**Strained Relationship with Overbearing Mother-in-Law**

There is a book called "The Mother-In-Law Dance: How can two women love the same man" that addresses all of these issues and gives wonderful advise.

Merry put it pretty straight!! His mom needs to cut the apron strings, you are the female that is responsible for taking care of him now!! He is not a little boy any more and has his own family to support and take care of!!

S.

CHRISTINA,
I'D LIKE TO SHARE A THOUGHT FROM A daughter in law as well as a mother in law's. perspective, because I am both. I have 3 fabulous adult children and 2 adorable grandchildren, and 3 wonderful inlaws. I have been married for 35 years. My mother in law is now deceased, but we had a cordial but distant relationship for most of those years. Never any real battles, just a cool distance. I realize now that not being close to her was a huge missed opportunity for me. She had a perspective on my husband that no one else could have. We both loved him. She had knowledge about his childhood, his development and his personality that no one else could have. She was also the grandmother to my children. Not only did I miss out on being close, there was a cost to my children. My husband always supported me, but I know it was stressful for him that the two women in the world he loved most weren't close. In the later years we did become closer, but the missed years remains one of the unresolved regrets of my life.

I am not suggesting that you don't assert your position as the wife and mother. Certainly you should do that and you need to be the woman of your home. But, what I would encourage you to do is talk things out with your mother in law. Tell her that you are establishing the patterns and parameters for your newly changed family, and that you don't want there to be tension between the two of you.She can be a great ally. If she is not a talker, then maybe you don't need to address it so directly. Maybe just give her a call when your husband is not there and tell her something your daughter did. Ask her for a receipe or a picture. When the time is right you can tell her what the "rules" are about your role. Just make some movement in her direction. Talk with your husband and let him know that you want to have a relationship with his mother, and that you are going to be working on it. He will love you for it. You can be the "BIG" person in this matter without "giving in" It is one of the skills of all successful mothers, and you have a chance to practice it with your mother in law, instead of your daughter. I was once told that in matters of relationships, we always have a chice. "We can be right, or we can be happy". Unless your mother in law is really a monster, which I doubt, she longs for a close relationship with your daughter, and with your husband. And even if she isn't wild about you, she will realize that it is to her advantage to have a relationship with you as well. She may not have the communication skills, or the relationship skills to make the first move. Obviously you are sensitive in this area, so you have the chance to be the one who moves it forward.
It may take time and work, but growing your relationship skills now will only help you be a better wife and mother. How you handle this could set an important pattern for your future.

Having a baby doesn't teach you everything you need to know to be a great mother. It is a learned skill. So is learning to be a great mother in law. I know that I struggle, and sometimes I don't do it right. My daughter and 2 sons, my 2 beautiful daughters in law and my great son in law are helping me to learn. I call the in laws when I know their spouses are not home, I try to respect their roles and their space, I try to keep my mouth shut when I have a strong preference which differs from theirs in their territory, I try to offer help without meddeling. Sometimes I do it right, and sometimes I make mistakes. But we keep the lines of communication open, and so far, it is working well.

I wish you the very best, and encourage you to take the first step, and be bigger than the upset. This is huge for your family and your future happiness, and making the effort to have it not be just good, but great, will be a worth it for all concerned. Good luck!

