Tactfully Declining Invite to Friends Dirty House

you can say 'i'm sorry, the cat smell is too strong for us' without gagging and or telling her it makes you sick or going overboard describing it.
simply unembellished truth.
makes life SO much easier.
khairete
S.

I agree, you should tell her the truth in a nice way. You can just say "I'm sorry, I just can't handle the cats that you have. They are making me ill, can we meet in a neutral place?"

If she asks why, just tell her that the smell bothers you. She probably doesn't smell it because she lives there. I have to say, that sometimes I don't notice that the cat box smells, but then I'll leave and come back and realize that I need to change it right away! We scoop daily, but sometimes the smell is overpowering and we have to scoop more often. You don't notice it if you live there.

You'd be doing her a kindness it telling her. Just do it in a tactful way, saying as little as possible while maintaining the truth.

Such a touchy subject....Maybe you can see if there is a park in between the two of you. You could meet, have a picnic, the kids could play etc.

You would be doing her kids a favor if you tell her the truth.

Just tell her that you and your son can't handle the cats. They make you feel sick...Your eyes water, nose runs, etc. That's the truth, right?

Instead of expecting her to drive to your house? Try a neutral location like a park or a pool (during the summer). If you both belong to the YMCA - meet there.

Personally? I think 10 cats is too many. That's just not right in a home. That's MY opinion. Just tell her you can't handle the cats. Be honest. Not that they are NASTY - you don't need to be nasty - just tell her you can't handle the cats.

Good luck!!

I think you just need to kindly and gently say, "Honey, I can't come to your house. The smell of the cats makes me ill. Let's meet at the MacDonalds." Tell her you love her, but your stomach can't take the smell of the ammonia.

What else is there to do?

Dawn

If you don't have cats yourself, then lie and say you've developed an allergy and can no longer go over and see if you can meet at a neutral location by her house. Sorry, that's the best I've got. Good luck!

My sister had an apartment with that horrible cat smell. I hated going there too but she was my sister. I figured she knew her house stunk. However, one day she said to me, "I would be horrified if I was one of those people that had a horrible cat smelling house and didn't know it". I was a deer in the headlights. I said nothing to her then and nothing since. Though she no longer has the cat smell since that one cat died. I don't regret my choice.
However, it could be the nicest thing you do for her, to in genuine friendship tell her its honestly unpleasant. I can almost guarantee you she does not think its as bad as it really is.

My (now adult) son was in the fourth grade when he came home sad that some peers said he smelled like cat pee. I JUMPED on it. The issue was that he liked to have his cat with him in his tiny bedroom (litter box in the closet out of the way).

We moved the cat to the spare bedroom and washed all of his clothes to remove the smell.

I understand the need to meet in homes rather than in neutral spaces (kids, cost, etc).

Be very gentle. Tell her that all of a sudden the smell seems stronger... or something to that nature. Don't lose a friend. As we get older fun friends are hard to make.

If you want to continue meeting her without being direct...just say, "Hey, you know what, I got a splitting headache the last few times I was at your house and finally had it checked....turns out the doctor says I have to avoid cats. Can we just do my place?"

lie and tell her that your son is allergic to cats you think so its best you do it at your house. Tell her that last time he was itchy all night long and thats the only thing that you could think it might be.

Again.. Is there not an ordinance with the city?

Example:: I visit my brothers house as little as possible. Thank God I'm a plane trip plus drive away. I love him and his family and they have huge giving hearts.

BUT: I can't handle the 3+ dogs inside and 6+ dogs outside bombarding me.

I'm a dog lover and I can't handle this.

When I go visit... I take everyone out to dinner to avoid going to their house.

Meet at a neutral place. It will help!!

Easy, cat allergies.

This isn't answering your question directly, but is there a city ordinance about number of cats? Here, it is illegal to have more than three, or you have to get a variance. This is so unhealthy for them and for the cats. I would anonymously report her.

Otherwise, take the direct approach and say "I love to visit with you, but I just can't handle the cat smell..."

We visit particular friends who have lots of cats about once a year and this year the scent of cat was significantly stronger. If we visited them more at their home, I would be forced to come up with a way to say something. We have 2 cats ourselves but after a couple of hours there my throat started to bother me. If you don't want to say something like "your house stinks" you might try "the scent of cat seems stronger - might one of your cats have a health issue?" Our normally perfectly housetrained cat started having accidents when he became very very sick. It could be an "in" to the conversation about how you would prefer to meet somewhere else.

