Teen Boy Advice

This age sucks! I'm just going to say that. I hated this time with both kids. My son would only wear shorts and t-shirts for 2 years. Ages 13-15 really SUCKED! Welcome to teenage boys. Yuck!

Personally, I got to the point that as long as they were clean, I didn't care what he wore. It was a reflection on him not me. I had to put an invisible wall down so it wouldn't bother me.

Hi there, I work with this age, as a school counselor. This sounds pretty normal.

Especially the sweatshirt thing. A well-worn hoodie is a comfort item to a teenage boy, like a security blanket. I recommend he has a few though, because kids DO notice the boy who wears the same sweatshirt all the time.

Unfortunately for you mom, you will get the worst of the teenage angst because most kids keep it buttoned up at school all day. Then they bring their mood home and unleash it.

I think only you can decide if you are being too hard or not enough... I don't think you should relax your family values just because there is a teenager in the house. So if you have certain standards you plan to raise your family by (politeness to adults, for example) you shouldn't lower them just because he is in a certain stage of adolescence.

And I'm sure you've heard this before but if you are awful and the "worst mom ever" you are probably doing your job...

Welcome to the world of independence or the beginning of it. If your son is more sensitive, his emotions will spill out onto his sleeves a bit more and so will the waterworks. As another poster commented, he has a lot of growing to do between 13 and 18 (5 years) and this is the beginning of it.

My son on his wedding day thanked me for all that I had done for him and he was 36 when he married. Keep your standards and know that one day in the future he will thank you.

the other S.

PS Now it is payback as he has a son and he now knows what mom went through and understands his actions.

Yes, it's a hard age. He's being challenged (puberty, hormones, peer pressure, figuring out this whole teenager thing), and so are you (your first baby growing up, hygiene issues, that disrespectful attitude and mouth).

I encourage you to get rid of the "meanest mom ever" mindset, even if it's just in your own mind and even if you've never said it aloud. I know you're being sarcastic, but still, replace that with positive thoughts, like you're providing for him, trying hard to be a good mother, and similar thoughts. If you've said that out loud to him, ask if you can talk to him, and apologize for those words. Tell him you said them, but in reality, you love him and you acknowledge that being 13 in a new city and school can be hard, but it's important to maintain a respectful attitude.

Then, I would encourage you to carefully evaluate what clothing standards you both have. What precisely do you mean by "decent clothes"? Do you mean clothes that aren't stained with sweat and that aren't noticeably stench-ridden to even a person four grocery aisles over? Or do you mean a shirt that doesn't have an obscenity on it? Or do you mean a nicely ironed button-down shirt and khaki slacks? Or something that would pass for a school uniform, such as a clean polo shirt and navy slacks? If he's wearing clothing that is stained with cheese sauce, that reeks, that's one thing. If he's wearing clothes that aren't suitable for church but are clean, in good repair, and don't violate any school standards, maybe you need to drop that standard. His hair might not be nicely styled, but is it clean? Or greasy and matted? When you remind him that it's time for a new sweater, is it simply because you've seen the same one three days in a row, or because the old one is making your eyes water with the smell?

If he's dirty, smelly, and not meeting the basic standards for cleanliness, then you may have to put up with it for a bit. Because the lesson will teach itself. To the immature 13 year old boy brain, not showering or wearing laundered clothes sound like the ultimate "bad boy" rebellion. Yeah, they'll show mom who always made them wear clean clothes. "That's not how we roll, mom" Oh, until a girl winces at the smell of them. Then your next problem is that they buy bottles of Axe body spray and deodorant, and your household monthly budget is shot. And the showers last for 1 1/2 hours. And they spend hours getting their perfectly coiffed hair just right. And they get upset if you accidentally brush the tops of their heads. "MOM! I just got the top right. MOM! Now I have to do it again", and you swear you only lightly touched one molecule of one hair strand, as they storm back to the bathroom.

If he's not meeting school dress code standards, you simply tell him you're not giving him permission to go on any field trips. You withhold privileges at home that would ordinarily be granted to someone who is participating in the household chores and taking good care of their property.

