Stay at Home dad/Mom Works Outside Home, but Dad Feels He Is Overworked.

counceling is probably the best help you can get. Having a neutral party to help you both see each others sides so that you are not resenting it.

I think that dinner should be ready when you get home. If you can do it, he can do it. You may need to show him how, but it's possible.

as long as you are will to do all the work he will be the way he is .. marraige is a partnership, it dose not mean that the woman is now a slave to do HIS will. you work, and the little ones goes to daycare???????? sounds like hes just lazy. let him give birth and go to work and do all you do... been there and done all that you are doing and it only got worst

I know what you are going through. I was working part time until my husband was laid off (almost 9.5 months ago). I went back to work full time to make ends meet, while he stays home full time with our 20 month old. Total role reversal in our household! First of all, remember that as women, we are natural multi-taskers. We can see the whole picture (from the mounds of dirty laundry to the piles of dishes and meals that need to be made). Men on the other hand truly stuggle with the things that come natural to us. They get overwhelmed with the simplest of tasks. I too found myself resenting my husband because I could work full time and still get all the household chores done. Your husband is blessed that the kids are in daycare AND he gets help from his mother,so that he gets a break. One of the things that really worked for me (as backwards as it sounds)was to tell my husband how much I appreciated what he does. I would tell him how I loved the way he plays with our son or "thank you" for doing A LOAD of laundry (even though it was an effort at times to say it). Little did I know his HUGE need to feel appreciated and respected. The other thing I did (when I was not angry) was to communicate my expectations (without the mothering tone). Maybe you pick a night and take turns cooking. Or just ask little tasks here and there that would help you out. Let your guard down and let him hear your heart. Have a good cry, trust me it helps. I also have an on going dialogue with God. Venting to him helps me filter what I say to my husband! : ) You are doing a wonderful job. I don't think that you hear that enough. Take care of yourself so that you can be the best mother and wife that you can be. Marriage/parenting is hard work. How you handle the situation is truly a test of charachter! The goal is to remain faithful until the end. You will come out a better woman for it! The more mature person gets to make the first move! LOL And it sounds like you are it! You are in my prayers S.! Keep us posted! :) Sorry so long!

Oh, I just want to wrap you in a blanket and make you some tea. You have the whole world on your shoulders. You didn't mention the specifics of your husband's disability, but I assume you wouldn't be posting this unless he were capable of doing more. Is he working on the house? Taking care of his children for the hours you described is not, of course, an unreasonable burden. Making dinner shouldn't be either, esp since you are doing housework & laundry & working full time. Sounds to me that he is used to having his mother do everything for him, and now you're the bad wife for not being his mommy, too.
You might want to write some things out, just let your feelings flow, and after a week or so collect your thoughts and ideas and present them, calmly. Have a clear vision of what you think will and won't work. What is he capable of with his disability? Can you plan make-ahead meals together and make them on weekends, together, for example. It sounds like you have 3 dependents... and if you don't take care of your needs you will collapse under the weight of the blame and accusations, despite your heroic efforts.
As far as his mother being in the middle of this, that is a minefield. Sounds toxic to me, and he sounds like he is putty in her hands. Help should be given freely, without strings attached. I get the feeling that everything she does is hung around your neck like an albatross. I hope I'm wrong about that. Best wishes to you, superwoman.

In addition to the great responses you've already recieved, I'd like to ask a few questions...

Following your closely timed births at a mature child-bearing age, have you practiced good self-care? Have you attempted to replace with nutrition and supplements what your body lost during pregnancy and lactation?

Have you attempted to keep a similar lifestyle you lived before the children or just added to the pile accumulated while childless?

Just a fixer upper house alone is exhausting, then add career, kids, big dogs and disabled spouse... wow, you need to become a master prioritizer.

Have a one on one with your husband and tell him that you must revise the household roster. Include in the new schedule, time for yourself and time for a weekly one on one time with each of the precious people in your life - including him.

Anger (resentment) is energy that wants to change something... let it be toward a more streamlined lifestyle, a more authentic communication and increased appreciation.

