Strong-Willed Two Year-Old

I'll just repeat the sentiment that she doesn't sound unusually resistant to me. She sounds pretty typical. Both my daughters have done all those things, and I'd only consider one of them a limit-pusher.

Consistency and empathy are the keys (with whatever consequences you choose), but it still takes time.

L.

Get a potty, put it on the floor and tell her THAT'S where the PeePee belongs if she takes off her diaper. If she's a MeDo kinda 2yr old she just make run with it and potty train herself :P

well the only thing that might not be good is giving any disciplinary action for toilet troubles! That is an area where everything has to be fun and no trouble should be associated with it! It is a game to 'get it in the pot'. She wears dresses with no panties so it becomes foreign to her and when she goes it is ,"almost hit the pot dear", and you make it a bit of a game with a reward to 'hit the pot'!

You really are just describing a normal, inquisitive, healthy two year old. I definitely would not use time outs on one this young.

I really like the book 'Playful Parenting'. In general, it is CONSISTENCY - not force or coercion - that works with discipline. So for example, with my toddler, I'll swoop her up and say joyfully "You can't take off your diaper, you crazy nut! You'd be naked! I can't have naked babies running around!" Then I'll tickle and snuggle, she laughs, and I set her down with some interesting toy or other diversion. She'll play with pretending to tug at her diaper, looking at me with a mischievious smile on her face. I say "Oh no you don't!" and she chortles with laughter. Ultimately she realizes and accepts that I'm not going to let her take off her diaper and she moves on to something else.

My kids are much more likely to listen and respond to me when we are connected than they are if I've set myself up in opposition to them by acting all authoritarian and forceful. They don't feel inclined to be contrary with me because, well, we just like and enjoy and respect each other.

And if you're consistent, they learn that - when mom says 'no', it means no. So they don't bother testing you.

There's a book I have heard great things about, something along the lines of "parenting the spirited child."

I like the advice about using onesies. However, I'm not the type to be using them anymore. I also have a two year old. If she was taking off her diaper, does she take off her shorts, too? Maybe you need to progress to potty training? Is she showing interest in using the toilet? You could try disposable pull ups or thick cotton panties with a plastic liner that you can find in the training section (can be bought together or seperately).

In regards to naps, although I don't use music, my daughter also doesn't sleep right away. Instead, she gets to play in her room. If she doesn't stay in her room, then I put up a child gate at her door. Since she hates the gate, she almost always stays in her room. After she plays for a while, she takes a nap. She comes out of her room when she is ready, which is usually about 2 hours later. I've recently found that I won't go into her room when she wakes up. If I do, she is grumpy for an hour later. I find that I need to let her call the shots on when she is ready to come out. The only time I go in her room to wake her, is if we have something special planned. I tell her what it is and she is too excited to be grumpy.

Good luck!

I don't think "time outs" really work with children as young as two. It sounds like she is doing the usual "terrible twos" stuff, and you sound like you are responding to it calmly, which is, I think, the best thing you can do. If you see her starting to get into something she shouldn't, try distracting her. Pick her up and swing her around, or get her attention and tickle her, and make up some silliness out of whatever she is doing that she shouldn't be doing: "Little Miss Pee on the Floor, does MOMMY pee on the floor? NO! Does DADDY pee on the floor? NO! Does your BEAR pee on the floor? NO! Are YOU supposed to pee on the floor? NO! No peeing on the floor!"

Hi Rhea,

Two year olds are challenging. The feisty, dramatic, independence are qualities we find difficult to deal with. Your child will go through developmental stages, and feisty independence is one of them. What will your child learn about herself during this time? When she emerges from this stage (and she will, just WAIT until 3!!!), do you want her to have skills to entertain herself in her bedroom for an hour in the afternoon, or do you want her to belive she can keep you dancing attendance on her by using "BAD" behavior? The ways that we discipline our children are mirrored in thier behavior. Would you be embarrassed if your daughter spoke to a friend the way you speak to her? I was, and it was a huge wake up call. I love positive discipline (Jane Nelson), and belive that some of the techniques saved my sanity when my oldest turned three...
I always try to remember that independence, ability to stand up for thier beliefs/feelings, and perserverence are qualities I want my children to possess as adults. I just want to see them executed with more grace, in appropriate situations.
Best of luck to you,
D.

