Starting over Again - Orange,CA

I say it's never too late. I had my son at 31 years old with my first husband. We separated when my son was only 8 months old. I got married again at 40 years old to my husband who was 51 years old at the time and had never been married or had kids. We went through 5 years of 2 miscarriages, 1 try at artificial insemination and without trying I got pregnant at 44 1/2 years old and we had a daughter when I was 45 years old, my husband was 56 years old and my son was 14 years old! It's awesome and my son is a great big brother to his little sister.

Drop the loser.
He only wants more sex.
You sound smart,young, and attractive and can find someone better. Anyway you have your hands full with your two kids.
Sorry to be so blunt, but if he cared he'd want to get married ASAP.
B. v
PS My husband thinks the same way about your situation. He
says, "It's a simple case."

Hi M.,

It seems to me that your BF's timeline is not that outrageous and your math is a little off. Here's the way I see it.

You're having a long distance relationship now -- have you spent much actual time together? If not, dating for 1 - 2 years while living separately makes sense. This give you both time to really get to know each other in person, not just over the phone, and it gives your kids an opportunity to get to know him, too. If it turns out you're not as compatible as you thought (that's the dual you, by the way), or if significant issues arise with your kids and him, then you're not in a situation where one of you has to move out, which would be far less traumatic in the long run, especially for the kids.

Ok, moving here and waiting a year or two to marry puts you at 35 - 36 years old. That's not unreasonable. Now, let's say you wait a couple of years before having another child. This give you both the time to know that you're compatible living together as a couple and that there won't be strife with the kids (ha, like that's a realistic expectation with teens! ;-) ). That seems very reasonable to me. My hubby and I were married for 6 years before we decided the time was right to have children. Yes, we were 28 at that time, but the time together cemented our relationship before bringing a little bundle of stress, um, joy, into our lives.

So, two more years until pregnancy puts you at 37 - 38 years old, your daughter at 19-20 and your son at 12-13. There are slightly greater risks of having a baby with a genetic disease at this age, and your OB would probably want you to undergo amniocentesis, but other than that, lots of women have babies in their late 30's and early, even mid, 40's. Your daughter, in the meantime, will be pretty much grown and doing her own thing (maybe even out of the house and away at college by then) and your son will be at the stage where he'll be trying to identify more with his friends than you, in which case it will almost be like raising an only child. I had a friend who deliberately waited until her son was 12 before having a second child. There was absolute peace in the family -- no sibling rivalry b/n the kids and her son absolutely doted on his baby sister. (He was a great live-in baby sitter for several years, too!)

So, the question comes down to: do you love him? Do you think he loves you? Are you both committed to working at making a relationship work? If so, considering that he's not moving in from the get go which leaves you both options if things don't work out as planned, then why not give it a try?

Good luck to you -- I hope everything works out the way you want it to.

R.

This guy has commitment issues. You need to consider your children first. What is their opinion of this guy? Have you done a background search on this man? Do you REALLY know him? Have you met any of his relatives? If not, THAT is a big RED FLAG! If he tells you he doesn't have ANY relatives, do that background search. You might consider reading Dr Laura's "Ten Stupid THings Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives..." This whole scenario really bothers me.

God bless you girl, this cannot be an easy decision. Think long and hard about what you want, he's clearly stated his side. But what about your heart's desire and how your children fit into your ideal?

As far as age and having a baby - personally I had my first at 43 and it has been fantastic! I have energy and patience and am so appreciative of my blessing. Now I have to think long and hard about rolling the dice at 44 and trying for #2. After 35 our fertility plummets, by 40 it's flatlined! I was sooo fortunate to have a healthy baby after going through two rounds of invitro. It certainly can be done and since you've had children, your odds are much better than someone like me who had never conceived by 40.

If you can, journal about your feelings and how you'd like this to play out if it could go the way you'd like it. Be honest with yourself and then share that with your beau. Maybe once he has a job, he'll feel more confident about moving forward with building a life with you? Be respectful of your desires and make sure you get your heart tended to.

Good luck to you!!! No matter what, you will make the right decision. Being happy is one of the best things you can give your kids!

It is all very romantic. But kids come first. Living together and bringing in yet another child will devastate your current children. they deserve your full attention until they are 18. If you work full time and are a student, what time do they have with you already? And how do you have time to date? I feel sad for them...
they are human beings and have wants and needs which come before your illusion of a perfect family.
I went thru a similar situation, I was very in love and everything seemed perfect. I still think of him, but now that my children are older they appreciate me being there for them and avoiding all the drama, dynamics and change that would have happened if I were to bring another man into their lives.

