Staying Connected to Teen Daughter

Can you tell her that you love spending time with her and maybe you two could alternate planning activities? For example, you plan an activity this week and she plans one next week? It could be a movie, lunch, baking cookies, shopping, a hike, bowling, etc. Tell her you're game for anything!

I have been giving this some thought.

I think that my reply to you would be this: try to focus less on connecting to her, and instead, focus on remaining connectable. By that I mean, plan fewer activities and issue fewer invitations, and maintain an air of communication. When she's binge-watching something, just bring her a snack, or a cup of tea, or a cold bottle of water and quietly exit the room. When she's with you in the car, try not to plead for details of her life, but discuss something non-controversial. For example, don't say "honey, you never tell me what's going on with you anymore". Instead, ask her opinion on something that is going on in your local area, or something in the news. Listen respectfully.

If she invites someone over, make your home welcoming, provide delicious food, and make yourself scarce. Remain vigilant, and available, but don't try to join the party.

Stay connectable, and she'll pass through this period of time to one where she connects again. I remember that feeling of joy that I got when my son,(who had gone from hiding in his room as a typical teen, to only calling for money when he went to college), finally called just to chat. After we hung up, I realized with shock that he hadn't wanted anything except to say hello and ask how I was doing.

It will happen with you, too, if you don't force it, if you remain interested in her, if you keep yourself available.

You have good responses to a daughter becoming a woman. It is time for you to have your own things to do and not depend on her to buddy with you. Be there for her when she needs your help and guidance. Let her do her own thing and you do yours.

My daughter once told me at about 16 that I was her best friend. I told her I was honored to be that but I thought that "X" was your best friend and she told me no. She now lives about nine hours away and is on her own. When she needs a helping hand I do help but it is not every week. This summer she lost her job (has a new one now) but her budget was wrecked and I helped out. There are times she calls me to vent about things and people and I just listen and do not give advice. Or she will call about a recipe and what to put in it or substitutes to make an item.

I do miss her but she is her own person and it is great to see how she has turned out as an adult.

the other S.

Mine is 15 and I totally get what you are going through. I found last summer that a helpful thing was to peak in and see what she was watching... and sit down with it on. If she's like my daughter, she'd love to have you join her binge watching session with some silly Netflix show. We watched 13 seasons of Supernatural last year. LOL
A season or so of Parks and Recreation, and several seasons of Dr. Who. (which I'm annoyed, b/c she went off on a tangent watching a Disney program and won't let me watch Dr. Who without her now...)

But it's been fun. We share a lot of inside jokes between us now, that my husband and son don't get b/c they won't join us watching. It even helped me know that the "Dr. Who earbuds" on her Christmas list didn't mean they needed to actually be the Dr. Who character. I bought her a pair of adipose earbuds from amazon. She loves them!

I do find her to be much more moody, but it tends to be at the same times I, myself, and moodier--early in the morning when I'm mentally gearing up for the day. When I have a lot of things that need doing (and I'm not particularly into getting them done). When I'm rushed.

Generally, if I act interested in what she's up to, she will sometimes extend an invite if I'm not presumptuous about it and not pushy. I even stayed with her and her two friends (and their mom, who decided to stay since I was) to sit through Rogue One at the movies last week. At night, even. :)

But when she isn't feeling chatty, I give her space. And when we are in the car together, I don't fuss if she wants to plug in her phone/ipod and crank up her favorite playlist. She has some quirky stuff on it (not raunchy, but like... weird.. like VeggiTales with Madame Blueberry singing or Larry the cucumber singing about his SUV vehicle, but also Queen and Bohemian Rhapsody, and the soundtrack (70s music) from Guardians of the Galaxy). And we have fun with the music. I don't just roll my eyes. She's a pretty fun kid. She and all her friends are band geeks, so quirky music is one way she differentiates herself among her friends.

But, she doesn't do that with her dad. He mans the radio when he's in the car. She likes his music, too. But when it's just me and her she likes to goof around with it more.

To me, this is yet another stage where we kind of lament the passing of time even as we are pleased and excited with the next stage: sleeping through the night (which some people have trouble with, believe it or not), giving up breastfeeding, first steps (because you never know where your kid is from that day forward!), leaving them at preschool, watching them get on the school bus for kindergarten, first period, first bra, first date, learner's permit, first solo drive, and so on.

You are very lucky in that she is still cooperative and still kind of interested in you (!) and she is, at least, in her room and not roaming around without telling you where she is. I went through a stage of thinking I was no longer relevant to my son, and my husband was great about reassuring me. I think some of it is changing hormones, but the rest of it is her trying to learn to be without you. Does that make sense? She knows, on some level, that she's going to have to survive on her own, whether it's at college or in her first job/apartment. Proving she can manage without you is a way to build confidence in herself, rather than a rejection of you in any way.

What helped me - and I hope it will help you in advance - is when my son went away to college. He had gone through a phase of being a bit of a smart aleck, know-it-all kind. Not horrible, not something we could really discipline him for in a major way other than a few comments about "respect or no car keys" but definitely present. Once he went to college, he really saw how much he still needed us. We had prepared him quite well, I think, as much as one can - he had his own bank account and debit card (we monitored online) and did his own laundry for years, for example - but still, it was a big shock. And he had a roommate who didn't even know how trash and recycling were removed from the room (duh - you take it yourself!) and didn't manage a bank account or even use an ATM until senior year because his mother drove 3 hours each way to bring him cash. Yes, really! Great kid, great family, just overprotective mom. He really struggled, with his own schedule and with other students being blown away by his dependence, because she protected him too much.

