Step Children

I have to say kudos to you wanting your step children involved in your life! That is great.
A lot depends on what they agreed upon during the divorce as far as visitation goes.
He can fight it very easily that they come every other holiday, sharing expenses with the mom, and so many weeks in the summer.

I can say being on the flip side, my ex moved back to Texas. He has asked if maybe my daughter would come visit him this summer in Texas. She hasn't flown since she was 18 mos, my son isn't old enough to fly without a parent so she would be going alone. I asked her if she wanted to fly to see her daddy and when she found out I wasn't going or her brother she was very aprehensive about it and said no. I personally don't like the idea of her travelling alone on a plane her first time to see him. I haven't said that to her but to be honest I am letting her decide. I have always told my ex that it isn't up for us to dictate visitation, it is up to the kids. Even with my personal reservations, if she said tomorrow she wanted to go then I would send her.

When they are older, I think they will want to spend weeks in Texas with him, holidays and so on. Per the court I have to help pay for that expense WHICH sucks as he moved I didn't but courts look at what is best for the kids not the parents.
It has to be about them.

If they don't want to be away from home that long, enforcing it could cause a lot of resentment. A 13 year old should be able to make those kind of decisions herself as well as the 9 year old. His ex should be open to them flying and doing whatever visitation they want however. He can even enforce that she splits the airfare too! It is about what is best for the kids and let the courts decide.

First let me say congrats on being concerned about the bond of your husband, his children and the new baby, and with you for that matter! Here is the part that is going to suck, since the children don't live with you you are really at the mercy of the custodial parent when it comes to court ordered visitation, if she is letting your husband have the kids on an unscheduled visitation you are stuck, if it is during his regular visits then you guys may plan your visitation with the kids anyway you want. The kids reservations may actually come from their mom, and sadly without regular contact with the kids it is going to be hard to battle that. Get a lawyer and start a whole new process of visitation, so that the children are more involved in their dads life and the new family he is creating so that in the future there is no resentment. Here is another hard thing, you have no "real" say in how things go with the kids, if they lived with you that would be different but since they don't the best you can do is be supportive of your husband and the difficult situation he is in, he is stuck between his current wife and family and the children that he already has, and he has the same obligations to them as he does to you and your family, but it going to require more give from you then it is from him, it was no secret when you married that he had prior obligations to his children. I really hope you guys find some middle ground and that things work out!

Hi C.,
I am also a divorced parent and I know how hard it is to maintain relationships. What worked for us was to have a consistant schedule that did not change except for special occasions. Even if you live in a different state you have an obligation as the parents to visit your children. You may want to think about setting up a schedule, say every 7-8 weeks you go to Oregon to visit the kids. Find an inexpensive condo that you can rent for the weekend and just have the kids come and be with you. Play games, talk, go for walks, just get to know each other. Try to stay in the same place each time you go to help the kids feel like this is a consistant and predictable relationship. Try to make an effort to go up and be involved in their school activities at least twice a year. Then, when you have this base-line relationship, you can expect the children to want to come with you on trips and longer outings away from their home. And I would be willing to bet that after you have made an effort to be a part of their lives in Oregon they will be more eager to come to your place for visits as well. It may not be fair that you have to be the ones to make this effort but children really shouldn't be asked to do the traveling to visit parents. Perhaps you can make a financial agreement with the other parents to help with the cost of these visits. But, whatever the case, try to remove the issues with the other parents and just imagine what a great bond you can create with those kids with this effort. This is a big investment of money and time that will pay off for all of you in the long run. You really don't have that many years left to create this parent-child relationship. Your step-daughter will be 18 in the blink of an eye.
I wish you luck in this difficult situation,
B.

I have two step children who live with us full time and a son who goes to see his father every other weekend out of state. My stepson is ADHD and I have learned how to deal with this issue and have taught him how to deal with it for himself as well. I believe that you should be seeing the children much, much, much more. This being said, you are CRAZY to think putting an ADHD kid in the car for a long road trip is anything but insane! First off, they don't know you and if you want them to hate you a road trip like that could do it. Second, why in the world would you share your time with them with others until you do have a good relationship with them???

This being said, there is no reason why these children can't fly. I don't care if he has ADHD, he can fly. There are portable DVD players, video games and books that can keep him entertained on the plane. Furthermore, ADHD kids tend to drive others crazy not themselves. If he can attend school, then he can sit on a plane.

There isn't a court in this country that wouldn't allow you to have atleast long term visitation in the summer and half of xmas break. If you want them you should get them. They most likely are more uptight about leaving what they know for somewhere they don't. They need to be in your home and get to know all of you before being put on for show to others.

You personally have the right to want to get to know these children. It is wonderful that you want to. The fact of the matter is that until you get to know the children you need to not be the bad guy in the situation. Being the evil step mom is never a good thing. It is up to your husband to what he is willing to do in court and with the children. You can support him, tell him how you feel, but in the end you have no legal rights to the situation. I know it sucks, believe me, I raise my step children everyday and have 90% of their lives, but I have no legal rights.