If he was the one working outside the home he would expect you to do the cooking and such, so if he is the one staying home then he should be the one doing the majority of the cooking and cleaning. I am a stay at home mom, and all though my husband is very helpful, part of my job as a stay at home parent is keeping the house neat and cooking most of the meals. This is not the job of the woman just because she is a woman! Your husband is doing the job woman have been doing for years, and is realizing how thankless it can be, but if he wants to be a stay at home then he needs to do his part fully, and not expect you to work all day and then come home and work all night catering to him.

S.,
First, I'm proud of you for the work you do, your strength in leading your family, and your dedication to supporting your husband and children. That's a huge committment and not everyone handles it with grace. By asking for help, you are showing that you care about your family and what happens within your "money pit of a fixer-upper home."
Second, I have a suggestion. Start a journal or a log book for both you and your husband. Keep track of what each of you do for the family for two weeks. Then, with respect and love, sit down and compare notes. No name calling, passing blame, or accusations. Remember that this is about peace and harmony for both of you.
Repeatedly tell your husband how much you appreciate his contributions, that you love him and the children, that you are seeking a positive solution for all of you. Men need to hear these things out loud from us.
As you compare notes, decide together what tasks are important enough to be done. Remove the rest of those tasks from your lives with the idea that they are hurting your family. Put the tasks that must be done on a list or a chart.
Work together to find a more equal division of labor, keeping in mind each person's gifts and abilities.

As you go through this process, Stay on Topic. It sounds like you have other issues to discuss, too, but save those for another time. Don't bring his mother into the discussion. That's a surefire way to start a fight! When it's time to address those other issues, get help then, too. We're here for you!

If you keep your cool and treat your husband with the deepest most heartfelt respect and love, hopefully he will respond in kind. If he doesn't, keep trying. Love, trust, and PATIENCE are what it takes to make a marriage work.
Let me know how it goes!
Namaste
~H.

How disabled is your husband? He should understand that coming home to a dirty, messy home overwhelms you too, especially after a stressful day at work. If his mom really wants to come over and help, make a chore list for HER to accomplish - cleaning toilets, picking up toys, vacuuming, laundry, and maybe preparing a casserole that you can pop in the oven when you get home, etc. Otherwise his mom is helping him, but not helping YOU, and building up resentment between the two of you. Maybe you can afford a housekeeper to do cleaning so you are free to cook and spend time with your girls when you get home. There are many food prep things your husband could do, even if disabled, so you could have time to spend with your girls after being gone from them all day.

This shouldn't be an adverserial thing about making you into a bad mother if you don't have energy for housework and cooking when you get home, or him being a bad father if he can't manage it while disabled.

Let's just say that multi-tasking is not a man's forte. We had some friends that ended up in this role reversing situation for 3 years, which they both discovered is not natural for either. God designed both of us for different purposes. It was very hard on them, but for the most part he bucked up and did most of the household things. All I know is that since most men can't multi-task well at all, what my husband needs from me is a list so he can focus on one thing at a time and be able to check it off in order to see productivity/accomplishment. Maybe a specific list for each day would help, and your husband might do better knowing what is expected of him in order to make your home life work better. Remember, this is not a natural position for him and never will be...that is not how God designed him, but given your sitauation he MUST have more of a "buck-up" attitude if you have any hopes of this working at all. I saw what our friends went through and I feel for you.....Good luck!

And you're tired???? Sweetheart - where is your SuperMom cape??? ( yes, I'm being saracastic) Unless the nature of your husbands' disability is crushing and progressive- he is one lucky duck and you can quote me on that. Having said that- your long term goal is likely to make this marriage WORK and thrive and be happy- so perhaps you will need to put that a WEEEEEEE bit more softly. Ok, one or 2 suggestions. Make a calendar that shows 3 colors - time that is spent working by your husband - time that you spend working outside the home, and time that you spend working AT home - and show him the disparity. It is clear that you are working 80 or more hours a week- AND that you are being outvoted regarding how much time your mother in law has to care for your children.

Does he need all this respite care because he's building things in the house and needs the kids safely watched while he works??? If not- I have a feeling someone is wanting to live like a member of royalty ( which we all do ) BUT you don't need to be Cinderella -- don't do it, sweetheart-- you DO NOT want to be a gray, bent, sad Cinderella some day.

