Struggling with My Emotions

Normal.

Separation anxiety.

You realize that this is just a part of life. Have a good cry, and then go get that job and get out of debt.

good luck! :)

Anxiety. You should go see your Dr about this. You obviously NEED to go back to work for the sake of your family, sooner rather than later.

this anxiety you are feeling? You need to go to a doctor and get checked out. Anxiety and depression can go hand in hand.

You might get medication at first - but you need a counselor/therapist as well. NOT just medication.

As to the debt? You need to take control of your finances instead of them controlling you. Go to the library and get financial guide books by Dave Ramsey or Suze Orman. They will help you get control of your finances so you don't have this guilt any more.

The anxiety you are feeling about your child going to elementary school? Is typical but a tad extreme if it's bringing tears to your eyes...you'll have this feeling for middle school, high school and college...I know - I've been there with my daughter.

What your feeling is a combination of depression and anxiety. I'm not a doctor - but that's my guess/opinion...please schedule an appointment with your PCP and get on the road to recovery...you CAN get over this...and then get to the library and start taking control of your finances...

YOU CAN DO THIS!!

Teachers have kids and they are fine.
My Mom taught 6th grade in public school for 30 years.
The nice thing about teaching is you'll have the summer off and school holidays will be the same as your son.
Your son is older and he'll be learning and making friends at school.
Different ages and different stages - there's something to love every step of the way.
It will take you awhile to adjust but you and he will be fine.
You'll like having some money coming in too.
Your finances will ease up a bit and you'll be able to save up for college for your son and retirement for you.
Take the job!

I say you see a doctor about this first of all. Yes, I was sad on the first day of school for my kids and I hate that time is going so quickly, but I LOVE watching them grow also. You need to find a happy medium and right now you're so far on the anxiety/depressed side of it, you need someone to help you manage through it.

And working isn't awful. I get my kids off the bus every single day, and our amazing sitter puts them on the bus in the mornings. My husband leaves too early and gets home too late to help with that stuff.

Most of my teacher friends have kids and do fine. They rarely miss anything because of work, it's because of other kids activities. You do what makes you happy and your son will be fine.

I too think you have anxiety. And it's more anxiety than most moms feel and so please see your doctor.

I work full time, and I see my kids every day. Of course you will still see your child if you go back to work full time. And you will still be the most important person in his life, even as he develops his own independence.

I think you're so right, and so wise, to flag this as an issue about your emotions.

It's typical to mourn the passing of babyhood to some extent, but what you're describing doesn't sound like that. It honestly sounds a lot of like depression or anxiety, or some combination of the two.

And these things are treatable. I'd recommend seeing a doctor soon, honestly, so you can be up and running on antidepressants by the time he starts school.

It also sounds like your family really, really needs your income. And it's stoke of fantastic luck that you're a teacher, so you can match your schedule to your son's, more or less.

Your son is going to do great. And so are you. Just look into taking some meds, at least for the transition period.

First of all, he might love school-my children all cried when I came to pick them up after school-gee, that wasn't embarrassing....

Second, you need vitamin D-don't tell me you're getting enough sunshine out there in Iowa in December, if that is the case-I am moving.

Third, bankruptcy isn't the kiss of death, and neither is making a mistake-like taking on a full time job and realizing you screwed up. Just try to pull yourself together and do what you can to get through this tiny window of time-someday, it will be a distant memory. God bless you-it's going to turn out great!

I am sorry you are feeling this way. While I think all parents get a small wave of sadness at the fact that their children are growing up and we cannot turn back time, I really think the amount of sadness you have about this is not normal. It is hindering you from making logical decisions. Why would your child never see you if you take a full time job? Your husband works full time, right? Does your child see him? Try to think about this clearly. Your child is going to be in school, and yes, that is bittersweet but the way of the world.

I would get in to a doctor about anxiety. I think that you need to get on top of your emotional state and then it will be a lot easier to look at this situation logically. Your child will be in school- what- half a day? I promise, it flies right by. (my youngest started Kindergarten this year). How many hours of time will you be able to be with your family even if working full time? I am sure if you focus on quality time, it will be fine. Think how much calmer and happier you will be when you have a financial plan and are getting caught up on payments, thanks to working.

