Tantrums - Newport Beach,CA

I find it amazing that you have raised 2 children and this is the first time that you are having this issue. I say good job! Keep it up!

You didn't do anything wrong. You son had an age appropriate response and you dealt with it absolutely appropriately as well.

We'd like them all to be angels 100% of the time, but that's not going to happen. Trust me, no one at that party thinks less of you. If they have kids, they've all been there before...or will be!

Don't worry!

-M

Hi there,

I have a 1 year old so I have yet to experience the tantrum but I want you to know that I aspire to handle these types of situations the way you handled it. You were calm, cool and collected. Kudos to you! You are an inspiration to all of us moms!

Brava, mama! You could not have handled that situation more beautifully! Here's a list of everything you did right:

1. Stayed calm
2. Didn't give in to the tantrum
3. Explained your expectations
4. Maintained your authority in a loving way (no violence)
5. Didn't escalate the drama
6. Physically removed your son from the situation

How I wish more mothers had it together like you. You have taught your son 2 invaluable lessons: you are the boss and pitching a fit will not get him what he wants. You will be reaping the benefits of your actions that day for a long time!

It seems like you might also be looking for a reason as to why he behaved this way so suddenly. My best guess is that, like you, he was also tired, over excited and likely hopped up on some birthday sugar. :-) He also may have seen another child behave that way at some point during the party and get what they wanted, so he thought he'd give it a whirl. Also, four year olds are not known for their self control, so put all of that together and you get the "end of the birthday party meltdown."

Every child has a breakdown at some point. It's how we react and guide them through these "out of control" moments that will teach them how to control themselves when they have these feelings in the future. A+, blue ribbon and gold medal to you for being such a loving, effective parent.

Best of luck to you and your precious babies!

Hi V S,

My first thought was perhaps he was tired or that as you said "he was having the time of his life" and just didn't want to leave.

I think you handled the situation really well. I would have done the same thing - taken them away from the "crowd" and let him know that what he did wasn't ok. And when he still carried on with his tantrum I would have carried him out kicking and screaming just like you did.

I think that based on the fact that you shared that he apologized and has been an angel since that it reflects on the values that you have instilled in him - he knows what is right and wrong and realized that his outburst was wrong and feels regret for it.

As far as what you did wrong - I don't think you did anything wrong. I think that your son is 4 and no 4 year old (or 3 or 5 or 7 or 9 year old for that matter) is perfect all of the time.

Good Luck!

I think you did nothing wrong, you handled it like a pro! Congratulations, you've survived your first tantrum :)
Sometimes there's no rhyme or reason. But you kept your cool, didn't give in and he apologized later and has been cooperative since. Great job!

You didn't do anything wrong. In fact, I commend you for handling it the way you did. 5 hours is a LONG TIME for anyone to be at a party. Imagine if YOU were tired, how he was feeling. He knew deep down he was tired, because when you got home, he got ready for bed and went straight to sleep. But he was having fun and didn't want the fun to end, and with the feeling of losing control added onto the tiredness, you got a tantrum.

You did GREAT! Your son handled the situation poorly and acknowledged it. Yay for him, too! Give yourself a high five and a big hug and know that you're one awesome mama.

Kudos Mamma! You handled it pefectly in my opinion. the hardest part is the "shock, embarrassment, etc" that we think others (or ourselves) are judging the way we handle the situation. But trust me, every parent there has experienced the same thing at one time or another and I would say that probably no one was judging you.

Hi VS,
I agree, from what you have told us, you handled it perfectly. He sounds like a well behaved boy, but remember he is also human and will make mistakes, we all do. Could he have not eaten much? Mine used to get so involved in playing at birthday parties he would forget to eat. I know when I haven't eaten my patience gets short. The combo of hungry and tired would only make that worse.

The important thing is he learned what happens when he looses control. He feels bad and you were consistent in your discipline. You are building a good foundation. I doubt you can expect it from now on, but also, it won't be the last time you have a difficult situation to manage as a parent. Good luck!

I agree- you sound like a great mom and your kids are lucky to have you! It's the age he's at -- he's testing his boundaries, combined with not always being able to control his emotions. You have a good kid there, and you sound like you know what you're doing, I would have confidence in your intelligence & skills! I wish all the moms on here were as well spoken & considerate!

You said "Where did I go wrong that night?"

