Stay Married for My Kid?

www.youarenotcrazy.com

Please don't stay. You will regret it. Your son will flourish in an environment without fighting and hurt. I've BEEN in your shoes.

Think of it like this. If you were 20 years older and looking back on yourself right now, what would 50-year old you be telling 30-year old you to do?

I know I'd be telling myself to leave and raise my son in happiness and love.

ALSO: Do not cheat. A man who will cheat with you will cheat on you. And if you'll cheat on your husband....what kind of woman are you teaching your son to admire? Don't be that woman, and don't end up with that man. Get out in a healthy way, be single, get some therapy, and do what is right. Be a role model.

You need to learn to stand on your own before you enter another relationship. Separate from hubby and make him understand that you are ready to move on if he doesn't figure out what meds he needs to be on because he certainly sounds bi-polar.

Then once you are divorced and living independently you can date your co-worker and anyone else for that matter. But until you are able to stand on your own you won't be a complete person who is half of a couple.

You are in an abusive relationship. Leave. For your sake and the sake of your son. Get some counseling and some help.

Then, spend a lot of time by yourself. Do not pursue a relationship with your supervisor. Not only is adultery bad news, getting involved at work is a great way to lose your job-- a job which you will need if you are looking at getting healthy going forward.

Bottom line: think about your son in 10 years, when he's 13, and he puts 2 + 2 together and guesses that mom left dad for another guy (possibly step-dad). What will that do to your relationship with your son? It may not matter that your husband, his dad, might have been abusive. In fact, it may drive him straight to his dad's "side."

Slow way, way down with all this. Get away from this guy at work as soon as possible. Change departments, jobs, whatever you have to do. Recognize this situation for what it is - a major threat to everything in your life.

Get to a counselor ASAP. If you're not very careful you could repeat the same exact mistakes.

Please get help. I'm begging you - get help before you do anything else. And if you are in fear whatsoever for you or your son's safety, get to a women's shelter immediately.

Please do not exacerbate any of this with another variable to the equation (another person).

JMO.

oh Dear, you need to get out of your abusive relationship-the next time he touches you-call the police immediately-physical cruelty is grounds for divorce. Get an attorney and have him explain the steps. As for your supervisor-he sounds like a nut, as well. Any man-emphasis on man-that is secure would not be jealous when someone he cares for dances with a friend at work. He sounds dangerous and possessive and too good to be true. Your focus is not feeling beautiful and admired-your focus is your safety and your child's safety-period. So, again, take the necessary steps and don't go head long into a relationship with someone else until you have recovered fully from the one you need to end.
Good luck and be careful.

I echo Gramma G's advice. The stability of you and your child comes first. Your husband sounds like he may be bi-polar....still you don't deserve the to be treated badly and feel obligated to have sex on demand.

I would consider a legal separation and let your husband know if there is ANY chance of reconcilliation, he must seek professional help. Since he is violent (if you can afford it, find a small place for you and your son temporially). I think you can probaby get a court order so you and your son can stay in the house. I always worry when people recommend a restraining order for an already violent person. I think it's like waving a red flag in front of a bull. Many women have been injured or killed although they had a restraining order.

Depending on how he treats his son, I would recommend reasonable visiting rights. If you have ANY doubts for your child's saftey, I would recommend supervisits only.

Again....NO romance until you have cleaned up the mess your in now.

If you need to go to a women's shelter for a while....just stay safe.

Keep us posted.....I will pray for your family. Blessings..

1. If your husband is abusive, it is not good to stay for the child. Get into counseling. Go yourself. If your husband knows something is wrong on the "bad days", he should go as well.

2. Contact a shelter or women's help line. Get information and support so that you can leave if you need to. If he will not get counseling and is violent, then you need to get out. Your son will learn to be a "man" from him and that's the last thing he needs as a role model.

2. Do NOT get involved with your supervisor. You are vulnerable. The positive attention makes you feel good. BUT - this is not a good time to let your emotions rule. For your son's sake, do NOT rush into a relationship. You need to heal, your child needs to heal, and another man will not fix things.

