Teen Daughter Help Please!!!!

NORMAL!!! Don't be offended by it, it is a phase, unfortunately it's a phase that can last for a few years. If she gets too rude, give her consequences - she shouldn't be allowed to talk back too much -- but other than that just accept that that's what teenagers do in order to begin the process of separating from mom.

My daughter never had it TOO bad, but at 17 she is now past the worst of it, and it's really nice to be able to talk and laugh with her, cuddle with her and occasionally kiss her again for the first time in about 3 years.

She sounds normal to me. Just let her know that she can keep her attitude to herself, or pay the consequences. Everyone deserves respect, including you!

I think you need to let her know you love her but will NOT tolerate her disrespecting you, because that's what she's doing. Sounds like it may be hormonal which my 10 year old is going through.

There is a horrible thing that happens with most teen girls. They absolutely lose their minds and become monsters between 13 and 15 1/2. Usually by the time 16 rolls around they have recovered from the insanity. My best advice is to keep a tight reign on her and don't let her do what all the other kids are doing. Make her earn her freedom and trust. If you have been lax on your discipline all her life it will be very difficult to be strict now. Either way she will hate you for a couple years because as she will also begin to tell you, "it's my life." Be sure to remind her that until she is an 18 it is YOUR life and you are the ONLY one who will never lead her in the wrong direction.
Try not to take all the terrible mean things she will say to you to heart. Remember she is not herself right now, but knows every insecurity of yours and will use them to get her way. Basicly the teen years are the terrible 2s on steroids. Just be strong, vigilant and patient.
Good luck!

It is normal. As long as you do not see signs of serious problems such as drug use, just give her room to find herself and let her know you are there if and when she needs you. If you have not already done so now would be the time to be sure she is well educated on peer pressure issues such as drugs, alcohol, and sex.

It's being a teenager. I acted that way and pretty much every girl I know was this way as well. My neighbor has teen daughters and she's been complaining about the same things. I'm sure you behaved on some level like a teen at some point...maybe your mom just handled it differently or didn't get on you about it. She's hit that age where she wants to be more independent, her hormones are out of control, and she's testing the limits. I remember being a teen and seriously not thinking I had an attitude and my parents would accuse me of copping one and it would just piss me off more because I honestly didn't think I had one.

Anyhow- that said- I wouldn't worry too much unless you think these friends she's spending time with are a bad influence or that she's doing something wrong. Try to cut her a little slack as far as the attitude goes- with my neices and nephews (who are teens) I almost expect a little attitude even though I know they are not meaning to. As far as the making mean comments to you---I would not allow that though. Tell her you can still be in her life, just like her friends, you're just curious why the sudden change. My stepmom was pretty good about making sure I still talked to her, trusted her, and spent time---so we would go get our nails done or have lunch every so often...not so much that I felt smothered...but enough that I still look back and cherish that time I spent with her as a teen.

First, I really don't get how an attitude can be not allowed...I can't control anyone's attitude but my own. I know that if someone tries to control me, my attitude gets worse. Teens don't want anyone to know that they want to be around their parents, especially their friends...but they want their parents to want to be around them. Quit taking it personally...it's not about you. How about taking a different approach? How about being happy for her that she has such great friends that she likes to hang out with? I remember my mother was jealous of my friends when I was a teen...she was jealous of my life...she didn't have much of her own and relied a lot on me for company. I'm not saying that is the case for you...I don't know...but what this did do was cause me to want to be with her even less and I felt burdened by her. Try a smile instead of a face of disapproval. She's 13 so it's not like she can drive and get away from the house, anyway....set up a regular date night with her...something where you can both have fun. She may act like she doesn't want to, but inside she is glad that you do...and if she absolutely doesn't want to, dont' make her. My oldest is a tween...she also likes to be with her friends, texting, sleepovers, rec centers...I spend so much time driving her around...but I'm so happy for her because my parents moved me so much I didn't have many friends and her friend life is so great compared to anything I had at that age. I'm so happy she gets to have this...I think she sees that I'm happy rather than threatened by it all.
She wants to do things with me from time to time...she wants to talk...just little bits of things, but it's not forced and we are both happy together...so far. I just think these moms who are saying not to accept her attitude have it all wrong...I say you accept it, laugh and don't take it personally. She loves you. And of course if she does something that is actually wrong, hand out a fitting consequence. You might check out Love and Logic...it's not the miracle of parenting, but every little bit seems to help. Oh, and maybe you don't think you acted that way when you were a teen because that's not how you intended it to be...it wasn't that way in your mind...maybe that's the same with your daughter...maybe it's not that she is having an atitude but rather trying to act 'cool' and just is bad at doing it!

