Talking to Children About Race

My friend is a dark skinned African American woman and her husband is a very pale white caucasion. Their two daughters are somewhere in between. Whenever kids bring it up...they talk about people's skin color by comparing different skin tones to the colors of food that children like. Their kids and the neighbors kids love trying to think of the exact food to match someone's skin. Chocolate bar, caramel, muffin, etc...

B.,

I agree with another poster that at 3.5 perhaps the best answer is that God/nature/whatever makes people of all different colors, looks, sizes...etc. But, what matters most is the kind of person you are on the INSIDE. That's the truth of all truth...don't you think?

T.

I do not come from a biracial background, so I may be off base here, but it seems to me that, as with anything, the bigger deal you make out of it, the bigger deal it will be for the child. Perhaps a simple "God made people with different skin colors, just like we have different eye color and different hair color, but we are still the same on the inside" might be enough for now. Just a thought...

I am also in a biracial family and I can understand your concern. One thing I would say is to not focus on the color differences. They know we are different colors and right now is the time that they learn from you how to view it. If you see it as a big deal then your child will to. If you don't they won't. I have a 4 year old little girl who sees us all as people some are African American (although my mother in law states that she is Black)and some are Caucasian, like myself. What I would say: is that God created all of us and made us different colors to make life interesting.

I have a wonderful friend that is white and is married to a black man with four beautiful children. My nephew had met her and new she was white and when he walked into her house he came running back out because her children are mixed and he was not expecting that. She took it into her own hands to explain to him that God had took some of her blood and mixed it with some of her husbands blood and gave them their children which are part black and part white because they are a part of each of their parents. She explained it so much better than I am! I have always explained to my children (whether I gave birth to them or not) that people regardless of their color all bleed red and even though some people have mean things to say about their color they are just people like us and deserve respect and love just like us. I wish you luck in the future with your children and explaining this. It can sometimes become a touchy situation because of the hate in the world around us but because you are seeking the best answers I am sure you will do just fine. I wouldn't focus so much on differences between the races as I would the things that are the same because you want to make sure they don't feel like they are different from the rest of the world. Most people are a mixture of cultures it just isn't always as visible as it is when you mix black and white together. I have atleast five different cultures mixed in me and the only one anyone can tell is the Indian and "white" parts and the Indian is only because of my high cheek bones. People don't really discern between the different white cultures because they focus more on skin color than cultures and that is not the way it should be.

I'm no expert on this subject but I think keeping the conversation basic is all he needs.

Yes, Daddy is black & I'm white but love is colorless & it doesn't matter what someone's color is.

The depthness (is that a word?) of this conversation will take it's course but as Mom's I think we "think" & worry too much about certain subjects. I do it all the time!

Be casual about it & hopefully he'll grow up with a casual attitude & be proud of his genetic make up.

L.

Kids learn about skin color earlier than you would imagine. They are little sponges and see and hear everything. They also notice people’s differences very early, which does not have to be a problem. What can be a problem is if (and when) they are exposed to people who say/act/imply that differences are bad/wrong or that one is better than another. And this is more prevalent than you know. Family and friends can unwittingly cast their beliefs on your child.

Being raised in a multi-cultural/multi-racial environment and marrying a bi-racial man (he’s Korean & Czech/Lithuanian and I’m black (mutt), we have had many conversations about the topic. We are also a very blended family (both have children – my son’s father is from Belize and my DH’s daughter’s mother is white). We have to talk about everything under the sun – step-parenting, race, gender, etc. in order to better gel as a family.

Here’s an aside…while on the delivery table and getting cleaned up, the nurses needed to complete the birth certificate and asked our daughter’s race. Both my husband and I had no answer. What do you say to that? Especially while high on your epidural and getting stitches? We left it as OTHER because both sides of our families deserve acknowledgement. You don’t have to choose sides.

My answer to you moms is to address every question no matter how uncomfortable it makes you. And to give your children examples of positive differences, like if your child asks, “Is daddy black?”, he is just making an observation. Many times, words are not as much of a minefield as we may think.

I never looked for books to help jumpstart conversations. I wanted ours to flow more organically. But, I look for more diverse environments for my family to get involved in. And we always try to speak in terms of the individual who just happens to be …(insert race or religion).

Good luck!

B.,
I just got a book at the library about this very subject. It is called Skin Again by Bell Hooks and Chris Raschka. It is really good. We have conversations in my house regularly (kids are 4 1/2 and 3) and race, diversity, etc. and this book has been a great addition to our conversations. I think a child of 3 is really just noticing that there are differences, but not really making anything of it. In the way he is asking if someone is black (at 3 years) is likely the same as he is asking if the house across the street is blue. It really is just a color thing to them at that point (which is why I find vry confusing to kids this age to say that a person is black rather than brown- I think it really confuses them). Just my thoughts.