It's rare not to I have been married a few times I've only had one mother-in-law I loved and still do to this day. The one's that have treated me like an outsider, made rude comments are to this day still alive but thankfully I don't have to tolerate them since I had no children with those 2 husbands. I can say this do not base your life, feelings about yourself, your family or your relationship with your husband on her actions. She is choosing not to get along with her daughter-in-law by making what she know as an adult to be insults and jabs because she is sad that her little boy is grown up and has a women that has in her eyes taken her place, since for many years she was the only women figure in his life. Trust me that's why and I'm sure if you ever talked to any girls he even went to the movies with in high school that met her she's always been this way and maybe worse since he got married. Maybe in time as she gets older she with realize you are an a gained family member just like our children, parents, aunts, uncles (you get the picture) you can pick your friends but not your family not even the ones married into it.I can tell you stories from my past mother in laws and my sisters mother in law that she's had to deal with for almost 25 years that would make your hair stand on end but rather then do that I'd rather give some support to you. After my experience I have found now remember I've had 4 mother in laws 3 that were not pleasant to be around one that I loved to this day so I can speak from experience. I have found it best not to put my husband in the middle and to realize she has the problem I read books made my boundries and said to myself "I will be the pleasant one, I will do my best (with gods help) to over look her rudeness, insults, insinuations and comments because she after all has issues she is unable to resolve with either herself as being a mother or issues with her self or maybe with god" then I'd leave the relationship as that is my husbands mother I will treat her as I would like to be treated I know I can't change her I will be polite and over look her bad manners. It's hard but it can be done. On holidays I would stay with the kids and talk to other adults I never struck up a conversation with my rude mother in laws nor did I get into a group conversation she was involved with. I didn't have to bubby up to my rude mother in laws and I had fun anyway. No one said you have to be best friends and trust me you aren't missing out on anything if this is what she has to offer...it's his mother let him enjoy her. You don't have to put him in the middle let him know your boundries in regards to her live your life with your husband and child. By boundries I mean set them for ex: I am not willing to go out alone with my mother in law shopping as if we are best friends on mother in laws day, I will send her flowers period. Those boundries ex: If she steps over the line and says something rude like I don't wash my childs hands enough I may have to say to her in front of other that she's being rude and I will not accept that behavior. Those kinds of things but you have to decide on your own what your boundries are going to set in fact there are many books on such a subject I urge you to take a look at the book store I find Book a Million to have a great selection and have many on sale and discount. This relationship may not get easier and try your best not to put him in the middle by having him have to have talks with her about all her rude stuff or it will put a strain on both of you and your relationship...see even if he tells her she rude she doesn't care and it doesn't change her either. My best wishes to you on handling this situation.

Wow, one can't feel alone with all these responses. I dealt with much of the same when my first was born. It has gotten better over the last three years. There is something about the birth that causes them to try and stake out a piece of territory. MIL talks about me even on the phone in my own home. What I have come to realize is that it is much harder for my husband to be around her than me. B/c he is the bread winner, I am stuck with her and the babies when she visits. So I have to manipulate the situation so that she spends a lot of time with my husband and children while I disappear as much as possible. Then my husband goes nuts and I get to be sympathetic and supportive of him! This has been crucial for our relationship. He now sees the importance of setting clear boundaries with his mother. If I had continued to allow him to disappear while she visited, he was happy to pass the problem on to me. He used to say, "There nothing we can do, she's the grandma." Not anymore! He was always her favorite child. Someone once told me that being the favorite is NOT a good thing. This will be possible for you when your child is less dependant on you. I do not believe that having your husband stand up for his family is putting him in the middle. Their relationship is the true cause of the problem. Make him address it. I deal with my mom; he deals with his.
I'll be thinking about you! N.

Hi there-
I am speaking from my own mother's personal experience...A strained relationship with her mother-in-law that went on throughout my entire childhood. Looking back, now that I am an adult, I can see where my Dad, with the best of intentions, went terribly wrong. He too felt "stuck" in the middle and felt like this was something the 2 women should work out themselves, since it had nothing to do with him. It makes sense. BUT, in taking a backseat to the situation, he wasn't able to put his marriage, his WIFE first. The wife, the new baby, the new family unit you guys have created - THAT all comes first. It's hard to say as a mother, but one day my son will be all grown up and I can only hope that he will love and cherish his wife - and support her no matter what. I hate to say that your husband has to "step up to the plate" - I do realize it's a hard position for him as well. Set the expectations and boundaries with your mother-in-law NOW - don't wait until your family expands and the kids get older. It is your husband's job to help do this - after all, it is his mother. She feels closer and safer with him than with you - It only makes sense that HE be the one to make things crystal clear. I wish you nothing but the best - I have seen this situation break my own mom's heart, so try and work on it sooner than later. Hang in there!

