Stay at Home Moms with Working Hubbies

While he is at work my job is taking care of/raising/teaching the kiddos which is a full time job. So, my SO helps do everything you have listed above. We both pull double duty ...

I stayed at homes for years. I took care of most of the household stuff, but would ask him to do jobs when I needed him to. It really depended what shift he was working and when he was home. If I needed him to take out the trash or bathe a kid I asked him to. Usually if he is eating a meal at home I will cook and he clears the table. He does most of the shoveling. He does most of the "heavy" work. Lifting, moving dirt, maintenance, repairs and renovations. I cook, clean, do child care and manage the schedule. Even now that I work we divide it about the same, I just assign him more jobs. The kids also do many of those jobs now too.

We have 3 kids, so there is always something to do. Hubby will help with dinner (cooking, clean-up), bath/shower time, takes out trash, laundry, vacuuming, mows the lawn, etc. The only thing he really doesn't do is clean bathrooms. Working outside the house does not absolve you from housework in my house!

My husband was on the road a lot, worked very hard to provide well for our family and never sat idle. He was always working on something around our home with special projects to basic lawn upkeep and inside chores.

We worked together as a team and didn't split up any chores. If you saw something that needed done, you do it. No tit for tat or keeping score. If anything, my husband outworked me and made sure we were always happy.

He saved us a ton of $$ by doing things himself that he took pride in doing vs hiring it out.

I appreciate everything he did because now that I am widowed since 10/15, I have to pay for all the little things my husband did without once complaining.

Thankfully, he was a good communicator and left me more knowledgable with the projects he had going on so I can finish them.

My husband is the one employed outside the home. It's his hard work and salary which we rely on. I am currently homeschooling our son. I'm aware of my role as a support person for him and as a primary caregiver/teacher for our son and love both roles.

I think we have a good division of labor. I do a lot of the 'daytime' things (meal planning, frequent trips to the store during the week because I like fresher items, dishes, laundry/folding laundry, floors, pet care for the cats, plus teaching, gardening and such.) He usually comes home after dark so Kiddo and I take out the trash and recycling. In short, I like to have most of the chores done before he comes home so he can just relax.

We have a routine where we take turns with bedtime/dishes-kitchen cleanup. Whoever does the bedtime guides Kiddo through the evening; the other takes care of kitchen duties after dinner. He often stays up later than I do and will move laundry from the washer to the dryer if necessary. And he likes to do a 'staples' grocery run on the weekends, so my weekday trips are lighter to carry home.Plus he steps in with our son; he's the Den Leader for Kiddo's cub scout group and does some duties pertinent to his other responsibilities he's taken on there.

Because his schedule is currently pretty demanding, I let go of expectations. Some nights he just can't help with bedtime or dishes, so I do both. No big deal. He works very hard for us and I'm so grateful for the help he does give without complaint. There are times I have to do all the home 'work', as it were, and I know that the demands on him at work are significant. I guess, for us, it is about respecting and appreciating each other, knowing our limits and knowing what to let go of. I don't expect him to clean house after a hard day at work. If he's had an especially trying day I might just step in and give him some extra help. He has to deal with a few very unreasonable people at work and I'm happy to make home a place of respite for him. I don't keep track of what he did/I did. And he does do the bathroom cleanup during the weekend if I haven't gotten to it during the week. He's a pretty great guy. As for Kiddo's cleanup-- I do that. I have 'the logic' for it, as they say, am more patient, and know what best works with Kiddo. We all have our skills and I couldn't possibly do what my husband does all day!

In addition to paying all of our bills, including funding both of our retirements and paying for three kids to go to college, he handled house repairs (unless we needed a pro) and did some yard work.
I did all the shopping, cooking, daily cleaning, pet care and kid stuff, including getting them to/from school, activities and appointments, bath, stories and bed (unless I was out at an evening meeting or activity, then he would put the kids to bed.)
When the kids were babies/toddlers (before we had money for a regular sitter) my husband stayed with the kids a few times a week so I could get out of the house and just have a BREAK. I would meet a girlfriend for coffee and a walk on Saturday mornings, and would go to the gym or just go grocery shopping on my own a few nights a week.
He got his down time playing golf on Sunday mornings and going to the gym a few times a week.
Even though we are divorced now, those years were good, we maintained a nice balance which is so important. Our relationship simply had other issues that we couldn't resolve :-(

When I was a SAHM, the house was my job and I did all things relating to it except mow (unless the weather was being really weird and the only good time to mow was during the weekday for some reason). I tried to have everything done by the time he got home each night, including dinner made. After he arrived home, all remaining chores were divided - we both worked hard all day at our respective jobs so the evening load was shared. Basically that just meant dishes and baths since I took care of all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, trash during the day. If I needed a break from the kids, he would give me one, but I usually reserved it for after the kids bedtimes if I could.