Explain 13? Life's tough at 13. There are all those media images about the perfect life, the freedom, the fun of being a young adult – but the kid's still stuck at home, with parents who "don't understand" and have all those "stupid" rules. Friends are so much cooler than mom and dad. School can be such a drag. And the world's a dangerous place, and the teen secretly knows it. Hormones are really doing a number on the whole body/mind/emotion thing. Really, it's not easy.

In my own experience, and for many of the most successful young parents I know these days, parenting with compassion plus authority is what works best. Letting your teen know that you care about her experience, respect her, and respect yourself gives a pretty solid grounding for whatever else will come. A teen simply will not respect anyone, even a parent, who does not respect her. She needs to know you're on her team.

Consider investing in a few good books. Google terms like "parenting a teen" or "communicating with a teen" for a big selection. One I particularly like is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. You can read part of this really practical guide to communicating with your kids here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081....

My 16 year old son has had attitude for a year now. We are using the Love and Logic approach to deal with him. see: www.loveandlogic.com
We are listening to Dr. Fay's CD's "hormones and wheels" about teenagers.

When our son starts to have attitude, I don't argue or discuss or anything. I say, with calm voice, "if you want to discuss something, you have to speak with respect and a tone of voice that resembles mine. Until then, the answer is 'no' ." And I slowly walk away.

There are a lot of good tips on his website and in books, but we prefer the CD's. My husband & I have split up the set, and listen to them in the car while driving back and forth to work.

Are you sure you never acted like that? Did you ask your mom? lol

It's definitely a phase, and you just have to realize that you are not her friend you are her parent. You need to let her know that she needs to be respectful when talking to you, but don't go over board. If she receives a lot of attention for this behavior it will just get worse. So even though it bothers you, don't let her know how much it bothers you! I disagree with the door off the hinges, that is extreme and a real invasion of her privacy. She is just trying to assert her independence and is part of her learning how to be her. Sometimes she will just need her space, unless you think she is involved in something destructive.

You also have to remember that hormones are raging as her body is going through all kinds of changes, mood changes are part of it. At 13 emotions are high, and everything is the end of the world, drama drama drama! So you are going to need a lot of patience, but don't worry it will pass!

Good luck!

I'm the oldest of 3 girls and I remember how we all were!

A lot of it is normal. We went through some of it with our daughter (now 15).

Most of the time our daughter's friends were here. She had 1 best friend who practically lived here. The friend started hanging out with some other girls as well. Then the friend started acting like the other girls and doing what they did. My daughter started changing as the friend changed into this little monster.

Well, long story short, they are no longer friends and it is unbelievable at the change my daughter made when that girl moved out of her life. She is more respectful, happier, spending more time hanging out with us, etc. I am not blaming ALL of the problem we had on this friend but I do blame a lot of it on her because my daughter acted differently when she was with that girl and it was negative.

COMMUNICATION is key. Keep the lines open and let your daughter know you are always there for her.

My mother still tells anyone who will listen how awful and mean I was at 13 and how it lasted for years!! She has even said "what goes around comes around" when my own 14 year old can't be human, which is most of the time.
Keep her in check by requiring she eat dinner if possile with the family and any other rules you deem absolutely necessary. I like how one poster said remind her that you are the only one ever that will never lead her astray.
Allow her to have some earned freedoms. She will get over this and be human and one day she will have her own daughter. :o)
Oh and she does need to know that some rules are not to be broken, curfew, who and where she goes with and at what time she calls, She should lose all priviledges if she starts breaking rules.