If you remember how you felt when she started to walk, and you knew you just had to let her fall and get hurt sometimes, you might try getting into that "head" again. You have to let her NOT need you - she needs to do things without you and not make plans for mother-daughter stuff except for special occasions. I know that's hard - but she needs to rely on you in a new way, knowing that you are not her pal and that you will be able to handle any of the grown-up crises that will come her way. You've got to show her that you won't freak out with late-teen drama or issues, the same way you showed her you wouldn't freak out with every bruise or cut when she was little. She's going to need that more than you know and more than she knows right now. But her instinct is preparing her for it.

You sound like you are pretty on top of her with the big stuff, so I imagine you are checking her phone and her computer to be sure that what she's texting and emailing and binge-watching are appropriate, and you know she's not doing drugs or anything. So I would pull back and also give her additional adult responsibilities that she will need when she is out on her own. If she doesn't have a bank account, go with her to the bank to set that up. If she's not doing laundry or if she's not able to prepare some basic meals and clean up after herself, it's time to do that. You can "graduate" into the financial overseer vs. her personal ATM who hands over cash when she needs it. Let her learn to budget, and don't bail her out if there's "too much month left at the end of the money." Of course you will help with a back to school wardrobe or a prom dress, but not the basics. Even if you give her a certain amount of money every month, let her pay her own cell bill and so on. You can try to make it a bonding experience, and if that works, great. If it doesn't, that's okay - you have to be the bigger person here and look down the road 2-3 years.

What I can tell you is that the rewards are great when they go to college and really, really start to appreciate you. There was something oddly comforting about my son coming home on fall break and for Thanksgiving, sleeping away the exhaustion and being really grateful for every cooked meal and every load of wash I did then (because I knew he didn't require or expect it of me).

And they wind up consulting you for bigger stuff, and that's a whole new reward.

If you can take the long view here, it really helps.

My daughter just turned 22 and we are super tight. It didn't happen overnight.... during the harder times, I was her soundboard and I did a LOT of listening without judging.

She always knew she could bounce things off me and it was ok.

I refused to be like my mom.,, the one with endless questioning.

We've recently been through hell together with the sudden loss of my husband and daughter's heart surgery. Our bond got stronger.

When she went to college in 2013, we bought a condo for her. She lives about 15 minutes from campus and 20 minutes from me.

We just got back from 6 nights together at Disney and made it fine. We talk daily and see each other once or twice a week.

My advice is to be a great listener and be available when she needs you. You'll get through it!!! My daughter is a gem and it sounds like yours is as well.

My daughter will be 18 shortly. We went through this too, it's a normal part of growing up. I will tell you that for my daughter it was short lived. I respect her privacy and friendships but I also wanted her to realize she could manage her relationships well, including those with us.

I find if I tell her, come visit with me while I make dinner or better yet, I need you to reach something for me, she's happy to. She's asking my opinion and running things by me, but I always ask her what she thinks about the situation. Most of the time I'll tell her I think that's a great way to look at that or if I disagree, I'll ask her if she's thought about a different view. I try to validate she's making good decisions and I know she's ready to fly. She will leave for the Navy this summer.

Stay open to her. I tell my daughter I want to see her sweet face. Even though they may grimace a little, they're glad you want to spend time with them. I'll ask her questions about her friends, what they're up to or if one is still dating the other. I also try to tell her at least one thing she's done well lately.

My favorite times are car trips. We have great conversations and take turns listening to our favorite music. I've also left her notes reminding her how much I like her. Every single time she leaves in her car to visit her friends or whatever she's doing, I walk her out and tell her I love her and be safe, she's carrying precious cargo.

Another thing I do is tell her I've never been the parent of a 17 year old girl. That I know I'll make mistakes but we will get through it together. I'll do my best to listen and I'll love her no matter what.

They are suppose to pull away as they establish their own personalities.
It may be awhile before you reconnect - but eventually you connect as adults.
It's a different relationship - but it can be great.
In the mean time - quit waiting around.
The way to get anyone interested in you (even your daughter) is to be interesting.
That means taking a class, learning something new, taking up a hobby, join a bowling league.
Who were you before you became a parent?
Go find out and reconnect with YOU.

I just want to echo B's commment below about making sure you have some fun personal hobbies for your free time - womens group, hiking group, bridge club, etc. if you do not currently have anything like that, start thinking about finding that now. It will give you a "personal development experience" to tell your daughter about - setting a good example for your daughter about a way to meet people etc - and you'll be laying the foundation for your own free time happiness after she leaves for college.

i'm glad that you understand that the pulling away is right and natural, and that you're not trying to rope her back in.
i get it, totally.
i think it's fine to acknowledge your own sorrow over this life stage, so long as you keep it in perspective and don't try to guilt her.
khairete
S.

Move the computer from her room. Tell her that you need to have access to it too.

Yes, that is totally normal. Maybe you can occasionally spend some special mother/daughter time with her doing something you both enjoy? This is a new phase in both your lives. Change is continual.

My daughter did the same thing, but maybe a little earlier than 16. And my son is 16 now and is always in his room or the basement. But I can tell you that my daughter is 20 now and whenever she is home from college and not out with friends, she is usually hanging out with me and her Dad, watching movies, listening to music whatever. I'm hoping my son will do this as well. Sometimes they just need space.