it sounds like u know what it is, u married her baby and now she is acting like a jealous girlfriend..ur husband may need to re establish himself with his Mother now that he has taken on a Wife. there is a shift in heirarchy if the relationship was already off balance. so for u a humble display of power may be ur best move. call her up on ur own and kill her with kindness. open by saying i would love to get to know u better, becuz neither of us r going anywhere. and we have 2 major things in common already the 2 people that we each deeply love.......being the bigger person is the trick cuz she wants u 2 b intimadated

I have kind of the same thing going on with me, but my mother in law lives 20 min away. She was in a car accident about 10 years ago and my husband was told that she was not going to make it. After several brain surgeries. She pulled through.I was not in their life at that point however she is mid 50 and she has the mentality of a 16 yr old. She tries to compete with me in my house. I am nice when she calls. I tell my husband how mad she made me at night. I more or less bite my tongue with her, however I have learned that instead of having my husband deal with the issues all the time. I need to stand up for myself and my children. If she decides that she wants to get mad the she can, but I feel better when I finally address what needs to be on my own. My husband doesn't mind me doing that, because it takes him out of the middle. When she says something to him about what I said. He just tells her that is my wife and I support her. So Anyway I am not sure how much this helped. Good luck

i could probably fill a book with all the stuff my MIL has done to make my life miserable over the years...however, this last year, her and I have really managed to get along and work through our issues.
What had happened was, my husband (huge mamas boy) got angry at me over something. Of course, he called his mother. He made some pretty hateful comments about me to her, (I can't say to much, I did the same with my mom...) and she told him to teach me a lesson by leaving me with our three kids for a while and not offer any support finicially for the kids. Her exact words were, "Let her see how awful being a single mom would be and she will start treating you quite a bit better."
My husband actually took offense to this comment because she told him to abandon his kids and in my hubby's eyes, that is the worst thing in the world. He actually told her off (which amazed me, I didn't think he had it in him) and didn't talk to her after that for 3 months.
It was such a quiet three months....lol
However, I knew it wasn't good for him to treat his mother like this and I started having empathy for this woman, thinking "how would I feel if my kids weren't talking to me?".
I ended up contacting her through email (figured it would be easier then trying to talk to her on the phone) and informed her I knew what she had said and that I didn't appreciate it, but we needed to come up with a way to fix the relationship with her and her son.
To this day she still denies saying it, but I choose to ignore that factor, as well as anything else she has to say to me about the kids. Her and my hubby have fixed their relationship, not to what it was before, but they are talking at least.
When she tries to put her two cents worth in on how I raise or disipline our children, I tell her that it seems to be working for me right now, but if I need advice on what to do, I will call her.
Also, I do try at least once a month to call her for advice on something with the kids. I never take the advice, but I let her give it and tell her its a good idea. Ever since she pulled that with my hubby, I am more open to stand up for myself against her and manage to control my relationship with her fairly well.
So, I guess my advice would be, let her do it under your control (like my phone calls) and anything else just brush off.
Also, keep in mind that she is still getting used to sharing her son with you. Having a baby just nails in the fact that you are probably going to be around for a lot longer then expected. I actually thought my MIL would point out all I did wrong in hopes of my husband "coming to his senses" and realizing how awful I was so she could have him back to herself. No one wants to be in second place and when a son gets married, Mom gets moved from #1 female to #2.

PS- she came into town last month and made a comment on how warm my house was...I (with as much concern for her as I could muster) asked her very seriously, "Do you think you might be having a hot flash? I could get you something to drink if you think it would help lower your body temp..."
(one point for J., ha ha ha!)

My relationship with my mother-in-law seemed fine until I had my first baby. Then her true colors came out. If you can put a positive spin on it, at least now I know the real her. She was a b**** to me and I spent so much time crying it wasn't even funny. My son is now seven and I also have a two year old daughter. It did seem to get better as my son got older; I will tell you that. She still makes the critical comment from time to time; but it is much better now. So keep in mind that it will get better.