I don't think it's entirely "normal." Your son won't start kindergarten for 9 more months, and you are already depressed. I think you are just suffering from low-level depression, and this is what you are focusing on. A doctor visit might be in order.

Dwelling on this is making you miss out on the joy of your current time with your son, and that is ultimately more harmful to him than being away from you for a while once school starts. Depressed moms are not good for kids.

You need to live in the moment, first of all, and enjoy what you currently have. Make this time with your son count.

Secondly, one of the most harmful things to a family is financial struggles. So your going back to work is very important to the well-being of your family, and therefore important to your son.

If possible, why don't you try to work part-time for starters, if you can afford it.

Remember mom, it's good and healthy for your son to start spending time away from you. If he's emotionally healthy, he will really enjoy his time away from you in school, so you don't need to worry about him missing you. Your baby is starting to grow up.

Anyway, if you think this is hard, wait till you experience the empty nest. At least your boy will come home to you at the end of the day.

Enjoy your time!

What you are feeling is very very normal. Let yourself feel it and then figure out a way to move forward.

As for the job, if a family can afford to have one person stay home I think that is great, but it does not sound like your family can afford it if you are taking on debt. Millions of working moms find ways to make it work and still spend time with their kids, and you will find that balance as well.

Good luck!

I had some dread of my youngest starting to school full time. Being a SAHM for over 7 years was my job and my job was going to be in school from 7am - 3pm.

At the time we didn't need the money of a full time job for me, so I started substitute teaching and working for a tax office during tax season. So I was always able to meet the bus everyday.

I feel your pain as now we could really use a full time job for me...and I also am a teacher so I know the long hours and extra time at home it takes to teach full time. But it is what it is...we have some new debt and we have to get it taken care of...my husband's job has being precarious and he could lose it at anytime (he is a bit stressed out)...

You need to live in the moment now and really suck all the joy out of your last few months as an SAHM and then realize a new chapter is opening up for you. Then embrace the new phase of your life, even if it is full time work and being a mom to your son.

Big Hugs!!

You had me till I read your near bankruptcy and don't know what to do. Don't know what to do?! Go back to work full time. You're obviously in huge financial trouble the fact that this seems an afterthought worries me that you've lost touch with sense and reality. Consult a dr pronto.

When my first son was born, my husband I weren't married so I felt it was important for me to keep working. I went back to work when he was three months old and was MISERABLE. I became a stay-at-home mom and loved every second. We were buddies! Hung out together all the time, and I was so happy to get to be with him so much and not miss out on any of his "firsts" form that point on. When he went to pre-school, I cried. When he went to Kindergarden, I was completely beside myself. I cried the first day and eagerly awaited school vacations so we could hang out. My second child...same deal. I was so sad to send him to pre-school! BUT -- each day it got easier and both boys L O V E school. They are so happy there. They love coming home to tell me all about their day. They are learning how to be with others and have some independence. It's been good for them. I still look forward to school vacations (and when we went back after this Thanksgiving break, I was sad!) but I know the kids are happy and that is all that matters. For a while I thought I was crazy to have this much anxiety and sadness about missing my kids, but I actually think it is normal. We all just have to find a way to handle it in our own way. Mine is remembering that my kids are happy. That I loved my Dad even though he travelled and wasn't around a lot because of his job (in fact, he was and still is my ultimate HERO!)
One thing that comforts me - I make the most out of our weekends and our time together. I do fun things with them and make sure I plan crafts and outings that they will enjoy (working will hopefully give you some extra income to work with on this). We play games, read books - quality time!
As for going back to work for financial reasons: I would do some research on this online. You will find that the number one cause for fighting among spouses is money, the number one cause of anxiety (I'm talking about the kind that can affect your overall HEALTH) is money...the list goes on. Easing this will be good for your health and the health of your marriage. I do think that easing into it by working part-time might help the situation. You will be bringing in some income to help with your debt, but not jumping in with two feet just yet. Then, when you get used to it, hopefully going back full time won't seem to intimidating.
ONE last thing: a long while back I was watching Oprah. She did a whole show on "working mom vs stay at home mom" and I distinctly remember them talking about a study that showed that there is no different in children whose parents work vs not working. They love their parents the same. They all feel like they have great memories with their parents. They all still have happy childhoods (other factors being equal). There is basically no real difference in the way kids view their parents - take heart. You can be a great Mom while staying at home and a great Mom when going back to work!