We raised 6 kids, 2 with special needs, and I never looked like these exhausted mom's on TV or around town going to their errands at the post office in their lounging pants and uncombed hair. Raising kids and keeping up with the house is a job, not a Sisyphean task.

I do everything at home. We have a 2 and a 7 month old. It's hard work!! My husband works hard at his job, and on weekends we give each other time to themselves. During the week I try to have as much done as I can so my husband can have quality time with the kids after work. But, for the time being, my standards are lower than they used to be. Some days I can't manage it all, and we get takeout or the laundry isn't folded.

On occasion I do ask my husband to pitch in more. Along the lines of rinsing dishes or taking trash out or putting laundry in the hamper..things he should be doing anyway, with or without kids.

We didn't consider it "helping" with the kids or the dishes - we considered it parenting and housework. He got "credit" for working from the start of his commute until the time he walked in the door at night, and I got "credit" for child care and house duties during those same hours. Everything else, we split 50/50.

We took all the jobs and divided them by several criteria. But just because something was "my" job at 10 AM didn't mean that it was "my" job at 6 AM or on Saturdays.

So, first we took the stuff that the other hates with a passion. So, for example, my husband HATES the lawn. I kind of liked it, because the noise of the mower drowns out the phone and a screaming kid - so I do that. I absolutely HATE laundry if it contains sweaty running clothes, so he does that, and he throws in whatever else needs to be done (he's much better at remembering things like towels and sheets). Exception is my lingerie which I do on "delicate" and line dry, so usually I do that, but if he goes to the washer and it's sitting there clean, then he hangs up my bras and panties without one grimace or gripe. We both hate cleaning bathrooms, so we each are in charge of one of them.

I do the "big" food shopping and major cooking, he does the "fill in" trips when we're low on something, the reheating of leftovers. I do the holiday meals, he does the holiday dishes. Dishes are done by the person who doesn't cook. To empty the dishwasher, more often than not, we each stand on one side of it and we unload and put away what's on our side of the kitchen. We have a good system - if he hands me a pan, it's because I'm on the side where the cabinet is for pans, not because he won't put it away or because he thinks it's "my" job.

Beds are made by the last person in them in the morning. Or we don't make the bed - we've survived without that being done every day! Recycling/trash are done by the person who's there when the thing is full. I tend to put the stuff out at the street on pick up day because I remember what day that is, but he brings in the empty containers.

I take the dog out in the morning, he does it at night. We divided things like bath time and reading/bedtime - we felt it was essential that kids understand both parents do all of these things, and then it was never a problem if someone was out for the evening or just wiped out and "not in the mood"! We split the home repairs - I do most of them, but he will do stuff that's too complicated for me (his dad was really handy), requires a tall person, or of course what requires two people. Cleaning - usually we do it together especially if company is coming: one dusts, one vacuums (usually he vacuums).

It just works out because we respect the jobs and the person who does them. Our son has grown up to be a dishwashing, laundry-doing, housecleaning person.

Updated

We didn't consider it "helping" with the kids or the dishes - we considered it parenting and housework. He got "credit" for working from the start of his commute until the time he walked in the door at night, and I got "credit" for child care and house duties during those same hours. Everything else, we split 50/50.

We took all the jobs and divided them by several criteria. But just because something was "my" job at 10 AM didn't mean that it was "my" job at 6 AM or on Saturdays.

So, first we took the stuff that the other hates with a passion. So, for example, my husband HATES the lawn. I kind of liked it, because the noise of the mower drowns out the phone and a screaming kid - so I do that. I absolutely HATE laundry if it contains sweaty running clothes, so he does that, and he throws in whatever else needs to be done (he's much better at remembering things like towels and sheets). Exception is my lingerie which I do on "delicate" and line dry, so usually I do that, but if he goes to the washer and it's sitting there clean, then he hangs up my bras and panties without one grimace or gripe. We both hate cleaning bathrooms, so we each are in charge of one of them.

