Teacher Issue - Need Help to Address

I have a daughter the same age, and I've learned over the years to just calmly state the facts and express how the teachers actions made my daughter feel in a non-accusatory way. Sometimes when a teacher realizes that a parent is paying attention, the teacher becomes much more aware of her own actions and how they might affect that particular student. Example: "Ella came home from school in tears yesterday. She said that when she said she completed the reading assignment, she wasn't believed."

I haven't been in this exact situation but I'd try 2 things
1 - don't assume you know what happened. Ask the teacher what happened and really listen when she tells it from her point of view, and then try to reconcile it with what your daughter said.
2 - After you listen to her version of what happened, if it differs from what your daughter said, follow up with something like "I see what you are saying, but maybe you didn't realize that from Jane's point of view, it seemed like she was punished for being honest and Joe was rewarded for lying. I know that is not what you intended, but can you understand why she would feel that way?" Or something like that.

I think the key to the meeting is not to try to tell the teacher she was wrong (because I'm sure the teacher saw the situation differently than your daughter did), but to try to lead her to understand how her actions would have been interpreted differently by a child, so maybe she'll have more awareness next time.

Also, I'm not sure what your daughter interprets as public humiliation since I have no idea what exactly happened, and some teens are more sensitive about this kind of stuff than others, but if it was truly, objectively, a public putdown, then you might need include more than just the teacher in the meeting. But your post doesn't sound like you are at this point yet.

MyNewNickname gives many great tips. A good strategy in any situation like this is to get the other person to talk first. You only have your daughter's viewpoint, and kids are sometimes reliable reporters and sometimes are not. I'm not saying she's lying - I'm saying she may not know the whole story and she, naturally, has a kid's viewpoint.

Don't lay out your whole argument as you have here. I'm not saying you're wrong, but I'm saying you put yourself at a disadvantage if you make her defensive. Do say, as suggested below, that there was an incident and your daughter was extremely upset, and can the teacher explain what happened. You can also say at some point that you understand there may be information about other children that cannot be shared with you. (For example, if she patted a child who has special needs of some sort, that may be a signal they have worked out together for a special reason.)

Then sit back and listen - without listening in order to respond. Add in, as needed, "Can you explain that a little more?" or "Would you elaborate a bit - I'm not sure I have the whole picture." You can also pose questions like, "Since Jane felt that XYZ, can you suggest ways we might work together to help her?"

I wouldn't bring up the prior incident right away. But you can add, "There was a prior occurrence where you felt Jane was not honest about an assignment? Can you fill me in on that?" Again, let the teacher talk, but you can say - as non-defensively as possible, which is really hard - "Are you telling me that you think Jane lies?" Again, don't start there, but you can wind up there.

At the end, summarize - and write stuff down: "So, to review, you are saying that Jane is not truthful, and that reprimanding publicly is an effective strategy?"

If you still have concerns that the teacher isn't doing right by your daughter, talk to the principal or school psychologist.

At 12, it's also important to teach your daughter how to interact with her teachers and how to speak up respectfully but determinedly on her own behalf. She can also go back to the teacher later and say, "I want to talk to you about the incident the other day. I really feel that there's more to the story that you didn't fully understand. Perhaps I didn't explain it fully and I'd like to do so."

I've been in the classroom 18 years as a sub in elementary only.

Parent/teacher conference times are planned down to the minute and the focus is the work and progress of the student. When a parent brings in a bucket full of questions and concerns, it throws off the entire schedule making the teacher appear like they are not concerned when they truly are but conference times are set at a firm 30 minutes each. The next appointment is usually in the hallway waiting their turn.

The issue you are talking about should be addressed separately in an appointment you set up with the teacher to specifically address this issue.

Now, teens do get humiliated over the slightest things. I see this especially in the 4th and 5th grade levels.

I have a hard time believing that lying is rewarded and maybe you do not know the full story.

I am in NO way saying your child is lying. I know if my child was accused of lying and had not lied, I would also be very upset. You have every right to ask questions when your child is accused of something. Your child should also be able to communicate with the teacher any concerns as well. As she goes through school, she will have to learn to advocate for herself with professors through college.

As with any conversations like this with the teacher, communication is key and your goal is not to attack but to simply ask the question. Allow the teacher to elaborate on what happened. I would simply tell the teacher that my child feels as though she was not believed when she told the truth and can she help me understand the issue so we can work together to understand full expectations of assignments, etc.

I used to be asked to mediate at work a lot. The key is to focus on the issue - not the person/people involved.

So decide what you feel the issue is - is it that your daughter doesn't feel supported by the teacher? That you didn't like how it was handled? That your daughter doesn't feel the teacher is being fair?

I would pick your issue(s) and then just calmly say - I'm hoping I can address one or two issues. Keep it brief because you might have to make an actual separate appointment rather than do it at a parent/teacher conference where that's more for talking about marks. You could just bring it up and say "I have some concerns about how she's feeling about how issues are handled in class - she doesn't feel comfortable coming to you because of how 1 or 2 incidents were handled - maybe I should follow up with you? How would you best like to handle that?" and just leave it there. They usually only have about 5-10 minutes to talk at these things, less if they are running late, and you might be putting her on the spot if she's ready to talk marks. Usually that's what they have on their minds.