I wonder where all this emotional turmoil about a very normal milestone is coming from????

Did you have severe separation issues with your mom? Was she emotionally absent for you during similar transitions? I ask because I wonder if you are creating this emotional response from nothing or from some prior experience??? Only you know.

You do sound sweetly and affectionately attached to your child. So good job. But everyone learns to leave the nest and attach to other friends, teachers, coaches, etc. When your son is lonely for you, or visa versa, you can reconnect at night and catch up and have him tell you all about his day and you'll both be just fine. It will be even better because he's learning all kinds of new stuff to share with you later.

Honest, you will be doing your family a financial favor for you to return to work. You son's emotional well being is set in the right direction and you'll be incredibly happy to share at the end of the day.

The next phase will be just as wonderful, if not more, then the last 5 years. Deep down I think you know this. But it's hard to make the switch, especially when it's been so perfectly sweet and natural.

Your child will adjust to you not being home and be fine. Right now you have more pressing issues than worrying about him not having mommy at his beck and call. It might be that you need this break to find yourself again and be a good mom.

Contact your doctor and talk with him about anti-depressants for a bit to get you back on track with your anxiety.

If you have all this financial stress, then go back to work. Work for a year or two and get out of debt then stay home. But getting rid of the debt would be my first concern over everything else. Bankruptcy stays on your financial records up to ten years. Think about that if you are considering buying anything of size. Can you contact your creditors and work out payment plans?

Good luck to you.

the other S.

No, I can't say that I've ever felt like this. You should see a doctor and possibly a therapist. You have extreme separation anxiety about allowing your son to engage in healthy social exchange at school. He can/will survive without you. You need something to occupy your time. Working could be just what you need to de-focus. This isn't healthy for you or your son.

My husband and I talked about me being a SAHM when our first was born; however, because of the drastic increase of cost and obvious loss of my income (as I was working full-time) and medical insurance while having accumulated some debt, we decided it would be best for me to continue working – this was six years ago and now we have two little ones (LOs) with one that started kindergarten this fall.

With my first LO, I was able to take her to work with me a few days a week until she was 1 and then we had to get her into daycare. I was so anxious about the transition and of course worrying that she would not receive the attention and care that I had given her, plus just missing her and worrying about whether or not she thought I was abandoning her. I had nothing to worry about. She thrived in that environment. I, of course, made sure to research and visit several daycares before we settled on that particular one. Doing that helped me tremendously.

With our second LO, she started daycare after three months and OMG, I worried about whether or not she would even know me as “mom” as the people at daycare got to spend far more time with her than I ever did. Guess what? She and I both thrived as well =)

I still miss them and I tell them so as much as possible. The upside to the separation was that I got to pick them up after work, which is something I look forward to everyday. The other upside is watching just how much they thrive with other people and new environments. I realized early on that I could never have taught my LOs the way that others did in daycare and kids need to play with other kids (in my opinion). My oldest is learning so much and is always so excited about going to school. I am so excited with her/for her. I’m also looking forward to see my youngest to see how she will do in “big kid” school. She’s already excited and she’s only 3. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a bittersweet moment when you see your child walk towards the school doors, loaded down with a backpack and lunch bag… but it’s so nice to have her walking/running towards you with their chatter about their day and what they have learned =)

What keeps me sane? - I focused on my ultimate goal which was to raise my children to prepare them for the “real world” and to be able grow into strong, healthy individuals. Keeping me the center of their universe was/is a detriment to their personal growth and was not an option. What is your ultimate goal for child? Don’t you want him to be able to grow up and take care of himself and maybe even one day – his own family?

Perhaps you are transferring your worries about your financial issue into your relationship with your child. I say that because you still have half a year before you have to start worrying about him going to kindergarten. When I was at your stage I was taking my daughter to her schools playground and participating in the schools community activities onsite to help her get familiar with the school. Perhaps if you did that you would feel more comfortable. Also, not to be mean but he is going to pick up on your feelings of anxiety and sadness thus making it much harder for him. It seems like you would want to help him get excited and see this as an adventure/fun rather than a overwhelming and sad.