Well, you didn't do anything "wrong." Nor did your son.
I mean that by meaning that your son is being a child. And, although he is ALWAYS so well behaved... he is a child. A child this age, does not even have complete full control of their impulses/emotions/mouth either. Nor do even 8 year olds.
A child will err or not or make mistakes. All natural things done innocently or not... or them just learning to extend their wings. Its okay. Its part of development.

Main thing, is that for him, or any child... they learn to express themselves, openly.... not just saying what others want them to say or do. THEY have to be aware of their feelings and, in the case of your son... knowing what is boundaries. Which he does know. But a child cannot be so carefully in control of themselves all the time. A boy especially, needs to know its "okay" to express his emotions...not just for approval. If not, then a child sometimes will express it in other ways, not to our liking.

No, it doesn't mean he will "be" this way all the time, nor from now on, or always. But kids, are not perfect.
But your son, is a great kid. He is well behaved. He was just so excited at that party and having so much fun and was sad to leave. Its okay.

Your son seems like a mature child for his age... and you've managed to raise him to be so well behaved. But he is just a kid. You did not do anything wrong. Nor did he.

All the best,
Susan

Congradulations, you just passed his test. You proved you were the boss. If you had given in, you would be up to your you know what in trouble. You didn't do anything wrong. Every child tests his/her parents to see what they can get away with. You did everything correctly. You removed him from the situation properly and calmly. He now knows that you will not let him to that and there are consequences for that type of behavior. YOU DID GOOD! Personally, if my kids had ever done that, I would have gone to the bathroom and dumped them in the tub and turn on the cold water. You handled it much better than a lot of parents I know. Pat yourself on the back!

Dear VS,

You did not go wrong. It is very common and normal for kids to have tantrums, despite how unpleasant they are for us. Kids do not have the vocabulary or the insight to understand and share their feelings. Consequently, when they are frustrated, angry, hurt, etc., they express those emotions through their behavior. Keep in mind, when a full-blown tantrum occurs, it is a release of built up emotions. Your son was not just upset about leaving the party. He was expressing emotions that he had been holding on to for hours, days or weeks.

The key is to allow for it. I know that's unpleasant, but the alternative is that he keeps his emotions bottled up. Rather than getting upset with him, he needs you to acknowledge his feeling. "I know you're upset that we have to leave. You wish we could stay longer. I wish we could, too. But we need to go now." Think compassion, validation and unconditional love. When we get upset at our kids for having tantrums, essentially, they learn to feel bad for feeling bad.

If I can be of any further help, feel free to contact me.
Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator
www.GilaBrown.com

My goodness, no child is perfect, and even grownups have meltdowns, but it sounds like you have wonderful children. 100% support for you. You handled the situation perfectly and didn't do anything wrong. You stayed calm and stuck to your guns. Natural to feel embarrassed when our kiddos don't behave like perfect angels in public, but it happens. I'm thinking everyone would have viewed you in a lesser light if you had given in to your son's meltdown We all have kids, so don't be too hard on yourself. I hoping I'm only as great a mom as you!

I believe that you are doing things just right, especially if this is a first tantrum in a 4 year old. I wouldn't be afraid of it happening again.. kids can sense your fear and will use it. If you had given him 5 extra minutes, or even if you change your tactics in the future, he will learn that his behavior actually benefited him in some way and it will continue. Kids test their limits until they know them, and then they live happily within them. If a child is constantly testing the limits, I think that means they are insecure and don't know where the boundaries are. (The rules change from day to day or depending on Mom's mood at the time). I'd stick to your 5 minute warning. I would talk about it ahead of time before you go to remind them of what is expected. But I think you handled it quite well.

Also, if a child is throwing a tantrum, most people don't think, "What a terrible Mom". I judge based on how the Mom handles the tantrum. If I see a Mom giving into the tantrum (or trying to sweet-talk the child out of it), I then understand why the tantrums. But all children test limits, and usually in a public place.

Sounds like you did an awesome job. You decided to set a president with your son instead of save face with the onlookers. I think you set a tone to curb the behavior. Can't say if its a trend at this age.

