Talking to 2Yr Old About Death

First, congrats on being a strong enough mom to let your daughter deal with death. Death is a part of life and parents that sheild their children from family members or close friends dying are not doing their children any favors. My father died, suddenly, of a heart attack, in front of all of us, when I was 12. I had never been to a wake or funeral before. Trust me, you don't want your funeral to be your child's first. My husband and I have always brought our kids to wakes of close friends and family. Your daughter will handle this better than you will. You have a relationship with your grandmother, that your daughter does not. You will cry and it will be because you are going to miss her. Tell her that. Tell her it's okay to cry. We just lost our 84 year old neighbor last week. My daughters were very close to her since they saw her every day. They are now 7 & 4 and we have lived in the house for 9 years so they grew up with her being there. My four year old said at the service on Sunday "I miss Sandy already, but I know that she is up in heaven and that she can see me in my pretty dress." The tough part with her passing was that fact that she was being cremated. My daughters have been to wakes but there has always been a casket. She has only been really sick the last couple of months. The morning that she passed, I had already taken my oldest daughter to school. The family called me and asked if I would like to see her before they took her away. I thought about my oldest & how she would feel if she never saw her again, if she came home from school, found out she died and did not get to say goodbye at the wake.... I had a moment of panic. I called my husband at work and we decided that I should go get her at school and let her come and say goodbye. I am so glad that I did. Sandy looked so peaceful and hadn't looked that good in months. Both of the girls kissed her goodbye. There were tears when we got home. Your daugher is only 2 and by the time she is 4, she won't remember this and you will have to explain death all over again. Take her and know that she will be fine. Your grandmother is old, if you want to tell her that, it's okay for now. Luckily for us the wakes that we have been to have been for older people. It makes it much easier. Explaining the death of a child or a baby is much tougher and I hope I don't have to do that any time soon. Telling her that grandma went to heaven is enough for a two year old. If she is a talker, she will have questions for you. Answer her questions as best as you can. Grandma was old, she got sick, everyone goes to heaven at some time. Everything will be fine. I have never had one of my daughters think that they were or we were going to die because we got sick. My little one was in the hospital with asthma problems and neither one had death cross their minds or lips. I'm sure it's because, at this point, they think only older people die. Everything will be okay. I'm sorry about your loss.

My grandfather passed away when my son was 2 and I heard from many people that I should not allow him to attend the wake and funeral, but I did. We spoke to my son before we got there and told him what to expect and that papa would look like he's sleeping, but that he's not and that he would be very cold. My son asked he could touch him and we said yes. We also said this would be the last time he would be able to say good bye and to tell papa how much my son loves him.

He did ask why he died and we said that he was very old and it was his time to go up to heaven, but not to worry because papa would always be looking down at him. In fact, we brought balloons for all the grandkids and at the burial, the kids were allowed to let the balloons go and as they went up, all the kids were yelling "catch the balloons papa".

A few weeks later, my son noticed the moon wasn't full and looked up at the sky and said "papa, please fix the moon". I asked him what he was talking about and he said the moon was like a puzzle and the those (he pointed to the stars) were the pieces. Well, a few days later, I had forgotten all about the moon, and as we were heading home one night, he got really excited and said "see papa, fixed the moon". When we got out of the car, he looked up and said "thanks papa".

Now, everytime we go to a restaurant that gives out balloons, the kids each get 2 and they let one go and they yell "here you go papa, catch it". They keep their eyes on the balloons until they dissapear in the clouds and get very excited because they feel he caught it.

Some may think it's weird, but it's one way they continue to remember my grandfather. My daughter is now 3 and she was just 6 months old when he passed away and she always lets go of a balloon too.

Oh, and after the burial, everytime we passed by a cemetary (regardless of it was the one my grandparents are burried at), my son would always wave and say "hi papa, bye papa".

So, I don't think she's too young, I would just try to explain to her what to expect and she'll be fine.

~C.

Explain to her that it can happen that a person or animal can become very ill to the point where their body stops working and they cannot talk to us or see us. When I was growing up, my brothers and sisters and I would hold funerals for dead birds and animals we would find in our yard. I feel that this helped me to cope with funerals later that we attended with our families.

