Swear to God

This is NOT normal!!!!! You both need counseling, or you go alone if he won't! He's got issues he needs to straighten out!!

L. F.

You have a bigger problem than words. Your husband is emotionally abusing you. He is making you say the words:
1) because he wants you to be a position where you need to defend yourself, 2) to turn around and accuse you of lying to make you feel guilty, and
3) to take the focus off of himself, because if you are to busy feeling guilty about something that you have done, you won't be paying attention to the things he is doing.
This is a classic sign of an abuser. If you want to stay with this man I highly advise marriage counseling, with or without him. If you are willing to end the marriage, I would advise a good divorce attorney.
And incidentally, I would also suggest that you stop swearing anything on anyone's life. Your not comfortable with it, it obviously isn't working, and it never will. He is just trying to manipulate you.

Let me get this straight, he is saying (1) that you lie several times a day and (2) that all black people cheat on their spouses? Or is it that all black people accuse their spouses of lying?

NO, this is NOT normal. It's offensive, racist, and emotionally abusive, is what it is.

(added note: She told me in a message that he means that all black people make each other Swear to God as a test)

Apparently, if it's a "black thing" and everyone else he knows does it, it must be OK. Is he in Jr. High? It's your business if you're married to a man who doesn't trust you, doesn't work, and cheats on you, but you may want to ask yourself why you are willing to settle for being treated like this. This isn't a marriage, it's a parent-child relationship.

Pretty silly, if you ask me. What good does it do him to have someone he does not trust say anything at all? I mean, if he does not trust you (for what ever crazy reason) what ever you say is just as untrustworthy.

Conseling, swear to God...it is the best thing for him.

M.

First off - I believe you do not lie.
Second - If he does not believe you, it's because he lies, and because he can not be trusted he thinks every one else can not be trusted.
Third - You are an absolute SAINT for putting up with this for 18 years. I would never have lasted as long as that in a marriage where there is no trust.
It's not normal. At a minimum - get some marriage counseling, but getting a lawyer (and a divorce) is the most likely way to resolve this once and for all.
Actually, this sums it up pretty well:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-jJd_2eqcA&feature=re...

Not normal. You have bigger problems than "swearing to God". Saying " I swear to God " is one thing, actually making someone swear on their parent's/child's life is another. He doesn't believe you. He doesn't trust you. Swearing to God 3 - 6 times a day? That is really hard to live with! Can you get counseling?

My Pastor talked a few weeks ago about this. It was about speaking curses. He said there are some things you should never do. One of them is swearing on the lives of loved ones. Their lives don't belong to us to offer up as a proof of truth. He said also when a person "swears on the lives of thier kids or thier mothers grave or something" to prove how sincere and truthful they are being, that it tells him that unless they are swearing, you can't believe a word they are saying! That being said, it is a cultural thing in the black community. And I used to do it. It worked for me. I'd say "put that on something" If he hesitated at all I knew he was lying.
But all this is definitley not the biggest problem here. Your husband is home with nothing to keep his mind busy but his jealousy and his own shortcomings. He knows he doesn't deserve you, so of course, in his mind, you're going to find someone else. Plus, A guilty heart is a jealous heart. He doesn't trust you because he knows how easy it is to get away with stuff. If he's at home he probably feels immasculated and that can be real trouble. Many men will get more controlling, jealous, and turn to bullys, just to make themselves feel more manly and in control. It is also a cheating trigger. You make him feel like a failure because you are taking the role of the man of the house. He can go get some little piece of trash to stroke his ego and make him feel like a man. The chase is good for his ego and all this spells serious trouble for you. I know all this from experience. There could be an escalation of his controlling behavior. There could be diseases he's passing to you. You need to evaluate your life and figure out if he doesn't change his behavior, can you live with it?

This is very much taking the Lord's name in vain according to the original interpretations of the Bible. I come from a minister's family, and then was a Religious Studies major, and I learned that the early interpretation of this Hebrew commandment was, in fact, that thou should not swear by God and thus take his name in vain. I would never swear to God on anyone's life, even if that wasn't the case, however, because it feels very disrespectful and morbid.

BTW, I don't know if it's a "black thing," (I doubt it) but I expect my husband to take me at my word, no matter his race.