And you make sure to stay available to talk and listen. Don't make every conversation about clothes, showering, hygiene. Speak kindly, and if he doesn't open up, that's ok. Stay approachable regardless. It's so easy to make every conversation about the standards. But make your words about his good qualities, about the weather, about the dog, about the upcoming trip and your first teen field trip, etc. Tell him about your nervousness in 8th grade, or a time when you moved, and how you dealt with it. Don't demand an answer. Just share, and let him know you're human, you're trying to be a good mom, you love him, and you love his _______ (skill with video games, basketball prowess, interest in whatever).

I've taught my kids - boys 15 and nearly 17 - how to speak up and make points without being disrespectful or rude. They've never had to snark at me or have eye-rolling fits because I welcome and encourage them to talk even if it is to argue about something. In the end, I'm the boss and they know it, but I listen and take what they say into consideration.

I also take an interest in what they like (or fake an interest and zone out when they talk about Minecraft at dinner) without inserting myself into it. I don't expect them to like everything I like.

On occasion, I will tell one of the other, "You don't need to like this or even directly participate. I just need you to tolerate it so the rest of us can enjoy it." It works really well by recognizing how they think/feel and giving them control over it, while making my own needs clear.

You're concerned about hair and clothes right now, yes? Your son probably doesn't give two snaps about that. My boys hate clothes shopping (me too!) so I only make them go if they absolutely must try something on. Otherwise I buy their sizes and try to get their preferred colors, and they wear it without complaint. When they are adults and have to buy their own clothing, they can look like hobos if they want. In the meantime, I'll just pick up that new hoodie and keep it no-drama.

As for the trip - quit having a battle. You're either going to have to pack for him so you get what you want in his bag, OR let go of control and let him pack what he wants and let the chips fall where they may if he doesn't bring any socks. Big picture, this is small potatoes. He will learn from these minor mistakes. 13 is a good time to make some.

How to know if it's normal or crossing the line ...

I have two teen boys. Of course there was an attitude change when they hit puberty, and some of that is peer driven. They want to test limits, but ours also like knowing there are firm boundaries. I don't care if I'm considered a mean mom. I am also very loving and supportive.

For me, house rules still apply. My husband and I enforce them - as do the other kids. So if someone is out of line, regardless of age, they get reminded that's not acceptable. Now and then we have to get after them for being rude or disrespectful (here it's more little snide remarks made under their breath, etc.). One of mine was yelling WHATTTTTTT if I called his name. Like I was disrupting the most important of things (he was likely playing a game). I just say "Nope - you don't talk to me, or anyone like that".

For me, I let a lot go (pick your battles) but not courtesy or manners. Just general respect of other people - that's when we come down on them if needs be. No talking back. I have one that likes to have the last word. He'll even stomp up the stairs muttering - but he's been asked to leave us until he can be decent.

The clothes - I just buy a bunch and return what doesn't fit (I order a lot). If we drag them to mall or stores, it's painful for one - he hates the process. The other one is really into clothes at the moment, so it may be a phase. He can't pick them up off the floor, but he does recognize that he should be wearing decent stuff. The other one's pants were looking like floods - growth spurt - and he could care less. So some is personality, some age.

Haircuts - same thing - we just book them and take them. Usually if they're getting teased by their friends that their hair is long, they want a cut.

My thought about the seeming upset or bothered - just watch that he's happy at school. One of mine was in a class when his friends were all in the other class - it was a hard year for him. His teacher called to let me know my son seemed sad. It wasn't depression, but it was an opportunity to talk about how it's hard not to be with pals, and we made greater effort to connect with friends outside of school.

Does your son have buds? Has he adjusted to move, to new school? Social ties are key at this stage. So if he can get involved in other activities - that helps. My kids have school buds but also are in sports, etc. and have different sets of friends.

I like B's idea of having him come out of his room - we do that sometimes. I'll say I'm ok with devices, but you have to be in the common house areas - so we can at least see you. Usually we end up just hanging out and it's a good way to connect.

But yes - a lot of this, the moods, the being pissy, the hormones, the awkwardness and seeming like they don't care - is pretty typical. They will test us. It's ok to be firm :)

Sorry but this hasn't been our experience with our son.
Call him on his mean/disrespectful behavior - there's no excuse for it and he needs to learn it's not acceptable.
Having his own room is fine - as long as it's not a video arcade, tv watching den, computer in the room, etc.
His bedroom is for sleeping and he can read there for fun if he wants.
For computer use, tv, games, etc - he needs to be in the family areas of the house.
Our son has raggedy clothes for working in the yard - and not for wearing to school or anywhere else.
When he goes out in public he dresses neatly.
He gripes about haircuts sometimes but he gets awful dandruff if his hair is too long so he gets a brush cut to keep him flake free.
If he doesn't turn around soon, talk to your pediatrician and/or school counselor and get him checked out for depression.