My great-aunt passed away recently, and her granddaughter Shay is about 3.5 (she'll be 4 in June). She was very close to her grandma and saw her almost every day. My cousin had to tell her that grandma had died and gone to heaven, and Shay said, "Can I go visit her there?" and my cousin told her, someday when you are very very old you can visit Grandma there. And then Shay said, "Well, can I ride my bike there, because I want to see Grandma before then!" And so my cousin had to tell her, no, it's not somewhere you can ride your bike. She has gone somewhere where we can't be with her anymore. That made Shay really sad but honestly about a week later she seemed to have moved on from it. Young kids are just not as affected.

Her other little cousin who just turned 2 didn't have a clue what was going on at the funeral - the entire thing went completely over her head. Probably your daughter falls somewhere in between the two - she may have some clue, but probably not enough of one for it to make a real, lasting impact on her.

My daughter was 3 when my sister passed. I simply told her like it is..."Aunt Polly is going to go to heaven. But Heaven is a happy place and she will be able to run and jump there. And best of all, she will be able to watch over us. We will miss her here, but one day...we can see her again! Isn't that wonderful?" No matter what your religious/spiritual beliefs, this will work nicely so that your daughter kinda understands that she won't see her anymore. And I cried in front of her A LOT! Which is perfectly ok to do too. They can wrap their little brains around a lot more than we think they can!! She will either get it or she won't. But you are right...she deserves to be there and you deserve to have her there. Good luck! And my condolences on your grandmother...

You have some wonderful answers to your question!
I go along with Pamela's answer, and explained to my son the same way. My Mother died when my son was 2. They do comprehend a lot more than we think, and she will ask more questions as the days pass. Explain it as simply as possible without getting in to too much detail. Speak often of your loved one as if they are in a happy place. It is normal for them to wonder if when you get sick are you going to go to heaven too - broach it as best you can and reassure her. Definitely include her in the appropriate things, she will adjust better.

My mother-n-law passed away two years ago. My kids took it better than we thought. We just told them that she got really sick and it was her time to go home to god. She will always be with them and watching from heaven. Now when they see the sun rise or set, they say that she left it for them to say hello and that she is thinking of them. Good luck!

First, I am so sorry about your grandmother. It must be very hard for you. My son turned 2 in Feb of '06. His 19-yr-old uncle was killed in March of that year. It was devistating to all of us and I didn't know what to do about explaining it all to him. We did as you did, and told him he went up to heaven. From my expirience, this means nothing to a 2-yr-old and most likely she won't be as affected as you think she will. Let me just tell you this, he was kind of freaked out at the funeral home. There were hundreds of people at my brother-in-laws wake and he wanted nothing to do with seeing his uncle "sleeping". I felt it necessary to have him at the services since it was his godfather. I cannot speak for really how he was at the funeral. I was at the hospital having my daughter. My dad took him. He didn't understand. The very best thing that my husband and I have done is to keep his memory alive in stories and memories we share with our kids. IF you could find some place for her to be, I would suggest it. You said you had no other option, but a neighbor or friend? It will be a long time at the wake for her to be there. I wish you all the best in figuring out what works for you and her. Again, I am sorry. God's peace to you and your family.

I have been told by various social workers in this very situation, to leave the sickness part out of the equation. Certain children may hold on to that thought "when you get sick you will die". Others may be able to distinguish between the two. We focused on sometimes God needs other helpers in heaven and so he took Nana or Papa to heaven to help. She now understands they are in heaven, although she wants to know when she can visit them in heaven. So, I have found that her questions still come up even years later as she as able to understand more of the process.
Both of my maternal grandparents have died in the last couple of years, my daughter was 2 and 3. Having her at the wake really helped us as well as some of the other family. She put a smile on everyone's face. However, I found someone to watch her for the funeral, mainly because I was speaking, and I felt I needed a little time for my own grieving process. Rather than trying to entertain my daughter during the funeral mass, I wanted time to really take part. A friend watched her and then met us at the gathering afterwards. I am sorry to hear about your grandmother, ultimately go with what feels right for you and it will all work out.

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. I've got a BS in Early Childhood Education and I've done a LOT of research on how to help children cope with death. I'd recommend a few things.

First of all, I'd go to your local library and ask a libriarian to help your find a few books you can read with your daughter about death. Sadly, I don't have any recommendations for a 2yo, but I'm certain that a libririan can help you out.

Secondly, answer any questions she has briefly, honstly and scientifically. Most children don't understand the permance of death until they're about 6 or 7, so don't be surprised if she brings it up a LOT. Let her know that your grandmother is old and when people (pets, plants) get old, their bodies don't work as well and they die. Like you mentioned, make sure that she know that death is not sleeping because you certainly don't want her to fear sleep. I'd also keep your explanations specific to your grandmother so she doesn't fear illness.