I agree with other posters- this is an issue your husband needs to work out. It may be that the phrase is one he grew up with- but that is no excuse for not trusting you and feeling he has to call on the Almighty everytime he wants you to tell him something!!

I think you need to sit down with him- with a counselor or pastor from your church maybe? And talk about why he feels you might be lying to him without corroboration from God himself!

Trust is trust- it sounds like he is either paranoid about this- or possibly feeling guilty himself and trying to project it onto you. Either way, no, it doesn't sound healthy or normal. Go to see a counselor or minister with him and talk about this! Good luck!

I was married to a cheating man a long time ago, and yes, he always accused me of cheating. Go figure. I couldn't go out with my friends because he couldn't "trust" me either. Hind sight is 20/20, and I see clearly that it was his guilty conscience from the things HE was doing. Making you swear to god?? He's acting like a 6 year old. While no one should encourage you to divorce this man, you really should seek some counseling to see if there is any chance of resolution. Best of luck to you.

It is certainly not healthy! You don't need to put up with controlling, stupid behavior like that! Since he has cheated, he thinks that everyone does it, including you. He doesn't "trust" you, because he can't be trusted. All of this is "normal" for controlling, cheating and abusive people...it is not a "black" thing or any other color thing. You should not have to swear on anything...you should be trusted!

Dear M.,
A person with an unclean conscience will see their own issues in the lives of others. In other words, if your husband isn't trusting you, and you know that he has every reason to trust you, it is probably because HE is untrustworthy. He sees the lies and deceit in his own life, sees that you cannot see it, and assumes you must have the same lies in your life.

It is an abomination to God for you to swear to God. The third commandment is You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not leave him unpunished who takes His name in vain. (Deut. 5:11) And, in James 5:12 it says, But above all, my brethren, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or with any other oath; but your yes is to be yes, and your no, no, so that you may not fall under judgement.
Do you want to fall under judgement for this? It is a far greater woe to you to fall under the judgement of God than to be harrassed by your husband who is asking you to do an unlawful thing (to God). I'm so sorry you have a difficult husband.

not normal. controlling, belittling, disrespectful, humiliating, infuriating, did I mention disrespectful? It's all those things, but not normal.

I'm sorry that you are living with this. You don't deserve it. What would happen if you stopped playing his game?

Its taken 18y to get mad about it??

Just kidding. Sort of. Just stop saying it. He's just going to twist what you say anyway, so don't give him the pleasure. He either believes you or he doesn't.

I don't believe this is normal or right. It sounds like he is projecting his guilt on to you and you are letting him. If it's possible discuss it with him and go form there. If he's not willing to work to change it (18 years is a lot to change), then ask yourself if you can live with it the rest of your life. Then you will have the answer to the real question you want answered.

Hello M. --

You know it's not normal.
You know he has a serious problem.
You know that the problem goes far deeper
than requiring that you "swear to God".

See if you can find a GOOD therapist
who will work with you as an individual.

After a few sessions, see if you can get
your husband to come with you.
The therapist will help you with this.

You might also want to consult with an attorney . . . .
just to cover all the bases.

Sending encouragement . . . .
and trust your gut.
You know what's "normal" and what's not "normal".

S.

M. - I just read one of your previous posts. Your husband left last November - did you let him back just to take care of your son? I know you stated he is great with your son but what is he teaching him about respect, integrity and honesty. Your son is learning from your husband exactly how to treat you when he is older.

You need out of this relationship for your sake and your kid's sake you don't need them to turn out like your husband.

Good luck. xx

Normal? No, not normal. I've been with my husband for 20 years and I cannot recall one time where either of us has ever asked the other to "Swear to God" about anything, not even jokingly. We trust each other so if we say it, we know it's the truth. If you don't have that type of relationship with your spouse, how can you trust them? And how ridiculous is it for him to ask you to do it, and then chastise you for doing what he asks?

The bottom line is for some reason, he doesn't trust you. It could be because you've lied to him in the past or maybe because he's the liar and has trouble trusting others as a result. I recommend professional counseling. I personally would never want to be married to someone who doesn't trust me or whom I can't trust.

Blessings,
N.

M.,

Much more going on here then the "Swear to God" issue. Next time it comes up just don't do it. None of the behaviors you describe are "normal"...His or your's. Time for some major changes.