Anyway, take a look at that book. It's great.
K.

When race came up in our household I ran to the bookstore! I am sure the library would work great too...I was just new to the area and didn't have a card yet..anyway...There are sections on race and questions and great ways of explaining it so that kids will understand. I think the underying message is that we are all the same inside, but unkind words hurt, etc. It totally helped open up the dialogue in a way the kids could understand! Good luck!

Hi,
I'm an African American woman with an in-home daycare and I work around preschool age children all day. I have a 4yr.old son who for the past few months has been amazed with race/color. One day rencently he talked about the service people that come to our home,and said that Mexicans cut our grass. I was pretty taken back as well, because my husband and I don't address people in that manner. I did asked him where he heard it from, but I never got a solid answer. A few days later the children here at daycare had conversations about chocolate skin and vanilla skin, from one of my 4 year old girls. That gave me a perfect opportunity to talk about how God made us all different, and that we all are special no matter what. I continued by saying that some of us our different shades of color, different sizes, and also can do different things as far as development. The reason for this is so that we can share in the differences that we have, and being proud of sharing that with others. I told them it would be very boring if we all were the same, did the same things, and had the same things. Then we wouldn't have anthing to share about each other. I also touched a little bit about if some one makes you feel uncomfortable by something they have said that it's o'kay to talk to an adult/mom or dad about their feelings. I think you can turn this into a teachable moment based on your child's level of understanding. Acknowledge their needs to want to know more about themselves, but remember less is more because they are young. And as you answer questions and talk to them on their level I'm sure that it will open the door to new ones! There's lots of great books out there even if you go to your local bookstore and ask them for suggestions. You probably can use the internet as a great source too!!! Good Luck!

Hi B.,

I'm in a similar family, I'm white and my husband is Haitian-American and we have two young boys (2 1/2 yrs. & 11 mon.) There are some great books out there and here's a few points I've gathered from reading them. 1.) At this age your son is probably just noticing differences but it is a great way to begin the life-long conversation. 2.) It's good to talk about it rather than try to ignore it. Make it a part of your conversations as you would anything you discuss with him and keep it age appropriate. He's not ready for the whole history of race/racism yet.
One such book is "Does Anybody Else Look Like Me?: A Parent's Guide to Raising Multiracial Children" by Donna Jackson Nakazawa
She speaks to many multiracial families and offers a lot of good advice. But also remember to follow your own instincts. While the goal of a "color-blind" society is admirable and I wish for it to become a reality, it is not currently reality, so we should talk about it. I hope I can figure out how to do that when my sons start asking questions. Please email me anytime, it's nice to have others to talk to about this.

Also, a great kids book is "The Skin You Live In" by Michael Tyler and David Lee Csicsko.

I just wanted to also add some info regarding a big conference being held downtown Chicago this weekend. I will be a panelist taling about transracial adoptees(I was adopted)and also attending some classes and listening to speakers about biracial families and lots of other great topics! So if you know of someone or your family fits into one of the many topics, I think it is going to be great! Here is the Link with more info-http://www.lovingconference.com/

The 40th anniversary of Loving v. Virginia (1967), the US Supreme Court's decision to legalize interracial marriage, will be marked with an international conference. For the first time in U.S. history, this event wishes to bring together not only "interracial" couples, "multiracial/ethnic" individuals, and "transracial" adoptees, it also intends to unite policy makers, educators/students, celebrities, and advocacy organizations representing all communities on critical issues that continue to fragment our nation at the Loving Decision Conference 2007: The Next 40 Years of Multiracial Communities.

Hi B., I had a similar situation occur with my oldest. I am white and grew up in an area predominantly african american. Needless to say, I have alot of friends who are african american. I now live in an area that is predominantly white and my son (then 4) had referred to my friend as, " you mean the brown lady." It is just natural for them to use what they see as a descriptor at an early age. I acknowledged to my son that yes people do have different shades of skin, but we are all humans. I explained how people come from all parts of the world and look different. I explained that it's like cats, dogs that are different colors, etc. As my child got older, I did explain how african americans were treated in the past because of thier skin and jews were treated, etc., but that happened about 2nd grade and correlated with what he was being taught in school. Now that my son is 9 I can tell you that we keep this dialog about race open. We just had a discussion recently about a new girl in his class who came from Palestine. He was extremely curious about that country. I think the best way to teach your child is to acknowledge the differences, similarities and the past and keep the dialog going.