I don't know...it's hard to say. My first born is 13 right now and he does a lot of the things your son does. He just wants to wear comfy clothes...tshirts and hoodies. I don't fight him about it. If it's a special occasion like a piano recital I make him dress up in a button down shirt, but besides that I don't worry about it. We are living in DC right now and we see the school classes that are walking around seeing the sights...they ALL are in tshirts, shorts, hoodies. It's very casual. So don't worry about that. My son NEVER wants to shower or change clothes! We just remind him daily. Some boys are like this...they will outgrow it. Don't stress over that either. I remember this age being very hard and emotional and being filled with a lot of turmoil. My son gets VERY moody at times and can be rude...other times he is super sweet and loving. I remind him he needs to be respectful and give him space when he is in a mood. But I also try to handle him with a lot of empathy...he responds well to empathy. When he snaps out of his bad mood and is in a good mood again then I bring it up and he often will tell me about things that are bothering him at school. I try to spend time doing something he likes to do each week....like have him teach me a video game and we play or have him show me a youtube video he thinks is funny. (In reality I'm not interested in these things, but he really enjoys this and then I get to see what he's into at the moment). Go down to his room and show interest in what he is doing every few days...take some time and let him show you. Compliment him, his video game skills, his taste in music, or his taste in humor. I find this really helps.

He's 13. Let him pack his own bag. Let him choose his own clothes. He's growing and at this stage of development many things are happening at the same time.

It's normal for them to cross lines and test boundaries.

He may also be slightly down about having to move.

My sons were not strong on what they looked like or how they smelled for awhile and then the girls became of great interest and they had to clean up their acts.

Continue to be consistent with him on the standards you hold for your household and the members of it while giving him the freedom to express himself and experience the consequences of his actions.

It's a balancing act but he has much to learn between now and legally an adult. Your role is to teach and encourage him to be his very best. Keep up the hard but good work.

I have a 13 year old son too. He's a great kid but can get moody at times. I correct disrespectful behavior period. No excuses, just not tolerated. I will kindly remind him to rephrase himself because I am confident he's not meaning to sound disrespectful. Usually at that point he realizes whether he's needing to adjust and will self correct. If he doesn't I will then remind him he's on shaky ground and he needs to be careful.

I think this age is difficult because of many reasons. My son is 6 feet tall and looks more manly. He's still a kid and it's hard to keep perspective. Because he's more mature for his age, when he does really act his age, it takes me by surprise. I have to ask myself, is his behavior age appropriate and proceed from there.

I love the love and logic books. The teen one is fabulous. I tell my son I've never been the mother of a 13 year old son but I'm sure with a lot of grace on both sides we will be fine.

Updated

I have a 13 year old son too. He's a great kid but can get moody at times. I correct disrespectful behavior period. No excuses, just not tolerated. I will kindly remind him to rephrase himself because I am confident he's not meaning to sound disrespectful. Usually at that point he realizes whether he's needing to adjust and will self correct. If he doesn't I will then remind him he's on shaky ground and he needs to be careful.

I think this age is difficult because of many reasons. My son is 6 feet tall and looks more manly. He's still a kid and it's hard to keep perspective. Because he's more mature for his age, when he does really act his age, it takes me by surprise. I have to ask myself, is his behavior age appropriate and proceed from there.

I love the love and logic books. The teen one is fabulous. I tell my son I've never been the mother of a 13 year old son but I'm sure with a lot of grace on both sides we will be fine.

Be very calm in your interactions with him. Also, keep things short and sweet.

Don't take stuff personally. Just do what you need to do. If you want him to pack better clothes, just tell him that you want him to take X clothing with him on the trip just in case he needs it.

I'm not there to witness your interactions with him, so I can't tell you if you're being too hard on him or not enough. Ultimately, there's no perfect right or wrong. If you want him to do something, just calmly ask him to please do it.

There's a good chance he will be somewhat combative for a few years, and that's normal. Just calmly tell him what you want him to do, and don't take things personally. He will grow out of it.