Well, at 13 I would remind her that she doesn't have a life without you. If that were the case then she would be able to support herself and pull her own weight like an adult. If she wants to insist on a life without you, then make it possible for her. At least a little. Make her do more chores. Clean her own clothes. Make her own lunches for school. If she doesn't make her lunches, then don't give her money to buy some. Make sure she does her chores first before she goes with her friends. This will take up a lot of her time and remind her that she needs to be a little more appreciative. In saying that, she is a teenager, so I'm not sure you will get too far away from her sassyness. Unfortunately they learn from the behavior of other children their age to back talk. They back talk the parents, teachers, or any authority figure. My friend is a substitute teacher and she said that junior high is the worst. They have absolutely no respect. I think the best way to handle this is to make sure she is learning respect at home. If she doesn't respect you, she isn't going to respect anyone else. You are still her parent and you need to make sure you are always in control. Don't let her have the upper hand or that's just a long road down a path you don't want to go. Good Luck. Remember, She doesn't have a life without you. She wouldn't be able to survive the real world. And I certainly don't believe in rewarding bad behavior with new hobbies to distract because then she will think she can get away with whatever she wants. You are not her friend. You are her mother and she won't learn the basic life necessities from anyone else beside the mother, father, or guardian.

Wow, such a mixed bag of responses and I agree with a little of all of them. I have a 19 year old son who NEVER acted like a "teenager." But our 15 year old daughter has and still does to a certain degree.
I agree that I (you) are the mom and it should not be tolerated. But I also pick my battles. I know that I even get a little out of sorts and snip at my husband and kids at times so why should I expect my 15 year old to understand the hormones and emotions of being a teenager when I still don't have them completely figured out at 48?!
She did recently get her panties in a wad over something and stomped off from the dinner table. We (husband and I) didn't care that she was poor dinner company, she was NOT allowed to stomp off and win. She was made to come back and sit at the table, sulking and all. She did come around and ended up not only eating dinner but engaged in meaningful conversation with us.
Is your husband involved at all? I know that some of our daughter and I's locking horns is a mother-daughter thing.
As far as being with her friends, that too is completely normal. Friends and peers are important to teens. But again, there are times when family comes fist, end of discussion! Even at 19 and a "legal adult" or son is required to be at certain family meals/events.
Good Luck and enjoy the ride!

HI M.,

I'm there with Jessica. EVEN if it is a phase, it's a dangerous one and needs to end right now. She obviously is getting this attitude from somewhere and you need to find out where and take that away, whether it be TV, friends or the computer....Continue to talk to her kindly but with tough love. She doesn't know it now, but you love her AND will love her more than any of her friends ever could! Try to communicate that. If Dad can help, let him!

God bless,

M.

I was homeschooled and didn't go through anything like that. Don't write it off as a phase. It's not a phase. I don't know how to fix it because me and my friends didn't go through it. We loved and respected out parents, but then our parents also were very strict. If we mouthed off or were disrespectful we would have been grounded or lost privileges. Don't be afraid to be tough. When she's grown she will see the wisdom in it.

Sounds like an attitude to me. Going and being with friends is a privilege and if she is treating you this way, I would curtail her going out with or going to friends houses and hanging with them. My children have to treat me with respect or they don't get to be with friends or have privleges. You are your daughters mother and not her friend, she needs to respect you for that.
Blessings,
D.

Ugh. 13. I don't have a 13 year old girl but I remember being O.!
A few things come to mind:
First, I guess it's normal for a 13 yo girl to have the "I know it all and everyone else is an idiot" feeling.
Secondly, She is only 13 and she needs to follow rules AND consequences that YOU set! Back talk? Consequence! Smart answer? Consequence!
Thirdly, because this seems to have started recently AND suddenly, I would make sure (by any means you need to use) that there is no drug or alcohol use involved. It's just that sometimes a sudden attitude change can be a red flag for that.
Good luck (I wouldn't ever want to be 13 again!).

This is probably not much help, but my aunt used to say that the reason teenagers are obnoxious is so that when it is time for them to leave home you are ready (anxious) to let them go. Part of it is probably hormones and part is starting to separate from her little girl status. I know it is hard but you do need to be her mother and not her friend. Set limits including being respectful to you and stick to them. Do pick your battles carefully. Some things do need to be overlooked in the grand scheme of things.

Normal, but there will be times it is worse than others.. Track her periods and you will probably find a pattern. Her mind is racing in a lot of different ways.

Is she about to be a freshman in high school? There is a huge adjustment. She will once again be low man on the totem pole so she could be worried about that. Also her grades will now really count and I bet at school they are signing up for classes and talking about taking school more seriously.

That being said, you need to remind her that her tone is not appreciated. If she wants to be treated like a mature teen she needs to act and speak like one. No eye rolling and no slamming doors. Remind her that her cell phone, TV and social life depend on her continued good behavior and attitude.