My best friend has 2 cats and her place TOTALLY stinks sometimes! Bleh.
So, maybe cuz she's my bestie I can say this, but when I walk in and it's potent I say, "Girrrrl, pee -U! Your house smells like cat!"
Then I open a window.
But, she and I have been friends for 10 years! You know her better than all of us, would she be cool with a "joke"?
If not, I totally agree with WildWoman(one)....meet in a neutral place!
L.

What about doing picnics at a park during the day that is more or less in the middle between you? Is that an option? That way you can still do cheaper food from home, but aren't going to anyone's house and keeping the distance pretty equal every time.

Just hold on for a little while. Her landlord and maintenance people might be your knights in shining armor. She sounds like a good friend. You can, if necessary, start to claim a minor cat allergy. The kids are too far apart to be automatic playmates, so I wouldn't force that issue.

I foster for a local rescue group and have had up to a dozen cats in my house. No smell. Several litter boxes scooped twice a day. No smell. The problem is that your friend isn't taking care of her cats and is allowing them to pee and poop anywhere they please.

Since the kids really aren't the same age as yours an option might be to meet somewhere for coffee or hang at a local park. If she's not up for that then I'd probably say something about the smell from the cats. She might be a fun person but there's no way I'd hang at that disgusting house.

i would try to be as gentle as possbile if you really like this person and want to continue the friendship- people that have issues with having too many animals can get very defensive if you confront them about it....this may sound bad but your son is only 4 so i would kind of blame it on him.. next time she invites you over tell her you feel really really bad and you were trying to avoid saying anything because you dont want to hurt her feelings but that everytime you leave their house your son says his throat hurts/has a headache and that it smells funny in their house.. suggest that maybe its because of the cats, but again make sure you tell her you feel bad saying it to her but you feel that you have to... i feel like from what youre saying this woman has way more cats than is necessary or than she can handle.. so if you just say oh my sons allergic, its not going to make her think anything of it.. i think mentioning something about the smell/"how it effects your son" may get her thinking .. make sure you tell her that they are more thn welcome at your house anytime they want

It's not that you do not know what to say, it is that you are AFRAID to say what you really feel. If she is your friend, then you are being a hyporite to her. I know it sounds harsh, but it is the truth. Just get enough guts and tell her, you would love to come, but honestly I do not like to be around so many cats, so I think we should do or go somewhere else.

If she gets upset and take offense, apologize and move on.

why not do girls night outings? find cheap or free things to do, or if you J. go to her house without your kid it wont matter as much?

I would stick to meeting for coffee somehwere in between. That way noone's stuck driving a lot and the cat house issue is avoided. I don't know of a nice way to tell her that her house is gross. I mean, I'm sure she knows, but no one really wants to hear the truth, you know? I suppoese you could claim one of you were allergic to cats?

I would let her know that you are now aware of the dangers of breathing in cat ammonia and you can't expose yourself or your son to it anymore. Say a friend told you. Here's some pages I found... http://www.ehow.com/list_###-###-####_effects-breathing-a...
and
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_are_side_effects_of_breath...
It's really very unhealthy when the odor is that bad. You, your son and obviously she should not be breathing it. I watch a lot of animal shows where "animal cops" go into homes to remove cats and they always wear masks or respirators so they don't breathe it and they continually talk about how bad it is for people. I think that you having a health concern about this subject is a very good "excuse" to not go to her house and you won't have to lie about it. :-)

Why not try approaching it with hey why don't we go to the park with our kids? That way everyone can get out and you can still enjoy a cookout if you'd like. You can kindly let her know that the cat smell it bothersome to you and would prefer it if you could hang out outside of her home. Why are you cooped up inside anyhow? There's no sense in keeping everyone cooped up in the house unless the weather doesn't permit you all to enjoy the outdoors. I suggest spending time in her yard.

How about saying thanks but no thanks it is my lazy weekend or it's one on one time with my kiddo.Appreciate the offer,etc
Simple enough one can believe.Good Luck!

I would not want to hurt her feelings either. I would say that you found out from the doctor that your allergic to cats, dogs...furry animals. Otherwise you will have to tell her the truth that the all the animal smells bother you. I myself find it hard to breath when someone has cats and kitty litter. I do not even bother to go to someones home that has cats.

Can you ask to meet somewhere close by? Like "oh, my son likes the mcdonald's playplace near your house, wanna meet there and eat while the kids play?" Or "well, it's way too nice of a day to be inside! How about picnic at the park?"

Although I guess at night that might not be as easy. Good luck! I also have a friend with a filthy house, but I generally just suck it up and go, she doesn't have a lot of pets so at least it's not stinky.