It's okay mom! I think the only thing you could have done different was leave sooner. Sounds like a classic case of being overtired and overstimulated to me. He just had a meltdown, it is bound to happen no matter how good of a kid he is. My dd is so happy, loving, and mellow, but she has done this at a park when I stayed too long. I thought it would make her good and tired, but when they are overtired they don't know how to cope. He is not a problem child and you did nothing wrong. You have just been lucky if this if your first tantrum. : )

you did everything perfectly! know that he said sorry on his own accord..BECAUSE you were very "no nonsense" about that kind of behavior.

believe me, if you would have done opposite..gave him 5 more minutes, especially after that tantrum..he will take not only an 'inch' more but the whole cake! plus, how can your son trust that you will follow through with what you say if your 5 minute warning, actually means 10 minutes? What if you were in a critical situation where leaving on time was necessary - like not being late for work. your son needs to know that when you say what you mean, you mean what you say.

keep this up and you'll be fine when he's a teenager. i have a sister who's 8 years younger than me. i remember those days.

VS- OMG! My 4yo daughter has done the exact same thing. And she too is generally a great well behaved polite little kid. But since she turned 4, she has started with the crying to get her way. I can only imagine she learned it from one of the other kids on the playground. I have established a new house rule because of it...I told her that if she cries for something, she will never get what she wants, ever. That crying is only for when she is injured or in pain. In the last few months, we have had some spectacular meltdowns. They are rare, but they certainly occur. I do what you did, stay calm, and sometimes bodily remove her from the situation. Now after several of these episodes, when she starts in with the crying, I ask her if she thinks that is going to work. She will actually tell me "No, and I should stop crying". And she generally does. Sometimes, she will even tell me that she "needs a minute" and she will walk away from me and compose herself. It's acutally almost comical. I think your son is just 4 and pushing boundaries. It won't be the first or last time. Great job on handling a stressful situation and best of luck in the coming months.

I don't understand why you think you did something wrong. I think you handled the situation perfectly!
Yes it's normal for a child his age to push & test the boundaries and you did an excellent job of keeping them & reminding him who's boss. You guys were also in an enviroment where there were other children & excitment going on which never helps that sort of situation!
I also give my kids the 5 min warning & every now and then they will give me a hard time and ask for another 5 min, but once you've said "5 more min" you really have to stick with that no matter what or they will always think they can ask for more time.

Seriously though, don't be hard on yourself, you did nothing wrong, everything right!!

Personally I think you did everything right! I have a 4 year old little girl and she pulled the same thing at Walmart the other day. Sounds like your kid just did what mine did: Pulled the "I am in charge and the world revolves around me and whatever I want to do" card. Every kid has to pull it at least once (in fact I have seen that my kids have the most problems with this after they spend time with children that have parents that allow their kids to get what they want through fits...). Some are just faster at learning than others.

Sounds like you handled it awesomely! I don't think you went wrong at all. It sounds like he was probably overtired, but it doesn't sound like you could have predicted that since he is normally pretty cooperative. The way you handled it obviously made a big impression on him! Loved the way he got all ready for bed and vowed never to do that again! I know it must have been traumatic for you, but you did great and, once he got it together, it sounds like he did, too.

Next time, try a few time frame "warnings" - and have a talk before you get there telling him what to expect. Let him know when there is 30 minutes more, 15 minutes more, 10 minutes more, then 5 minutes more. I found that if they know what to expect ahead of time, and then are given a bit more notice than 5 minutes - that seems to work.
If he still has a tantrum - you may have to drag him out, and stick to your guns so he knows he is not in charge. Maybe you can give him a little control, by asking him how long before you leave would he like you to tell him - they do not have a good idea of time, so I always explain time in something they know - "1 more episode of Care Bears", etc......
Good Luck!

Hi VS,

I just want to tell you that reacted like a stellar Mom - you stayed calm, loving and stern and you didn't give in to the tantrum. That will be the best lesson he can learn from that day - that you don't give in to that kind of behavior.

It is a child's (human) nature to test their boundaries, your son chose that night to do so and you passed the test. It may happen again, they do want to be independent people, but it's important that you stay calm and don't give in. I can say without any doubt that you did exactly the right thing. As embarrassing as it may have been, I'm sure most of the parents there felt for you because they have either experienced something similar themselves or knew that someday soon they would be.

HI V.S.

What did you do wrong? Why, my goodness, nothing at all! He's 4. Tantrums will happen sometimes. I have a 4 year-old boy, too, and he's well-behaved most of the time, but every now and then (usually in public, of course! :-) ) he loses it.

When my son is overtired, over-stimulated, hungry or any combination, of these things, that's when problems are most likely to happen. I would guess that your son was exhausted from the party. (Even great events are tiring. For everyone.)