Blessings,
Old Mom
aka- J.

I understand you've got a lot on your plate. But the fact is he's on disability for a reason. And what a healthy stay-at-home parent should be able to manage is not necessarily within his abilities.

Being a stay-at-home parent is a LOT of work. As someone who's done both the SAHM thing and worked full-time outside the home, I've always thought the SAHM thing was harder even though my husband would come home from his day at the office and cook dinner most evenings. I was always burnt out by the end of the day.

You don't mention what kind of disability your husband has. But if it's severe enough that he qualified either for SSDI or longterm disability insurance coverage, then at least a couple doctors thought he was unable to hold a job, which means he's probably honestly not able to be the primary caretaker.

Really, if he's capable of being a SAHD and homemaker and doing all the things you think he should be, then he probably shouldn't really be on disability because someone who can care for two young kids, do the housework, the meal preparation and cleanup, and all that, COULD be earning an income at a daycare if nothing else.

If you hadn't mentioned he was on disability, I'd agree with you 100 percent that he should pitch in more and is just being lazy. (Ok, those weren't your words, but it's the interpretation I came away with.)

If he has disability income, perhaps some of it should be spent on a housecleaner to come in once a week or so. Or maybe you could try to accept that while the kids are this young and need so much time and attention that the cleanliness standards for the house won't live up to your normal standards. And that's ok.

For dinners, what my family does is cook large batches of food a couple times a week and eat leftovers the rest of the week. If you need more variety, you could still try cooking larger batches and freezing a meal or two for the following weeks. A week or two of doing that, and you could back down to cooking two or three times a week and eating the food from your freezer the other nights, as long as you replenish your freezer meals on the nights you do cook.

Hi, You did not mention what your husbands disability is so there is no way to gauge whether or not he is too "overworked" or not. However I highly doubt he is overworked. First and foremost he has no right to call himself a stay at home dad, he isn't doing the things that a stay at home mom does. It sounds like he is a lazy lay about husband. If your children are in daycare and he isn't doing the housework or cooking what is he but a big overgrown parasite. Your version of a stay at home dad is giving real stay at home mom's and dads a bad reputation. Stay at home mom's and dads care for their children. They do the laundry housework and cook. (I suppose if they can afford it they have a cleaning lady). It seems like your husband doesn't want to care for the children or the house. I have no advice for you other than open your eyes your husband is lazy (unless his disability truly prevents him from caring for your kids) either way he has no right to be asking you to bring home the bacon and cook it too. Soundslike you would be better off without him! What a terrible example he is setting for your kids.

I am amazed at your husband. Is he not well? I am a full time SAHM. I cook, I clean, I do the laundry... my husband works outside the home making the salary needed so that I can do all those things and not have to work outside the home. I know there are a few stay at home dad websites maybe you could hook him up with those so that he can look around and see how hard other SAHD's are working.
I work hard. I wake up each day by 6am, and don't really get a break at all until 7:30pm once the kids are in bed. Being a SAHM is not all bon bons and oprah. If you are the full bread winner then you deserve to take it a bit easy at night... or at the very least you guys need to come up with some sort of system where you divide equally the laundry and the cooking at night so that both of you get some rest.

Raising a family with young children in it is hard work on all parties, and I don't think your husband should be telling you that you aren't working hard enough when he doesn't seem to be working that hard either...

Good luck,
T.

This is such an eternal issue, I can tell you! I'm going to stick up for your husband because I have been a stay at home parent, and if you haven't been it's hard to understand what, exactly, is so exhausting about it. With 2 kids under 2, you know that they are in a very intensive stage. When you are a stay at home parent you are constantly having your concentration broken, constantly on call. It can be difficult just to go to the bathroom. When my husband gets home at the very reasonable hour of 5 pm, I am soooo ready for him. My energy and creativity is gone. It's a break for me to make dinner in (relative) piece, while he plays with them.

