hi P.:
i have three boys and i can totally understand your situation...
because i have dedicated my life to my children, until i got so sick that i decided to re-evaluate my support system. i found my self very lonely at times, because i was doing everything for my boys...i taught them all the things that were important to me, like art, music, and sports, besides regular school and family activities. and even though i have a husband, he dedicated most of his time to work and left everything else to me... i had to recognize that i was also the one that allowed him to dump everything on me, so i started to built my network of friends again. i got involved in art, music, and found i have three really good friends.... my husband and i ended up separating for three years... we almost got divorce , until he apologized and started to take care of the sports and other activities....my 2 older boys ended up leaving the music classes i spent so many years cultivating. but, those were the consequences i had to accept for letting them deal with their dad because they are 17 , 14 and 12, so they have strong very independent personalities...
i always remember that einstein hated his mother for forcing him to practice the violin when he was small, yet it was his refuge when he was an adult.... we have to let them make their own choices and many times that means allowing them to make mistakes... for the way you describe your daughter, she is a typical teen that wants the trendy clothes,etc,etc... don't under estimate her values, all the things you taught her are inside her... this is just a face... and very important for her to live those dreams... and she will pull out all her knowledge you are giving her when ever she needs it.... for now as long as she spends her budget on what ever she likes, and does not ask you to give her more money for other things that were part of her budget is ok dear P.... i remember spending most of my money on shoes and jewelery when i was a young teen, but i also had to make due with my choices because that meant not buying other clothes and many times not buying the necessary things like socks for school, so i had to hand wash my two pairs for weeks until i was able to raise that money, either working in the garden or tutoring ...
i out grew that face, just like many teens... i am back in school right now trying to get my ma... i quit my job and only teach part time, as to allow me to go to school,etc..
i have a social life now, so my kids know that certain days they stay home and take care of their youngest brother, they do the laundry most of the time, they clean their room on a daily basis, and their dad and i help them once a month...
they also learned to do simple things like rice, boil potatoes, roast what ever i leave for them,etc, so the burden is not all on me anymore.... they many times ruin clothes, burn the foods and cleaning means stuffing everything in their closet, but that is how we all learn... is not the way i cleaned and kept my house , but what is most important to me is that they are learning to take care of them selves... and being flexible allows me to dedicate time to be with them at the movies sometimes, we go to restaurants sometimes, to the park, to their soccer games... and yes, many times we come home to a dirty house, but we all get together and start cleaning while i cook,or they cook and i clean,etc..
please take time to built your support network... because your kids have a life of their own, and is important for you to have friends, lovers, relatives, acquaintances,etc,etc... life is beautiful, please take the time to enjoy it...
warmly,
sandy