Stay at Home, or Go Back to Work?

I'm offering my perspective having grown up with my own mother working full-time. My mother's career had a hugely favorable impact on me, my own professional ambitions and independence, my ideas on how to make juggling family and career work well, and what sort of role model I want to present to my own children. I remain very close to my mother to this day, and I frequently try to let her know how proud I am of her professional successes and how that dynamic added positively to shaping me.

Good luck.

I work two days/week and think it is the perfect scenario. I am the primary care giver to my son but also get to stay within my professional field. My son benefits from having other opportunities and I feel like a whole person. I don't feel like I have sacrificed myself to be a mom and I am a better mom for it. You need to do what works best for you. Good luck!

Your decision to go back to work is solely yours and your husbands, you cannot pose such a question (which i guess is, you fear you will lose your bond w/ your children if you go back to work?), and make a statement that other moms who work don't have the bond you have. That's just not a nice thing to do, and besides, it's subjective on your part, AND it's a personal thing to most people who have to work, or those who choose to work, and what sort of person they are. Some people, moms and dads, enjoy the closeness w/ their children while others are more authoratative, disciplinarian, what-have-you, everyone has their own parenting style and philosophy. I am positive your question is going to make more than a few people miffed, you almost sound a little self-righteous about it. I am a SAHM and even I found your question a wee bit offensive to those friends of mine who work hard and are still so very close w/ their children. Maybe you should edit your question with what you really mean to say, which seems to be, you are afraid of losing your bond w/ your children if you go back to work. Which to me sounds like you are more fearful of leaving them, even w/ your sister, to go back to work. I say, if you have a loving family member to watch your daughter, and you want to go back to work for the financial and social aspect of it, you should do so. But do not be unfair to the other working mommies that you know and presume they do not share as close a bond as you do -- in many cases working moms have a better grasp on teaching and spending time w/ their kids because the time IS so limited that they make it worth it. Good luck honey, i hope you make the right choice for you and your family. Know you don't mean your Q in a mean way, just would think of maybe rephrasing... :)

You know, I read through some of these responses and got a little irritated. I think this is a hot topic and one that many people feel very strongly about regardless of what side of the fence they are on. I get so aggravated when I hear how I'm going to regret working when my kids are older or how it's my responsibility as a Mom to forgo our financial needs in order to be physically present to witness every waking moment of my children's lives. Maybe back in the 50's when our economy wasn't so screwed up and it wasn't necessary to make two incomes to survive that was great but today is a different world. I am very blessed to work 3 days a week from home and 2 days in the office so I feel I'm getting the best of both worlds and I made that happen because that's how I wanted my family life to be but I have to tell you that if I had to work 5 days out of the house to pay the bills then that's what I'd have to do. I know plenty of working Moms who have wonderful relationships with their kids and very well adjusted children and I know a few who don't but I also know probably the same ratio in Moms who stayed home with their kids. I don't think that makes as much of a difference as people would like to believe. I think what you do with the time you spend with your kids, the effort you put forth, your parenting style, genetics etc all play a role in who your kids will be and what relationship they'll have with you now and in the future.

For those who have the luxury to have an option whether to work or not I think your very blessed and I applaud your efforts as stay at home Moms but I refuse to feel guilty about working and I hope other Moms who have to or just want to bring home a paycheck can find the right balance for themselves and let that guilt go. Us women put so much pressure on ourselves to be everything to everyone and then wring our hands at every "what if" that may come from what must be done. I say we each take the circumstances that God gave us and make the very best of it. Anyway, off the soapbox now!

I think you should do what is right for your family, pray about it and choose the path you feel most comfortable with. You can't go wrong on any decision you make when approached in that manner.

I work about two days each week for about 6 hours each of those days. I believe that my relationship with my children is better because of this time away. It gives me a break from the day-to-day, and when I come back to them, I feel that I am more patient than I would be otherwise. I also believe that their relationships with their caretakers, which is usually my mother-in-law or my dad, have grown.

I also don't have a problem with them having a babysitter as it teaches them to respect other adults and get along with other people.

It teaches them that even if Mom leaves, she always comes back.

I have friends that work full-time and friends that work part-time, and I have to say that their relationships with their children seem just as wonderful and close as those who stay home with their kids full time.

I strongly believe that each mother has to do what works best for her and her family, and that this is not the same for each mother/family. I think you have to really think through what will be best for you because that is what will be best for your kids.