So you are working long hours and your husband is too. And guys are often not that good about doing housework, are they? I'm going to take your word that he is not pulling his weight on that count. Anyway, the result is that you are both overwhelmed and overworked and you need to figure out what can be let go (as far as housework) and what can reasonably be taken on by him.

I think you should both write a "job description"--not to one-up the other one, but to each gain an appreciation for what the other one is doing. Be nice to each other. Then look at the lists and see if they are balanced. If not, come up with a split that seems equitable and see if you can stick to it.

Hang in there. This time in your kids lives is just an exhausting time.

I too have a full time job 40 hrs a week and a disabled husband. He has become more and more crippled with extreme arthritis through about 95% of his body. So I am right there with you. Although he has the help of my son/his step son after school. He still changes, feeds, bathes, and plays with our 1 year old with no help the first part of the day. He also does some cleaning and every night but a few here there he has dinner ready for all of us. I don't know what kind of disability your husband has. But I think if you are able to leave him home with them I assume he is not totally disabled? I also think disabled or not we have to do even share of the work when we are mothers and fathers. Just like stay home moms the stay home dads need to have their feelings,opinions, etc., validated. Some people might find this funny or not needed. But my husband and I thank each other everyday for the tiniest things we do. Rather it be cooking, cleaning,laundry, etc. because although it is both our jobs its nice to be appreciated. I don't know what to say about the M.I.L especially if you two have issues. Except whats the real problem? her helping or you not wanting her to because of your issues with her clouding you opinion? But only you and your husband know what both of yours abilities are. Maybe you two should make a list of things he is able to do and can do during the day, things you can wait to do on weekends, and things you can do together. AND THIS IS A HARSH REMINDER FOR BOTH OF YOU AND ALL MOTHERS AND FATHERS A-LIKE WE ARE ALL OVER-WORKED/OVERWHELMED! Sometimes that is part of parenting and even more so in these tough economic times. BUT REMEMBER TO KEEP HOLDING EACH OTHER UP AND YOUR HEADS UP HIGH. BECAUSE IF YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND LOVE EACH OTHER AS MUCH AS WE DO! YOU ARE EACH OTHERS BACK BONE.I hope you both the best of luck !!!

Your husband definitely needs a reality check. I have a bunch of women friends who are stay at home moms and they all do the laundry, cook, clean for their husbands who are working full time. When my husband comes home, he takes over looking after our little one so that I can get a few things done and a break. This is also his quality time with his son. He also does some cooking and cleaning now and again, but definitely not the majority!! I would love to have my mom over to help out most days, but she's 3,000 miles away... and his mother lives in Europe. When do you get to just spend time with your children??

Sadly, it sounds like you are are effectively a single parent. How "disabled" is your husband? Is he capable of caring for your daughters? Does he have issues with mental illness that prevent him for caring for them or is he just unwilling to "share his part of the load". How effective is he parenting your daughters? If you have issues with his mother, what are they? Is she a bad influence on your children? From just your brief discription, it sounds like this whole situation is very lopsided and it is no wonder that you are burning out. You definitely need more help.

I have never been in this situation but we did have a year where both of us worked and "shuffled" the childcare of one child. It didn't work at all. Both of us were exhausted and constantly fighting over who would do what. I was not doing my paying job as a teacher or parenting well. At the end of this year, I leveled with my husband. ONE of us had to take primary responsibility for the home and family and one had to concentrate on supporting us. I was willing to be the "working parent" but then I would insist on moving back to Minnesota where teaching is a liveable wage job so I could support my family while he took care of them. If he wanted to be the "working parent" then I would have to stay at home to mind the fort. Without that arrangement, we were headed for a divorce, and there would be NO more children. Since he wanted to stay in WA and his job pays more than teaching, we decided that HE would be the working parent and I would be the stay at home parent to make the situation fair and equal. That was four years ago and it has worked more or less well. I have a nine year old and four year old daughters and we homeschool.

If your husband is not severely ill, you need a timeline to make the situation more fair, or you might decide that it would be easier to live without him. You would still have this amount of hard work, but you wouldn't be fighting with him, cooking for him, or doing any of the extra work associated with sharing a household with him. YOU are the one who is severely overworked.

Good Luck!

H.