It has a lot to do with her self esteem and nothing to do with me; I've come to realize. People get crazy about babies and they think their way is the only way. I do not agree with a lot of the things she did (and things are so different now). She didn't understand my doing things different than her. One of those mind set in its ways things. You did the right thing by telling your husband to intervene. One of the mistakes I made is that I did not stand up for myself. I have some now to find that the best thing to say is;

We will just have to agree to disagree on that subject.

That will shut her up until the next time.

Hope it gets better, T.

P.S. I want to add, that when all of this started happening; I really tried to reach out to them (my in-laws) and started sending emails, calling, inituating visits. I took the incentive to try to make sure they were involved and also to try to make a relationship (so they could see that even though I did things differently, I wasn't all bad). I did this for a couple of years; always hitting brick walls and did not help and sometimes made things worse (the more they got to know me; the more they had to criticize). I finally realized that it didn't matter if I was Mother Theresa and perfect in every way; they would still criticize me and talk about me. Once I figured this out, and saw that it really was about them (being jealous of my role and power in their son's life) and not about me; I was able to not let it bother me anymore. Now, my husband stays in contact and I tolerate and I am polite when I need to be; and that is it. It is sad; and I wish things were different, but I have come to realize that is the reality of the situation; and I have done all I can. I can let go of it and live my life; and I am proud of my job as a mom.

I too had this problem. I am married to a momma's boy and it wasn't just her but by sister-in-law as well. When my husband and I had our daughter we lived only 2 hours from them. When we would visit them or they would visit us it was the same. I never did anything right, they held her 24/7 regardless if she was sleeping or not and they interfered with her eating like cutting the nipple on the bottle bigger because they thought she wasn't getting enough to eat. That was 10 years ago. My mother had the best advise and it is advise that she lives by her whole life. BE HONEST WITH THEM. Speak your mind. So what if she gets angry. At least she knows where you stand. I suffered for 8 years before using this advise and I hated walking on eggshells and hearing my husband say, you can't say this or you can't say that because they are overemotional. You don't get anywhere and no one knows how the other is feeling. Get it out in the open and talk about it. You can't fix something if you don't know it is broken. Tell her yourself. Don't let your husband do it because he will downplay how you feel. I now have a 3 year old son and we did things differently with him. She knows where I stand and I know where she stands and she realized that I have to raise my kids my way just like she raised her's her way. Talk about it just the two of you and you will feel better.

Boundaries are sooooo important in every relationship, especially involving marriage and family. Are lines being crossed in these areas?
I would ask myself some important questions (some of these are tough to think about...sorry): Is there a history of your husband strongly standing with his mom on important issues? Or does he "waffle" and you have to ask him to stand up to her? It sounds as if there are competitive issues and perhaps a history of the mother-in-law "getting her way" alot and expecting it. Could you be harbouring some anger with your husband as you'd like him to "cleave" to you now that you are his primary relationship? Then your mother-in-law "acts out" and your anger is turned toward her? I'm NOT saying she is blameless at all! But there is underlying insecurity that can be routed out and frankness that will lead to fuller relationships for all of you! Do you feel YOU can talk gently with his mom or must he handle all of the communication between the two of you? (AGAIN, that may sound harsh, but something to think about.)
Also, be sure you have friends and activities of your own. Having a 4 month old is WONDERFUL but there is a need for YOU time too! Don't let your interests die! You are still the creative, intelligent woman you always were! The only difference is you are now a mother, too! FIND BALANCE & time with your husband as well! HAVE A DATE NIGHT WITH YOUR HUSBAND! You have many hats to wear now, self, mother, wife, daughter and they can all become difficult! TAKE TiME FOR YOU, DEAR! Blessings to you!!