If the company is large enough to transfer to another department, do that. If not, you may have to find a new job. If you need to move to be near family for support, that may work for the best anyway.

Good luck and be safe.

I personally have zero tolerance for an abusive relationship so I would say it is a good idea to divorce your husband. You don't want to live that way. That is so bad for you...and a bad role model for your son. My mom was in an abusive relationship for 7 years (when I was in 6th through 12th grade) and it was awful. I have the lowest opinion of men like that and I stay away from them like the plague as an adult! So...ignore the guy at work for now and don't go there. Get your life in order. My advice is divorce your husband because this is GOOD for you and your kid! And be very very careful when you start dating again...be very picky. My mom just went for another loser guy after another...she always made bad choices. Go to therapy for yourself to learn about yourself. Don't pick a guy for the wrong reasons. PS - your feelings for the guy at work are not wrong. They just are. But don't go there. First focus on getting your life in order.

As others have said, you are in an abusive relationship.

Do you want your SON to see this as how a relationship should be? If you stay in this farce of a marriage, it is HIGHLY likely that he will treat his future partners in the same way.

The only way to BREAK this cycle is to get out, and get out FAST!

How long will it be before your "husband" starts taking out his frustrations on his son? Do you really want that? (I put the husband in quotes... because no REAL husband treats his wife/partner that way....)

When was the last time your husband had a full physical?

He needs to be tested for low Testosterone. It is not unusual for them to behave like this when they have an imbalance in their bodies.

You need to get your head back into your marriage. Yes, you are lonely and feeling neglected and abused, but it takes 2 people to get a marriage back on track.

So get him the Physical and both of you need to go to marriage counseling.. Make a list of your concerns. A list of his treatment of you and a list of how you feel. Put some professional work into this marriage.

And IF for some reason you decide to break up.. separate, divorce. DO NOT date anyone for at least a year. If you do see someone, only do this when your son is at his dads home. Stay away from the "nice guy". This is not the time for distractions. You and your family deserve for you all to work on this.

I am a child of divorce and it was hard for us to meet new people right after the divorce. We were starting over with Just our mom as a single parent and our dad as a single person. When these new people came around we either loved them.. or could not stand them.. But they did go away after a while and we felt like we were once again.. breaking up with these people too.

Your son will need a complete transition. He will need a stable home with you and then with his dad. Do not bring in anyone new until these things are into a routine,

K.:

Welcome to mamapedia!

Put myself in your shoes? no thanks. What would I do? I would hit him back. I would defend myself then call the police and press charges. I would change the locks on the doors, install a great security system with cameras, change my routine and get a divorce.

Why on earth would you subject your child to that? Seriously! **THIS** is the example you are setting for marriage. You are teaching your child how to treat a W.. You are teaching him how to treat YOU. Is this what you want for him? REALLY? If that answer is NO - THIS IS NOT what I want. You need to kick him out or find your own place. You need to do it NOW. TODAY. Not next week. Not tomorrow - but TODAY.

I would NOT get involved with my co-worker. You don't ink your pen in the company well. Sorry. But this is NOT good. And to boot? He's your direct supervisor!?!?! NO FREAKING WAY. STOP that right now.

What you are doing is DANGEROUS. You are losing respect with your co-workers as they are now making jokes about you at your expense. STOP THE MADNESS!! If you want to see where this "relationship" goes? Girl you need to close the chapter you are currently in. That means divorcing your husband, standing on your own two feet and providing for yourself and your child.

You need to find a new job. You cannot be dating your boss. If you find a new job and he still wants to keep in touch - GREAT. But NOT until you are divorced and have a new job.

You may be wanting this attention. Believe me - it's NOT going to end well. BE PROFESSIONAL with ALL of your co-workers and DO NOT encourage ANYTHING from this man until you have a new job secured.

I would not and DID NOT stay married to an abusive husband for my child. Never will again either.

Good luck!

Deeeeep sigh. Okay, I am one of four children, my mother, God rest her soul remained married to my dad. Who I love dearly, but he was an alcoholic and is bipolar (who I unfortunately inherited it from). He was mentally abusive to my mom for over 30 years, until she died. She was such a wonderful woman, she even borrowed money from her supervisor at work (that she was dating while my parents were separated) to pay for a divorce, but during one of my dad's "nice moods" talked her back into his arms.

