Suddenly Single and Wondering How to Cope Alone

You need to find financial and emotional support for yourself. First is he financially supporting his child? He should be. Is his name on the birth certificate? if it is, he could sue for custody or visitation in the future if you don't take care of the legal situation. Just be aware.

there are wonderful programs for single parents. There's a great group called Parents without Partners that arranges activities for single parents. Churches often have singles programs - if you don't have single men your age at your church - would you consider attending programs at other churchs? go to mom and baby classes - gymboree, infant massage etc - find listings online, at the church, at local hospitals.

I'm not a single mom but two of my best friends are - you are going to have tons of replies soon and everyone will tell you that being a single mom is hard but not impossible. Your daughter will grow up loved and well-taken care of and you will make a good life for the two of you. right now you are feeling overwhelmed and lost - that's natural. But do what you need to do to protect the two of you legally and emotionally and you will be fine.

What a strong person you must be to go through this! Just a few thoughts:

First, your daughter will be fine. She obviously has a mother who puts her first and would do anything for her. This will naturally translate to a confident child who feels loved and worthwhile. Church should have some great support services for you also.

Second, it sounds like your are creating a cooperative environment where her father can be involved. Good for you. Sounds like he should not have her on his own, though. You won't be able to control his mood, problems, or decisions, but at least you'll know you did not create a hostile environment that left him no choice but to become nasty. Having said that, if he's in any way unstable in his life (which it sounds like he is) you should be prepared for his struggles to overflow to you. Be strong and be prepared. Whenever necessary/possible, you should document his alcoholism or any other behaviors that could be harmful to your daughter (with proof if possible). If he decided to take you to court, you want to be prepared. You're not on a witch hunt, you're just keeping records just in case. Don't threaten him with these, just have them. Hopefully you never have to use them.

Finally, get yourself feeling secure before you even consider dating. If you meet a nice guy in your present state of anxiety, it will be too tempting to lean on him too hard and become dependent. Your best bet is to be feeling strong and independent and comfortable with doing this on your own. Once you are there, you will be ready for a healthier relationship. Again, church would be a great place to start.

Best of luck to you, and again I am so impressed with your strength.

I truly hope you are able to find a solution to your problem. I married my alcoholic in 1986 then 13 years and 3 children later he divorced me. That was in March 2000. I was crushed. Two things saved me, a love for the Lord thanks to my upbringing and this book, Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty. I started reading that book when my X and I started having problems and it was like reading the story of my life.

You have to buy that book, read it and make your parents read it too. I learned how to detach with love and I learned that his problems were not my problems. I am now working the ALANON 12 Steps and doing GREAT! The X is still part of my children's lives, and always will be, and I have my very own life without him and his problems. Whoohoo! Glory be to God!

May God bless you and yours
S. Neet, Parker, CO

You have a lot of great advice already, I just wanted to share a little bit of my story. My ex left when my kids were 5 weeks, 1 1/2 & 5 and we were separated for a little over a year. I thought about my future, figured I would be single for a super long time, but God had other plans. Once my divorce was final and I was ready, I went on match.com and met my husband now. He had no kids and had never been married and has been an amazing step father to my kids, who still see their bio dad every week. My kids have had a lot of questions over the years and I've done my best to answer them truthfully, age appropriately and above all - did not bash their father. No matter what happened between him and I, he would always be their father. I spent a lot of time writing in a journal, which helped a lot and has been super cool to see how far God has taken me from where I was! I also started a Parent's Night Out program at our church for couples to spend quality time together, AND for single parents to have some time with other adults without breaking the bank. A church is a great place to find support as well, we have single parents in our Gen Next group, MOPS, Divorce Care, and more. I go to JFC at Lincoln & Lonetree Pkwy. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!! Our pastor said once "God is a God of "But now.." not "If only.."" I used to have post-it notes all over my house with things like that and other scripture, just to keep my mind focused on what He had to say about things. Jer. 29:11-14 is my favorite - He has a plan for you, no matter what detours we choose to take in our lives, He still has a plan!! Vent to Him, rest in Him - He'll fill the gaps for you! I pray you find lots of encouragement through all the postings here too!!

Well it sounds like you have your hands full. I had my dayghter when I was 18 and her father decided he was not ready for father-hood. I had alot of help from my parents. (Could'nt have done it with out them) When she was two I meet my husband who took my breath away he was willing to step up and be her daddy. Now my lil girl is 9 and her bio father decided to come back, its been tough making it all work out for all of us. Anyway I think if your daughters dad want to be in her life still let him. It's not your daughters fault it didn't work out and it will save you from those questions of why. As far as you go the right man will come along just be patient. God has a plan for us and he would not give us anything that we could not handle.

I agree with the previous advice wholeheartedly! I would like to add this... I had to get a divorce when my 2 children were 1 and 3 years old. I had the same thoughts as you. It was a very difficult time in my life. I met a wonderful man who totally accepted my children and has been a wonderful father to them for the last 29 years. I adopted them when they were 4 and 6 years old. They had a ton of questions over the years. I just answered them with the truth and then changed the subject. They have had contact with their biological fahter for the last 12 years and come to know for themselves that the divorce was the best thing that could have happened for them. Yes, there are men out there who will adore your daughter... just be very, very careful because it's oh so easy to mixed up with same type as you did before.

Not raising your daughter with an alcoholic in the home is not a bad thing. Often, things can get worse over time that can be very traumatic for a child to witness and it is not the kind of role model you want. It is also not the kind of relationship you want to role model for her either. Insist that he cleans up this act and get help.

You have plenty of years to figure out the right answers to questions. Kids adjust better if you can always talk about your ex in a positive light (even when you are biting your tongue or saying nothing).

Try other churches who have more active singles groups. Check out divorce support groups too. You can find a man who loves both you and your daughter. Pray for the right man to come along at the right time.

Don't settle for less than you want or deserve. If you look back on this relationship with objective eyes and compare it to a list of what you want in a life partner, chances are this guy would fall short in many areas. Sometimes we are more in love with the relationship and the dream than the actual person.

Good luck.
S.

Please be aware that this guy will get 50% custody when he takes you to court -- which could be tomorrow or years from now. Leaving addicts is a double-edged sword, because yes, you get away from them, but later, the kids are alone with them. (You can't prove his addiction in court -- it's very hard to do.)

I speak from experience. I'm sorry.

Hi T.,
Well I have not been through a divorce/break up with a child so I can't help you there. What I can tell you is you absolutely deserve to have a ggod/decent man for you and your daughter! You are so strong and brave for leaving, you really do think you deserve better or you wouldn't have had the courage to leave! You really do and it is just a decision you need to make. I would like to suggest that maybe you get some counseling to find out why you hooked up with an addict( and don't tell me you didn't see it, or maybe you grew up with this so it is normal to you, sorry to be so blunt but sometimes the truth hurts). I know you are working so hard and going to counseling takes time and money but isn't your life and daughter worth it! S far as questions your daughter may have just be like Switzerland, neutral!
If you are a Christian than use your bible for reference, it will tell you what to expect from relationships!( and please, no living together without being married, especially now that you have a child!) And go to church, their are singles groups there! That is great you have your faith, have faith god will send you a good man! And maybe your boyfriend will clean up, either way he will be a part of your life in some way so don't get in the way of his relationship with your child. Good luck!