I have a 3-year-old daughter by international adoption and a couple of our favorites are

The Skin You Live In, by Michael Tyler

All the Colors of the Earth, by Sheila Hamanaka

I've also just discovered additional resources here - http://easted.org/resources/links.cfm#books

B. are you comfortable talking about your race to your child if not start there and over the years he will understand just because his dad and ou are diffrent you still love each other it's not about the color it's about how you both make each others feel when you are together and yes our kids can be uncandid to other kids and this was his first lesson he's learned in preschool because as parent we teach our kids at home and what they learn at home you can trust and believe they will take it with them as parents we need watch what we say around the children they are listening even if we think that they are not. To help you out on the topic try the library they will have a book concerning this matter good luck

I'm in a similar situation in that I'm white and I adopted an African-American daughter while I was single. Now I'm engaged to a (white) man. My daughter is 3 1/2, and she noticed skin color when she was around 3. She remarked in public about a woman behind us in the grocery line that was black ("Mommy, her skin is the same as mine!") She's also referred to people as "black" and I have been mystified as to where she heard that term, as I refer to her skin as "brown" and ours as "pink." I've always been very matter-of-fact about it; it is merely an observation of a fact at her age and I wouldn't want her to think I'm uncomfortable discussing it. I'm not so naive as to think that as she gets older, she won't be confused or angry about being different than her parents. But we live in a fairly racially mixed area, and I'll always be committed to exposing her to black culture. Hopefully she'll be feel proud and solid in who she is.

There are so many books that celebrate skin color. If you'd like a few titles, feel free to email me.

Hi B.,

We are not multi-racial but I explain to my son how great it is that we are all different. I tell him that he's never going to find someone exactly like him. Some kids will be taller, shorter, darker, lighter, thinner, heavier, etc.
How boring would it be if we were all the same?

There's nothing wrong with being black, white, yellow, orange or purple, but if you act like it is then he will too.

I like the book "What if Zebras lost their stripes" It talks about how would the zebras treat each other differently if some lost their white stripes and some lost their black stripes. Also, I don't know if you should be so concerned on where he heard black from, it could be a color observation, but i also know that many schools do heritage weeks or diversity weeks and that might be a place to start. My son started making race observations at around three also and we went to the library and showed him a globe and started talking about how people from different places may look different, but they are all still just people and went through differnt books. Honestly, I think the younger you get kids to understand peoples differences whether it be race or special needs or gender, the better because they will definitely here things outside of your home and you want them to accept it with your beliefs rather than some of the ignorant things said by other people. The more upfront you are thebetter because it will cause your child less confusion. Good
Luck!

I am not biracial as well, but my husband is half cuban and african american. I think we as adults make too much out of race and skin color. If you put your son's with other kids of any race, they would not see the difference. I think you should tell your son's to embrace both of this cultures and love themselves for who they are and not the color of skin. now a days everyone is mixed with something and as time goes on it is going to ber where race will not be a issue with most people. Good luck and keep us posted.

Hi!! I have been wondering the same thing with my son. He turned 3 in April and I am waiting for this topic to come about. I am black and my husband is white so i'm sure it will come up one day I just dont know when and what to say to him when it does. It would be nice to have other moms of biracial children to chat with about this. Email me!!

While I'm not in the same situation as you, I do have a 4-year-old and just thought I'd add in that keeping it simple would be ideal right now. At this age they can't deal with complex answers. Questions like "why does the rain fall", for example, don't want to be answered with an in-depth description of the ecosystem, but something easy like "because the grass and flowers need a drink of water" will suffice. It is very likely if you answer his questions as simply and honestly as you can, he won't press further yet for any "discussion" on the topic. I'd also agree with other posters who mentioned getting books to read to/with him on the subject, or even a dvd - just make sure you screen the materials first so that you know it's approaching the topic in a way you feel comfortable with before introducing it to him.

I often talk about this subject with my sitter because our daycare has every race in it and I don't want my son to ever think it matters. She said it will definately come up but this is what she told her kids "Wouldn't the world be boring if we all had the same skin color and we all looked the same. This just makes the world a more beautiful place." And I really liked that.

Unfortunately our parents don't understand that while they are not necessarily prejudiced, some of their comments lead to believe there is a difference in race. My husband's Aunt goes on about how she isn't prejudiced and in her heart I think she is as great as she can be but that some of the things that come out of her mouth are a bit "naive".

Hi, you my want to try out intermix.org.uk/books/Books_child.asp Good luck M.

I read all of the other responses and the only other thing I can add is I believe that we are all beautiful people inside and out and I am raising my children to think this way. My kids have never really asked questions about different ethnicities. They accept all people. I live in Schaumburg where the population is very diverse, and I am thrilled. I have told my kids that God is colorblind.