It sounds to me like you handled the situation really well: you were calm, no scolding, spanking or shaming and left when you said you would. Nothing else to do, really.

Congratulations on handling the situation so well. You sound like a great parent!

Sounds to me like you did nothing wrong! Just thank your lucky starts that you do not have to deal with that all the time! My daughter has high-functioning autism, and she used to tantrum like that ALL the time when it was time to leave! To me, it sounds like you son was tired (it was late), he "partied" for 5 hours, and probably had cake and other sugary foods! This will sometimes lead to less than stellar behavior. It sounds like he is fully aware his behavior wasn't good, so I don't think you have to worry about a repeat performance. Sometimes, kids will tantrum--especially when they're overtired, and their schedule is off! No worries! BTW,it sounds like you handled the actual tantrum incident like an old pro! I'm impressed!

hi. I think you handled it great. There isn't much that
CAN be done when a child reacts like that. I'd say 99% of all moms have gone through that. You were calm, stern and didn't blow your cool. What you should be thinking about is how he behaved on the way home, at home, and his unprompted apology. You are raising a great kid. He was testing the boundary and learned he could not cross it and knew it was wrong of him to act the way he did. I'd be willing to bet you won't get a reaction like that again for a very long time. Also, remember that it is natural and their job to test the boundaries and see how far they can push you. It's the way they grow and become the adults we will some day have to push gently into the world and hope they can care for themselves with those same boundaries that we are giving them now.

In short, you did good, mamma, and you have a good kid.

Hello, I would not bring it up again. If it does happen again, then I would sit down and explain that he will not be able to continue to attend parties if he can't control himself. He might have been overstimulated by something at the party and it might just be something that happened and you will never see it again.
Good luck with your precious little boy.
K. K.

You did not go wrong. You did everything just right. Your son was probably tired and he acted like a four year old. I have carried my then-four year old (really heavy) son, kicking and screamning, from somewhere he didn't want to leave more than once. (Like at the Children's Museum during a pre-school field trip.) Other parents understand and are just glad it isn't happening to them right then. lol Kids test their limits and now he knows yours. Good job!

LOL! My son did this whenever we left ANYWHERE fun for a while. Sounds like you handled it appropriately. But I think they get in their minds that I will *NEVER have this much fun ever again in my life!!!* so they are hmmm, "reluctant" shall we say? ;-D - to leave. Being overtired, overwhelmed increased the blast power on the nuclear detonation that was my son and sounds like those may have been factors for you as well. Also, my son is like a crack addict when it comes to play - will play over EVERYTHING else - food, drink, sweets, potty (yeah, potty-training has been oh-so-fun...) So dehydration and hypoglcemia sometimes are issues, too. Hang tough, Sista! It sounds like it was just the perfect storm for your little guy - he was probably as surprised/ scared by his loss of control as your were. Next party you may want to heads-up the little man ahead of time with expectations for leave time. Also, whether it is just coincidental that my little guy outgrew it or this really helped I'll never know but sometimes giving him a "job" to do (push the stroller, carry something, hold another little kid's hand, etc) seems to defuse the bomb...
Hope this helps.
:-)
jen

Hi V S,

I know how hard it is being a mom. I also have a four year old son. My feeling is you did the right thing being boss!

Sometimes when children are so tired, or having so much fun etc... it is hard for them to leave. It seems like your son is so well behaved anyway you don't even need to worry. It might happen sometimes, and not another time. I like the warning rule, this gives them a chance to remember they have to obey when it is time to leave:) Hope things work out for you, and your son.
Take care,
T.

he was probably tired..and really just wanted to stay longer it meant a lot to him. i swear you can save yourself so much trouble if you just hug him if he ever flips out again. if my son flips out i say.."lets hug and talk" works a million times better than scolding..sure i do scold and when i do i tell him that i don't tell him "no" for fun its b/c there is a reason behind it..like in that situation i would have said.."we have a really long drive back, and mommy gets sleepy when she has to drive so far and that can be dangerous when driving so i want to go now while i feel good enough to drive..i need your help to get home" so they feel that u need them also to be a part of the next step..going home.
my son is 4..he will freak out about something like he wants ice cream or candy instead of food..tells me "mommy i'm really mad at you right now"
So...i say.."lets hug" and we hug..then i explain ..if ice cream etc..were good for you i'd let u have that all the time but its not good for you it just tastes good..and i explain about sugar...and then i explain about food..etc..
and the tantrum is gone ..we are hugging and he is understanding why i am doing what i'm doing.
sometimes if i get mad my son now will say "mom, lets hug" and he tells me "i love you mommy"
once a little boy bigger than my son hit him at the park..and my son turned and hit a little girl b/c the boy was too big..the girl was older and she grabbed my son and held him in her arms and said.."its going to be ok lets hug"
it was so beautiful and i have been doing that ever since and my son is a doll and stopped with all hitting at school and tantrums are nipped in the bud. Try it next time if you remember to..i know its hard to remember when a tantrum is happening...your first reaction is to go head to head..but try this and see how it goes.