Ok so I had/have a really tough time with my son. He is very strong willed. I read a book ‘How to parent the strong willed child”. Parts were very helpful. Basically the book says you need to take control and gives steps on how to do that along with giving your child a sense of control at the same time. I believe part of my issue with my early parenting was I always made excuses for him, oh, he is only 2 he doesn’t know any better yet. But basically you need to teach them how to act at an early age so as they get older their behavior doest get worse. I do not follow the book as much anymore, however, I do notice the times he starts to act out are usually times he is craving attention. He is almost 3 now and still continues to spend a lot of time in the corner. If he really starts acting out and I can tell he is not even in his right mind I will send him to the corner for alone time until he mellows out. Then I discuss with him what he did wrong and then I will try to spend some calm quiet time with him. We have also started taking away privileges as punishment. If he throws a toy for any reason (over excitement or anger) he looses that toy for the rest of the day. If he gets too rough with the animals he doesn’t get to interact with any of the animals for the rest of the day, etc. Parenting takes time, you just HAVE to stick to your guns and not waiver. If you do that, your child will know what to expect as a consequence if she decides to do wrong. My son went potty on the floor one time, I made him help with the clean up and then sent him to the corner. I do the same thing if he messes around at the table and spills food. I make him help clean it up and then he gets his punishment. Some kids at this age are already trying to find their boundaries. Its your job to set those.

Hi Rhea,
I did'nt have time to read the other responses, sorry if this is a duplication on advice, my understanding is when a child starts to remove their diaper and show interest in having it off. they are telling you they are ready to be potty trined.
Good Luck
M.

Hmmmm, have you thought about the possibility that maybe she is, in her way, telling you she's ready to get rid of the diapers and be a big girl? Maybe toilet training is the answer to at least part of the problem.

B. V.

One book that I highly recommend is called Raising Your Spirited Child. I wish I had known about the book when my daughter was younger - I discovered it when she was in elementary school. It has some humorous stories along with some good advice and explanations of how strong willed kids work. It's a pretty easy read. I'm sorry I don't know the author - I lent it to one of my Gymboree families and don't have it back yet.

J. F.

Hi Rhea,

Many of my friends have had this issue and they all read Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Your child may or may not be "spirited" but it gives a lot of great pointers on dealing with the issues you have described. I have already read it although we are far from the two year old stage. It made a lot of sense and offers practical solutions to behavior "issues." Good Luck! I'm sure the last thing you want to do is read a book but you can pick and choose what you need to read out of this book!

Hate to say it, but she sounds pretty normal to me! They don't call them the "terrible twos" for nothing! I have 4 kids, and I found that 4 is actually worse than 2...
Just depends on your child. Just be consisent and love her!

Sounds just like my 2 1/2 year old daughter! She started taking off her diaper during nap time and in the morning when she first woke up - Our immediate solution was to go out and buy Onesies that snap below her diaper - This stopped the problem 9 out of 10 times since she wasn't able to actually get to the snaps to get them undone. Our next step was to go buy a potty for her - She took to it almost immediately once we found one that she really felt comfortable with. As for the bedtime/naptime dancing, maybe set a timer on your stereo to only play the music for x amount of time and then see if when it goes off she mellows out and falls asleep herself. I have no idea if that would work but may be worth a shot. Best of luck :)

Hi! Rhea:
I'm going to keep reading the responses you receive as I have an almost two year old daughter who is "OFF THE HOOK!!" She has the worst temper on the planet; hitting, throwing things, thowing herself on the floor with a tantrum(no matter where we are)! She is just nuts! I have done time-outs but that only works temporarily. I know she is just being two but my lord she drives me crazy!!! She also takes her diaper off and runs around but my son also did that.
I hope you get some great responses because I am in search of help, also!! Good luck!

