Suddenly Homesick??

That is weird we have just been going through the same thing (kinda) My girls share every other weekend at there grandparents home & have sense my oldest was 2yrs old. My oldest did the same thing around age 11 she would call us all the time she didn't want to come home but she would just call for silly reasons. Now my youngest is 11 & she has been doing the same things when it's her weekend she will call us at least 5x's a day or more just to see what was going on & silly stuff. I was talking to her Pediatrician & he said it's common around this age because there body is changing & there hormones are starting. )it happend at age 12 for my oldest & my youngest is close so not to scare you but maybe she is gettting close to becoming a young lady in the next year).. Good Luck

Is there any undercurrent she may be feeling that things aren't right between you and your husband? or are either of you experiencing health or personal problems? any reason she may sub-consciously feel she needs to be there to "take care of you"? Has she been getting in trouble alot (like pre-adolescent "stuff") and maybe feeling unsettled about leaving if she doesn't feel everything is ok between you and her? I work with elementary aged kids and find that most often if they start experiencing separation anxiety about coming to school it's because they're worried about someone or something at home. Perhaps your daughter is experiencing that when she's away for a sleep-over.

Believe it or not... I remember having to stay at my grandmother's house when I was young and it was HELL once 9-10 years of age came along! Think about it... this is the age where the child notices smells and feels fright and understands them feelings. Plus, what "fun" is it to "help grandma cook, clean and pretend to care what they have to say" at that age!! They don't get the chance to hang with friends, to DO the things they "normally" do and they don't have THEIR OWN beds there. It just isn't any "fun" for the kids once they hit a certain age.
Grandparents go to bed early? Even 10 miles away is far enough that they will feel like they are in a whole other town and "away from everything"/ The sleepovers at the grandparents(as far as I think) should sooo stop once the kid turns 9-12 years of age. Depending on the kid, of course!

Hi R.,

I have a 10 yr old son, and he's always been very close to me, but is also somewhat of an adventurer as well...so having sleepovers with grandma, cousins, friends has ALWAYS been a highlight for him....just as for your girls. But just within this past 6 months, since he turned 10, he's been coming up to me more for hugs. He tells me he feel safe when he's with me and daddy, and he says that even though he likes to have sleepovers at family and friends, he really misses us. He also has been telling me he loves me more than usual. So my guess is that perhaps around this age they go through a stage where being independent is kind of scary. I slightly remember my oldest, who's 12, going through this as well, but she's not as vocal as my son is. I'm also thinking that around 10 years old they start processing things differently and understanding the world around them more concretely yet not yet able to completely integrate it all. And the media, or just over hearing adult talk, can be pretty scary what they see and listen to - yes? My son also tends to be the "What if" person in our home. "But mom, what if a meteroite comes crashing in our house tonight?" Does your daughter do something similar? Does she base more of her decisions on fear? It's probably pretty typical at this age.
I think it is great that you asked her if anyone is hurting her, etc questions. Those are important questions to ask. I'm sure that nothing out of the ordinary has happened, otherwise her behavior would be noticeably different all the time, not just when a sleepover comes up. Is she refusing sleepovers at friends as well?
I suggest to let her have her space. If she doesn't want a sleepover right now, it's ok. You can use "prescription" statements, such as.."sometimes it's hard to be away from our family because it's a little scary. Does that feeling ever come up for you?" Or recall a story from your childhood when you were homesick, or didnt' want to do something that you used to enjoy. Normalizing her experiences and feelings will help her understand them better. Usually our kids won't talk to us when they are feeling pressured. Usually they will express their feelings during on one on one casual times with mom or dad. When they know and feel that they won't be questioned or judged...just listened to. If it turns out that she is really just homesick and feeling anxious about being away from home, let her feel this way. Try not to say, "oh you shouldn't feel that way." or "you shouldn't be scared at grandma's." Remember, shoulding on anybody never helps:)
Just listen to her when she wants to talk. Help her figure out ways for her to have fun at sleepovers AND feel safe at the same time. Let her come up with the plan so she will feel empowerd to do it. If her fears persist for a long time about most situations not just sleepovers, and her behavior changes dramatically in all situations, then you'll need to look into more professional avenues for help. For now, give her the extra space she is needing to grow. Give her extra hugs and kisses. Turn off the news when she's around. Be a model of courage in the face of adversity, and lead with your words and actions how you make all decisions based on love and knowledge, not fear.
You know your daughter best, but she knows herself even better. What is SHE needing at this moment? With compassion and encouragement, your inner wise mamma will know how to help your little girl.