Lastly, children her age are very concrete and ideas like heaven are VERY abstract. I'd be careful talking to her about heaven because it can actually scare children. Some of the research I've done actually said that kids can become fearful of being outside in open spaces because they don't want Gd to take them up to heaven. Clearly that's not the norm, but something to keep in mind.

Lastly, you might want to make a scrapbook or memory box with her that you two can work on together and look at after she passes away. You could even involve your family--ask them to bring something to the visitation to try to remember how wonderful your grandmother was and distract your daughter from all of the sadness a bit by concentrating on the positives of a life well-lived. This kind of a project can help both of you remember her, learn more about her and it will show your daughter that even when people are gone, they live on as long as we remember them and love them.

Take care.

My son was only 6 and he saw 1 beloved dog, 1 grandpa, 1 great-grandpa and 1 great-grandma die. We did not sugar coat anything but we also didn't add emotion to it. We expained that they were all "big sick" not like when he has a sniffy nose. We then said that he wouldn't see those people again, but they would always be in his heart. We also have pictures of all those people and pull them out and share stories and memories. As far as being developmentally appropriate, she will grow and change and ask questions. Just keep the dialogue going . Hope this helps.

Around this age my son (now 4) experienced the death of a close friend's grandpa (he also knew and loved this man) and my Nana's dog then a few months later my mom's dog died as well. I kept it pretty simple and answered the questions he asked.

I told him that when we get old, our bodies start to wear out. They last for a long time, but not forever. When our bodies get too old to use, we can leave the old body and go to heaven. He wanted to ask about a few other people we know (are their bodies getting too old? are they going to die?) but seemed satisfied with that.

When his goldfish died he shrugged and said "Wow, I guess House's body got old pretty fast." He mentions that he misses people who have died, but it doesn't seem to scare him or anything.

Hope this helps.
T.

I am not sure exactly what you want to say but I just thought of some issues with bringing her to the funeral that you may want to consider. I don't think she will understand why she can't touch or kiss her grandma so maybe you can decide what type of contact you want her to have if any. If you don't want her to touch her grandma at all, you may have to think of a way to handle that. Is your daughter close to 3? I think she will understand a lot more about what is going on and act accordingly at the funeral than if she is closer to 2. I have a 2 year old son and I don't think he would understand anything about the passing of a loved one unless I told him that she was going away.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this loss. I lost both my maternal grandparents in the last 4 months and we did take our kids (ages 8, 5, 4, and just turned 2 to both funerals.) We had no other option but even if we did, we probably would have taken them anyway. It was good for us to have that little bit of young life there and it gave them a chance to say goodbye. They obviously didn't have the relationship with my grandparents that I did but I think allowing kids to experience a funeral type setting in which the loss is not deeply personal will help them to be able to better cope with a more personal one. Now, your daughter is young so she probably won't really remember much, but you never know what little bits kids store away in the backs of their minds. She may come back with more questions weeks/months later or even have imaginative play about death. I think, as a society, we try to shield kids too much from death and the emotions around it. They don't need all the details but there is no need to hide our emotions. For us, to prepare them for the funeral experience, we talked to them about how people were going to be sad and crying at the funeral because they are missing grandma/grandpa. We told them that great grandpa/grandma had gotten old and their bodies had worn out and that they had died and were now living in heaven with a new body that can never wear out or get sick or broken. One of my pre-schoolers wanted to touch grandma at the funeral. We let her and she commented about how she was cold. I think it helped her to process that the warm loving person was no longer there and all that was left was a shell. My husband is a chaplain and one of the explanations for death that he often will use with children is that of a candybar. He makes the analogy of our bodies being like the shiny wrapper on the candy bar but that the best part of the candy bar is not the wrapper, but what is inside. The wrapper is left behind and that is what we bury but the good part- the good part that we really loved, is still living on in heaven. He does a lot better job explaining it than I am but hopefully you can get the idea I am trying to get across. If grandma had a favorite wrapped candy, it works good to have that candy on hand for the analogy. Most kids her age are a bit young to understand this analogy but you know your daughter and if not anything else, you can tuck that analogy away for the next time she has a question about death.

PS - When we took the kids to the funeral, we found it very helpful to have a backpack packed with quiet activities and snacks. We had them walking around and mingling with others during the visitation portion and made sure we didn't have them sit until we absolutely had to.