Teaching My Kids to Take Care of Their Toys. HELP!!

I second Beth's answer!

Tough love. Make them work for replacement items. They will quickly learn to appreciate things if THEY have to work for it.

New toys, electronics, etc. are for birthdays and Christmas only.

I understand your frustration. I hate clutter. My kids (ages 6 and 12) know how I feel about cleaning up toys. Here is what happens in our house. The rule is that if you take something out, you put it away before you take something else out. That way there should never be a huge mess. When you're finished playing, you put the last thing away. My oldest is naturally extremely organized, so he doesn't have a problem with this. My youngest missed out on the neat gene, so he struggles. He's learning. If I have to clean something up and it's a cheap toy, like a happy meal toy, it goes in the trash. Lesson learned. If it's a nicer toy, it goes in the garage and he doesn't get it back for a week. We've already been through the reminders to clean up. I didn't start off so harsh. Now I don't have to clean up very often at all. When he sees me coming through the room he scrambles to clean up anything he isn't playing with right then. Of course I encourage him to make a mess while he's playing and be as creative as he wants. I just don't want him to leave the mess there when he's finished. Good luck. :-)

Edited to add: I agree with Dana W. too about having them buy some of their own things. Both of my boys save birthday money and do extra chores to save money so they can buy special items. Then they realize money doesn't grow on trees, and neither do toys. They take better care of them then. My oldest trades in old Wii games when he wants new ones instead of us buying them, too. That way he has to really consider what he is willing to give up before he gets a new one.

I must say that I disagree with some advice here; no amount of "shouting", lecturing, or explaining is going to work here, otherwise it would have already! They are old enough to know that toys are expensive, others aren't as fortunate, blah blah...that is not important to them (I am deducing by their actions) so time for action.

I LOVE solutions by the book and series "Love and Logic". I am guessing in this situation there would be a ,"You are welcome to keep all of the toys put in the (insert plastic bin or other place here) at the end of the day at (whatever) o'clock

. That's it! One sentence. THEN when the time comes and there is still stuff on the floor, into a garbage bag and put away (the best in permanently, like to the Salvation Army...I understand that this is hard if you spent a ton of money on stuff, but will be cheaper in the long run, trust me). No yelling, explaining, lecturing. If they put up a stink (and they will) calmly remind them of what you said (you could even do that in the form of a sign for the original statement, so you can just point to the sign when they flip out).
Hey, even, if you do the "you are welcome to keep" sign, you could have them sign the bottom before it goes into effect, to show that they understand that any toys left on the floor they are giving to charity. That way they can't "play dumb" and say that they didn't understand.

Next? The next time you are out running errands, take the bag full of toys and drop it off at the Salvation Army. Do everything cheerfully, without anger, do NOT engage when they flip out. I GUARANTEE they will think twice about leaving toys on the floor ever again.

Good luck!

Personally, if it is a huge, expensive issue, I'd stop purchasing the items for them.

The best example I can relate it to is being in college my freshman year when my parents were footing the bill - I was an excellent student in High School but found new freedom being 650 miles from home and loved my independence. I never skipped class, always turned assignments in on time, but I'd rather have played with my friends in the evenings than study.

Then, when my parents told me I couldn't return because they couldn't afford it, and I worked 3 jobs for the next 15 months to get back to school, I became a much better, dedicated student. I knew how hard I had to work to pay for just 1 credit hour.

So, I'd simply not replace them when something breaks due to their negligence and make them replace the items with their own earned money.

More than anything, it sounds like it's a respect issue, and they don't respect their belongings - I think your idea is also a good one. I personally believe it's going to be tough love and lots of shouting (on their behalf) until they start understanding the value of their belongings.

Good luck!

Hi K.,

I do not have older children, but I am stretching my brain back to that age and trying to think of what would have worked for me. I will say it will be a slower process just because this has not been their habit and for so long they were not expected to pick up after themselves. (I will also admit I am terrible about this with my 3-year-old and it is usually faster for me to clean up later.)