Good luck with this tough decision!

I recently faced having to go back to work after being home for 6 years with my children - now ages 7, 5 and 3. I found that there are many opportunities that allow you to work from home.

Network marketing is the trend and a viable way to have it both ways - stay at home with your kids and still earn a decent income. I think the key is to find a company you really love and can get behind their product(s). You could check out the Direct Selling Association website - I think it's www.dsa.org. To be a member of this association you have to be credible. Look at the list of member companies. Also, make sure the company has been in business for at least 5 years so you know they are stable. One last thing, in my company, we tout that we have consumable products because this means re-orders!

I'm bias of course but think the company I represent, Arbonne International, is the best one out there.

Whatever you choose to do, know that you can always change your mind. If you go back to work and realize you would rather be home with your 16 mo. old, you can always quit your job. You may find you needed a break from mommyhood and then when you are home, the time you spend with your children will be that much better quality because you had a chance to step away. You won't know till you try!

Good luck to you and of course, if you want to hear more about the Arbonne opportunity, please send an email and I'll direct you to more information.

I have done both. I stayed home with my daughter and then decided to go back to work part time when my son was 15 months old. I too was torn. While working I was in a very good place it met my needs. But when I got home I felt I was not there for my son as I was for my daughter. Needless, to say I quit after a year. I decided that I would stay home until they are both in school full time. Like you, I love my children and enjoy being with them. But if we as mothers are not happy or feel fulfilled it will spill over. I wish you luck with your decision. Remember you can always change you mind. I did.

Terry

The bond you form with your child is not because you spend "x" amount of hours with them. The bond is formed when you spend quality time with your children. So with that being said, go back to work part-time and when you are home take the time to be with your family. Play games, read books, go for walks, cook together, clean together, go shopping, all of these things and many more help you bond with your child. Enjoy the time you have with your children now, before you know they will be on their own.

Cheryl

How would your child suffer? Because it would get to interact with other people? (and other kids - if it goes to a daycare?)

I spent 8 months home with my first child and now I work full time and I have an excellent bond with my kids. I don't think you can really judge other moms' bonds with their children whether you know them or not unless you are in their shoes. It's a different type of bond, but it's not any less strong than the one you have.

Mine go to a home daycare and get to go on field trips every week to the zoo, or children's museum, etc. They go to a gym every tuesday and a parks and rec program every monday. They love to go be with their friends. When I pick them up, they talk all about what they did and what they learned (the 3.5 year old does anyways LOL).

I don't think you should look at it as your child suffering....I feel like that is your guilt talking -- for you wanting to work. There's nothing wrong with working and having someone else take care of your child so you can work.

I also look at it like they are getting to experience so much more than what I could do for them. Social skills, trips, friends, learning to depend on others besides mom....these are all things that will benefit them.

Yes, it is hard to balance working and spend the good time with my kids, but if you want to do it bad enough, you make it work - and it's worth it.

C.,

Why not try a p/t job and see if you like it.

It is hard to balance work and family, but it can be done. You said you have a supportive husband, then that is 1/2 the battle right there.

I can say that I do lots of things with my kids even though I work F/T. I believe like someone else said it is not if you work or do not, it is how you choose to spend your time with your kids.

HI C.,
I was in the same situation, although my children are much younger. I went back to work yesterday for 3 hours, and LOVE it. My mother-in-law stays with the kids, so I don't have to worry that they won't be taken care of. If you are willing to consider your sister to watch the kids, I am sure she would do a wonderful job. Honestly, when I got home, I felt so "human" again, that I think I had more energy to give to my kids. I do have some guilt, because my youngest is about 6 weeks old (I am pumping like crazy!!), but, as I said, I know they are well taken care of, and I think this will help us in the long run. It may not hurt to try part time, and if you really aren't happy, or feel that your 16 month old isn't happy, you could always quit...
Good luck!
E.

As a mom who stayed home for 4 years with my kids and now I have to work full time, I would say that if you can stay home, stay. The best thing is a PT job, this would allow you some extra money but not too much time away from your little ones. It also allows you both time away from each other. Money will come and go, but the time with your children you can never get back. I have to work full time but I wish that I could work just part time.

Good luck...either way your son would be in great care.

The bond is all about the time that you spend with your kids. If you take the time and spend "quality" time" the bond will be there. That means not always having doing things done until your child is asleep.