hugs

D.

wow thats something i have seen myself from 2 of my kids. but i think u handled it very well i think i would have done the same. iguess all kids have that phase when the think they can just throw a tantrum and they can get what they want but i think soon enough they grow out of it my kids dont even try to pull that kind of stuff n e more if they do they know what comes next punishment. i think that night he was just having so much fun he just didnt wanna leave. its ok i dont think u did n e thing wrong u were just being a good parent:)

You did nothing wrong- stop second guessing yourself!!! Like you said, you had been there from 3 and had an hour and a half ride there too. He was prob. just tired and over excited and HE wasn't thinking straight! You kept calm and STAYED the parent (the boss!!!). Well done VS- he had a bad day and knew himself to apologize for it. Sounds like you are raisng a very toughtful and considerate child. Let it be forgotten, it's not his everyday behaivor. We've all had our moments- he had one too.

Be blessed,

K.

XO

I think you did fine. an alternative that I have done when my kid does this is I whip out my camera phone (always close by) and video them throwing a fit. usually the stop pretty quickly. Then I show them the video of how terrible they were just acting. I ask them if that kid needs a time out. They just kind of stare. And feel a little ashamed. now anytime it happens I reach for my phone and they pretty much stop. I show them the videos occasionally and they are astonished and their behavior.

You are doing it right, really you are. Kids will test their boundaries, is is natural. Come to think of it...so do adults...have you ever caught yourself speeding? You know you shouldn't...but...well...your son is doing the same thing. He is seeing what he can get away with.

First and foremost, you are the parent, you set the guidelines. PRACTICE being the parent you want around your child always. Jsut keep being consisten. If they are doing something you don't like tell them what you DO like. You are the guide, the role model, the final decision.

It is very simple. It may not be easy, but it is simple. You state in a very clear tone, "we do not do that in our family. Are you part of this family? Fine then we don't do that (whatever the behaviour is). If you want something, need something are upset about something we discuss it, we don't (whine, be disrespectful whatever the behaviour) in this family. So in this family we discuss what we want. Are you part of this family? Great, then let's discuss it. Do you need a minute to think about what you want to say? (Give him the opportunity to calm down and formulate his thoughts)"

Be firm, but not mean. Be straight, no guesswork on his part. There are no consequences, just facts. In this family we do this, and this is what we don't do. Fact. No story, no explanation, no variations. You MUST have your husband on board.

The other day we were at a friends place visiting. BEFORE WE ARRIVED I told both my daughters we needed to leave by 6:30 to get home in time for my conference call at 7 PM. I said: We will say our good byes at 6:20 and be in the car, backing out of the driveway before 6:30. Tonight I have a conference call and we will be home in time, alright? Everyone agreed. At 6:10 I reminded them we had to leave in 10 mins. My daughter's friend said, "Can Taylor Rae stay and play longer and my mom will drive her home?" Taylor Rae answered and said, "nope, we can't". I didn't have to say anything. It was already decided earlier.

Some might argue for negotiation skills...seizing the opportunity, but you know what, there are some non negotiables. Brushing their teeth is a non negotiable, drinking their nutritional shake in the AM is a non negotiable, getting in the car so that I was on time for my team call...a non negotiable. They know the rules, they know their boundaries and we never have or will have the whining, the disrespect etc.

You will come up against his will again, you truly will. So teach them daily...yes daily...things will not change. AND you have to treat yourself daily.

And if you think they don’t need to be reminded daily, just take a drive and count how many speed limit signs there are on the road, how many stop signs there are...how many traffic lights there are. We all need constant reminders of the behaviour that is appropriate to our leading healthy productive lives.

Does this help?

B.
Family Success Coach