It is very important that they learn to care for their belongings. Even a 7-year-old can have reasonable household chores expected of him or her, so it might help to start out with a family "meeting." (None of us ever liked them, but I think they got the point across.) You are working, and now everyone needs to share in household responsibilities. Even when you were home it should not have been solely your responsibility, but now it is everyones. You could have a list of daily and weekly chores that have to be done and have an idea of who is able to do them (a 13-year-old can mow the lawn, but a 7-year-old would be safer doing laundry, etc.). If they are putting the work into keeping the house tidy and caring for family posessions, it will help them develop better habits about everything. I would hesitate to have them "earn" their toys back in that sense. It makes more sense to me to simply say once something is left out and not picked up, especially if someone has asked, it goes in the bin for ____ days. That's it. And the person who wants it back will get it back after the set amount of time, but also needs to continue to be doing his or her chores.

This is also a great age to start teaching children about money--they are old enough to earn small amounts of money for extra tasks or a small allowance (appropriate for their ages), which they can use or save to buy some of those nicer toys. I think we take better care of things when we know their value. I don't know if these ideas would help your children, but please remember that it is going to be a process for them to change their habits at this age, and thank you for the reminder that I need to start doing this with my kids now.

I have a 9, 6, 3, and due today...
I perform the if it gets broken it goes in the garbage and the kids don't get replacements... Until they save enough money from their chores to get it for themselves... (The older 2)

But we also do not buy the kids expensive electronic toys... We do not own a tv set so we also do not have any game systems. We have never gotten our kids DS's or anything like that...
Our boys like their remote control cars and trucks... But if they are destructive and break them, they then get to throw them and the controllers away...

The kids are old enough to know to pick up... SO if something is on the floor... Pick it up, show it to them, and then CHUCK it... (pick a cheap thing the first couple times) Tell them that in 5 min (or set time) you will return and anything else on the floor will go... Be prepared to throw things away that you would usually not... You will be suprized how much "stuff" kids have that they are not emotionally attatched to and do not care if its gone...

They will learn... And if they don't already... Institute chores that they can earn a couple bucks a week from so they can buy what they want to replace... and learn the value of a dollar...

On the up side... Your house will be cleaner and less cluttered... The kids will still whine, but they will have less things to whine about. :-)

My brother and I had to use our allowance for most toys starting around 6-8 years old. Buy 12 I was babysitting and mowing lawns and buying pretty much anything that wasn't a necessity. Our parents would have taken away things we abused-but we didn't do that. By that age, we understood there would be serious consequences. Also we were NEVER allowed a snide attitude toward our parents for anything much less doing our chores or we would have not gotten our allowance and would have had some other punishment. Again, since this was the case, we never smarted off or had a bad attitude about chores, so it wasn't an issue.
This was invaluable and enabled us to be used to hard work and being good employees from a very young age which carried over into adulthood. As kids, we never got to have the really expensive toys on the market-except the rare Christmas or birthday present which we treasured-we were taught most nice things were things we could earn later when we got better jobs. I'm shocked at how small kids today have things that cost hundreds of dollars.
My daughter (4) already learned she cant' have the $300 Barbie dollhouse. She "wrote Santa a thank you letter" saying she had a good Christmas even without the house. Everyone has to clean up when I say so or they get a consequence, AND they have to do it nicely with no guff. No grumbling an groaning allowed. They now do it sort of automatically at ages 2 1/2 and 4 1/2, but sometimes it's a challenge, but I never back down! It's natural for kids to fight it-humans hardly ever want to work and be careful etc, that's why you have to enforce rules and prepare them for the world.
One thing that had a big effect on my oldest (4 1/2) was a favorite toy (dress up dolls) she kept leaving strewn all over so the baby could choke on the pieces. I finally packed it up and took her to the thrift shop with me to give it away in addition to her consequence for ignoring two warnings to pick them up. She was REALLY sad to lose the dolls, but she immediately started putting stuff away automatically after that. She didn't stay traumatized long and now she thinks of things to take to the thrift store because we talked a lot about how her dress up dolls went to kids who were happy to get them.

Sounds like your kids are used to having nice things without earning them and then not having consequences to wrong behavior. You can turn it around if you spell out a new, clear expectation and stick to it. Take away anything they're abusing. Give it to a thrift store. Put them to work around the house. Praise them for things they accomplish and get them used to not having things handed to them. Let them buy some different stuff later with their own money (for younger ones let them chip in what they've got from their chores.) Discipline the attitudes. It's important for them as humans and you need a break! Good luck!

Sometimes its hard for kids to keep things tidy when there are too many toys. declutter to an amount that they and you think they can keep tidy. If it doesn't work then let them know that there may be to many things to handle.

