Step-Parents And Parents

Yes it is possible for bio- and step-parents to get along. Sometimes it is harder than others. You've only spoken 6 times in 5 years, really? That in itself seems odd. Can you take some time and have a conversation with each other. Why does she think you are mean and nasty?

I am fine with my kids step mom as long as I don't hear that she is saying things about me and is nice to my kids. When we go to school things we don't talk. I tried that once and she tried to get my email address. That was pushing it too far. She can have a relationship with her exes but not with her hubbys ex. I discuss everything with him (she gives her input in his decisions,that I understand ) but I call him to discuss our children, not her.

If you only talked ot me six times in 5 years, I would think you were mean too :)

I know it goes both ways, but maybe you could start showing an interest in her on these occasions - on any neutral topics you can find. The kids are not neutral. Ask about movies, vacations, car repairs, whatever! Make an effort. If she or your spouse want to act like the bad guys, let them. You be yourself. Assuming you didn't break up the marriage, there is really no good reason you two shouldn't get along and might not be friends. At the very least the awkwardness might go away, even if the first few times are hard. Let dad deal with the parent issues and you just be another woman at a basketball game.

Alternately, although hard, you could say frankly - ""Loook, it's silly we don't talk more than we do. I have nothing against you, and I hope you know that. You have great kids. Now, how about this new coach? What do you think of him?"

g

Yes it is possible, but both people have to work at it. If bio mom isn't willing to give it a shot, you'll just continue to be frustrated. I am always polite and make it a point not to say bad things about my step-daughter's mom, but I do not get the same respect in return. Although I wish we could all get along, I have accepted that I can only do my part in the situation and my part is to set an example and be a positive role model for my children.

I've gotten along with DH's ex just fine, although sometimes there have been conflicts - mostly because I've overstepped my boundaries (or at least she thinks I have) and she gets defensive very easily. I've been with DH for 11 years (married almost 7) and his sons are now 16 and 17, so I've been in their life a long time. DH and his ex got married very young (she was 19, he was 22) and had the kids 3 and 4 years later, but basically got married and had kids for all the wrong reasons.

I think it just depends on both parties and how willing they are act like mature adults and put their feelings aside for the sake of the kids. DH's ex is the one who initiated their divorce and she's always maintained that she doesn't want to harbor any ill feelings toward him and is happy that he has found happiness with someone else and even now has a daughter with me. Now whether she truly means that, or is just putting on her game face, I don't know, but whatever - I appreciate the effort. There have been many times that I have questioned her parenting skills, before becoming a parent myself, and now that I have a little one of my own, I feel bad about that - I still have my opinions but I have learned to keep them to myself. When there has been an issue, DH generally will support me and understands where I'm coming from, but hasn't always agreed with what I've said or done and ends up stuck in the middle when the boys' mom gets her panties in a twist. We both know that the boys will be the ones who benefit if we can keep in civil, and she's always maintained that she never wants to keep the boys from seeing their father whenever they want. As a result, we've been able to take them on some great vacations (including Disney World twice) and make some wonderful memories because she would rather see them have these positive experiences with someone like me and their dad than not at all, knowing that she can't necessarily provide them herself.

If I had to offer advice it would be this:

For the step-mom: Respect the bio-moms wishes. Do not tell her how to parent her kids. If you have a concern, bring it up with the dad, and have him talk with bio-mom if appropriate, but let them be the parents. Try to do fun things without looking like it's a competition. Respect the kids feelings but also expect them (and bio-mom) to treat you with respect, if you are deserving of it (not every step-mom is - sorry!). Don't talk badly about each other. Recognize that you can't control bio-moms feelings or "make" her like you or agree with you. Realize that it will be a thankless job (for the most part) but it has its own rewards. Hopefully when the kids are grown, at some point, they will appreciate everything you have done for them.

For the bio-mom: Understand that the relationship with the father is over, however it came about. Whatever bad feelings you have, try to work through them and try to let them go. Let the kids have a relationship with the step-mom so they don't feel like their loyalty is divided. Let them see how two adults can get along and work conflicts out. If Dad and step-mom have something fun planned with the kids, let them do it - don't say no or pull other stunts just for the sake of being a jerk. Don't bad-mouth the stepmom. Make sure the kids know you expect them to respect the stepmom, as they should any adult. And if the kids complain about something, don't jump to conclusions - talk it over calmly with dad first and realize that kids often exaggerate and stretch the truth, sometimes just to gain your sympathy (and that goes for stepmom too).

Have you talked with the kid's father (your husband now) about this? Why do you think the bio-mom thinks you are mean and nasty? Have you tried extending yourself and been rejected or do you keep to yourself and she assumes it's because you are being cold and closed off? Remember - it's a 2 way street and like any relationship, communication is key.

BTW, bio-mom and I are friends on Facebook...she says she gets a kick out of seeing pics and hearing stories about my DD (now 3.5 yo).

Have you ever tried to talk to her? Do you smile and say hi at the events or during pick up and drop off? If she has email maybe you can email her and ask if you two can meet for coffee or lunch and talk. Explain that you would like to have a more friendly relationship w/ her.

I'm not divorced but I am a child of divorce. Yes, it is possible for the parents to get along. My parents/step parents have done a wonderful job of it. Not once have they bad mouthed one another in front of me or my siblings. They get along well enough to come to my kids' birthday parties and school events, they even talk to one another while they are there. I'm not saying they're best friends but they've made an effort to get along for us kids. And let me tell you, since my siblings and I are now adults, we know now its what everyone should do. My step siblings mom hasn't been quite as easy to get along with. She pretty difficult actually and constantly bad mouths her ex (my stepdad) to her kids. Well, her kids are getting older (one in college and one in high school) and they are starting to realize how awful she's been. The child that's college age definitely has hard feelings against his mom for how she's acted after the divorce. Unfortunately its been a much worse experience for my step siblings than it was for me and bio siblings.

I'm telling you all that to let you know, no matter how the bio mom acts, you can take the higher ground. The kids will definitely benefit from at least one of you doing the right thing and will grow up to not have hard feelings against you. You ultimately can't control the bio mom but maybe your actions will, in time, change her and her actions.

Yes it is possible but only if both of you are willing to. If both of you are mature and really do have the best interest of the kids in your heart, then it is possible. Depends on if there are any underlying issues that keep her from being friendly, etc. I know that in my personal experience, my ex cheated on me w/his 2nd wife, so I wasn't very nice to her or to him. Not saying that is your situation, just giving you an example. Now, by the 5th wife he has (yes, he's been married 5 times) and several years have passed, I am friendly although there is no longer any need since our dtr is now 19. But anyways, all you can do is control how you behave. You have no control over what she does or says. Take the higher road and understand that she may have some unresolved issues or she is just one that holds onto grudges or whatever for a very long time. They thrive on it in a way. I wouldn't let it bother you. If she has a problem with you, it's her problem.

If both sets of parents can put everything behind them then I think it would be possible. You also have to remember that you are the grown ups and need to set a good example for the kids.