My 7-year old daughter is a very strong willed child, and does not "go with the flow" EVER! Anything she is asked or told to do is met with negotiations at best, and straight up "NO" a lot of the time. She still explodes in to HUGE tantrums when things don't go her way... it's insane. It is also crossing over in to her friendships. She never wants to play what the other kids do, and is so inflexible that she is having a hard time getting along with any of her friends recently. She is sweet, generous, loving, funny... but her "My Way or the Highway" attitude is exhausting to me, and becoming a problem in her relationships with her friends.
Any suggestions?????
Sounds like she may be helped with some counciling sshe has to be taught how to get along with people or her life will become misry do it for her goood luck raised4 andnow have 7 grandchildren A. no hills
You might want to check out the book "Temperament Tools" by Helen Neville - she talks about the different types of temperaments and how to understand what sorts of things set off a certain type of temperament, to help you work *with* your child's temperament instead of feeling like you're always having to work against it. http://www.temperamenttools.com/index.html
I highly recommend the book "Parenting with Love and Logic." This will give you some amazing strategies (that work!) for coping with this kind of situation. I use the "teaching with love and logic" philosophy in my classroom (with high schoolers) and it works like a charm!
For a very different approach, you may want to research the child psychologist, John Rosemond. He has a more 1950s approach to parenting. I've used many of his strategies with great success as well.
When my youngest son was going through this stage, I really emphasized the correct answer being "yes, mom" or picking one of the 2-3 options I presented. Anything outside of "yes, mom" or picking one of my options was an automatic time-out in his room. If he couldn't "go with our flow," he was uninvited from "the flow." This works with friends. When she doesn't have any and she gets lonely, she'll start to unbend (at least, that's what my son did). Underpinning this whole philosophy was the concept that I'm the one in charge and it is disrespectful to not "go with the flow."
"Parenting with Love and Logic" taught me how to do all that without guilt and with a really big smile...much less exhausting than arguing all the time.
My son went through a phase when he didn't have many, if any, kids to play with because of his attitude. When he was tired of being alone, he came to me, "Mom, no one likes me." At that point, he was very receptive to strategies about including other people's ideas.
Some of us just need to learn the hard way. It's ok. Now that my son has learned these lessons, everyone else can see how sweet, generous, loving and funny he really is. It was hard at the time, but the rewards were worth it.
Take care,
Steph :)
I don't really have any advice - I just wanted to say, I've been there!! My second daughter was just exhausting. She, too, could be sweet, generous, loving and funny, but too often those traits got overlooked or lost in all the arguing.
She was extremely defiant and oppositional, with adults and other children, and she alienated lots of other kids. When she'd have friends over, she'd bark orders at them and plan exactly what she wanted them to say and do ("You take this doll. Now make her say this."), as if the other kids were giant toys as well. When I'd pull her aside and say, "You need to ask guests what THEY want to play, and let them have first choice of toys (or videos or whatever)," she'd get very angry and say, "It's MY house! I get to decide!" She thought I was a terrible and mean parent for telling her to put other people's feelings first.
As she entered junior high, she started to realize that what she was doing wasn't working, so she went completely in the opposite direction, doing and saying whatever the other kids were doing, or what she thought they wanted her to do. We still had the endless arguments, but she'd now say things like, "No one is ever going to like me if I have to follow all these rules!" She still looks back fondly on those years, saying, "I finally had friends," but I just shudder. Some of those "friends" were pretty scary. She thought I was a terrible and mean parent for telling her when she was being used or taken advantage of, and she thought I was a tyrant for insisting that my rules be followed at home.
In high school and college, she tried to find the appropriate middle ground of considerate vs. doormat, argumentative vs. caving in. She's 22 now, and becoming a delightful adult, but negotiating emotional issues and other people's needs is still often baffling and difficult for her. She's very generous, but often fails to see when she's being taken advantage of. She'll still say inappropriately hurtful things and be baffled when feelings get hurt. Still, it's a night and day difference from her childhood!!
We've had more actual fun being around her in the last few years than we did ever before, so I think she'll continue to fine tune her behavior and "get it." None of us is ever finished growing and learning.
Wait, I do have one piece of advice - be EXTREMELY consistent! Do what you know is the right thing every time. Any inconsistancy will undo months of progress. Your patience will get a workout - hang in there!
Read "The Explosive Child" by David Greene. He has a great method for living peacefully with highly inflexible and easily frustrated children. It worked well for us, better than any reward or punishment ever worked. We started it when our daughter's tantrums and control issues were going from bad to worse when she was 6. She's 8 now, and we use the book's "Plan B" method all the time. It helps her feel she has more control over her life and solving her own problems before resorting to meltdown, "it's my way or the highway" tantrums. Good luck!
