Step-Mom Support

Is there any way to stop the calls? If not...

While I applaud you for not talking ill of his mother, and you shouldn't, you should talk to him about what his mother is doing and how to handle it. Let him know what he can say if he doesn't like what she is saying (if you can't get her to be an adult about it and shut up). Let him know that she is trying to make him feel bad, but he shouldn't, and this is why. Can you put his calls on speaker phone? Hold his hand/hold him while he talks to her? Cut her off if you need to?

I'm so sorry that all of you are going through this.

First, you are incredibly brave for taking this on. Dad needs to talk to her and explain the new rules. He will listen in on speakerphone to her calls, and hang up immediately when she says anything but , "I love you and good night" or "How was your day?". She will get the message in time. Second, let him know that his mom loves him, but she's really mad at Daddy right now (NOT at him) and she says things that she thinks will make Daddy mad or hurt his feelings. An 8 yr. old can understand saying bad things about someone when you're mad, and knows it's not what we are supposed to do. Use examples he can relate to--- peers saying or doing bad things, Daddy hitting his thumb with a hammer and swearing, etc.--- and help him understand that Mommy is so mad right now that she can't help herself. This will let him continue to love his mommy, which he needs to do, whether she deserves it or not. You are talking to someone to help with these problems, and maybe someday Mommy will talk to someone to help her not be so mad. He's living with Daddy to keep him safe, not to make Mommy sad or angry. As with any bad behavior in the family, you hate the behavior, not the person. This is what separates you from her right now. You and Daddy are the anchors he needs to go through this very difficult time. You are so brave for taking him and protecting him from a bad situation, and he will love you all the more when he gets older and understands this a little better. Hopefully, she can see things more clearly down the road, but if not, he certainly will. Good luck, and God bless you. You'll make a great Mommy!

it's unfortunate for the 8 yr old to go through something like this. I am a single mom of three. My kids do not see their dad. I am sure you are in a difficult position, but how do you know what is being said to the boy? I understand you want to help, but you have to let his father deal with what is going on. Even though they are not together anymore, he is still their child. It is their place to make decisions and set boundaries. You can only help with the decisions that are made by them only. Best of luck.

I say record the phone calls from the Mom to the little boy.....if needed have your boyfriend present them to his attorney and limit all contact with his mother until his mother can be a positive role model to the boy. Poor kid!

Is there a court order saying he has to speak to his mother at nights? Record the conversations between the mother and the son. Provide these recordings to the courts and then perhaps she will have to has supervised everything.

Personally if I was the Father, I would do everything in my power to shut down the contact because it is hurting the child.

Be loving and supportive to the child, also mention to the counselor what is going on with the mother and her inappropriate conversations with the child.

Try to get the child to be open and honest with you about how he is feeling and be honest and open with the child while trying to give him age appropriate tools to help deal with how he is feeling about the things his mother is saying.

In time this will backfire on her as long as you (Father and live-in girlfriend) are loving, open, honest, supportive and empowering to the little guy. Just know he will probably always love his mother, which is fine but you have to get him to a place where he is healthy, happy and whole without "needing" her approval.

I will keep you in my prayers.

I agree -- Record those calls. Capturing a person's voice without consent means it cannot be treated as "evidence" in any sort of official or legal way. But at least you will know exactly what is being said so you can determine if you need to pursue a temporary no-contact agreement.

I would also ask for a session with his therapist for yourself and the father. Parenting a child who has been abused takes an emotional toll. You need help to gain the tools needed to face this challenge.

Hi L.~

Excuse my language here, but do whatever you can to shut the B*TCH up NOW!!!! I had a much milder situation than what you describe and was traumatized for a long time. It created trust issues because I had people who were supposed to love me telling me bad things about other people who loved me when I was in one place and then I'd go home and all the things I had just been told didn't make sense.
Your boyfriend needs to talk to a lawyer ASAP and find out if there is a way to 1) limit the phone calls with the wicked witch or 2) muzzle her so that she doesn't upset his son EVERY NIGHT!