Unless your husband's disability makes him physically or mentally unable to care for your (his) children there is no reason that you need to pay for day care. You can't do it all and he needs to step and start helping to take care of his family.

My husband works from about 2 or 3 in the afternoon and gets home around 1 in the morning. I am up early to go be at work by 7:30. He gets up around 7:00 to make sure that our mid-high daughter gets off to school and then takes care of our 4 year old son until I get home from work. Our house is often messy but he vacuums now and then when he get the train tracks off the floor. I might come home to a few piles of laundry on the couch waiting to be folded but at least he has washed them. More often than not I come to something cooking in the crock pot so all I have to do is make the salad.

You can make it work. But he has to want to make it work. You are going to make yourself sick if you keep up the schedule you are currently on. You can't do it all and eventually you won't be able to do it all. If you can't get through to him try counseling. Many work places offer an employee assistance program where you can get counseling at very little or no cost. Check with your HR department.
Good Luck!!

My first question is what is the nature of his disability? If he was a completely healthy, able-bodied individual, I would give him a kick in the rear (figuratively speaking) and tell him that his lazy behind needed to contribute more to the running of his home. BUT, people with disabilities are not necessarily able to do everything an able-bodied person can do . . . and even if they are physically capable of doing the tasks it often takes much more energy.

(I'm speaking from personal experience on this one. I have a neurological disorder and have weakness, pain, and fatigue. I can do pretty much any task - but I do them more slowly and have to space my chores out throughout the day.)

I am a SAHM. If I was completely healthy, I would absolutely believe that my responsibilities would include almost all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, caring for our twin two year olds and five year old, etc. BUT, I physically can't do all of this very well and my hubby works a lot (and isn't too interested in housework). So, I have a cleaning service who comes in twice a week to clean my house - especially my kitchen and bathrooms. My husband helps with the laundry and is great about letting me get some extra sleep. I usually do the cooking - but I love to cook so this isn't a hardship. But on bad days, my husband is happy to grill some steaks or make a pasta dish, etc. He'll also do the grocery shopping for me.

Basically, I've learned that I need to tell him what I can and can't do - and he's been absolutely outstanding about pitching in where I need him . . . or being supportive of hiring some extra help!

I'd tell your husband that taking care of the kids and house while you are at your job is now HIS job. I know I had a hard time being at home because it wasn't as structured as work but if he could look at it like a job, set a schedule etc it might help. Also try writing an actual list of your jobs at home and his. Then maybe he'll see he needs to do more. I'd also tell him that having his mother do so much is screwing up YOUR family life because she is too involved. Make him write the list of what he thinks he should get done during the day.

Two children under two has got to be tough to get through and tough on a marriage as well. You both need to work to an agreement of what is important to your family and what you can let go of. Maybe that means accepting he isnt willing to pull his weight and paying a nanny for help or maybe its you going to part time and taking the money hit so he can relax. See my point. :) Figure out how to get him motivated without blame.

S.,

I am sorry for your frustration. I can understand where you are coming from. I too work out of the home at a full time job, but so does my husband. I work 9-4:30 so I leave the house at 8:30 and get home at 5. My husband leaves at 8 and gets home at 6. We have just one son who is 2.
I agree with you that if you were home you wouldn't expect him to come home and make dinner and do what you do.
My husband and I have talked and came up with things that he does every night to help me out. He give our son his bath and he picks up the toys and the living room. While I make dinner, clean up dinner and put our son bed.
Maybe your husband can cook 3 nights a week or every other night. I would try and talk to him and compromise. Good luck I know it's a hard thing to deal with.

Go to counseling and get help to work it out. It appears that it is not working out with you and your husband discussing it. My hubby and I needed a counselor to help us work out the issue of the housework/childcare work. It is amazing how much help the counselor was.

I too had to return to work when my husband's field all but died this past year. Now he's home with the girls while I work full time. We pick what's most important to each of us and that's how we divide things. He loves cooking, I don't. So even when he worked full time, he did most of the cooking. I like doing laundry and "know where all the toys go", so those are my chores. He's very happy to be with his girls more since he used to work 80 hours a week. He knows what it's like to not see them, so he loves the time he gets now. I say it depends on how disabled your husband is. You know very well how much work it is, and if my mother could have helped me I would have let her, often! And men are not multitaskers like we are. It is harder for them. But with your daughter in daycare, he's getting plenty of a break, in my opinion!