Do you and you husband pick up after yourself. We are terrible sometimes at this and when my kids have to pick up their stuff I try to pick up mine too.

If you are going to have toys out in a family room, make them easy to put away. One big tub for all the toys should suffice. Does the Wii have its own spot and do the children know where it goes.

Another thing I have done is that if they don't pick it up that day then they can't play with it the next. They then get it back the following day .

We have five children and so we have lots of toys that we are keeping becuase of our differing age groups. I have used different totes, (including our old large detergent tubs) to organize a group of toys the kids usually play with. These are down in the basement on a shelf. They have to ask permission before they can retrieve one tote to bring up to play with. After they are done they can't bring up another tote till the first one is put away. This makes it so there is a mangable amount of toys to pick up. If they don't, then that tote can't be brought up the next day.

This may seem anal but we are a large homeschooling family living in a small house so it's the only way that has worked.

My kids are 10 & 13. When they don't put things away, they go to my "store" (in my closet). They must buy them back from me when the store is open...which is only Saturday mornings. If they want it before then...too bad...they knew what would happen with it if they left it out. I still remind them sometimes at night...."I'd scan the family room if I were you to make sure you don't have any store items remaining." Quite often I see one of my kids tossing something into the other's room at night...they have each other's backs...it's a win-win all around. Yours are certainly old enough to clean up after themselves. You're doing them (and their potential future spouses) a disservice if you do it for them.

Hi Ladies. I've found this question and answer column very interesting and thought-provoking. My kids are 23 months (twin girls) and 6 months (also a girl). And lately I'm really giving this some thought as they are already pretty nonchalant about abusing toys and resistant to picking them up in some scenarios. Any advice that any of you have on how to get this process started at this age would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks!
P. (gaggleogirls.wordpress.com)

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I think Suzie has it right-- time for a little tough love. But it is also time for you to recognize how you got here-- this is, ultimately, your fault, not the kids'. They have not been taught to respect you or the rules of the house. Regardless of a mother's professional status (SAH vs WAH), children should be respectful of the house rules, and of the house's resources (including toys). I'm not sure why you think it is impossible for your son to save up for a dirt bike-- he could get a "job" (even a 7 year old can do chores for money) or find a used one that he can afford with his allowance/birthday money, etc. Why are you infantilizing your kids in this way? I think that is the main issue that needs to be addressed.

HOWEVER, this is going to be a major sea change, and I think the kids deserve some kind of warning. I would call a family meeting and explain that everyone's behavior needs to change-- yours included. I would sit down and draw up a family contract about what everyone's rights and responsibilities are in the house, and what the consequences will be when the responsibilities are not kept up. I'd go so far as having them sign it. I do think that all kids deserve 1 warning before a serious consequence, so something like a reminder at 10 minutes to bedtime "Anything not in the bin will be gone when you wake up in the morning." In my house, the only rights children have are healthy food and drink, clothes, a mattress, a reasonable amount of Mom and Dad's time, and love. Anything else is a privilege-- treats, toys, books, TV, playground time, playing with friends etc. It does kids no good to feel as if the world owes them whatever they want-- though we WANT to give them everything, we are setting them up for a rude awaking later on if we give into that.

Good for you for getting on top of this before it gets any worse. You may find your kids are secretly relieved to have some boundaries put on them-- it will make them proud to feel like they are taking care of their things! Let us know how it goes!

I think you have a good idea about anything and everything you have to pick up goes away.
You decide if they deserve it back or not.

Also in the future consider not giving them e"xpensive gifts" if they continue to disrespect the gifts they already have.

Even for big holidays, just give them some good basic gifts for outdoor activities, board games, DVD's.

If you want o have them earn their large items, you could also gift them each some cash and let them save for their large items. That is what we have always done for out daughter. She once wanted a Popason chair. We told her great, she should save up for it.. For a year she collected money and saved. Once she had the money she watched for sales and then purchased the chair on her own. She was 10.

She has a great respect for money, because we always discuss in depth what we want and how much our budget is etc..

Hi K.. The tote is a good idea to start. Sitting down with them when your rested and calm and explaining to them clearly and simply what your new rules are since you are now working and what the consequenses are and sticking to them no matter how tired you are will help too. Take the cell phone, tv/computer time, special events....whatever works best to get their attention and make them realize that you are serious!!! Hang in there, it will get better! Best wishes.