Stressful Pregnancy - Thank You Mama's

I just wanted to thank everyone for your kind support of my post about my stressful pregnancy. Even though I feel very alone and sick and fearful...your words helped me not feel so alone or fearful (the sick part is still there though!).

I have truly just isolated myself from anyone who can't be supportive or who is using my life circumstance as a way to have their own needs met. I don't understand people who would do this to a pregnant woman who is in crisis and it hurts me. But, I can't let myself think about all of that because it is bad for the baby. I just found out I have high blood pressure (I've only ever had the low end of normal blood pressure) and I've been getting insane headaches. Part hormones, part stress. I need to be better to myself for the baby so I am starting counseling next week.

In the meantime, I asked my husband to leave. I said he could come back when he was ready to be good for me and the baby, but not until then. I understand his feelings, but don't understand his unrelenting anger and blame and telling me how horrible he'll be for the baby. He's fearful of being like his dad. But I also found out I have gestational diabetes and he said I have not right to feel scared or complain because "im choosing it" because of choosing the baby. thats when i told him, calmly so i didnt hurt the baby, that i didn't want to participate in such pointless and mean spirited arguing and he needed to leave. He said he was sorry i felt that way and that he loves me but would leave if i wanted him to. I love him too but can't be around his child like tantrums. I know he loves me but maybe we will work through this better together if we aren't around each other so much.

Anyways, sorry to vent more. I will start counseling next week and in the meantime have time to sleep. I'm so tired. I want this baby even though I didn't think I would ever want kids. I don't feel bonded to him yet (It's a boy!) but i talk to him and for some reason when I tell him how much i love him and will make sure he only ever knows love from his mama and his daddy will come around. I seem to feel a little better.

My husband is a very kind and giving loving human being. His response is nowhere near what anyone who knows him could ever imagine. This is how I know he's just triggered and needs time to work on himself. I hope he comes around. I love him so much it hurts but I won't allow any of what i have seen anywhere near our son and told him so.

Thanks again for your support everyone. I know things will get better, with time, lots of time. Your kindness has gone farther than you will ever know because i really am alone...well, except for this special baby boy keeping me company. I won't let anyone ever treat him the way my husband, family and friends have treated me. maybe i'll soon understand what i'm doing wrong for people in my life to be so cruel to me.