Be calm but firm. I know that's difficult when what you want to do is scream at the child.. been there, done that!.. but it really is the best and only way to deal with it. Someone else said that it's perfectly normal behavior at age two, and they are totally correct in that. What we do with the children in our care is to have a "tantrum" place. Find a nice quiet, out of the way spot where the child can be sent when in the midst of a tantrum (or if possible as soon as you see a tantrum beginning). Send, or if necessary gently move the child to that spot, and calmly tell her, "This is where you may have your tantrum. When you are finished, you may come on back with the rest of us". It works the same as a time-out spot, but the purpose of it is more defined. I never recommend a time-out that is time controlled by the parent, but one that is child controlled by their actions and attitudes. The parent's part in it is to give the guidelines as to what behavior or attitude is needed in order for the child to leave time-out and then to monitor if the child tries to leave before they are ready and send them back if necessary with a repeat of the requirements. This gives the child an opportunity to learn self-control.

Nap times are a little bit different. Be sure the music you put on is calming music. I recommend some soft classical music without a beat for a child who wants to dance to the music. You may need to sit with her and gently rub her back until she goes to sleep. Some children respond to other types of touch, such as a foot or hand rub. Some do better without touch at all. I found yesterday that my grandson (21 month old)was more 'antsy' than usual and just couldn't seem to settle down to sleep. Finally I laid on the floor next to his cot, took him off the cot into my arms and held him firmly. He settled immediately and was asleep within five minutes or less, and I was able then to lay him back down and leave him. Sometimes you just have to keep trying different things until you find one that works, and then you'll find another time that you have to do something else, because children - just like the rest of us - have different moods from day to day.

Being strong willed and determined is a postive quality. I highly recommend the book How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. According to the writer,Adel Faber, time-outs are humuliating and resentful to kids and we need to treat kids as our equal in dignity. We don't give the misbehaving adult a time-out in a corner or a separate room. There are many other books on positive decipline, one I like the most is Raising your spirted child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Two years olds brain is not quite developed to process logic or understand the meaning of time-outs. Ackowledgement and validation of kids feelings, listening them first, and then telling them how we feel (rather than dictating) works better in getting kids to respect us and comply happily. Recommended actions are redirection to another activity and using humor to diffuse situations.

Hi Rhea,
I rely on the book by Dr. James Dobson titled...THE NEW STRONG WILLED CHILD. : )
~M.

Hi Rhea,
My lovely younger daughter, who just turned 4, was the Queen of the Terrible Twos when she was that age. My parents wouldn't even babysit her, she was so bad! She would routinely have 5 or 6 knock-down, drag-out tantrums a day. Here's the thing. You just have to pick a few things - maybe 2 or 3 things - that you have rules about. These are the things that you feel like you absolutely MUST enforce, and your 2 or 3 rules might be different than mine. In general, I'd enforce No Hitting (biting, kicking, violence), No Screaming in Mommy's Presence, and You Have to Hold Mommy's Hand in the Parking Lot. That's it. All the other stuff, just let it roll off you like water off a duck's back. In other words, pick your battles. If she decided to be defiant and not eat her dinner, I just didn't care - eating dinner is not one of our rules. When I didn't react, more often than not, she'd stop being defiant about it and find something else.

That said, if and when my daughter broke one of our rules, I'd calmly, quietly pick her up and take her to her room. I'd plunk her down in the middle of the floor and say, "When you're feeling better, you can come out." and then leave. My theory is this - 2 year olds misbehave because they get worked up and just can't calm down. The time out in their room gives them a minute to themselves - and gives YOU a minute to yourself! - and in the long run this will allow your child to learn to deal with their own frustration without lashing out, because they learn what it means to get hold of themselves. I did not view it as a punishment, and I think that's an important distinction.