Your key words were "came in town". It could be worse - she could live down the street! Mine would come to town once a year. There were some years I put a calendar on the garage wall and counted down the days until the end of the visit. I put in my mind that I could endure anything/anyone for a limited period of time, including my mother-in-law. I also did the phone thing with my husband. Start sending pictures of your daughter to keep her up to date. That way she's connected without your having to talk to much. When she comes to visit - take that opportunity to get away by yourself and see a movie or visit friends. Let her babysit, unless she could physically harm your daughter. Good luck.

Those MIL. Why can't they just find something else to do. I had the same problem so I decided to only see her 4 times a year and it's getting better but she's constantly begging my husband to send the kids to her for two or three weeks. Well, number one the living conditions are terrible and I would be afraid for my kids. She use to come to our house for a week a year, don't know what happen but I'm glad she stopped. My thing is make her uneasy. Find something that annoys her and just keep doing it.:-)

You may not like what I have to say, but it has made my life a lot easier.. My mother-in-law was and probably still is overbearing. She drove me crazy when I had my first. She would constantly make comments of what I needed to do to take care of him. Then once he got a little older she would completely overide things I would say - such as "No I don't want you to have that lollipop" and then she would get one for him anyway. We had several little fights - where it would come down to her crying and we would make up - but it really never changed her. What did change, was me. What I've found is that I need to be the stronger person and not let her annoying or rude comments get me down. I just let it slip off my back and it makes life soo much easier than dwelling on it. Now when Nanna is around or we are at her house I let the kids go by her rules. If they ask me to do something I send them on to their Nanna to ask, because I know no matter what I say will probably be overrided by her or my Father-in-law. (who can also be overbearing)Then I don't get hurt feelings because what I said was discounted. This really truly helped me. There are some things of course that you have to stick to your guns about, but most of it, in the long run, is not all that important. Then when we are at home again or Nanna is not around, I simply tell them that they have to go back to abiding by my rules now. My oldest is now 12 and I'm glad I have come to this conclusion and wish I hadn't wasted the first 3 years being so upset and angry about the whole situation. Letting anger fester is not going to hurt the person it's directed at it is only going to hurt you. I see that you said your mother-in-law does not live in town with you, that's good, you only have to deal with it on the phone or on visits. So make the most of those visits, know that you are not going to see eye to eye -turn up the air (I have to do this for my mother-in-law too) and just relax.
My husband's cousin just had a baby and is very close to my mother-in-law and is dealing with all her little comments, and going behind her back doing things that she doesn't want done (MIL snuck and gave her baby a bottle of sugar water when she had told her that the doctor said that she shouldn't do that and she didn't want to give it to her)- has called me for feedback, because it makes you start doubting your mommy intuition and knowledge. I just tell her to be strong and know that she is doing what is best for her baby. Good Luck!

Christina,

I've read the responses here and there is plenty of good advice. My son is also 4 months old, although my husband and his mother don't get along so I don't have to deal with her too much :) I do however, have experience with her type of person and I'd have to say this: We teach other adults just as we teach our children to respect us.

In your case, with her living a good distance away, I'd let the smaller stuff roll off my back. You're probably not going to completely change a woman her age and it is important to not put too much strain on your husband. However, when it comes to your child's health and discipline DON'T LET HER OVERRIDE YOU. You know what's best for your own child. If you let her get away with too much now, she'll never respect your decisions when it comes to your little one and that wound will always fester. Every time she ignores one of your rules in front of your daughter when visiting, your daughter will learn that she out powers you. Your child should have more respect for her parents than any other adults in her life.

If you have to explain yourself to your husband, let him know your opinion of her behavior, where the line is, and how you are going to deal with it when she crosses it. Whatever you do decide to do, know where your line is.

