order? Do they get sleep, nutrition, exercise? Are you setting a good example? Even when things are beyond your patience, you still are teaching your kids. In that case, how to handle a crisis.

I would take things one at a time, try to listen to what they are saying even though HOW they are saying it is awful - then TEACH them how to say it politely.

You may want to check out Scott Noel and his dailygroove. Adele Faber has some really great books. But if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't have the strength to go there quite yet, so I would post one question at a time and work on things little by little. Your family is worth it and your SANITY is worth it too!

Its good that you see it needs to change. Thats the first step. But I'm sure the most frusturating part will be how long it takes to get to that change! It's always easier (at the moment) to give in to them to keep them quiet and happy. But of course they are going to protest change when it means they dont get everything they want. But if you believe all the things you said to be true, then it needs to be done. I think that is whats wrong with sooo many kids anymore. They are spoiled, entitled, disrespectful and lazy. It's our job to teach them different. Stopping their behavior is not going to be easy, at all. It will take time, and it will get worse before its get better. They will be angry that their easy ride is over lol. But stay strong, and firm. And anyone who isnt going to support you I'd tell to back off for now. You need support, as much as you can get. My best bit of advice is this, and believe me I have to remind myself of this all the time : YOU are the parent, YOU are in charge, what YOU say goes. I'm not saying become a tyrant, but they are children who won't make the best decisions for themselves. Thats up to you. Good luck, and seek help from your Dr., an older respected friend or relative etc. And stay strong :)