I do the "big" food shopping and major cooking, he does the "fill in" trips when we're low on something, the reheating of leftovers. I do the holiday meals, he does the holiday dishes. Dishes are done by the person who doesn't cook. To empty the dishwasher, more often than not, we each stand on one side of it and we unload and put away what's on our side of the kitchen. We have a good system - if he hands me a pan, it's because I'm on the side where the cabinet is for pans, not because he won't put it away or because he thinks it's "my" job.

Beds are made by the last person in them in the morning. Or we don't make the bed - we've survived without that being done every day! Recycling/trash are done by the person who's there when the thing is full. I tend to put the stuff out at the street on pick up day because I remember what day that is, but he brings in the empty containers.

I take the dog out in the morning, he does it at night. We divided things like bath time and reading/bedtime - we felt it was essential that kids understand both parents do all of these things, and then it was never a problem if someone was out for the evening or just wiped out and "not in the mood"! We split the home repairs - I do most of them, but he will do stuff that's too complicated for me (his dad was really handy), requires a tall person, or of course what requires two people. Cleaning - usually we do it together especially if company is coming: one dusts, one vacuums (usually he vacuums).

It just works out because we respect the jobs and the person who does them. Our son has grown up to be a dishwashing, laundry-doing, housecleaning person.

My husband and I both try to do what needs to be done. There are some jobs that are mostly done by the same person. I get the kids to school. I also do the laundry and most of the dishes. He takes care of home maintenance. If something needs to be fixed, he takes care of it. He handles most of the outside responsibilities (though I do mow the lawn). He takes out the trash. But for the most part, whoever can do it, does it. Whoever can get dinner ready, takes care of that. Whoever has time to pick up the living room and vacuum, does it.

There are times when one of us feels like the other isn't pulling their weight. We try to remind ourselves that we don't always see everything that the other person is doing and that it's really important to assume the best of each other. Doesn't always work, and we've been known to argue when one of us feels like he/she is carrying more of the load. But that works better for us.

I am blessed to have a very hardworking husband. He is in sales with the same company for 16 years and works at least 14 hours each day.

That being said, he still does a lot at the house. Now that the kids are older though, they do more than they used to.

The kids are 16 and 13 and rotate the following chores each week: load/unload dishwasher, trash, vacuum, clean 2 bathrooms of the 3, wash and put away their own laundry and keep their rooms cleaned.

My husband washes and puts away both our clothes. He’s done this for the last almost 9 years we have been together. We hire landscapers for the front and back yard. He is the one who generally keeps on top of things that needs to be done. Like if something was left out, he’s the one that will usually put it away, right away. Or I will do it eventually. =0)

I do all the shopping and cooking and generally keep things clean as the kids do an ok job, but not great. So I kind of float around and keep up on everything and what I miss my husband will do it without being asked.

I am fully aware of how blessed I am because my ex-husband did ZERO. Hence, the ex part. lol

So, I work and my hubby stays home with the kids. He does almost all the household cleaning, cooking, picking up, taking kids to school, picking up one, and sometimes the other depending on when I get off. I work as a substitute teacher, so we rarely know what my schedule will be.

But, I am the "Mom" that the kids want all the time. I am the security person, the go to person, and the one they rely on for most everything.

I do very little around the house, because I have kids on top of my from the moment I walk in the door until I put them in bed. I do all social events, all the scheduling for doctors, therapies, counseling, etc.. both kids are special needs, so they have more appointments than a regular kid. Hubby takes them to Occupational Therapy which is close to our home and during the day. I do vision therapy, girl scouts, and doctor appointments.

Do I do housework? Sometimes, but usually it is basic cleaning up. I used to do laundry, but he started doing it too. I will clean the bathroom now and then when I can't stand it, but otherwise, the rest is up to him.

Is this a "fair" arrangement? No. I think he has too much to do with the house, but I am exhausted and worn out with all the other things I do during the day.

