My son is driving us CRAZY. Fortunately it only seems to happen at home, which tells me it isn't a 'real' problem (my husband thinks we need to seek therapy). Out of the blue, for no real reason, asking him to do the same things we ask him to do every day he will have a complete melt down. He cries, tells us we are mean, tells us he doesn't love us (sometimes he even hates us), that we hurt his feelings, he hits, won't stay in time out. This will last for about 30-40 minutes.
I try the calm talk. I try reason talk. I try to ignore him. I try yelling at him. Once I even broke down and spanked him (which is not a good option for a kid that hits already).
What is going on? Anyone?
What happened that finally brought me to Mamapedia? Last night my husband made a 'deal' with the boy. If he went upstairs, put his PJ's on and brushed his teeth quickly, he could watch the end of his favorite show before bed. The boy agreed then went into melt down that Daddy wasn't being fair, that Daddy wasn't doing his part of the deal. By the time I got involved, the boy had been at it for 20 minutes. He won't stay in time out - he won't stay in his room. He stands there and hits one of us or says something that makes the other parent yell. "don't hit your father" - "don't say that to your mother" That kind of thing. I understand his being tired, last night was nothing out of the ordinary. He is in kindergarten at the same place he has been at for 3 years. No new kids in the house, no changes. What am I missing?
When my kids tried that, I would calmly look at them and say "looks like someone needs a nap" and put them down for a nap. Often it was true, they were just over tired. Other times the threat of a nap was enough to snap them out of it.
Kids regress at the half year. It's a normal part of development.
They also like to test. Have you asked him about his meltdowns?
yesterday, my almost 5 year old fake cried when I answered a question she didn't like. I immediately dealt her a consequence. Then she tried on whining to me about it, a little more fake crying, etc. I just told her the conversation was over, that she needs to use a calm, normal voice for effective communication. In fact, I'm really pushing "effective communication" strategies with her right now, since she is in the process of learning how to not lash out at people (why do 4-5 year olds lash out!!) When either of my kids start a "meltdown," I also do reverse psychology with them: is that the best you can do? DOn't you want to stamp your feet some more? I dont' think you are shouting loudly enough? I think you should roll around on the floor and kick those legs!" They usually then collect themselves enough to have a normal conversation.
I wish I had more suggetions, but I'd send him to his room, and if that doesn't work, I'd go lock myself in my own room.
I would love to tell you it gets easier, but our son is 6 1/2 and he still does the same things yours does! lol But, I will say that I also read 123 Magic and implemented some of the things from that book and it really has made a difference. I also use charts for him. I write on a chart the things he has to do every day that are not negotible (shower, brush teeth, etc.) and he checks them off. When he checks them all off, he gets to pick a nick jr show on netflix to watch. He also has "extra" things he can do like help dust, set the table, little things like that. If he wants to do any extras, then he gets rewarded with 5 extra minutes of TV time. He figured out really quick that if he didn't do the things he had to do, he got nothing. There were a couple days of tough craying episodes in his bed, but he figured it out.
Just remember to stay calm and show no emotion. Any emotion, even bad is reward for a tantrum in his eyes. Also, if it only happens at school, set up some time with the teacher to see what strategies she uses in the classroom and implement the same things at home. We have a few things that his teacher uses that we use at home and my son actually likes it. It's a consistent routine for him then. But don't be afraid to talk to the teacher about it.
Taking your previous posts into account, I am with your H. It would be good for everyone involved to get some family counseling. You can learn some new techniques and get some insight into his behavior. Look for a specialist in family therapy. You can ask your ped for a referral.
He's pushing for a boundary.
Forget the time out and definitely forget trying to talk to him and there is absolutely no way to reason with a 5 year old.
I would simply tell him to go to his room, have his tantrum and come out when he's done. In fact, I probably wouldn't tell him; I'd simply go over, grab him by the arm or pick him up and deposit him in his room. He will probably stop the tantrum just because he's not sure what you're doing. When you get him in the room, tell him when he's done he can come out.
I would also nip that backtalk straight in the bud. He's entitled to his feelings, but he's not entitled to hurt your feelings in the process. He can go to his room and spew out all the mean talk he wants, but don't let you hear it!
It's a matter of learning self-control and respect.
Hey Mama, I think you are right, that this might not be a serious problem, but it might not be a bad a idea to still get some professional support. What would it hurt? I say cross every T and dot every I when it comes to making sure our kids are ok. Sounds like you could use some good parenting strategies. There are several good books out there worth checking out but talking in person with a professional will help you implement the parenting strategies more effectively. Blessings!
It's not unusual for children to work harder to behave/hold feelings in while they are in public then explode when they get home.
I've found recently with my son that I can't talk to him when he gets into that mode. I say what he needs to do once, give a warning and if he still doesn't listen i take him by the hand and show him to where he needs to pick up his toys/get dressed/throw a tantrum. and he usually does it while STILL carrying on (but I've since removed myself from the situation)! The more we talk the more he gets going and it just spirals out of control. It's really bad between him and my husband because my husband just keeps going on and on and on.......this is a good article i read recently...... http://www.empoweringparents.com/arguing-with-your-opinio...
My son is 6 and I can tell you that we have experienced melt downs like you're mentioning. We use matter of fact talking, then ignoring the tantrum. I refuse to stoop to his level and have a tantrum myself so we use the 1,2,3 Magic method. You can get this on DVD or a book for helpful guidance. I have never struck my child. Don't feel hurt when your son tells you he doesn't love you. Try to ignore it. They don't have many weapons in their arsenal yet but this seems to be a common one. Remember that it is harder to work on these problems when kids are tired and cranky . Try to reward the good behavior with compliments and praise-- they really thrive on that!