Hi J.,
My daughter can also be strong willed. I have started something new with her, but I don't know if it works quite yet, however seems like a good idea. I have sat down with her and outlined, on a scale of one to five, what different levels of anger feel like. A "one" might be her feeling only slightly annoyed, like a TV show not on when she thought it would be and a "five" would be the angriest she's felt, ever. When she loses her temper over something insignificant, I tell her, as calmly as possible, that her level of anger is not appropriate for what just happened. So far, it has helped me realize her levels of anger are not necessarily my levels of anger.
A teacher friend of mine learned this from a book and I thought it might be worth a try. Again, I don't know if it works quite yet, and I have just initiated this myself, but it's worth a try, perhaps!
I have also noticed that her mood is almost always in sync with mine. When I am feeling particularly stressed out or in the middle of my PMS, I find that she is at her most ill behaved. Getting my own stress under control through exercise and just getting out with my friends some nights has helped significantly.
Finally, once school starts, you might try talking to her teachers about it. I'm sure they've seen it all, and some might have some good ideas about how to handle it at home.
Good luck!
L.
There is a great book and video called 1,2,3 Magic that I swear by! I started using the techniques when my kids were 3 years old, and still use them today on a different level, at 10 and 12 years. It's a great book. I suggest you check it out! R. P.
One way to help her might be to give her specific "in charge" times and situations---"For the next half hour, you chose what we'll do." or "You're in charge of making cookies/a chore/ a game." Then express to her what a great job she did or gently tell her how to improve her "leadership personality" giving her ideas of ways to be a good leader to her friends. When time/activity is up, let her know that it is the end her turn and let her know it's important to be a good follower too. Give her suggestions about how to be good at that too. It may take a while of consistent one on one time, but well worth it. Remember too, that unfortunately, many times our children are a reflection of ourselves. But not always.
Do you practice spanking in your home? My guess is that you don't. I'm not talking about reactionary spanking on sporatic occasions. You need to set your boundaries, your disciplinary reaction, and be consistent. I know that is hard, but your daughter sounds like she is insecure. Your loving consistency will make all the difference in the world.
For "disciplinary reaction" I don't think that some of the flaking parenting methods that many people employ today are working. Look around. Your issue with your daughter is so commonplace. It's pretty much the norm today. The 1-2-3 counting is a joke. It teaches children that they don't really have to obey you when you speak, only when you threaten them. Time outs/restrictions teach children to get along just fine out of relationship with their parents.
I applaud you for asking this question. It takes great care of love for your daughter to do so. I pray that you find an answer that will work for you.
My 6 year old son is the exact same way! I have no advice to you but I am interested in what others have to say. It is completely exhausting to have a child like this because it is constant. I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with him!
My son who is now 12 years old was like that until his friends would not put up with that My Way or No Way and didn't invite him to play with them. I realized that he needed to learn on his own, because they will not beleive you if you try and tell her to be more open and easy going. She will learn that she can not doing things or go places if she is not more go with the flow with others. I told my son that until he can play like the others and be more open to how he does things and where we go, then he will have to stay home. It is something he had to learn the hard way! It is a previlige to get to play with friends and go places and until she can do that without throwing a fit. However it will be hard for you to put your foot down and not let her throw the fits and be stubborn and it will pay off in the long run! Good Luck and your the parent and let her know that!
Sounds like you need to start having the same attitude as your daughter. Your way or the highway. She need to have more respect for you and the only way to get that is to NOT give in. If my daughter (3 years) doesn't want to do something and starts crying about it, I tell her to go into her room because I don't want to hear it...I always ignore her whining. She knows that if she acts a certain way, she gets NOTHING. Of course, I started this from the get go, so she's well aware and it never last long.
Try having a "I don't care" attitude about her temper tantrums at home (walking away from them) and see what happens. It may take a while, but when she sees that her tantrum is not having an effect on you, she'll get the point.
If it is really out of control, you might have to strip her of all toys and make her earn them back. That's what the "Super Nanny" does.
I'm sure this is taking a toll on your life, so start today, and let her know that you are the boss. You might have to get really tough. Either she does what you say, or you stay home and do nothing...in her empty room. She needs a serious attitude adjustment, and you are the only person who can do it. Be tough, and stand your ground. You may have to turn into a different person when dealing with her, but it will be worth it in the end when she changes her attitude.
I wish you all the luck in the world!