Why is there a year or two in between for getting married? I always think if he wants to be with you then why isn't he? He's a hedging on his bet that you're the one? Maybe??? He sounds pretty noncommittal and I naturally would have my guard up for this. And your family situation with children at such vulnerable ages, that's scary enough and having a man come into the equation could be disasteruous. But, it worked for me. My husband married me with one child already and then we had our own and now we live happily every after.. most of the time.... Good luck! Just be careful.

are you kidding me go for it ! its just fine a lot of women are having childern latter look at all the stars . i had my son latter and i am a little more wise about how things are done.

My husband and I had a long distance relationship for the first two years. (Texas-California)We did a lot of talking on the phone. Long distance can really be a great way to get to know someone and it can make or break it for you. I finally made the move to CA. when circumstances were right. We then lived together for 2 1/2 years. I understand your fear of waiting too long. We had already agreed children were not in our future as he just had his first grandchild and I was already 40 when we first met. We would have waited a lot longer if I hadn't said it's time and I mean it.
At 33, the prospect of having another child in 2-3 years isn't outrageous, but 7 more years?? There's a huge difference running around after a little one at 35 and at 40. You could do it. Women do, but the question is do you want to, especially after raising two children. What does your heart tell you? You need to discuss this thoroughly together and both be honest with your hopes and fears. If you don't want to start again at 40, he needs to understand and accept that he may miss out on fathering a child if he insists on waiting that long. What is most important to you- another child or another child with him? I would question his commitment to having a child if he wants to put it off for another 7 years. If you are especially interested in having another child, you two need to set some kind of timelines that you both can live with and be prepared to talk further as time goes by. Open communication is the key. Good luck.

You have already received such good advice. Like one of the others, I also had a long distance relationship until after marriage. My husband had full custody of his child and I can understand maybe why your boyfriend wants to move to your town but not live with you until after marriage. As a mom, you don't want to do anything to upset the transition into stepfamily, because it is hard enough already without added pressures. He may have strict guidelines for now about when he wants kids, etc. That may change once he gets to know your kids better. You have to work with the kids you already have before planning on another one together. Pay careful attention and look for signs that your kids may be having trouble with the relationship (the reason I say this is that the teenager may start having acting out behaviors with boys, etc. after your boyfriend moves to town...anything to get your attention.) Just focus primarily on your kids. Then on your romantic relationship. Be sure to take time to know him after he moves to town, instead of rushing into marriage.Let him get to know your extended family as well as you getting to know his. That is also important in a marriage, to be able to get along with each other's family. Before you get married, you need to brainstorm different situations together and come to an understanding of how you would handle them (ex. problems with kids, inlaws, money,cheating, substance use.) You also need to talk about previous relationships, as far as your kid's father and his involvement with them. Ex's can be stressful to deal with also. These are just a few considerations. None of us here can fully understand what you are going through, so use whatever you learn that can be helpful to you. Best of luck to you.

So much can happen in a year--by October 2009, I bet you'll have a much clearer sense of whether you'd even be happy marrying and having kids with your fella. If so, how wonderful! And if not, you'll have avoided cohabitation, birth and divorce with a guy who sounds really great but maybe wasn't great for you... and you'll STILL be a very young woman with a lot to offer. Good luck! I have a great feeling about you, your man, and your kids (current and future)!

Hi M.,
I am 38 and have a 7 month old daughter. I got remarried and started over with my husband. It was the best decision I made and I was very nervous and scared at first. My sons were 21 yrs and 9 yrs when I had my daughter and they are so close with her. I am now pregnant with our 2nd child together and that will be it but I will be 39 when this one is born. It all works out wonderful!! And it has been a blessing for me, my husband and my sons to start over. I had told my husband if we started over I didn't want to have babies after 40 and it has worked out I am just under...so many families now a days are waiting till theie older anyway it definitely isn't out of the norm to start a family later. I hope this helps you a bit, I felt weird having a 21 year old and a newborn but that's how my life worked out and I wouldn't have it any other way:) One thing to be sure of is that he treats your children now the same as is own, my husband treats my 2 sons as ours not mine, to him they are all his kids. I think thats what has helped my children be so accepting of him and our new daughter. Your children have to feel the same love and caring from him as the "together" child does.