Blessings....

This is not normal, this is crazy. Get a good lawyer.

I don't think you should swear to God unless you are truly meaning an oath to him. The way it seems you are using it is more of a gesture, not so much a true oath to God, and therefore would be misusing it. I think I'd have to say
"if you don't believe me by me just saying it is true, then I don't think anything I say will change your mind" There is a trust issue in your marriage that has to be addressed more so than this saying.

sounds like your husband needs to be the one asking for advice somewhere. He sounds untrusting and manipulative, now if you have never given him any solid reason to doubt you then he is being the one in the wrong.

It sounds like he is projecting things unto you, People always hate in other people what they really hate about themeselves., he figures since he is a liar and a cheat, you must be too. Its very common.

Now about him saying "its a black thing", That is complete garbage, and he is basically dragging his sex AND race into the dirt. There is such a thing as a black man who doesnt cheat, im certain of it. What kind of a man defends himself by sticking to the negative aspects of a stereotype?

I am offended, and im a white woman!, I cant imagine how people would feel who are pointed at directly in his scenario.

To answer the question, no, I would never swear on anyone, not even if it would mean the difference between being thought a liar and being thought truthful, My loved ones are sacred to me, and it is not in my power to swear over them.

Not normal. He sounds like a jerk. Sorry.

No it is not normal. Sometimes not for any reason at all I swear to God and my husband gets on to me and tells me how wrong it is. I have gotten out of the habit (not that I did it all that often). Sounds like the "swearing" is the least of your worries. I hope you can find a resolution that honors you and your children's well being.

my answer to my kids when they say that is "Dont swear to God, he doesnt like it."

He seriously said it's a black thing?! Big question is why the heck doesn't he work? Perhaps if he got a job he wouldn't act like a child. Does everyone he knows sit around & beat down their wives too. Why would you let a selfish, demeaning boy treat you like this for 18 years, I am hoping this is a typo & you meant 18 months. I don't know what he brings to your table for you to stay with him but perhaps you should really rethink this relationship.

You need to start "swearing" on HIS life

.

NOT normal and NOT good! Please seek counseling (a cognitive behavior counselor, make sure they are this type as they are the best imo!) and if you can get him to go the better and if not you can still go by yourself. Good luck, that's a horrible situation!

This behavior is toxic. He has trust issues...he needs to fix...not demand you to do anything. Get professional help for this relationship if he refuses to seek help then get out!

Wow. I see two big issues here. One is his lack of trust, when you haven't done anything to deserve his lack of trust (as far as I can tell). Secondly is the constant need to take God's name in vain. We don't even say "gosh" in our home because it is too close to God's name. Some people think we're overboard, but most really appreciate it when we explain (or at least they're respectful). To answer your question, no, none of that is normal. At all.

Good luck to you, hon.

He's being controlling, manipulative and abusive. You two need marriage counseling ASAP! This isn't normal. I would never stand for this kind of behavior. We DO NOT take the Lord's name in vain, nor do we use His name for anything other than praise, worship and praying! Family is almost as sacred so it's a big fat NO GO on that one as well.

Also, don't let him get away with playing the race card! That's a truly sick thing to do to your SPOUSE!

Any time you use Gods name in vain like that, it is wrong!

And it's not "normal" for him to make you promise about everything..... There is some definite trust issues going on. Perhaps you should seek couples counseling with a local pastor.

You have to swear to GOD on your loved one's lives? Who is this "everyone he knows" who does this "all the time"? Have you heard it?

And does he mean THEY swear to God? Or they FORCE their partners to do so? If it's so normal, I guess that's why he does it. Oh wait no - he's insisting YOU do it. What he is doing is disrespectful and mean. Let me tell you a story...

I used to be in a common law marriage with a man I'll call "A". When he went with me to meet my family, I asked him never ever ever to leave the room when my Uncle "J" was there.

One day, he left the room when Uncle J was there. The rest of the family WAS there - and maybe I wasnt' clear, but anyway- Uncle J playfully sat on my lap, which was OK, I guess, even though he outweighs me by 100+ pounds. He then began to twist my arm. I said "Please stop, that hurts" several times. Finally Uncle J's wife said "that's enough" and he stopped.