Christina,

I am in the middle of a similar situation right now and have been for 2 years. I LOVED my husband's family until I became pregnant--that's when it started. My mother in law turned into a competitive, jealous, baby obsessed lunatic. Her niece had a baby the same time as me, so it turned into a showdown between my MIL and her sister for the grandma of the year award. Because of her behavior, and because I refuse to let my daughter be used in the silly games, I started spending less time at family events--who wants to be around someone who is constantly competing with you? This of course brought tension between myself and my husband, actually causing us both to consider divorce. My husband talked to her about all of this and she admitted that she is jealous of her sister, me, my mother--pretty much everyone-- and also seems to think that my ONE YEAR OLD can make up for all of her problems, poor life decisions etc. My Husband and my MIL both seem to think the problem is solved, but she's just as bad even now (just more subtle and sneaky about it, which of course my DH does not see--he's a man:)) and, truthfully, I don't want this crazy woman to have any influence over my daughter so I suspect I'll continue to keep my distance as much as possible while still keeping the peace for my husband's sake. I wish I had nipped this in the bud when it started instead of letting it get so out of hand, which is the only advice I can give you (obviously I haven't a clue how to fix it). I don't know if this was helpful at all, other than to know you're not the only one. Good Luck!

LOL... I actually got this from my own mom. I was a single parent,27 and knew nothing about caring for a baby..to hear her talk. She was with me the week prior to giving birth,went home and came back two days later when I had my son. She and my granny stayed for a long week after the birth. She is a LPN to make it worst.She would sit on her tush,rocking my son,telling me what to do . I did all the cooking,cleaning ,and care for my son. She was just there to "spoil" him seeing how he was her first grand. I was never so glad when my own mom left. I was exhausted when she left. I think this is something we all go thru. I really think they mean well,but it is very annoying. My mom and me don't have the best relationship now because it didn't stop then,she still tries to tell me how to do things.All I can say to this is... remember this when your kids have children and try not to be like them. I have also been there with my now step daughter. She has three small children and she calls me for advice. When she does,my mom flashes before my eyes and I try to refrain from the laughter.I just tell her we have to live and learn and figure something out.She laughs at me.

I would think since her visit came closely after the birth of your baby, your hormones had something to do with how you reacted to her unsolicited advice and behaviour. Your hubby is definitely in the middle on this. He loves you but also loves his Mom. You might help break the ice the next time she calls by inquiring how she is and when she says "fine" or whatever she says, add that you are feeling much better now too. You can even drop a remark about your "hormones" finally leveling out where you feel more human again. You are still holding your ground rules but it will give her an opening to say more than "can I speak to sonny". This is his mother and if you stay married to her son will be a part of your life until she dies. Life is too short to have a lot of stress over a relationship. Hopefully her visits will be kept short in the future and you can find the middle ground since you both love the same man and want the best for him. I never "loved" my mother-in-law but did learn how to tolerate her. She was always jealous of her children's relationship with their spouses and I don't think she ever really liked any of them. I had her in my home the nearly last 2 years of her life and it was not easy but I did not get into a confrontation with her and tried to make things as easy for my husband as possible. We have been married nearly 43 years now and she has been dead about 5 years. My husband has been much happier in the last years without her constant criticism but he can live with himself knowing he fulfilled any responsibility he may have had to look after his Mom.

Yes, I too was blessed withan over bearing MIL who disrespected me right in the presense of my husband and he was such a mama's boy that he could not stand up to her. The last strawcame on evenifn when she physically attaked me and my husband defended her sayinf laer that he thought I was attacking her.All i was trying to do was to keep her off of me. I never laid a hand on her. that was the end of our reltionship and the beginning of the end of my mrriage. I could not live with a man who let his mother attack me and then attacked me in return. Stand your ground and tell you husband that it is his responsibilty to have her honor you in your household as his wife and your baby'd Mom. Good Luck to you!
Feel free to email me personally if you'd like to talk more about this situation.
K.
The MOM Team
www.enhanceyourlifeonline.com

Hi Christina:
I have experienced this and it is a hard place to be in. My husband felt the same way. He loves his mother and he loves me, so why should he have to choose. It never ultimately came down to that, but I just have learned to overlook some things she does or says. I keep my personal life "personal" and tell her only what I want her to know. I stopped expecting my husband to fix it. It really wasn't his fault. He was in a bad place. So, now we are fine. I don't bring it up and his mom seems to respect me more, since my husband is not running to her telling her what not to do. She realizes that I am a big girl and I will tell her when she is crossing the line, but I choose my battles. It really just took me standing up to her and saying, this is my family and my children and I am going to make the best decisions I can, and we may not always agree. She has respect for that now and does not cross the line. So, basically, my advice is to not let it interfere with you and your husband's relationship. That might just make her happy. And stand up for yourself, your family will be better in the long run and relationships will not suffer.