My other thought is, if your daughter is taking her diaper off in order to pee, potty train her. It's one less thing you'll have to fight with her about. I don't think there's any clearer indication that she wants to be out of diapers than her taking her diaper off!

Hello Rhea: Think for jus a minuet how old is your little one? 2 right then beaware that she is not being defiant but just a typical 2 year old. She just wants you to play, pay attention, or be there for her 100%. Just think someday she will be 15. I have 5 children and have raised many foster children and now have several grandchildren. I have seen my share of 2 year olds. This is just a wake up call thats all.
If she is aware enough to take off her diaper and then pee-- it is time to accept potty training. You say that you teach and take classes at night so what do you expect with the few hours that you are with your child?? Have you tried the same methods you were taught in your teachers training to reson out this situation? You don't say who has your little one for the hours your gone. You don't say what grade you teach but as my husband is a teacher and I have been an advocate for children with special needs for over 20 years I found that there were times we both had to back off of ourselves and put the children first and take breaks from our own thing. I know that when my children started having children and
I am asked how we did it all I just have to say that the only thing that would always be with me was them. Jobs , schools, friends all change but our children are only little 0-18 years for a short time and they are my greatest achievment. So take a few moments and rethink what your expectations are and your goals and find a way to make it all work without unrealistic expectations. Goods Luck in the great adventure of parenthood, Nana G

A two year old is learning so much at this age. They are more playful and curious and need to learn their boundaries and how things work. They also need to learn how to behave like a civilized person rather than a little monkey running around without any self-control. Parents need to set boundaries calmly, but firmly and consistently and give the reasoning behind those rules. This helps the child to "connect the dots" in their thinking. Don't ignore bad behavior, correct it. How else will a child learn what he is supposed to do? Parents are to teach their children. My happy and fun-loving 3 year old grandson is very strong-willed, but his mother lets him know when he's crossed the line. He gets time outs (which he hates), but she explains why he gets them and keeps them age appropriate (2 minutes in the corner for a 2 year old). He is learning to respect her authority and that there are consequences to his behavior. She is also very loving and affirmative to him after he has done his time out. I have seen the fruit of her loving discipline and for the most part, he is very well behaved and mature for his age.
Children are also very self-centered. They think everything revolves around their wants and desires. When they want something, they want it now. They need to know the world does not revolve around them. Teach them to wait patiently or ask nicely for something. Tantrums come if a child is tired, frustrated or doesn't know how to express himself in a positive way. Give them regular naps, play and converse with them, teach them how to express themselves positively. Two year olds are amazing, they can learn so much if you take time to teach them. Kids also test parents to see how they will react. It's like they're thinking "Are you really in charge or am I?" Don't back down from their challenges, be the parent. You'll have a more secure and happy child in the end. [I also agree with the others that your daughter sounds ready for potty training).

consistancy consistancy consistancy! I can't say it enough. You must be consistant. If you give her a time out for taking off her diaper, do it every single time. If you are tired and let her get away with something one time, it will last another hundred (cause it worked that one time!) So, be consistant!
I have a strong willed daughter and I choose my battles wisely. What she wears, a huge deal to her, is up to her. Always. Etc...

Good luck, I like having a girl who is not a shrinking violet. She could be anything when she grows up. I try to remember that when I want to throttle her... :)

Hi Rhea
I think it's just a phase that will pass. You might be overly personalizing it a bit in that you think she should apologize for taking off her diaper. Truly, the child does not know malice and at this age, I don't think has bad intentions to hurt you. She is just testing and discovering who she is. I would not sweat it too much. My little brother took off not only his diaper, but all his clothes, he LOVED being naked. No one freaked out about it or made him apologize for being him , they just gently nudged him to put his clothes back on or did it for him without incident. I think the more you make a big deal out of something with kids, the more they react. I just think two is too young to comprehend why taking off their diaper is bad or not. Maybe the next time she does it, try to not seem bothered by it, just stay calm, put on another diaper and see IF by changing your approach, she might suddenly change hers.
best of luck