So, for example, today looked like:
M:6:30 get up, dressed, ready for work.
D: 6:30 get daughter up, fed, dressed, ready for school, make lunch.
M: finish getting daughter ready with all things she is too slow to do for dad.
M: 7:25 Take daughter to school, park, walk her in, leave
M: 7:45 Go to work, answer phone calls from drs, therapists, behavior consultants, teachers, etc.
D: 8:00 get son up and take to school
D: 3 free hours to do whatever
D: 11:30 Pick up son from school do drive thru or store for lunch
D: take nap with son from 1-3
M: 3:25 Off work Pick up daughter from school
M: Drive 45 min to Vision Therapy
M: 4:15-5:15 vision therapy
M: 5:15-6:30 drive home, stop pick up dinner for son and daughter
M and D: hang with kids, give special attention to son because I've been gone all day and he hasn't seen me
M: 7:30-8:30 Bedtime routine
9 pm free time for grownups

This is a sample of our days but it sure isn't fair for either one of us.

I do the stuff you do everyday so clutter and mess doesn't build up and kids get fed.

Once husband and kiddos are home, they pitch in.

As my kids have gotten older - they have been taking over things like dishwasher/laundry folding/mowing lawn, etc.

Before that, yes he helped out. He still does. We are a pitch it so it's done type family. My kids have regular chores they do, and we have things we're good at so we tend to take those on, but I don't look at household stuff like mine and his. When we're home on weekends or weeknights, we all pitch in. I may start the meal earlier in day, but everyone gets it to the table.

My husband is the only one who drives, so he's the chauffeur. Some times he gets home, I have a kid waiting at door ready to go somewhere, and if I've packed him a sandwich to take on the road, that's what he gets to eat until sometimes he gets home at 10 pm.

When I was a sahm I did everything inside the house plus gardening. My hubby worked all day and mowed the lawn and took over childcare when he got home. When I went back to work he helped with cleaning and the kids pitched in to help with other chores.

What worked for us was having someone 100% responsible for a task. So I was 100% responsible for cooking. He was 100% responsible for yard work (I have allergies). We both worked hard and there wasn't a question about who's turn it was to do something.

I'm not sure if you are looking for validation, or what exactly, but I think every marriage is unique. The same things don't work for every marriage.

For us, yes, my husband helps around the house, when he is here and able. He works a regressive schedule (the time he reports to work gets earlier each day of the week). Early in the week, he is home until lunch, but is not home before dinner or even before everyone is gone to bed. By the end of his work week, he is up and gone before anyone else's alarm has sounded and he is home early afternoon, to nap, and then get up and go back for overnight...

So. Did he get up with the babies at night? No.
Did we co-sleep? No.
Did he stay home from work if a kid was ill? No.
Does he grocery shop? No.
Does/did he routinely participate in bedtime rituals? No.
(To clarify, he did participate in bedtime, sometimes, if he was home. But it was not expected. It was on me, every night. It worked best for the kids to have the routine be the same, especially in light of husband's weird schedule. Until the oldest was in high school, he also worked on weekends, and had his off days during the school week. I was the stability for our kids. But it didn't mean he never read them bedtime stories or helped with baths. He did. Just not routinely or on a schedule.)

Does he do housework? meh.. He will turn on the dishwasher, or empty it if he notices and he's not involved in his "getting ready for work" routine. He doesn't vacuum or mop or dust or clean toilets. But he'll throw in laundry. He'll fold and put away laundry (not on any schedule, just whenever). He'll wipe up the bathroom counter, but not really *clean* it.
He will grill anything I ask to help with dinner, if he's home.
He mows the yard. He helps keep the pool up.

He doesn't do the bills. He doesn't/didn't keep track of the kids' school/dentist/doctor/wrestling/school pics/karate/piano/confirmation classes/fundraisers/awards ceremonies, and so on. That's all sort of part of the operating manager's responsibilities (mine). He will/would come to any of that he could or special events (if not working), but it has always been sort of a "bonus"... I never relied on him to make those things happen. That's my job.

Maybe if he had a more regular M-F 8-5 job, his contributions to the home care/ child responsibilities would have been somewhat different. But, that isn't his work schedule. We both contribute when/where we can to ease the burden of the other. I do well with numbers and keeping things done on time. He does better not being bogged down with those worries while he is at his job.

Your home life and your husband's contributions to the home scene will be different than mine, I'm sure.

Glad you got some perspective. Be sure to remember that what works for some might not work for you.

Best
F. B.

Doesn't it make a difference how old the kids are? If kids are in school all day, it seems very different then when they are toddlers and home all day. I work but have always gotten home much earlier than my husband. When the kids were little, I felt he should do just as much at home as me bc I had no down time either. Now that the kids are older, since I work shorter hours and they are more self sufficient which means I get more down time while they do homework or play with friends, I don't worry about if he helps with dishes and all.