Later when I told "A" what happened, he said to me "J" seems like a nice guy and I didn't see that happen. So I don't know that it really happened."

NOW - besides thinking Uncle J is a jerk (and that the family has issues), what do you think of "A's" response? Does it seem reasonable to you? Or does he sound like a jerk too?

I look back and wonder why I stayed so long with someone who didn't believe anything I said unless he SAW it happen. And no, I'd never lied to him either. Liars always think everyone ELSE is lying.

I'll say it again. What your husband is doing is MEAN.

Well, I think the words are nothing as far as being wrong, but your husband sounds like an insecure idiot! Why are you married to him? He's cheated on you and he acts like this (it's called being emotionally abusive) -and you're still with him? He "stays at home" and you work? I'm sorry, but I just don't understand why you are bothering with him at all at this point. Also, I'm white, but I work with and know quite a few black people very well, and I actually don't recall hearing any of them ever say "swear to God" about anything. That in itself sounds mentally unbalanced. I would get far, far away from him!

No it is Not NORMAL

Updated

No it is Not NORMAL

well I dont even see it as an issue to say it as a kid, just for fun, to your BFF whatever...but to your husband to prove something! I am so sorry but I dont think I am going to tell you something you dont already know but this is a bigger issue than that and I think there are problems in your marriage. I think some councling would be very helpful. Again sorry for my opinion and remember it is just that. do what you think is best and much love and good luck!

Nothing in your request or question sounds normal and it certainly doesn't sound like a marriage. Let's see commitment issues, trust issues, unfaithfulness...I'm thinking 18 years is long enough so hit the door (with your kiddos). It will be hard especially if this has been acceptable for this long and your still there. Another hint, those that are always blaming and implying others are doing something wrong are usually the ones doing something wrong themselves.

It's not normal. I wouldn't do it. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. I hope you two have gone to counseling especially if he's cheated on you. My heart goes out to you.

No, it's not normal. God knows you're telling the truth and if he doesn't believe you and he's the one who's been cheating, then that's his fault. One thing I noticed from experience when my guy was doing his dirt is he would try to get all the reassurance from me or make it look like I had the problem when he was actually feeling guilty about something he had done or was doing something with someone else. Maybe all the asking is to make himself feel better about something he's done or is doing. Tell him to get a life and exscuse my french, but f off. I don't like people to swear, especially in the name of God. He knows if you're telling the truth, so there's nothing to prove to man.

I don't know if you are a Christian but in the bible Matthew 5:34 thru 37 is of great help to you. "But I tell you, Do not swear at all: either by heaven, for it is God's throne, or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' be 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.
I hope these verses from Matthew helped you.

not normal!, Get into counseling as soon as possible. There are alot of problems there to be worked on together and apart.

I have been married to a black man for 15 years and he has never asked me to swear on anything. I think your husband might have some control issues.

Get some helpful friends around you and please read the book the Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. Your husband sounds like a narcissist- read Sam Vaknin's work online about this and you will feel validate-you are not crazy, he is the one with issues. But be careful he wont like it when you figure this out. Good luck- from someone who's been there.

This is NOT normal behavior. Since he is not trustworthy he cannot believe you are - thus requiring you to swear. However, if he thinks you are not trustworthy, swearing on anything won't make any difference except to make YOU miserable. I would recommend counseling and possibly a separation or divorce (and I'm not one to normally recommend divorce). If he is not willing to go to counseling with you - go alone and work through the issues yourself so that you have a good understanding of what you can and should do. This is not a "black" or "white" thing - it is a control/dominance thing and it is not healthy for a marriage. If the only way he can feel powerful is by controlling and abusing you, then there is a big problem. Marriage is about love and trust and it has to flow both ways between 2 people.

Tell him to grow up! That is something 10 year olds do.

The problem is not the "swearing to god," the problem is that he has such a lack of trust in you. It's not normal to have so little trust in your spouse.

no, not normal. strange in fact. i could understand someone saying that for one huge thing but having you do it for everything?

i dont know what advice to give, or even if you want any, but i will say he isnt doing himself favors. like everything in life, as soon as you start doing something all the time, it loses its importance. if i had to swear to God 3-6 times a day, after awhile i would just be going through the motions. too bad he doesnt realize he is just desensitizing you!