Much good energy to you...and my your daughter have many more happy and peaceful sleepovers:)

In peace,
A.
mom of 4, Birth and Parenting Mentor
www.birthingfromwithin.com

Hi R.
I have a son who is now 11 but at around 10 he started hangin around us more to. Long story short turns out there were at least two divorces and two deaths surrounding him and what I mean is friends of his in school had parents who had split up or recently divorced and the friend has been heartbroken as you can imagine. Also in our family was a death of a grandparent and one of his friends lost someone. I think he is just becoming more observant and my take on it was he was scared of losing someone and wanted to be close as to not miss anything or be unaware, you know little minds im sure it could be scary for them left alone with thoughts of divorce and death .not sure if this would pertain to your situation. But maybe ask her if any of her friends are going through anything like that. Good luck

Hi R.! This is so normal! My two older girls, 9 & 7, have sleep overs with their grandparents/aunts/friends on occasion and every once in a while they will call and want to come home because they said they are "homesick". Over the years I've asked the questions, worried, prayed, talked with my hubby...I've come to find that it is just normal phases that kids go through. I remember missing home when I was at a sleepover when I was young. Just be happy that you have a loving, safe, comfortable home for your little ones and they want to be with you! Teenage years are coming soon and you will be missing her being homesick :)

I first responded that perhaps something funny was going on but upon re-reading your post, I'm changing my message as I dont think so.

It could very well be that she really just does miss you / the routine / her space at home.

You are right to be viligant though. Keep assuring her that sometimes good people do bad/stupid things. Sometimes people you love also do, and they will still be loved for who they are, but not what they do. We do have dear family friends where the grandpa got inappropriately close to a granddaughter, so very sad. So it can happen in good families too. Don't think that is necessarily what's happening here though. Pay attention to your gut feeling though. Keep lines of communication between you & your daughters open. Maybe some library books that allow opportunities for conversations (saw a good one recently, think it was titled "Not In My Class" - not too graphic but a good opportunity for a conversation).

TOTALLY NORMAL!!

Try to spend some time with your girls and grandparents, lunch, park, movies.... so they are sure that YOU like to spend time with them as well. 6 mos. a year from now SHE'LL ask to sleep at grandmas.
You didn't mention that it was both girls, but...It is always good to send them together as much as possible, that bonding is oh so important and they learn to rely on each other. They all come and go thru phases (often), it is best not to make a big deal or it (as you are sure they are not in a harmful situation)

Hi, R. -
That is puzzling. My only advice on the subject would be that you should respect her feelings and not try to force the issue. If you are completely confident that there is no specific reason for her reluctance, it's probably just a temporary phase. I'd give it time to pass.

Hi R., I agree with Doris. I would check with the grandparents and just confirm that no one else was over at the house, like their neighbor or a friend or even like a plumber or cable guy or something. No matter how much we ask our kids if someone has "hurt" them or "touched" them, predators scare them into not "saying" anything. If no one was over but the grandparents and you feel nothing like that could be going on with them, then at least you can mark that off your list. My daughter is 9 and I think she would LIVE at her grandma's house if I let her! So maybe this is just down the road for me...I will know it's ok if she starts not wanting to stay there! Good luck to you!

Hi R.,
This sounds pretty normal to me. I hope grandma and grandpa don't take it personally. Developmentally, she's at the age where she's beginning to discover her 'self,' and being afraid or uncomfortable with things that may have never concerned her before.

She's probably a very thoughtful child with a tender heart, right?

It does not say anything negative about the grandparents. It sounds like it's just her finding that there are things out there for her to feel insecure about.

Give her time, space, and patience about it. Give her the option of just having a few hours at their house, then coming home to sleep. Let her have her safety/comfort zone, without feeling "on the spot" in asking for it.

Sometimes, there's nothing better than your own bed :)
T

Have you asked you 6yo? Maybe she knows something? I would even ask the grandparents what they did while they were there and how was her mood. Maybe she is at an age where she just doesn't want to hang out with Grams and Gramps. Good Luck getting to the bottom uo it. I know how precious those sleepovers can be for us moms and dads.

Dear R.,

I don't have a solution or advice for you, but I did want to share that I am also going thru the same thing, although my son is younger(just turned 5 in December)than your daughter. My sister and her 2 kids (7 year old girl and 9 year old son) always visits during the Xmas holidays, and they stay with my parents in Scottsdale. Last year, my son slept over at my parent's house practically every night my sister was in town just so he could hang out with his cousins. This year was a totally different story. He slept over the first night, and cried. He did get over it, but after that, he wouldn't sleep over again unless I was going to spend the night as well. Well, that didn't happen, so every night after a day full of activities, he would come home with me to sleep. This is the same time that he started exhibiting some serious separation anxiety, and would not go to his karate classes (which he used to love). The only new event in his life is that he started a new preschool at the beginning of the year (same owner, just different campus), so that could have attributed to some of his anxiety. We are still trying to work thru getting him back into karate class, and not sure what has triggered all this sudden clingyness. Anyways, just wanted to share with you what I have been going thru, so you are not alone with this. I figure that this is a phase that will go away, and in the meantime, patience may be the best solution. If you come up with any other insights, I would love to hear back from you.

Good luck!

T.

Most of the other responses think this is normal pre-puberty behavior so this may be way off base, but I think you should check further into what might be going on at the in-law's home. You have two girls so you you owe it to the younger one to make sure everything is OK. It's a very touchy subject but the girls' well-being comes first. D.