I would try to think about how the children in question feel and work from that angle up. They don't know you and are worried they won't. They don't see their dad and aren't comfortable with the new situation. It is up to you and your husband to let them know that you are extremely excited about the time you get with them. I would tell them that you want them to be connected to their new sibling. Include them in everyway you can, and they will be okay. The more you get to spend with them and get to know them, the more they will be willing to make that happen in the long run. Good luck!!!

I'm not sure about the legality of the situation, but in my opinion, my best guess about why your husband's other kids don't want to visit much is because of your new addition. They now have to compete with not only you for their dad's attention, but now there is a baby that gets to live with their dad, and that can be frustrating for kids to deal with. Also, at 13 and 9 they are at the age where they have their friends, activities, etc, and may not want to be bothered with having to go out of state to see their dad, his wife and their baby. Although you care about these children, your husband may need to just take a trip to see his kids by himself. Or have you two considered moving to Oregon so that your husband can be an active role in his kids' lives? That's probably the best thing you could do for those kids given the situation. Not to sound harsh, but their long term well being should be the focus, not that you and your husband are frustrated about trips and plans changing. In my opinion, this is why it is better for women to pick men without previous children. It starts to suck all around for everyone involved. Good luck.

Hi, C.. I'm sorry for the situation you're in...it must be hard. You obviously care a great deal about your step-children and want your own little boy to know his siblings. Totally understandable. I guess my point of view comes from the mother of a 10 yr old son with ADHD and anxiety, too. To say that leaving his own home (comfort zone) to come visit you (who he doesn't know well) and a new brother in a totally unfamiliar environment is stressful is somewhat of an understatement. If it were my son, that scenario would pretty shut him down. You're not just dealing with "children", you're dealing with a "special needs child" - a whole other situation. If the child's best interests were really taken into consideration, it would mean you and your husband going THERE to visit them instead of forcing them to come to you. I know your husband has parental rights, etc and wants to exercise them, but really, so much stress and change to a normal routine for a child with anxiety and ADHD is NOT in his best interest. I wouldn't even imagine making my son do what you want your step-son to do. You say you want to visit places "to make things fun" on your roadtrip - it may sound fun for you (it sounds fun for me, too), but it doesn't sound like much fun for that little boy at all. Kids with ADHD and anxiety need routine, routine, routine and as little change to that routine as possible. We do travel a lot with our kids, but always to familiar places (visiting family, etc) and always with us, their parents. And we take along all my son's meds and supplements, and since he's on a restricted diet, I have to take that into account, too. Other people (even family members) would need a full class just to learn how to manage my son's meds and diet - truly, I wouldn't trust it to anyone else, especially for a length of time as long as 3 weeks. You're in a tough situation, so while I understand your point of view and wish it were easier for you and your husband, I really have to side with the other mother. Just my personal opinion...

I apologize, this is a long response. I too am the second wife, with two younger children of our own, and another on the way. We have been married for 7 years now. The last 7 years have been full of court battles, in hopes to keep some sort of relationship between my husband and his 12 year old son from the first marriage. When you mentioned that your husband is seeking attorney advice, I got a little sick remembering our own struggles. A word of warning, it's not just lawyers fees you will be paying, but a court appointed mediator (you'll have to meet with a mediator everytime a court date is set) that will charge just as much as a lawyer split between you and the ex, a Guardian at Liedam (sp?) who is an "attorney" for the children, and in many of these cases (as ours) a therapist for the child(ren) of the divorce. This adds up really, really fast. It was staggering. When emotions are running high, which they do when we are dealing with our children, we can ignore the bigger picture, and take it too far financially. My husband did. You also mentioned that because you have your own child together, you wonder what your own rights are in the whole thing. As far as the court will see it, none. They only look at the children of the divorce. We lived in CO, and this is where the court was looking at it. They seriously refuse to look at the new wife and the new children. It hurt, deeply. They didn't take our children into consideration with anything. We wanted the whole family to work together. The court didn't, and would get very angry if any mention of our children or me came into the court procedings. It was bizarre. My husband's ex moved without court permission, and even though she was financially sanctioned, still ended up with everything she wanted. It was rarely the same judge that looked at the case, and they don't take the time to look over previous precedings and get angry if you try to refer them back. So even though she'd repeatedly done things that angered the court, it didn't matter because the next judge only looked at what was in front of him/her that day. These are things that I wish someone had warned us of beforehand. That having been said, hopefully his ex will react in a more positive way with attorneys entering in. Maybe she does just need that little push to cooperate more. I sincerely hope so. And I'm sorry if I sounded really "doomsdayish." Like I said, I wish someone had warned us, so that my husband would have stepped back once in a while and re-evaluated.

When did their mom move with them? Over the past 5 years how often have you seen them?