I'm not sure what kind of disability your husband has, so I won't be too harsh! Maybe he's missing all his appendages? Anyway, I think he sounds like a spoiled mama's boy? His mother comes over and helps with him? And watches the girls? AND he's overwhelmed? OK, I'm not real sympathetic here. That said...your question was how to deal? Well, when I went to work my husband and I just stuck to my guns until he helped 50/50 or maybe it's only 30/70 but we BOTH work. I'm the 70 LOL. Anyway, I don't understand why he thinks YOU'RE terrible. He's the one that is unreasonable here. Tell him you think it's terrible that HE doesn't want to be productive and cook for his wife who could have chosen to stay home and live off his disability check. Like I said, I don't know his disabilty and I'd feel horrible if he has no limbs and I said all this. But, if it's just his back, or he can walk and perform other eh hem duties" without problems, well then....now He's cookin! seriously though I'd ignore him, don't let it get to you and I'd keep puttin my foot down till he's helping out, or I'd be quitin my job and collecting his check...cooking cleaning, and packing mother in law off with her mama's boy...here ya go! sorry if this is harsh...don't really want him leaving...just putting a bit of humor? in here?

I think it depends on what he is doing during the time that your daughters are in daycare. Is he using most of that time to do something productive that contributes to the family? If not then he should be using some of that time to do things that would help balance the household workload.

Boy, I feel for all of you. I have a 2.3yr old son and I quit my career to stay home. It's really hard some days with teething, growing pains, house work and errands. My husband and I had this talk too. We don't have a babysitter, daycare or family near us. I would ask more of your MIL by having her not help him but help you both by giving you both time for a date night, make a casserole for you, or whatever. It helped my husband & I remember how connected we both are and how much we want to get into a good routine. With little ones the routines shift and men have a harder time with change. I bet you're still reeling from dealing with his disability and the fact your baby was premature. This would cause me some resentment that could be overcome with some time together to relate. I organized toys by tubs, wagons, shoe boxes, etc. So, we could bring out one thing at a time and then put it back when they lose interest. I taught myself to pick up the toys right before my husband came home (otherwise I picked up toys 20 times)and focus on other chores first thing in the morning. He could throw a load in the laundry and do a load of dishes while the children are eating breakfast. Then offer him some supplies to make it easier. Some new coloring books and different washable markers, paints, puzzles or remind him by providing a list of activities and he can choose the ones he feels up to. Build a fort, have a tea party, go to a jumping gym or a park. Make sure you each try to get 3 hours a week for a hobby, alone time or time with a friend. I don't always make time for myself but we have to start somewhere. Even 10 minutes twice a day would be good. Maybe have him start a list of repairs or manly things that need to be done every time a child goes to daycare. Finish 2 sections of drywall, change the burnt out bulb on the truck, pay the bills, etc. Men need to hear they are appreciated and women to be heard or maybe even understood. Remind him in a caring way that to treat life like a dance and embrace the challenges as a way to grow not to treat life like fighting a war. Enjoy the journey. In order to save money we, started unplugging or turning everything off at night= $40. Change all bulbs to fluorescent=$30. No more cable= $40, etc. We go camping when we can. We go to friend's houses for dinner or have a potluck or BBQ. This allows our son some time with his friends and he can play freely while we play tag your it for who will keep an eye on him next. Be caring to each other and feel free to start over with a sentence or how a conversation is going we all need practice with empathy. Sometimes it's easier to take it out on our loved ones because we know they won't reject us. Go easier on yourself. Take a day off and have him take them to the zoo or go with. Have fun and good luck it does get better.

