K.A.
I'm really appreciating the insight and compassion I'm hearing in your description of your son. Several articles in the preschool category of my blog, www.advice-for-parents.com, address this issue from a perspective that might resonate with you. I don't want to make this post annoyingly long by reprinting them all, so here are a few excerpts and links to help you decide if you want to read the whole thing or not:
Physically aggressive kids in playgroups can really raise a lot of parental hackles, and it's almost MORE exasperating when the physicality doesn't appear to be motivated by anger. Since the attacks seem so random and unpredictable, the other parents feel the need to keep their guard up all the time, and therefore don't relax or unwind. Not much playing gets done, by either parents or children.
read more at http://www.advice-for-parents.com/2008/09/overzealous-pla...
The idea is that our job as parents is to keep everyone safe. This includes protecting young children from doing damage to themselves, others, or property while their developing brains are still unable to control their impulsivity. We do a child no favor when we let him hit or hurt us or anyone else. Since he's too young to be reliably in control of his body, especially while he's feeling strong emotion, we need to be his external safeguard.
As we are gently containing, protecting, or redirecting, it can be helpful for us to say, "I will keep us safe." This reminds us that our intention is protection, not punishment. And it lets the child know that we are stepping in for the good of all concerned, including the aggressor.
read more at http://www.advice-for-parents.com/2008/09/what-do-i-do-wh...
I don't believe that children can feel true remorse for their actions until they are able to distinguish their own experience from that of others. According to Piaget, the ability to take the perspective of another, as well as to understand the relationship between cause and effect, is not fully supported cognitively until at least age 6 or 7.
What may look to some adults like remorse in a young child may in fact be something else -- perhaps simple curiosity, or an instinctive mirroring response (such as crying when they hear another child cry), or even a learned response, such as an empty "I'm sorry" with no real regret behind it.
Children may also react from shame or fear and try to smooth things over with a quick apology if they have been frequently chastised or punished. But it's not likely to be true chagrin or regret for harm they have caused until after age 6 or 7.
read more at http://www.advice-for-parents.com/2008/11/at-what-age-do-...
you'll read this in one of those articles if you go there, but if not, I just want to mention here that it may be worth investigating the possibility that your son has some sensory integration issues. sometimes kids really do have no idea where their bodies are in space, how hard they are pushing on things, etc. occupational therapy can be a huge help by rewiring their nervous systems to give them more detailed feedback so they can adjust their bodies accordingly. Just a thought ...
My colleague and I also teach evening parenting workshops in Boulder and Lafayette on topics like Taming the Toddler Brain, Tantrums and Power Struggles, and Effective Discipline. I think you'd find that there a lots of other intelligent and insightful parents who are facing similar challenges, and there are many effective ways to address concerns like you describe. If you are interested, you can find our schedule at www.inspiring-connections.com. (I hate that this sounds like a cheesy commercial, but I couldn't figure out another way to get this info across. sorry bout that! I respond to lots of posts without including this info, but you sound like exactly the kind of parent who would deeply resonate with our approach.)
warm regards,
K.