Tantrums at 3 1/2 - New Lenox,IL

At this age, her behavior sounds perfectly normal--unfortunately for us mommas!

She wants her voice to be heard. She's trying to assert her independance and decision-making skills. Kind of like if you pick our her clothes for her and she starts a tantrum because she doesn't want to wear that particular outfit (even though it's one of her favorites). She's screaming solely because she didn't get to make the decision on something in her little 3 1/2-year old world.

As these little wonders get older, they do/should get to make more decisions about the world they interact with. But these decisions should not be open-ended like "what do you want to do today?" Those options are endless and can make the decision overwhelming for a youngin'.

You may find that if you start to give her her own choices and decisions to make, she'll respond better at those times when she doesn't have a choice. And you can even control the outcome to be something you want, too. The choice should never be between more than 2 things. So, for your example about the bike trailer, next time you could ask "Do you want to bring your doll or toy car with you in the trailer?" Now you've given her a choice between two reasonable toys to take with in the trailer, but you've taken the decision about whether or not she's actually IN the trailer away without her even knowing it!

You'll still likely get some good tantrums because that's just how kids are and we, as the parents, do the best we can to manage and corral the tantrums. But I've had more success with the method I've described than I've had with yelling back at my kids when they start massive tantrums!

Good luck to you all! This, too, shall pass :)

I've had luck with getting down to my son's eyelevel, telling him to look at me and either count to ten or take three big deep breaths. It doesn't always work, but I think it's good to try and get them distracted, calm down and then they can tell you what's bothering them.

123 Magic. It's a great book! I borrowed it from the library and then buying it from the bookstore. I actually got the one for Christian parents which I didn't even know existed until I was in the store. 123 Magic was the discipline system used when my daughter was in pre-school. It is designed for kids from 2-12.

Hi there,

Sounds rough! Have you tried Dr. Karp's "Happiest Toddler on the Block" method? There's a book and a DVD. I've used it with my 3 1/2-year-old daughter and found it works pretty well.

Also, I've noticed a direct relationship between my daughter's behavior and the amount of sleep she gets. She recently stopped napping, and we were still putting her to bed at 7:30 or 8. Now she goes to bed at 6:30 and wakes up in a much better mood and is more cooperative throughout the day. (You can check out Dr. Weissbluth's "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" for help on this one.)

Good luck!

R.

I agree with RB. Give her 2 options.
This behavior is frustrating but normal. Kids don't have the words or skills to state what they want. They are trying to get their way and be independent and sometimes the only thing the can do is fuss.
I used to put my son in his room and sit on the side of the bed and tell him we could stay in there until he could calm down and then we could figure out what was going on and what he needed or wanted. What they have to learn is that they can get what they need but they can't always get what they want. And it's not okay to kick or pull on you or anybody else - you have to deal with that behavior seperately. The other thing is that kids need to understand that they need to obey Mom or Dad. Sometimes you just have to pick them up and put the in the bike trailer because this is what we are doing now. She sounds like a smart, sweet and strong little girl. All those things will serve her well as she grows up. Hang in there momma. I honestly thought three and four was way harder than the terrible twos.

Wow, this doesn't sound like fun at all.

Here's some tips that may help you:

Make sure she is getting adequate sleep
Have some rules in place and make sure she is aware of them
Give consequences if she breaks the rules

Sleep- When my oldest was about this age she was a bear to deal with sometimes. Later on I realized that she wasn't getting enough sleep. We were putting her to bed at 9 or 10 at nite and this just wasn't working. She would fight me on every little thing and she just seemed downright miserable. Then our ECFE teacher recommended a book called "Is my Child Overtired?" by Dr. Wilchoff. It was a very helpful book. It tells you how much sleep your child needs according to their age. So make sure she's getting adequate sleep.

Rules- When you go on a bike ride or go to the store or anywhere make sure she knows what you expect of her. She may be only 3 1/2 but kids are smarter than people think. Start by telling her when you go on bike rides the rules are: you need to sit in the trailer, strapped in with a helmet (for example) Tell her she can bring a toy or stuffed animal etc. But if she doesn't keep her helmet on (my daughter always fights me on the helmet issue) then you will take the toy away. We did this a lot with my older daughter. As long as she was good we would let her bring a toy and maybe even give a treat after we got home. Sometimes we would just tell her, I'm so proud of you for staying in the shopping cart today and give her a hug and kiss. This was heaven to her and she liked it when we "caught her being good." Her face just beams when we tell her we're proud of her. Now that she's 10 1/2 she still beams when we catch her doing something good.

Consquences- Make sure you're consistant with this. Say you go for a bike ride and she keeps taking her helmet off. Pull over and tell her she has to wear the helmet or the bike ride is over. If she has a fit take her home and tell her that when she's ready to wear her helmet and follow your rules she can ride again. I would also put her in time out for 3 minutes for breaking the rule and having a fit. If she continues with a melt down while you're trying to put her in time out you can do a time out in her room. If you're not able to get her to stay in her room for whatever reason the Super Nanny has a technique where you return the child to their room (or bed or chair or where ever you want them to stay) over and over until the child stays there. It's a lot of work but it will pay off. Some of the parents on the Super Nanny show start getting tired physically but the Nanny tells them to stick it out. The important thing here is to make sure you try to stay calm, don't yell (easier said than done!) and DON'T CAVE IN. And make sure you and you're husband are on the same page as well. If one of you is trying to put her in time out and the other doesn't do it correctly, your daughter will get confused and not take either one of you seriously. Don't let her win no matter what.

HTH and good luck!!!