If she lives out of town and you only see her occasionally, be the bigger person and try to be polite to her as much as you can. If she says something like the heat is at 80, try not to take it personally. Just say no, it's at 72 and I'm sorry if you are uncomfortable. It will be better for your marriage and happiness in the long run. I've been thru this with my in -laws, dread their visits. But my kids love them and it is so much easier for my husband if I make an effort to get along. Had a friend with a worse situation than this and she mad a huge effort and it paid off for her too. You will have peace in your heart. I know how hard this is. But, trust me, it's worth it as long as your husband feels your pain and understands how hard you are trying.

YES!!! My mother-in-law wants very much to be the matriarch in a large, extensive family. (She would love to be the one who is adored, revered, and listened-to among her children's families.)

For a long time I found her overbearing and RUDE. I didn't like, for example, her referring to my daughter's "hoochie" or her seemingly Oedipus-reversal doting on my husband. To him, this was what he'd grown up around and felt it was normal. I would complain to him and he even said, "I feel like you're trying to make me choose between you and my mom." To which I immediately responded, "First of all, I wouldn't do that and second, if I did, it better not be a hard decision!"

Turns out, my mother in law really is overbearing and impossible. (not just a daughter-in-law's mistaken perception) Unfortunately, all did come to a head a few years ago and now she is not really seen or spoken to much -- in our house or any of her other children's homes. But, that's a really lousy solution and I hope it's not the solution for you.

I do think that's the exception and not the rule. Most MILs want to be helpful and involved. Most do have to learn that they need to step back and except your position of Woman of the House but most will. They remember their own situations with MILs. I think the best solution from the little I know of your situation is for your husband to have a talk with his mother explaining to her that this is HIS home and HIS family. That she'll have to bite her tongue with the too-much-unsolicited advice or her visits will get fewer.

The most important thing is that he make it clear that this is not a Mom vs. Wife thing. This is a "making our family work out well" thing. My husband didn't do so good a job at that and his mother does see me as a rival. YOU and your daughter are is family and his first priority. If he needs to see it in scripture (the Bible) to make him feel less like a bad son, it's there. Like it or not, it is HIS job. He may whine and complain and say, "But it's you that has the problem -- not me." But this is not about individual people solving individual problems. This is about establishing the new order. He is no longer Mommy's boy: he is Christina's husband and now a father.

I really hope your MIL is the norm and not like mine. If you do have a bad situation, I have been there and you can feel free to send me a personal message if you need to talk more. Good luck!

I to am a stay at home mom of five. When I was expecting my fourth child I had to spend my last two weeks before delivery with my in-laws. For years my mother-in-law compared me to her daughter who is a stay at home mom of four. She was constantly making comments of how my sister in law home taught her children, how she kept her house so organized and many other things. I first asked my husband to speak with her as you did. When this did not work I finally bit the gun and told her how I felt.I told her that I was not perfect and she was not either. I told her that i loved her very much and wanted her to be a part of my life and part of my children's lives but that I was not going to walk on egg shells every time she was around. I told her she was going to have to except me the way that I was and that she was going to have to except the way that my husband and I was raising our children. If she could not except these terms then I asked her not to visit in our home again. When I finally said all the things I had kept to myself for so long she and I were able to start over fresh and we now have a great relationship with one another.