I know a little boy whose parents' spilt was also very difficult on him and his two siblings for the obvious & normal reasons.
What wasn't normal or healthy is that years went by and the kids were poisioned by their mothers hatred and skewed view of her part in the marriage ending as well as who 'took her place'.
It was so stressful to even attempt to balance some sort of relationship w/the new step mom, their dad and still go home to mom without guilt or being unmercifully questioned about the who/what/where.
Then you know what happend??... the kids grew up and realized that Dad & Stepmom really were not the monsters that mom had always played them out to be. Actually they were pretty amazing people who loved them and had always done their best to respect their mother even when she made it especially difficult for everyone. They were constantly turning the other cheek.
This was my husbands life as of 12.
He is in his 30's now and has been able to maintain a great relationship with all people involved even though his mother still struggles with the divorce after 20 years and several husbands.
In the end those who treat others with respect, kindness & love without buying into 'the game' end up the cleanest. I hope this encourages you to keep loving through the slander with the knowledge that eventually the dust will settle and all will be revealed.

I am a step-mom of an 11 yr-old boy who says he wants to live with us, but his mom is very manipulative and lies/threatens him to keep him with her. I understand the torment your little family is going through.

I don't agree completely with "let his father handle this" because you are also a figure in this boy's life. Yes, you have no legal right to what happens and depending on how much your boyfriend allows your interaction, it all limits you, but you are there for both the guys in your life. And your boyfriend chose you to be a part of his and his son's life, so I believe that you do have a little right to give input and your opinion.

What I tell my step-son is, "I am not your mother, but I am your friend and I love you and always want whats best for you." Your step-son loves his mother and big brother, but like you said, he has no idea that what was done to him was wrong. Let him know that you understand that he feels bad about what his mom says and as his friend, that you always want what's best for him and that you love him enough to want to keep him safe. And at this time, it is not safe for him to be at his mom's house.

Is there a way to limit contact with Mom at all? Can you record the conversations between Mother and Son? This could help you possibly to keep Mom from screwing with his mind. What Kaye S. said about it not being admissible in Court without her knowledge is true. But you just let her know, during a recorded phone conversation, that all communications will be recorded. Maybe she will stop calling, might think you're bluffing, or whatever...but the point is, if you let her know that you're recording, it can be admissible, whether she thinks you're joking or not.

And let your boyfriend know that you are with him 100% to keep his son safe and happy. Your support is the biggest thing that is needed right now. And what ever you do, try to support him in never backing down from this. This is for the safety and wellbeing of his son! And you guys are very smart not to say anything bad about Mom in front of the boy. Hopefully your struggles won't last too long as he is a little older, but either way, I wish you all the luck in the world from one step-mom to another. God bless you and yours.

All I have to say is RUN AWAY now!! I have dealt with the so called "mother" and she has absolutely ruined 2 girls. I have dealt with this woman for 8 years now and she just can't accept that she is a miserable woman that wants everyone else around her miserable as well. So she has made 2 girls miserable and TRYS to get to my husband and I as well. I used to get involved, but now I have completely stopped. I probably haven't seen or even spoken to this women in over a year and I am the happiest I have been in a loooong time! The youngest is now 15 so luckily we only have 3 more years of paying for that woman's bills (she spends no money on her daughters).

Sorry to be so negative but I am just letting you know that no matter what you do/say, you will always be wrong. Even if you are the better person, you will be wrong because you are the "outsider" You have to have VERY thick skin; if not your relationship will not last. My husband used to say to me "you knew what you were getting yourself into when you married me..." Ummm, no I didn't!! We went thru a really tough time and even spoke of separation, but we decided not to let that woman win. We are stronger than ever now, but still our only arguments we ever have are about his other daughters.

Good luck and I pray for you!!

First, if you want parental rights, be a parent rather than a live in girlfriend, Get married! Getting married shows a REAL committment, not just a dating for sex relationship. Sorry for the crassness, but married means you and he are ready fror a long term permenant relationship and to be a mom.

Second, after you are married, tell your new son you will never be his mother and don't want to take her place, but you are going to be his Mom and will love him and care for him and help him when ever he needs help because that's what real mom's do.

Record the talks between your boy friend's son and his mother. If improper conversations are occuring his father should do something about it. If you become the wife, then you can do something about it.

Good luck.