Support for the Terrible 3S

Hi H.-

My heart goes out to you. I have a very sensitive,strong willed child and the 3's have been the most challenging so far. I read the book "You Can't Make Me...but I can be persuaded" and that has helped me to get a better understanding of strong willed children in general. I have also implemented certain techniques of my own to help manage her limit testing. I will tell her it is time to do something like get dressed. She will think about it for a while, I will say it again after a few minutes and get her started and if she does not cooperate after that then I tell her I will count to 3 and if she does not cooperate on her own then she will get a time out or other consequence and I follow through immediately. I've also noticed that she identifies strongly with certain characters (like pricesses) and so sometimes I'll say "well how would Snow White ask" or "what do you think Ariel would do?" I also try to have something for her to look forward to or a little treat that she can have if she's being really stubborn just to change her mind set to something more pleasant. Every day is a series of different battles for me but slowly and with a lot of effort and cooperation from my husband she has gotten better.

I'm a big fan of the Book 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas Phalen. It works because you totally avoid the "talk-persuade-argue-yell-hit" syndrome and is easy to follow. Once you've implemented the super easy to understand and follow techniques, parenting becomes a breeze. It requires basically no talking and no emotion on your part - the end result is that your child gets a consistent consequence for each undesirable behavior but does NOT get a bunch on talking/justifying/rationalizing from you nor does he get an emotional reaction (both of these are the "he doesn't care if he gets negative feedback" that you explain in your post. You say you have difficulty ignoring the behavior - well, if you keep giving him attention then of course he's going to keep doing it! Instead, shift the attention to counting him into a time-out and then when he reaches 3, out he goes.

Your child is not a little adult. If you are a lecturer or explainer, remember that to most 3 year olds when you say "Joey, you know you're not supposed to hit people! That's not really nice! Don't do it again or you'll be in time out.", they really actually hear "Joey" (in your angry voice) "blah blah blah blah". No 3 year old sits there and thinks "You know what? Mom is right, it really is not nice to hit other people! Why, the world would be a wonderful place if we could all just be so pleasant!"

I'd ditch the rewards and incentives but keep the positive, verbal feedback. If you keep giving and giving rewards/feedback (i.e. things) he is going to come to expect presents/toys/things in order to behave. The world does not work like that. We do not get toys and gifts because we are behaved; it is expected that we as adults behave like civilized people. However, do not stop heaping the praise on all the good things he does!

Some good advise on parenting: Dvd by Barbara Coloroso, Winning at Parenting Without Beating Your Kids. Fun and informative!

Just stick to your guns, every kid has phases, some last longer than others. Continue to be consistent & firm, your sweet little boy will return eventually.

Good luck from a mom who has been there & will be again!

D.

Hi,

It is a phase but one that you will need to address. This will be an appropriate time to use the naughy area if you have not done so. I used much redirection, but my older daughter hit the terriable 3's too. I have stairs so I use the the naughty step for hitting or any other aggressive behavior that needs correction or a time out period:). If you have not done this it will take a few times of you sitting there with them to get them to stay. I always have my kids repeat back at the end of the period what they should they were sorry for what ever they did wrong and then I say I forgive them and that I love them with a hug and kiss.

It will lesson the other thing is afte the child does the aggressive behavior REMAIN CALM (hard to do lots of deep breathing helps...). Respond with that it is ok for you to be angery but it is not ok for you to take it out on others and you must use your kind words, and keep doing this over time (this may last untill they they are much older but eventually they will get the message). I hope this is helpful. They statement may be adjusted a bit by age level for vocabulary is more developmentally appropriate, and HANG in there!

L.

L.

My daughter is only 16 months old, but it seems to me that if your child is seeking attention, then you should give him attention. Can you start each day, after breakfast, with some serious quality time together? 30 minutes of doing whatever he wants, reading, puzzles, etc. How about planning some fun, unusual activities but not making any of it dependent on his behavior? If he starts to act up on the way out the door, then I'd tell him that until he does X, you can't go, but don't make going dependent on his behavior. Instead, try really, really hard to make it clear that NO MATTER WHAT HE DOES, you love him and want to have a fun day.

When he really acts up, I'd just say, "I cannot talk to you (help you, etc) until you have calmed down." I'd then try to really be compassionate towards what frustrated him, set him off, etc. but explain why he can't have it, etc.

Then I'd wait till the phase has past ;-)

In short, instead of doing rewards and consequences (Skinner behaviorism) why not try a more rational approach and see if he doesn't respond better to that?

I second M.R.'s advice. Your son needs limits. I urge you to implement a consistent system of discipline now....I have heard good things about the 1-2-3 approach. I doubt this is a phase that can be ignored unless you want to keep fighting this battle over and over again until he is too big for you to control. And I can tell you this is not a "boy" thing. Certain kids need more teaching and limiting when it comes to their behavior. I have boys and a girl and the need for discipline does not break down on gender lines. What you have to acceot is that a lot of the time using really effective discipline will not feel good!! That does not mean it is wrong - it is hard to see your child out of control and literally ready to burst with unhappiness. But you are the adult and you have to do what's best for your child in the long run. THe consequence for not sucking it up and doing the hard work of discipline now will just make the problem worse and more importantly hinder your ability to really enjoy and bond with your son. GOod luck!

This was posted so long ago that perhaps you've found some solutions for this by now. In case you'd like some more ideas, here are some from another resource...

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Best wishes,
J.

Stick to your guns - despite the hype for TERRIBLE TWO's, unfortunately each "month" is a new phase with new challenges! No one tells you about the TERRIBLE THREE's and beyond!!
I would say he is a typical 3 year old just testing his boundaries - eventually (as hard as it is to believe) it will pass! You will have to try different tactics until you find the one right for you and your family - we have tried MAGIC 1-2-3 with mixed good results.
Hang in there! It does get better.

Some children need spankings. I don't think u have to beat them but a tap on the behind or back of the hand is sometimes enough to deter them from the unwanted behavior.

Go to your local library and rent a video called "1, 2 , 3 Magic". It will make such a huge difference.

~C.