If I were you, I would stay home. You are lucky you have that option and it does not sound that you believe working moms can give children the same attention. So I believe it would be a struggle for you.

If you do go back, you should remember that it the quality time, not quantity time that you spend with your children that counts. Children also benefit from seeing that their mom's can be successful and still value them.

I have done both, and both are difficult, but it is how you choose to interact with your children that counts, not whether or not you work.

You have already built a very strong bond with your child, that really cant be broken. Even more so, because your only going to be working part time. Your child will probably be very mad at first, but he/she will get use to it. I would even go as far as to say it will be very good for them. My first son just started kindergarden, and you wouldn't believe the amount of kids hanging on to there parents leg screaming that they did not wont to stay. All I could think was that it was great that they were so attached to the parent, but what an awful way to start something that they have to do. At your childs age it's a great time to start to teach them how to be independent. God knows in this day and age they need it. At the same time, the decision is yours? Are you ready. The best thing I could say is try it for a month, if it's not right for you and your child you could always quit.

Nancy M. put it perfectly. I too am a SAHM and unfortunately public forum is not the place to be judging ANY mothers for going back to work or how it affects their relatonships with their kids. You are very very fortunate and maybe not so aware of how difficult it is for many to get by without working. I tutor in my home while my husband watches my daughter or her grandfather watches and plays with her which is awesome, but I am fully aware of the fact that if I wasn't so lucky to have a setup in my home with my child not getting "slighted" I would still have to do it to feed my children. I do think it is eutopic and ideal to be at home with our children but more mothers than not have absolutely no choice. I used to feel the way you convey your message, judging those who work and leave their children, however as I have matured and experienced a lot more hardships and struggles, I realize that is not the case often enough. Please consider the larger picture. And thank G-d profusely for the enormous gift and luxury that you have, being able to choose whether to work or not.

If you love being a SAHM then you are probably very good at it! Do you think your sister will be as devoted as you? Consider that you know your children best. I don't happen to agree with some other posters that a child is "better off" in daycare. SAHM's have tons of opportunities to socialize their kids through playgroups, classes, and special events and they are able to cater to their particular child's interests (e.g. if your child likes the zoo, etc. then you can go there every week).

Unless there is another reason for wanting to work like adult comraderie or recognition for what you do, sounds like you would be better off staying home a little longer. I've been both a FTWM and a SAHM and staying home is much more conducive to being in touch with your children and their needs. But like all things, it depends on the effort level of the mom. If a working mom makes the effort and has a supportive husband, then that helps her stay in better touch.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

First of all, I have to tell you how fortunate you are to even have the opportunity to contemplate a decision like this. And it's not an easy one - there are no right answers across the board. This is a truly personal decision and I recommend you follow your gut. In my case, I have only one child (2 yr old) and went back to work when he was 12 weeks. Two of my sisters come to my home (1 each day) and stay with my son while I work. Going back to work was one of the hardest decisions of my life so far. I have no regrets, because my sisters caring for my son is in my opinion right on level with me doing so. Some people will dispute that (I repeat - this is a very personal decision!), but I feel that my son having exposure to multiple people who love him like they are his own has helped shape him into the charming and compassionate child that he is. Honestly, I will be much more interested in staying home with him when he enters school and there are more demands on him -that's when I think children critically need the attention of both of their parents. That's the time when you can be involved and really know what your children are facing in life. So, if I had the option, I would work while she is little and stay home later on. I don't know your other children's ages, so it's hard to say what I would really recommend. I wish you all of the best with this decision - it surely won't be a simple one!

I cant say that Ive had the luxury of staying home but I think that if you decided to go back part time it would give you some grownup time. As much as its great to have such a close bond with your kids its also good to have some separate time too. Kids learn to be more independant of you that way. Plus it gives you both something to talk about in your lives. I know my daughter and I have a ritual every night before she falls asleep, she tells me everythign she did that day. Now Ive already asked her daycare teacher of course and I usually spend some time there with her so we repeat some of things we did together but it gives her a sense that Im interested in her day. I think it would be good for you to mix up your days a little, for you and for your kids.