My childhood was spent listening to my parents fight, my dad was never physically abusive to my mom, except for once much later on, but while I was younger I was always afraid one of the times that he threatened he was never coming back, that he really wasn't, leaving for school in the morning to find him passed out in our driveway from a night out drinking, you name it, it went on. Then he sobered up and we had to deal w/the skeletons in the closet of his mental illness. Being bipolar myself I realize it's really no big deal, but my dad was on & off his meds, nastier then shi* & my mom was always there making excuses for him.

I truly got to a point in my life that when my friends would cry over their parents getting divorced, I wish mine had.

That's my take on your situation and that is pretty much my scoop on what I could give you from where your child may perceive things. I'm not in their head, but I'm pretty sure that if you asked them in a few years, it wouldn't be too far off. It's a hard choice to make, but if you do leave him, leave him for you and your child, not another person. It's flattering to have someone else to care about you and pay attention to you, but you have to always keep in mind the real reason you are doing this.

If you ever need a shoulder or a friend, please consider me good for both :)

leaving your husband with another fish dangling will at first be easier.....but just know that your heartache will be double when it all comes crashing down. I know your scared. I get it. Trust in god to guide you in the right direction. don't stay, but don't leave for another man.

I haven't read the other answers, and quite frankly, it was hard reading your post. All I could think once I got to the hitting part was "Why does she want her child to grow up in this house watching Mom be a punching bag?"

I'm sorry if that's tough, but really, K.. WHY would you wish this on ANY child, much less your own? Get the hell out of there.

Please get professional help to discover what drives you to be in unhealthy relationships. For starters, you chose a man who is a hot mess and then you had a baby with him. Something is up there Mama that you need to sort out. Also, you are thinking about a relationship with a supervisor. This guy has major issues too if he is flirting with a someone who works under him who is also a married young mother of a toddler. Nice men do not cross those kinds of boundaries. Honey, this guy might be rich and acting nice, but he is also messed up if he is seeing you as a possible person to date. You owe it to your son to get help and learn how to be in healthy relationships. Otherwise, your baby boy is subject to a lot of pain
and chaos.

U can not stay w an abusive man. Forget the other guy.

You need to leave. Your child is only 3 but he is learning how to treat his future girlfriends/wife. I would find a place to live with my child and be gone.
There is no way in he** that I woudl let a man belittle my self-esteem and make me feel like a piece of *hi*.

You may be an older woman but there are other people out there that would care for you the proper way. Lifte is too short to be treated like this.

Find a way to carry yourself is a respectful manner and demand that you be treated like a queen. Love yourself first and then the rest will fall into place. I hope that you find the sweet spot and get out of this house and do file for divorce.

You can do it. A big hug to you.

the other S.

Please find a wonderful therapist for yourself, then find the strength to leave. You must put your son first!! He is going to grow up and think this is the way to treat his mom and his wife some day. Stop that cycle, you are the only one who can. Then get out for yourself, you certainly deserve better, Think if you had a daughter and her husband treated her that way you would certainly say she deserves better, well you do too!!!

Take the steps to make you and your son safe in your new life, who knows maybe your husband will look into getting some help, right now your only priority should be the safety of you & your son.

As for your friend at work, I understand its nice to feel beautiful and wanted its simply not the time for that, get out of your abusive marriage get some therapy then look to the future of maybe finding someone, for now learn to love you!! you need to value you and love you before you can find it somewhere else, someone being in an abusive relationship like yours tells me you don't value yourself. Learn to love you!!! then you & your son can be happy and live a healthy life both mentally & physically.

May God bless you with his strength and guidance!

Wow, some of these responses are pretty harsh. On the other hand, I think you've been given some very good advice. I don't think there should be any question about leaving your husband. You deserve to be happy, so does your son.

You should check out a friend of mine's website. It's called divorced girl smiling.com. Tons of great advice that covers everything from, yes you can be happy on your own to suggestions on using a divorce mediator vs an attorney. Best of luck to you and your son!