Don't be silly........ Sounds like a wonderful time line to me. You still have many years to get pregnant. I got pregnant for the first time when I was 35. My daughter is 17 months old. I plan on having another baby, but not any time soon. We can't afford it right now, and we need to move to another home in 10 months. So I will be close to 40 before my next child. You can't worry about age, you need to be happy and go with the flow. Obviously, he wants a life with you. Sounds like it could be a wonderful life.
Good luck to you!

I had my son at age 40, after having 5 miscarriages before. It was the greatest event of my life, and I was not too old for this. I had the patience, temperment and great husband to be able to give him whatever he needed. He arrived 3 months early and is a special ed kid, attending a brand new program at UCLA for sp ed high functioning people with disabilities. He is 20 now, and I do not regret one minute of the time raising him. He is an achiever, compassionate, sensitive, and gives great massages.Best of luck to you,and don't worry about your age. healthy-communications.com

go for it!! life is just too damn short.............good luck

Um, well you are 33 yrs. old now... and you said according to "the time line he has set...." you will be close to 40 yrs. old by the time HE wants children. Maybe.

Um... that's a lONG time more huh? Anything could happen until then. And until he actually marries you, or makes a commitment other than a "verbal" one.... you need to decide if this "time line" is really something that YOU agree to, too? Or are you just going along with his choice? Shouldn't this be a compatible and fair long-term decision???

You have every right to feel as you do. And he has every right to feel as he does. Now, where does this leave you?

You need to think of a "plan B." You are a single Mom with Kids... and your BF sounds nice that he is moving to your town. But until he actually moves to town, and you both are around each other more... just see the situation with "wise" eyes and thorough thinking.

Not saying he is not genuine or sincere....but, that's 7 years more until you are about 40 yrs. old and by the time HIS time-line says he wants children. I think that's.... expecting a lot for anyone, to put up with.

And living on his own for a year or 2 once he moves to your town... WHY THAT amount of time??? It seems curious that he has such rigid time-lines about "his" plans in life. Had he ever met your children???? Has he ever met your family or Parents??? Has he ever met any of your closest friends yet??? Does anyone know about him???? Do you spend any Holidays or special occasions together? Do you both go out in public together on 'dates' and outings? Has he ever been to your town? Or do you usually have to go to his city?
Does any of HIS friends/family know about you????

There should be conclusive answers to these questions BY NOW... since you have both been "dating" for 1.5 years.
And if not... why? Ask yourself these things.

M.,
Everybody deserves and has a right to be happy. You are no different. I think that your concerns are valid and thinking of your kids is too. But at some point YOU will need to think about your future and who it is you want to be in it-even after your kids have moved out, etc. Think about yourself and don't let anyone sway you from what your heart wants and deserves. BE HAPPY!! Life is too short to worry about what other people think, and simply put: I wouldn't really worry about anyone elses thoughts. This is about YOUR new beginning with a guy who is into you. Hopefully he realizes your children are a part of you and the package deal includes them. Ultimately its your decision to make yourself happy and if this man does that: go for it.
Good luck!

I think it's completely unfair of him to ask you to wait another 7 years for a child. I don't recommend it at 40, but 3 years from now would not be so bad. Tell him you'd like to get married within 2 years and start trying to get pregnant within the first 6 months. I'm 30 and just had my third. I had one at 19 and one at 21, got divorced and remarried a month before my 29th birthday. It really was very different having a baby at 30, much harder on my body. Having 2 older kids is great though. They really love their baby sister. They are 11 and 9 and my youngest is 7 months. it can work, but to have a time line of that long when you are over 30 is not fair. Too many health risks and a much higher risk of downs syndrome. Why is it that he sets the timeline? If he's not in a hurry, maybe you should move on and find someone who already has kids so you will not have to do it again at 40. Good luck!

Dear M.,
I don't think that you have to worry about time line too much. Things probably can't come together for you until he moves close by. (Did he ever live close by or is this relationship based on nice correspondence?)
Whatever the case is, you have no need to feel that time is running out...or that you should ignore your heart if a different good man comes along that you more easily can get to know well ( through his friends and family, etc.)If you are serious about each other, the 2-year ACCESSABLE engagement should be an absolute joy. however,if it isn't possible to see him in action with other people or to get to know him until he "moves in"...beware!

Hi M., i know this is late. it doesn't sound like he is readly to be a husband ir father, right now, so your like is bascially on hold, having babies at and after 40 have risks, and you will be 50before your child would be out of elementry school. It's up to you, but I would tak to your kids and see how they fill and think on this matter. I pray it all works out for you. J. L