C.,

I am a firm believer of being home with your children. Those years go so fast and you can never get them back again. Although the decision is ultimately up to you, please think carefully about this. Years from now are you going to look back and say how thankful you are that you worked, or are you going to look back and be thankful for all those wonderful times you had with your child and the memories you created together. You have the rest of your life to work, but this is just a short period of time in your child's life. He or she will be in school before you know it, and you will have the rest of you life to work if you want to. I definately understand that need to get out and have adult interaction. I run a part-time business from my home, and I know how thankful and blessed I am to have it, because I know that most SHM's don't. Maybe you can find part-time work that will allow you and your husband to alternate your schedules so that one of you is always home with the baby? What ever your decision is I wish you and your family all the best.

J.

I work full time and I love what I do for work, but like lots of moms who work full time, I wish I had more time with my son. That said, I feel very much that we have "bonded" - I just wish we had a little more play time together. In my opinion, the *ideal* situation is to work 20-30 hours/week (the real challenge is finding a job that you enjoy where you can do this). I think kids - especially when they get older (like toddlers) really love being in social situations and benefit from it in many ways. Their speech progresses much faster and they learn about sharing, playing nicely, and teamwork. So I don't think your youngest will "suffer" by you going back to work.

C.,
I am also a SAHM and agree that it benefits the children. You are lucky to have family who can watch your child. That is the only way I would go back PT. Figure out if you will bring in enough $ PT to make it worth your while and if you really need the $. What am I saying? WE can always use extra $:) but you know what I mean. I tutor in the evenings when my husband is home to make more money, which strengthens the bond with Dad and my daughter.

Good luck.
A.

Being a mother is tricky work. I stayed home with my first for six months with every intention of staying home for good, then as fate would have it my husband got laid off and I had to go back to work. I also found that the outside stimulus made me a much more attentive mother of an only child. I worked four days a week until my son was 2 1/2 and I found that to be pretty good. I had Sat., Mon., & Wed. off. I found that having the days split up meant I never got too tired, and I had a lot of time to devote to my family...the downside to split days was it was really hard to get away anywhere w/out having to cancel a book full of clients(no work, no pay). When we bought our home I went back to work full time...that really was horrible for me. I trully found that to be too much, especially when I got pregnant with my second. I felt like I was neglecting myself, my family, etc. After my daughter was born I went back to work when she was three months old three days a week. That works pretty well, although I think tha I found working four days a week to be easier. I know this sounds bizarre, but I had everything down to an art form...with four days off and me being a bit of a procratinator I find I don't utilize my time as well, whether it be for fun things with the kids, chores and errands, or hobbies. I find now that I have two I think I need to be either home full time (not an option at the moment) or work four days (this also not an option with cost of daycare for twokids) I hope this helps, but just remember a happy mom is the best thing you can do for your family. Good luck with your decision, and remember you can always quit if it doesn't feel right.

No matter what you do you will still be a great mom. You can tell by just considering what could happen!! There are a few things you could check out. One are the At home business' There are several out there but it does allow you flexibility as well as income.

I chose this route and sell products from The Body Shop you can check out the site, I would be happy to see if this would work for you if you want more info.

www.thebodyshopathome.com/web/faithjones

Another option is finding work that you can have your children with you.. some preschools, child cares, I have even heard bus drivers are allowed to bring their children.

Of course I remember everyone telling me to watch kids in my home when we realized we needed extra cash I wanted to scream everytime someone said why not watch kids in your home. I was thinking are you nuts who wants to watch other peoples kids all the time!!

That said if your Sister is watching your child you will probably be totally comfortable and enjoy the break/extra $$ part time work can give you!! I hope this helps!!

I believe if you have the opportunity - SAH. There is nothing more precious than teaching and watching your child grow. I didnt have the opportunity - back in the day when I was younger- to SAH - because we needed the money. Quite honestly, for me, the money wasnt worth it - I worried all the time about how the babysitter was taking care of my child. I know there are wonderful sitters out there and that is a blessing but some are not. If you have the opportunity C. - stay home - you can find an opportunity to work from home. I work with a Wellness company that has an awesome opportunity for everyone - you can visit my profile, message me and I will provide you with more information. You can have your cake and eat it to if you want :)

It wouldn't hurt to give part time a try and see how you like it. If it didn't work you could always leave. I have worked two days a week since my daughter was 4 months and she is now 20 months. I enjoy the opportunity to get out of the house and have some adult interaction. It still gives me plenty of time to spend with my daughter and she really enjoys the interaction with out nanny and her kids while I'm gone too.