I think it is almost an instinct for a daughter-in-law to feel like her mother-in-law is in competition with her after a new baby. Don't worry. She will never be your baby's mom or your husband's wife. Anything she says that is a comment about anything is going to sound like a criticism of you. When she started playing the games, it might have been because she didn't know what else to do because she could feel that she was not really being helpful. Be glad when she plays the games; I would buy her some more to keep her going. She really just wants to maintain her relationship with her son. Don't begrudge them that but let him interact with her mostly and don't interfere with that. Don't make him feel stuck; if you don't put up a fight, there won't be a fight. She isn't going to take him away. Also, don't worry about her relationship with your baby; that is their relationship; just let it be. It will never take the place of yours. I have experienced this and it was so hard. Now my mother-in-law is 92; things got easier as years passed. I think if you can keep visits short but regular it will help.

"Has anyone else *NOT* experienced this" is probably a better question. It's practically a universal truth that MILs drive people crazy.

Don't drag your husband into this or make him take sides. You and your MIL are both adults and need to be able to resolve these differences on your own.
And I'd recommend getting more computer games for her next visit - that should keep her out of your hair a little more.

Most MILs *will* drive you crazy, at least a little bit, especially when there's a new baby around. Try not to get too upset over little things like her saying she's hot, even if she is off by a few degrees.

It might help to put it in perspective - hearing how much worse it *can* be made the MIL situation easier for me to bear. I have a Chinese co-worker, Lin, who asked me to come to lunch with her one day - she wanted to talk about the problems she had been having with her MIL since her new baby (2nd child) showed up. Both of her in-laws came to live with her for about a YEAR after the second child was born. In Chinese culture, for reasons I don't quite understand, the mother has a lower status in the family than the MIL, and it is considered extremely disrespectful to argue with her. The wife (and mother) is expected to be subserviant to her in-laws (even in her own home.) And her MIL was riding her, saying that she shouldn't be nursing, she should be giving him rice cereal now (the baby was 2 months old), he's eating too much, etc. EVERYTHING she did was wrong.

Part of the reason they were so angry is that Lin refused to take her 2nd child to China to be raised by the in-laws for the first year or two, which is customary. She did that with her first son - when he was a few months old, they flew to China and they took care of the infant while she came back to the U.S. to work. She was miserable. After a year and a half, they flew back to China, but her boy had bonded with the grandparents and was terrified of her. She spent a few weeks trying to bond with him, but in the end they decided that he should stay another year in China. She came back to work, and she was crying every day in her office. She finally was able to bring her first child to the U.S. when her was around 4, but within a year, she was pregnant again, and that's when then in-laws decided they needed to come here and run the household "for her".

I hope your situation seems a little more bearable on hearing this. It certainly helped me.

Hi, they either come around, or just let it go life is too short. ......good luck okay....

I think you are the woman of the house. You are the wife and mother now. Maybe it is time to gently talk with your mom in law and let her know how you feel. She might respect you more because of it.
good luck

Christina,

I feel your angst. I had a situation that was sort of similar but ended up in tragedy. My previous mother-in-law complained about everything I did also. According to her, I wasn't dressing the baby right, was too overbearing, etc. I was respectful and limited my visits. I also did not let her dictate my child's upbringing. She was a chain smoker, as was everyone else in the house. A major concern for me and my daughter, an asthmatic at the time (which herbs cured later, thank God). I thanked her for her advice, and said, "...I do things different, or we're doing it our own way." In all fairness to you, your husband needs to speak up in your defense. You are the child's mother and his wife, that's why the Bible speaks of cleaving to your spouse. In that light, it was with great sorrow that I lost Mike to suicide. His mother even tried to blame that on me not loving him and seeing the signs early enough. My dear, he had problems from his childhood that I had no control over and only a psychotherapist (which this proud soldier refused to see) could help him with. My mother-in-law is also deceased now, but I'm thankful to say that we eventually had a mutually respectful, yet at a slight distance relationship. I forgave her, as my God tells me I should, so that I will be blessed. I even helped take care of her on her death bed, until her daughter arrived from D.C. Sorry to be a little wordy, but if your mom-in-law wouldn't sweat the small stuff and respect you as wife and mom she won't be one of those lonely folks in the final analysis and have the grandchildren not be friendly with her. I hope you received this message w/the love in my heart that was intended. Your friend in GA, A.