Of course missing your child is normal, but the way you explain it, does not sound typical. Maybe you have anxiety of some level as some others offered. Have you thought about seeing a counselor? I mean, we want our kids to go out into the world and flourish, not stay home with us forever. You can't put that on your son. What if he wants a play date with someone else, at their house. How will you feel, if he feels guilty for wanting to go somewhere without you? Seeing a counselor may help, given all the reasons that you are overwhelmed.

Of course, it's overwhelming. You have poured your whole identity into tending to something that is about to change.

Here's how you do away with some of that: Make a plan and then work your plan. Don't just play it all by ear; set goals and work toward those goals.

I so get not wanting to miss moments. In fact, I'm an expert on not missing moments. One method that I use is documenting. When mine was at home every day and I was at work, I asked the nanny to use a big desk/wall calendar to document what he ate and how much, what time he slept and for how long, his bowel habits. I made sure to be so active with him and know him so well that between my interaction with him and reading the notes on him, I didn't miss a thing. I was not surprised by any of his "new" stuff because I saw it coming and experienced pieces of it with him. At this point (not yet 3yo), he can spend hours away from me (all day while I work and then a bit on the weekends) and I don't "miss" a thing. I reconnect with him as soon as I see him again, and I start talking to him and listening to him.

It might help you to make sure that you feel comfortable with his new teacher. A teacher is a caregiver, and I need to vet my kid's caregivers. It's always important to me that he feel secure in his environment and confident in the person in charge. At least until he gets a few more years under his belt.

It's just as important for you to ease yourself into the new routine as it is to ease him into it. Don't beat yourself up over having that need. Just work toward it.

Thankfully, your husband was on the same page with you regarding having you stay at home with your little one. That warm fuzzy feeling won't pay the bills, but it's a good substitute for that feeling of guilt that you're nurturing. Swap those two, and keep it moving. Even if you don't take the new opening, prepare for it. Start right now doing whatever you need to do to feel like you are present with your child, and set up a routine that will serve you in that way and that you can build on. If I didn't drive my kid to and from school, I would miss him all day. I don't mind getting home later because I spend the commute with him. I don't walk into the house trying to balance household stuff with reconnecting with him. We've already started our process. By the time we get home, we've discussed his day and who his friends are; we've commented on and discussed things we've noticed on the road; he knows what to expect for dinner and, sometimes, for the rest of the evening. You've probably already got routines established at his age. Start now venturing back out into the world and connecting with something not directly related to motherhood, and rely on those routines to pull you back in and hold you together, so you don't feel like the cord is completely borken.

Good luck to you.

first of all guilt is a wasted emotion-you both agreed so let it go-billions of folks are in debt-secound i think you are waaaaaaay to depended on your son-thats not at all healthy-you need to cut the umbilical cord-maybe seek some therapy for this.im crazy about my kids also-starting school was a tear jerker-after day 1 its over with.be grateful that you got to stay home with him-alot of us werent that lucky.i suggest you put on your big girl panties,let him spread his wings-you get back to having an adult life-your bond will be even stronger.and if your still having the emotions your having,please seek therapy-but its time to let go..good luck

Look mommy, I really want you to go to the doctor and talk about this with him or her. I really think that you have a degree of depression and the best thing you can do is get some medication to help you. I do think that you need to manage this first and foremost. Your whole outlook will be better if you do it NOW. Then you will be able to go back to work.

And you DO need to go back to work. This debt thing is just going to eat you up. Put every penny you make in your full time job towards that debt.

You and your son will do fine with him in kinder. I promise you. Getting help with the doctor will fix this issue of your emotions and all the tears.

Please call your doctor today. We're cheering for you!

My daughter went FT to day care from 2-5 and then on to K. I was upset thinking about her in the big school and being lost in the shuffle, the bus - well, it never happened. My daughter went and owned the place in no time! I was worked up for nothing.

Here is my thoughts on your going back to work FT. Your little man will adjust before you do. Kindergarten is exciting - and if he is in an after school program (or morning program) he will love that, too. In fact, most people say that when they have the chance to get there early - the kid is upset to have to leave! Go figure.

