Tantrums - Milwaukee,WI

I obviously don't know for certain what is wrong, but it is probably because of the baby. She may be young but she's already experiencing what she thinks is "neglect" because of the baby.

NO! You are not neglecting her!!! that is not what I am trying to say!

But, she probably feels that way since you've been put on bed rest. You're not able to play with her and take care of her like you could before, but she's still too young to really understand why.

It may be a little difficult when the new baby comes around, but you could make it easier by making sure that you spend some time with just her. Go to the park, or take a mommy and me class together, or just spend an hour playing in her room with her.

Another thing that you should do is have your husband spend time alone with her now.

When I was pregnant and not able to do the usual things with my daughter (she was 4) my husband started taking her on dates. They would go to a movie or the park or somewhere else that she picked and then they went to dinner. She loved it because it made her feel special, and it's something that they still do.

Your daughter is a little young for "dates" but he can take her to the park too or just spend a little time around home doing nothing but playing with her, snuggling or spending an hour reading stories.

Good luck with the new baby and with your daughter.

Dear J.,

Hello. Your daughter is very young and being such can not always express what she is feeling. Screaming and the like is normal in my opinion and how you deal with it sends her cues on how to behave, not that she will understand immediately. Developmentally children go through different stages of abilities etc.

Many professionals now tell parents, despite how difficult it is, that sometimes the best thing to do is to exit a situation with the child if you can. For example, two hours of screaming at a friends house is a bit too much for any adult to like doing. One hour of trying to manage a child (and believe it or not... another child trying to help and feed the other can be invasive for the child being helped even though the intentions are very sweet and kindly)is exhausting.

I always say, give it an hour or less (she isn't two yet so 30 minutes is a long time for someone that age) and if the behavior is out of control leave politely. Eventually she will out grow some of the normal behavior. As a parent we should try to not push our children to do something too long and also expect that it is difficult to share and interact with other children sometimes.

My husband and I have found it very useful to bring a super out of control child to another room and tell them when they are all done they can come out and play with us or their friends. We gently bring them to an adjacent room and say. You aren't feeling happy. Come in here and get all the grumpies out. When you feel better let me know and we can play again. I stand outside of the room and check often (with a smaller child you might want to consider a special spot for them to sit and don't expect long sitting a minute is a long time when you are under two years old). When I check I open the door and ask, Are you feeling better? Do you want to come out and play? etc. When they are done I givee them a hug and say. I know you feel bad or grumpy but we do not scream at other peoples homes. It isn't polite. End of story. I do not go into long explainations. Children 11 months to 4 years old don't understand all of that. What they do understand is short commands. short mentions of expectations and love and kindness and firm and loving help.

The doctors office. In the middle of an appointment like the one you described it is really important to be able to focus on what the doctor is saying since you are only given 10 minutes to 15 mintues with them (regulated sometimes by the HMOs) having dad remove himself and the child so you can focus is important, more important than her screaming and being held (that is my opinion).

To help this matter (or others like it) in the future....

My suggestion is (and it isn't always easy) is that your husband spends some time with your daughter every day so that she is ok with being held by him when mommmy is busy. Telling her Mommy is busy and Daddy will hold you is a good thing (as Martha Stewart would say). Short three word statements repeated kindly to a small child over time will sink in. I have two children and it has worked for me.

Best of luck to you, the new baby, your husband, and your little 11 mo.old!

Virginia

Stranger Danger months...I would chalk it up to that...there is already so much going on, and with you on bed rest it feeds it more really.

Really just a stage...she is probably having the tantrums because she doesn't feel safe in some way....just keep her close.

My son is 11 months...we just went on vacation and any time I would leave him just to walk to a different table or something he FREAKED out....just the age

Prime time for stranger anxiety combined with the changes of a coming baby (which she does not understand) and the fact that she is with you all of the time. She will grow out of it as long as you reassure her that you are here when she needs you. You are right not to hit. She is not being naughty, she is truly sad and upset. There will be plenty of time for socializing after the baby is home and gets a little bigger. I would concentrate on blending your family before putting her into the world. Let her get used to having to share mom & dad with her new brother.

As for distracting her, maybe you singing her favorite song may work. For some reason when my oldest daughter was upset, I could sing Old MacDonald and she would relax. I currently watch a little girl who loves Patty-cake...as soon as I start the rhyme, she stops whatever she is doing and smiles.

Good luck and enjoy your new addition!

Your daughter could possibly sense that there are big changes coming and might be worried or scared.

Right now your on bedrest but as soon as your off and have the baby and everyone's healthy socialize your daughter more. Go to ECFE classes, play groups, story time at the library.... socialize socialize. I was babysitting a 2 year old and she was never taken outside of the house and was so use to her mom. It was a nightmare. This little girl is terrified of any other child and has some real emotional problems. It was bad enough I decided I cannot watch her anymore it was affecting my own child to much.

I was alos on bedrest for pre-eclampsia and it was long and hard but the little bundles of joys are worth it. Hang in there.

I'm sorry I don't have a very good solution but wanted to let you know that my son went through something very similar at that age. He is very shy around people he doesn't know and would freak out if someone looked at him the wrong way when we were out of the house. I hope someone has some advice to help you get through it. We really didn't do much other than trying to comfort him and explain to him that it was ok to be around other people and we were always right there with him. Good luck.

a 10 month old learns so quickly, if you decide to hit her, she will learn much more than "my hands are hurting". She may associate that hurt with all kinds of things out of your control, that is what babies do...they learn through association.

have you tried giving her choices?

Choices she can make. I have 4 children the oldest is 6.

At the earliest age possible, when the kids can start showing preferences give choices. My 14 month old likes to pick out her clothes from the options I give. She has been picking out her diapers since she could point her fingers.

for example, in the morning, pick out two shirts and ask, which would you like to wear? Pick out two pants, and ask which one would you like to wear....same with socks and shoes...then move on to breakfast, what fork would you like to use? Which plate, which cup...choices, decisions...as early as possible. AND remember that it is YOU who is giving the options (you are the parent and the boss). There is no decision that too trivial.

Babies are smarter than they can say. If you start by giving choices, you can enter into a different kind of talk.

You can also prepare her for what is coming up next, doctors appointments, shopping at the store...just by say, guess where we are going today? and then paint a picture of where you are going together...and together is the right word.

One thing I did when the kids were wanting some attention in the store, I would ask, which one should we get, this one "the canned wax beans" or the "canned green beans". My son wanted to be more part of my life especially after my second child was born. Including him in all those little decisions through out the day really helped him feel in control of what was going on. In fact, there came a time when he would get upset if I didn't tell him what we were getting ready to do. Remember all the choices you give, must be acceptable to you first before you offer them...otherwise, you may be giving something that you don't want to.

Even now, I say, you have 5 minutes until we leave the playground to go home.

congratulations on your new baby...