Step Parents.... Please Help Me!

Oh, the joys of step-parenting. I have listened to my husband remind me that our house is a different environment and we shouldn't expect his daughter to "just change" every time she comes over. She is almost 14 years old and she only knows the divorced life. I have been a part of her life since she was 4 months old.

The last time we had this "discussion", I reminded him that she has been doing this her whole life and he should stop enabling her. I also pointed out that she adapts to her friends' houses, grandparents' homes, school rules, etc., so ours should be no different. I think he might have realized that I have trouble adapting, too, since I am accustomed to having a 9 and a 6 year old running around. It is a change for me and frustrating. It is a constant struggle.

You two need to parent ALL of the children in the same manner. Not all facets of rules apply (bedtimes may be different due to age differences), but all manner of expectation should be the same. If your children need to clean their room and privileges are withheld if they don't complete the task, then that is what happens for everyone. Admittedly, it is more complicated when they are the step-children and don't live with you full-time, but there are repercussions that you (collectively) can facillitate.

He also cannot make you the bad guy. All that does is make them resent you and does not assist you parenting them. He needs to support you in the combined parenting plan with all of your children, not just the ones you two made together.

I've been in that boat! Not having my husband participate in disciplining his son is one of the reasons we are divorced. He had no rules for his son who was 6 when we were married. Because his mother had died we had him full time. He had had only his Dad for several months and he definitely resented my appearance even tho he'd known me all of his life.

My ex would not enforce any rules. I ended up being the bad guy and if I had it to do over again I would not be the one to discipline him.

Since then I've read a couple of books about step-parenting and learned that the biological parent should be the one to work out the rules with his kids and then do the disciplining. The step-mother's role is to support her husband. I heard the same thing watching Dr. Phil work with a step mother family.

When the step-parent takes over the role of rule making and discipline the family is not able to build good relationships with each other. I think you're seeing that now.

There is a big difference in ages of his children and yours together children. They can't have the same rules except for the rule to be respectful to everyone and their property and to not engage in physical fights. Enforcing these general rules will be different for the two different ages.

The biological father discusses rules and consequences with the step-mother by themselves and come to an agreement. Then I'd recommend having a family meeting during which the children are included in deciding on 6 or so rules. They also should have input into theconsequences but the father has the final say.

The father needs to tell them that these rules apply even when he's not home and that he is giving you the authority to enforce them. When they complain to him about what you did he has to say you did the right thing. If he disagrees with what you did, the two of you need to talk about it away from the kids.

Now getting your husband to do that is probably the most difficult part. My ex and I were in counseling. The counselor would help the two of us write down a couple of non-negotiable rules and coach my ex on how to present them to his son. However, he never took responsibility for the rules. He said we have these rules and you should do them to keep M. happy. GRRRRRR

Your husband probably doesn't like the tension in your home either. I would use that to help him understand that he needs to step up to enforce rules for his kids. If the two of you can't work it out to both of yours satisfaction I recommend family counseling. I've seen it and heard about it working for other families.

I have been on both sides of the step-parent relationship in two different marriages and each time have had conflict with my partner over our different ways of parenting. There are so many stories I could share and perhaps they would be useful, but honestly I have found only one thing to have really been the catalyst for change. That was taking the weekend away from my family and leaving my spouse in charge completely. It might feel strange or radical, but your children are old enough for you to have a weekend mom retreat (and I am sure you deserve it). This will allow your husband to walk in the shoes of complete authority without having you there to pick up the slack. It also lets him discover his authentic parenting "voice" without feeling like you are there watching his every choice. Men need time alone with their kids to practice being a confident authority figure. Too often we moms don't allow that to happen for long enough, or frequent enough, periods of time. I encourage you to try it, even if you just end up camping out at a friend's house.

K M is absoultly right! I have found from all the neighborhood kids I have 'collected' over the years that an undisiplined child is not realy a happy child. They may act like it's all a party but all they realy want is to feel like they are part of a family with parents that care enough to guide them. All kids want to be loved, and setting boundries is just that. Disipline is realy his job for your step-kids. Disipline from someone they do not have complete respect for is just meaness to a kid and that is what position he is putting you in. Not to mention how the others feel that they don't get such special treatment.

You need to make very clear that you will not put up with your husbands inabaility to hold his children accountable. Ultimatley if he does not follow thru you will not be able to change this and the children will suffer. Sorry but you married into this and really should have seen this coming.

Perhaps speak with the mother and get her help.

You're getting good counsel as to how a family ought to be, and how your husband should support you, etc. Oughts and shoulds are good only in theory, however. The trick is how to get theory down to earth and into practice.

There are some good systems and techniques for effective communication, and it sounds to me as though you are having trouble communicating and being heard in a way that meets your needs. One system that I have employed that has helped turn around some seriously frustrating situations is NVC, or Non-Violent Communication. It teaches us how to listen respectfully for the needs of others as well as ourselves, to distinguish between feelings (natural and legitimate) and concepts (often loaded with judgement and more provocative than helpful), and to express our feelings and needs in a way that others can hear.

You'll find many sites online that can explain NVC in more detail, but here's a good starting point: http://www.earthlingcommunication.com/blog/the-nonviolent...

My best wishes to you. You are in a difficult spot. Don't give up hope without trying some new tricks that can empower you and bring sanity to this tough situation.

It sounds like he has the typical guilt of divorced parents and is trying to make up for the disheaval in their lives, which is not a good thing for the kids or for you, and is one of the reasons second marriages fail more often than first marriages. He may not ever change his ways, but I'd do everything I could to convince him. Maybe narrow the issues down to about three and put a post it note on the bathroom mirror (1.privileges are earned 2.strong marriage=strong home 3.__________).

These kids are going to become worse and worse and have no respect for authority or the law, since they are learning at home that they can do as they please. We see it all the time; they grow up and have no discipline in life (can't/won't keep a job, get in trouble with the law, always coming around looking for money, into drugs/alcohol, too selfish to maintain healthy romantic relationships, etc.) It may not seem like a big deal now to him since they are kids, but he is teaching all the wrong things.

I would want to nip this in the bud. You might beg him to read the book John Rosemond's Six Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children. He explains why discipline (not the same as punishment) is so vital for their wellbeing and happiness, and gives a lot of strategies for teaching them self discipline for life.

Also, to put it in the love and logic pattern, you/he would say "feel free to partake of ________ (privilege) as soon as your room is clean". That puts it on them, that it is up to them to be motivated to earn the privilege. It doesn't much work to tell them what to do, and then feel like a jerk when they don't. Tell them what you will do: "I get out the video games when the bedrooms are clean".