As for finances - you will fell SO MUCH BETTER if you can straighten out your finances. Financial struggles are a huge burden to carry. So go back to a job you liked and make a go of it.

Fall is a long time away. Do yourself a favor and forget about it for a while and just enjoy your time. Kindergarten is a must - there is no decision there so try to just go with it. Be well.

You move forward by keeping the main thing the main thing. Your son needs you to work. He is already in preschool so kindergarten is not that far of a leap. If you don't want to go back to teaching, then consider something else viable you can do to earn income to address the debt your family is carrying. Also perhaps your hubby may want to consider finding a new job that would pay more.

You must not allow your negative emotions to get the best of you. You must be brave because this is what is best for your son and for your family. You can do it. Women choose to do it everyday because we mom's often do what we must do because we must and your family will benefit from you taking the stress off.

You're going through a mourning period. For the life you've had at home and for the changes that are coming. This is normal on some level. You're having it more than most that I've known, it's nearly a year away.

In my opinion you have to decide to suck it up, your family is suffering and you wanting to stay with your baby is contributing to this situation.

Go back to work full time so you'll have something to keep you occupied and busy. He'll be fine and you'll be helping your family again.

If finances are really as bad as this then you need to start working now. Do the substituting now so when the time comes you'll already be on their radar. Kiddo can go to a friends house after school or something so you can work those extra couple of hours.

They usually hire qualified teachers but those that have been substituting should have first choice of any opening jobs over a teacher that hasn't been in a classroom in several years.

Updated

You're going through a mourning period. For the life you've had at home and for the changes that are coming. This is normal on some level. You're having it more than most that I've known, it's nearly a year away.

In my opinion you have to decide to suck it up, your family is suffering and you wanting to stay with your baby is contributing to this situation.

Go back to work full time so you'll have something to keep you occupied and busy. He'll be fine and you'll be helping your family again.

If finances are really as bad as this then you need to start working now. Do the substituting now so when the time comes you'll already be on their radar. Kiddo can go to a friends house after school or something so you can work those extra couple of hours.

They usually hire qualified teachers but those that have been substituting should have first choice of any opening jobs over a teacher that hasn't been in a classroom in several years.

You've got a lot on your plate, and you will soon be out of your comfort zone. It's OK to feel anxious. When that feeling is overwhelming, and gets in the way of your self care, and daily activities, and casts a shadow on your relationships, you need some help.

I work full time, and am happy to do it. In fact, I prefer it. I found maternity leave isolating, and childcare, even for my own, demanding and overwhelming. My child is in good hands while I am at work, and he and I are happier for it. No nagging guilt or sadness here. If I felt any however, I would try to deal with it, work through it and certainly compartmentalize it. No need for my work or my child to suffer because I brought guilt to the party.

Best,
F. B.

I suggest it's not losing time with your son because like you said, he's been in preschool so it won't be much different with him being in kindergarten. I think it's simply that you don't want to go back to work. I feel like that when I have to go back after being on vacation.

I say suck it up and go back to work, even if part time.

i am right there with you sweetie!!! you are not alone. I have a very strong bond and separation issue with my son. Heck, he's the reason i smile, breath and function day to day. He is my life! for almost 4yrs i was home full time with my son. I worked as a nanny so i could spend time with him. I was also a single parent going through an ugly divorce w/ major custody issues. This made my separation issues worse. I also have a HUGE HUGE fear of loosing my son, even though I know its beyond my control when god brings him to heaven. The very thought of loosing him kills me and over the years i had to control my emotions at night, otherwise i would cry nightly in fear.

your separation is good. As difficult as it is. You both need it. he needs to be an individual, and you need to be a woman again too. You and I are stuck in what I call our mommy closet. We identify ourselves just as "mom". you are also a friend and a wife too. Me, just MOM....

i found what has worked for me when i was forced to go back to work full time was to work with children in the beginning. To ease my separation from my son. I worked part time at first and having the ability to bring my son to work was also helpful on days i really wanted him with me. In time when i had to find a f/t job due to finances (i was going broke), i did what i could to make our home, work and school close. Work, school and home were all within a few miles of each other. That way i was always minutes away need be it.