What is really interesting is that she will be like this and another moment a puddle crying, so just be prepared. I used to tell our daughter, "maybe you need a break." "Why don;t you go have some quiet time in your room. I will bring you some tea." And then I would make up a little tea tray with a little treat and leave it for her in her room. She just needed to find some coping skills. .

Carl Pickard says this is Gods way of helping you let her leave for college when she graduates. You will be ready to close the door behind her.. Hee, hee,,

I am sending you strength. It does not have to be bad, as long as she knows she is free to tell you anything and you will not freak out. Try to remember what you feel like with PMS x 100....

While teens at that age want more time with their friends it helps to know who the friends are and their parents. Do they have the same values you do? It's a rough time. Teens act like kids and want to be treated like adults but when you give them adult responsibilities they don't want it. Basically, they don't know what they want or need. As for saying you're jealous, do you have a life that's all your own or is it all about her? If so, you need to have your own life. If not, then she just wants to push your buttons. Girls can talk forever. Don't get into the habit of 'yes, you do; no I don't.' Walk away. This, too, shall pass. Once the hormones settle a bit it will get better.

One of me very good friends take her daughter door off the hinges when her attitude shows up, grades go down, general teenaged naughtiness. She may not realize what she is doing or how she sounds. You can talk to her in the same tone of voice as she does you and see how she likes it.

Ah, 13 the worst year in most everyone's life. (My daughter says the week she turned thirteen was the worst in her life and that it was all her fault...she said I should share that) It gradually has worn off and she has become the beautiful person she always had been. The answer to your question is yes, it is a phase, and yes it could be more. Feelings and relationships around this time are often made crazy with all the physical and mental changes going on within the child.
Don't be afraid to confront bad behavior towards you; at the same time don't forget to be compassionate, caring and tuned in to your daughter. My daughter says: "Give her a hug, even if she slaps you."
I say its ok to give space but also apply consequences to bad behavior if she's earned it. Let her know that rudeness towards you is not acceptable.

It's ok to let your daughter have some time with friends, and has space to think, but make sure you that you still insist that she spend time with you. You are still mom... Ironically at this age your daughter's friends may like you more than your daughter likes you right now. Try including them in some activities...go shopping, have them over for movies and popcorn, cooking lessons. Whatever you think would reach them. Make sure you have tough skin (just in case). The teenage girl can be scathing when she wants to, but keep in mind that the road is long and its a journey worth taking. (Could this be part of helping us want them out of the house eventually?) Just remember, 14 is better, 15 is even better. They do become human again...

M.,
Some of it could be normal. But there are several things that could be going on. I don't know why some women think they have to put up with PMS. We don't and if you are interested, I can advise you on that.
Another thing is that drugs are rampant in schools. The kids are brainwashed into thinking smoking weed and drinking recreationally is not harmful. Does she have a facebook or myspace account? If so, she what she is posting there. The same with texts. If you find things that concern you take further steps.
I have found out recently that some parents let the kids drink at their homes. So make sure you know where she is and what the other parents who are supposed to be doing the supervision are like.
Hopefully, for you this is just a phase she is going through.
Victoria

I am a single parent (with lots of help from my sister) and I have thirteen year old son -- so I am going to be somewhat general in my suggestion. When he answers my questions like I am an idiot, I remind him of his tone and that there is no reason to behave like I am intruding. I don't think it's ever a good idea to try being a best friend when children are still children (as opposed to over 21), but I do think it's important to be friends to the point of getting them to talk openly with you. Since your daughter says she has a life without you why not try doing something together that she likes or that neither of you has done before so that she won't feel you are trying to upstage her. Try a jewelry making class or ceramics something allows you to create a lasting memory and yet won't distract you from talking to her at the same time. Hope this helps.

Haha! It's a phase. She'll grow out of it about 17. Sorry. Don't put up w/ rudeness but you have to let a little attitude slide or you will constantly be at each other's throats. Good luck.
(Mom of three teens: a boy who is now 18 and really a lovely person. You would never have thought it possible if you knew him in middle school. And two girls- both maddeningly stubborn and absolutely delightful. Depending on the day...or time...)

M. welcome to the world of teenage daughters!! I have 2 and BOTH of them at age 13 did the same thing. We were so close and then overnight it changed. The first time I went through it it about killed me. I had no idea what happened. BUT it is normal and they do grow out of it in a few years. Just don't let her walk all over you-stand your ground. YOU'RE the mom!!