If she brings it up - then just state - my daughter just felt you weren't being fair.

I think (from what you've stated here) that's the issue.

Your daughter (12) is likely feeling very sensitive and embraced which is typical for that age. It may not even have gone down as she described. Kids that age (some) tend to exaggerate with moms because you're their safe person. Emotions come flooding out.

Parent/teacher conferences are not the forum for this type of issue. Conferences are for grades and to discuss academic progress. Not only are you ambushing the teacher to bring it up at conferences, you are likely damaging the time that other parents get to spend talking to the teacher since you will almost certainly go over your allotted time.

Schedule a meeting with the teacher (without your daughter) to discuss. If you do not get the resolution you are looking for or feel that the situation is better handled through mediation with the Principal/Assistant Principal, go that route AFTER discussing with the teacher your concerns.

Good luck.

Lying is such a hard thing to pin down because truth can vary so much depending on circumstances and point of view.
I'm sure the teacher has homework expectations.
She assigns work and expects it will be done in a certain way by a certain deadline.
If a student is not understanding what a teacher wants then the student needs to speak up and ask for clarification - this is a skill that's needed in college and even in future jobs.
Generally it's a problem at the beginning of a semester when a student starts with a teacher and dosen't know them yet.
How do you lie about a reading assignment?
Either you did the reading or you didn't and it's not difficult to prove you did the reading and know what you read.

As for humiliation - it's also hard because teens can feel humiliated over the smallest things - when really they are the center of attention for a short time and it's yesterdays news in an even shorter time.

You have to take the impression of 'the other boy lying' off the table - because it's here-say and you are talking to the teacher about your child and no body else.
You don't know if other kids are lying or cheating - there's no way you can control any of that - so just concentrate on your daughter learning to work with this teacher better.
Everyone has a teacher they can't stand at one point or another.
Sometimes a tough teacher makes you learn the most not just about the subject matter but about getting along with difficult people.

Or maybe the teacher is a true nut job - when I was in 11th grade we had an AP English teacher almost jump out our classrooms 3rd floor window during our class.
Half the class was scared to death while the other half wished he'd jump already and get it over with.

Always, always, always get BOTH sides of the story. You simply let the teacher know what your daughter told you, and ask her if there was more to it, or if there's any missing information, etc.
Your daughter is only telling you one side, hear the other before deciding how to react and/or proceed.
ETA: Reading your SWH makes me think your daughter is not being fully honest, I'm pretty sure there is more to this story. Cheating is taken seriously and almost never dealt with in front of the entire class. It's just not.

First of all good for you for addressing this- your daughter will feel your support even if nothing is solved.

After my experiences- if this is a first offense- I would keep remotely quiet. If there is a way to ask the teacher about anything related this situation do that- a sideways avenue.

The reason I say this is I’ve never had any positive thing come of giving a teacher or principle feedback. It always backfires.

I work in a L. hospital and I’ve learned you can plant seeds by telling other people (parents) a little something about your situation- especially parents of older children who have had this teacher. Use your networks- if this is done carefully enough word gets around and people talk etc... eventually the principle finds out- and they will have been primed fir you to confide if given the chance.

Sad way to communicate- but directly in a school never works- even if the kids safety is in danger- teachers and principles don’t think this way. They get through their days till summer with a glass of wine in the evening.

Problems are not solved in school- only made.

Lots of great advice below. I just want to emphasize one thing mentioned by Diane: if there was really a "pat on the shoulder" involved, it sounds like a "signal", like for a [private, none of your business] special needs situation with that boy.

Be aware that there are probably pieces of this story that you truly do not know.

So you, having not been there nor heard the other side of the story, are 100% sure your daughters side of the story is completely true and not twisted at all to make her look better or like the victim? I would tread lightly when I go in and seek the rest of the story before accusing the teacher of anything because it is just as likely that the version of events you got from your child has a lot of spin in it to make her seem completely innocent. Keep an open mind as to what really happened and don't get defensive if what the teacher saw of the situation does not fit the story you were told completely. I am of course not saying your child is lying, just that you should approach the situation without any preconceived notions of what happened.

Glad your meeting went well. I just wanted to congratulate you for addressing your daughter's distress. As a school person, I appreciate all the comments about getting the full story. But as a Mom, I also appreciate and highly value acknowledging your daughter's need for help navigating the world of adult expectations. Thank you for showing respect for the teacher and for your daughter.

Updated

Glad your meeting went well. I just wanted to congratulate you for addressing your daughter's distress. As a school person, I appreciate all the comments about getting the full story. But as a Mom, I also appreciate and highly value acknowledging your daughter's need for help navigating the world of adult expectations. Thank you for showing respect for the teacher and for your daughter.

I wonder if it might be better to talk to the guidance counselor first? She might be able to help navigate this.