I teach half time and don't work in the summer. My husband does most of the yard work. I mess around a little in the flower beds. He also cooks several nights a week (stir fry, tacos, grills--even in the snow). He also does 90% of our laundry which he started doing after my first c-section. Whoever doesn't cook usually does the dishes. My husband also takes out the trash and takes care of all the car maintainance. If he is home, he usually does the bedtime stories. I truly married a saint.

My husband does the grocery shopping and frequently will grill our dinner. Until recently, I have done all cleaning and childcare task but since my kids are older that consist of giving them rides. Since I had 2 leg surgeries in the last year my husband has done everything and he still does a ton to make my life easier.

We always have hired a service to take care of the lawn.

whats your question? do you have an isdue with yours or are you justtrying to figure out if this is normal?

I did almost all the house chores, and most of the kid stuff. He cooked sometimes and did car and yard work. He was good at walking the dog too.

I handled all house stuff and kid stuff during "working hours". Once DH got home he would do the dishes from dinner while I bathed and put the kids to bed. So we had more time to spend together in the evenings.

On weekends he would do some laundry, well the washing and drying....I always have to fold and put away, lol. I think he likes running the machines.

He does the trash (unless it gets too smelly and I beat him to it) and yard work. If he didn't do the yard I would pay to have it mowed because it is large and I couldn't do it myself.

Now I am working full time until the end of the school year. It is pretty much the same.

Good luck...we defined these roles early in our marriage and so there were no surprises once I started staying home and now that I work again.

I don't allow my husband to load the dishwasher. There's a hilarious Oatmeal cartoon that sums up how I feel about it. :-D He does unload the dishwasher and he also handwashes dishes.

I start laundry loads, he puts wet stuff in the dryer and carries baskets up the stairs for me, I put clean stuff away.

I tend to my flower beds and trim the flowering bushes, but he does all of the outside work. Our kids are young teens, so they help with yard stuff too.

I cook the most often, but if I say I don't feel like making dinner he will handle it. He almost always makes brunch on the weekends. He and/or the kids set and clear the table.

Both of us do small trip grocery runs. We like to do the big shops together. When the kids were little we would take them along. That is how they learned how to make a list, use coupons, and price compare. Life skills! More often now, we leave the kids home and shop just the two of us. Mini date. :-)

He's been a very involved father ever since our first was born. I can (and have) left town for days at a time knowing that everything was just fine back home.

I've always needed more sleep than him, so when our kids were babies he would get up at night with them. If I was nursing, he'd bring the baby to me in bed then put the baby back in their crib when I was done. That way I could stay half-asleep.

I take care of scheduling and preplanning kid/family stuff.
He's the dad-taxi. If it requires a car, he's the one taking them places.
I do the school conferences and meetings.
He does the dentist appointments.
I do the doctor appointments.
We're both well versed in handling bedtime routine. Whoever is home tucks the kids in at night, usually that is both of us.

Basically, we each do what we're best at or mind doing the least, in a way that works well for our whole household.

i cook monday-thursday. friday is take out day. my husband cooks saturday and sunday.
i walk my dog every 3 hours. when husband comes at home around 6-7 he will walk him as needed until bedtime.
he gets the kids up for school and gives them breakfast. i get their lunches ready. he drives them to school. i do laundry every day. i keep up with cleaning, appointments, after school activities, studying, testing them to prep them for tests etc.
on weekends, he is an early rises, so he lets me sleep in.
trash gets taken out whenever it is full. so either me or him.
if he didn't help me, i wouldnt be able to do it all myself. i don't need to tell him (except for walking the dog, which he tries to delay as much as he can), otherwise he knows what he needs to do.

At night my kids unload and reload the washer and then my husband helps them hand wash, I cook so I am exempt from cleanup after. I do the laundry because that is part of our trade off (I hate dishes, he hates laundry). He always helps with the kids, without being asked. The dogs we both care for since we both decided to adopt them. I usually do lawn care since I am home, but if I ask him he is more then happy to do it, or help.

My husband works FT from home and we home-school our daughter, so we are all home during the day (well most days). I don't expect my husband to clean, do laundry (except his gym clothes), cook, since he works all day, but he will help if/when I ask.

We help each other all the time and don't keep track of who did what or when. I do tend to do more with our daughter, lessons, outings/play-dates, but that's because he can't always take time off.