When i lost my job and hired on with another company, i moved my sons daycare down the street so i can see him during lunch if i wanted to and to be close in the event he is sick. Now that my son is in school i take him to his morning class before school (he is a late start friend), his morning school takes him to school each morning. Every day for lunch (except wed) i pick up my son from school. I spend my hour lunch with him, then drop him off at his after school program. Then after work i pick him up, commute back to home and spend every minute with him after that.

I rearranged his school schedule to work around my work schedule, so i can be there every day for him. I made his school minutes away. we commute together each day. He goes to school in the city i work. I did what i had to do to make my son close by at all times. So if i needed to fill my day with his presence, love and kisses, i could easily get in my car, drive to where he was, give him a big hug and lots of kisses. Tell him i love him and go back to work filling that emptiness in my heart.

I also keep pictures of him at work. Even on my wallpaper i have his current picture. In my truck is a picture of us. Anything i can to keep him near i do. Now i absolutely HATE working full time and being away from him, but i have to work. I don't have the luxury anymore to being a full time mom. I had to deal with that. Its not easy, it sucks, i hate it, and i at this time can't change it.

Now i filed bankruptcy too due to my divorce and due to lack of good insurance during pregnacy and the birth of my son. it was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I started over, debt free...no shame in it just hurt my credit and made it harder to qualify for things, but overall i was debt free. 90k worth in debt, and i lost a vehicle due to it. it happens. its part of life. it will pass and u must move forward.

oh and i dont care what others say...having that strong bond is normal for us. It may not seem "normal" for others, as they don't have that strong connection as we do with our child. Not saying theres anything wrong with them not having it, just some mothers don't have it as strong as others. Its there, but not as fierce. Mine was and still fierce. It makes some days difficult as i am a very emotional person and cry in a blink of an eye. but i pull myself together and power through my day knowing i get to see my lil man at the end of my day. As he is all i look forward to.

He is my miracle from god, why would i not want to be with him all the time? life and time is precious and we may not see tomorrow, so embrace today and every second, minute hour you have with your child. we have no control over when we shall pass, but we have CONTROL over the time we do have. Spend every minute you have with your child, even if its not as much as you want, you at least have it.

in the beginning it will be tough for you. but schedule work to make your time free to see you child after, before and during school. if you can. if not, then you will have to do all you can to make that time special when you two are together. Not forgetting about your hubby either, lol.

what ever you do...go with your heart...as in the end you need to be happy with your choices. I am trying to find ways i can get back to being a full time mom without going broke, lol.

hang in there...again...you are not alone in this....i am one who feels like u :)

Thinking out of the box here----how about the best of both worlds? Send your son to half-day kinder and while he is at school work your butt off and make some money. I know lots of teachers that job-share. While he is at home make memories with him in the afternoons. This will transition both of you to 1st grade more easily. Just my opinion but I really don't see a need for full-day kinder. My son just came home with straight A's on his 5th grade report card and he was in the half of his class that was half-day. In fact, if I think back, all of the half day kids are really excellent students right now.

The other thing I want to add is about trying to get a hold on your emotions. Right now you are feeling anxiety because you feel you have no control over anything on your plate. Get on the horn about some 1/2 day teaching opportunities. Making a game plan such as I mentioned above will do wonders for your sense of well-being and put you back in the driver's seat. Also consciously decide that you want to enjoy every day spent with your husband and son and not worry your life away. Every time you feel yourself slipping and worrying or feeling sad bring yourself back to being grateful for each and every moment. "I'm sad." Boom--name 5 things you are grateful for. "I'm so worried about him being without me." Boom-"Hey junior, let's go out and build a snowman!" Be mindful of your feelings and take back some control over your emotions. When he is 8, 10, 15, 20 are you going to say, "Gosh, I'm really glad I was so sad every day I spent with my son when he was in pre-school!" or do you want to say, "I was a great mom, and I made the most of every day with my little guy!" Take back your power.

NOTE*****I think this is important: If you are going to squander away this sahm time with him by feeling blue, you may as well be working full time right now and making some money.****

If you absolutely can't get a handle on things I would find someone to talk things over with. That may be just the outlet you need. Good luck.