What are the "things" you are asking him to do?
Maybe he's overly tired. He's only 5, he might be overwhelmed. Did he just begin school this year? I think if he starts melting down, maybe you can let go of the "thing" that you want him to do, for now.
I think you might be talking to him too much. With boys, especially, less talking is often better. They usually don't see the wisdom of all of our reasoning until they are about 20.
When he melts down, just give him a big hug, and then let him cry it out for a while. He's still a baby. If he hits, quiety put him in his room.
Less talk, more action.
You mention that he "won't" stay in time outs or in his room.
His room is no place to send him as discipline. All his stuff is there. A time out should be in a totally boring place -- nothing nearby even to look at.
Get books by the "supernanny" Jo Frost. She really has good, though tough, approaches to making time outs work. The key is that once the child is in time out, if he gets up and walks away -- the adult must take him back to the time out location. Again and again. There have been episodes of her old show where the parent and child would do this routine for very long periods. The adults want to cave eventually but if they do - the chiild learns that he wins, and time outs mean nothing. Read her books and be prepared to stick with returning him to time out once, twice, a dozen times until he says in the location for the entire official time-out period. Letting him get up and leave is telling him that he controls the time out.
I agree with others who post that he might be overtired. What times of day is this happening? You mentioned one bedtime example, but what other times? Usually after school?
Is he getting an afternoon snack at school or when he gets home? Low blood sugar can make some kids very testy and angry, and he also may be growing and need more intake than he used to.
Does he have a very set routine for the time after school each day, or do things vary day to day or get changed around a lot? He may need a very fixed routine that includes a snack, down time (NOT with a video screen), homework time, chore time (for these tasks that seem to melt him down) and dinner.
He may need an earlier bed time -- has bed time been slipping later since he got older or started K?
He may be undergoing some growth and hormonal changes too, that are making him more short-fused. That is not an excuse for bad behavior, of course, but could explain some of it. A routine where he knows what happens every single day at the same time may give him some sense of control, and that could help him feel calmer.
You mention that you try the calm talk, reasoning, ignoring, yelling - but you need to have ONE consistent reaction that both you and your husband use every single time. If your son doesnt' know if he'll be yelled at, spanked, ignored, talked to calmly, he doesn't know what's coming next and is keyed up to defend himself with his overwrought emotions. Consistency is key, and I'd opt for the calm approach coupled with ignoring. He needs to see that the same thing happens every time and that what happens is mom and dad will remove their attention if he goes too far. With hitting, there needs to be very firm and swift taking away of things he values like TV time -- no compromises.
Some good books on child behavior would help and so would Jo Frost's time out techniques. One other thing though -- you say that since it only happens at home, it "isn't a 'real' problem," but it indeed is a real problem. A child who's perfect at school but having 30-minute tantrums at home is having a problem and causing one too. Not sure why you dismiss it as not "real" when clearly it upsets you enough that you broke down and spanked him. And good for you for knowing that spanking only shows him it's OK to hit -- it is not at all good for a kid who already hits, you're right about that.
Your husband may be right about therapy, too. If things do not improve with consistency, better time-outs and real, meaningful taking away of things he values -- it is no source of shame to seek out some professional help. It may not be therapy you need but a few sessions of family counseling, or parenting class for you and your husband. No shame in any of that.
Sounds like time for 1-2-3 Magic, to me.
There was only one thing of your list of things you tried that involved no emotion from you--- the ignoring. And ignoring a problem doesn't work. You can't be emotional either though. So I will go with my "standard" suggestion of trying the 1-2-3 on him.
Get the book and give it a read. It is short and simple. And it does work. But you have to read the book to understand why it works and to give it an honest chance. If you try to only read the first chapter so you can start right away---you won't get it right, and then it won't work. It is very simple. But the way you screw it up is by being emotional and talking too much. The book does a good job of reiterating that you can't do that, but it is still easy to do it anyway. So read the whole book. It won't take you but two hours or so to read the whole thing anyway...
http://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Ch...
It's even available in a kindle format if you want to have in your hand today. It costs a little more and is a newer edition, but I'd recommend the hard copy, since you will refer back to various sections the first week or two you use it.
My DD is 4.5 and there are days (like last night) where she will turn into a banshee. I told DH that I would like him to NOT give her a pop tart near bedtime or any sort of high sugar food. I really wonder if that's part of it for DD.
I also think that she is in a hugely independent/control phase and if she cannot MAKE something go just so, she loses her mind. I have been working with her on being calm, using your words, asking and talking vs screaming. She'll go to (or be put in) her room to calm down, as tantrums don't get an audience here. She if she comes out and yells, she goes back. And I'll hear her in there complaining and yelling "No! No! I just wanted x,y,z but no...Mommy said...." it's like Gollum arguing with Smeagol sometimes. She'll say I hurt her feelings and I'll tell her that she hurt mine by not listening and blowing up when she knows it's <insert time here>. It is really hard sometimes not to give in, but why reward screaming? Sigh.
Sometimes, depending on the behavior, I offer her a hug because it's that she needs some reassurance vs she's being bad. Like after her sister leaves for college and DD's feeling lonely and misses her. So if there's been a big something or other in his life, maybe he needs to be reassured that everything is OK?
I would give a true tantrum less attention. "You can go to your room until you calm down." and talk to him about acceptable ways to communicate later.
Ah, kids....