I hear you! It's always a balance issue. Even if you stay at home full-time, you will go through times when you feel as if you are doing everything. I am a work at home mom. My husband watches our kids 50% of the days they are here and he gets overwhelmed at times too. I get frustrated when I feel as if I'm doing so much more of the upkeep around the house and with the kids. He does his share, but he doesn't feel the need to clean, do the laundry, care for our dog, maintain records for the kids, keep the schedule, pay attention to school functions, etc. That is all on my plate. I have to say, it's very hard at times, but much as I feel that way, I also remember being a stay at home mom who didn't work. TALK ABOUT A CHALLENGE. When I was a stay at home mom exclusively, I was always 'on'. I was lucky if I got to have a quiet mind for 30min a day when the kids napped, if they napped at the same time. I was lucky if I could get the house cleaned with them not messing it up right behind me. I was lucky if I could maintain my patience and sanity throughout the day. I realize that being a work at home mom adds to the list of 'to-do' items, but being a stay at home mom was so much more taxing for me. I think your kids are so little. You husband is tired, you are tired. Yes, he needs to step up and do as much as he can, but it's such a challenge being needed like that, by such little children. Maybe he can do more of the smaller household chores like shopping, cooking, light cleaning, while his mother is helping with the kids. Maybe a routine will help him. It sure helps my husband. I can't believe how much my husband has stepped up to the plate since I went back to work, but of course I have days when I think I'm going to drop from the pressure of everything. That's when I try to slow down and realize you can simplify and survive.

I really believe that you are in a type of survival mode for the first three years of a child's life. It's not bad, but you really can't get much more done beyond the essentials. You have a lot more time when they can start playing together and playing by themselves. You are in the thick of it and need to find ways to give yourself and your husband a break. Speaking of break, on his two days off, maybe he needs to clean and cook. I think that should be a requirement if he's open to it. Those are the days when he needs to recharge, but also be as productive as he can so he's ready for the days with the kids. I feel your pain and know you will be fine with patience for yourself, simplifying and not trying to do it all, and time. Enjoy your babies and concentrate on them when they are small. You'll get your sanity back soon. :)

My experience is the more you work, the less your husband appreciates it (mine used to complain a LOT). So run your house in a way that helps and de-stresses YOU, not him. You didn't mention what his disability was. Does he have an autoimmune disorder such as Chronic Fatigue where is can only do the minimum?

You need to work out a solution with him, and organize the day between what he can do and what he can't do physically. Get a maid if you have to to clean house. Maybe disability will provide househelp.

Find easy meals to prep in the mornings in the crock pot that are easy for him to plug in at certain times so they are done in the evening when you get home. Let him run the vacuum on certain days if he is able. If he has a disability, that may keep him from helping in ways that HE wants to do. Figure out how to work around it. I had Chronic Fatigue for 12 years. I got out of it with Essiac Tea and lots of naturopathic help. I could only do a bit of housework at a time after work. I would put my son to bed, then right afterwards myself to bed. I hung on to my job by the skin of my teeth!

Things got done but the house was only clean one area at a time. I had to live with that until I got better.

If I were you I would NOT increase my stress by bringing in help that increases my stress such as the mother in law you were describing. Only bring in help that DECREASES your stress. Make sure you take time just to rest during the week - with nothing going on, whether the house is clean or not. You may have to get out for walks to make that happen.

It's a guy thing, one that unfortunately is re-enforced by his mother's presence during the day. Pity for her poor boy who has to care of his kids, that's woman's work, let Momma help you. UGH!!!! You need to pull out the checkbook, set him down to the table and have a heart to heart talk, serving reality sandwiches. If you didn't work, this is where you would be..... Show him the number of hours you spend getting to work, working, getting home and then what you do when you get home. Ask him to break down his day. What does he do when the kids are at daycare/pre-school. Does he have a chore list. Just how often is his Momma coming to bail him out? He can choose, either you stay at home full-time taking care of husband, kids and house and he finds a job that can accomodate his disability or you live off of what disability pay he has. Now if his Momma doesn't like this, as I can well imagine that Momma is putting alot of this in his mouth to repeat, then send your bills to Momma to pay so you both can stay can stay home and play house. Before that you might want to have a mom to mom talk with your MIL. Tell her she's not doing her grandchildren any good by encouraging her son to not do his part at home while you're working to support the family. I wish you well. Keep us posted. Dad hasn't grown up yet.