Teen: Letting Go or Not?

There is a great book called Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self Indulgent World by Glenn and Nelson. It is filled with awesome principles to help kids and parents get through this hard stage and win. He is blessed to have you!

I'm going through the same thing now and I've noticed with my son (also a straight A student and in GT etc) that when I gave him a little leeway, he did things on his own. A couple of times he got an F here and there and he hated that! I could have rescued him but I chose not to and it worked. He learned from it and corrected it himself. I also used to have to wake him up every morning but when I decided to let him get himself up, he did it and did it well (a lot of times he's up before me, showered and dressed!)
I would offer him some incentives though to bring up his grades and add some additional consequences for bad grades.
I would definitely also keep talking to him. Communication is so important! It's funny because I was a good, straight A student too. I did a lot of AWFUL things my mother never knew about until years later (like in my 20s and 30s I didn't fess up to) because she was pretty heavy handed and strict and it was easier to lie to her than to face her consequences. It didn't stop me from doing anything, if anything, I think it made me rebellious, so being overtly strict, in my experience, was a bad thing. She pushed me about my grades (until she realized how bad it was getting) and more. Communication, communication, communication. Seems to me that all of us that got into trouble more, were dealing with overtly strict parents.
My mother lightened up on me when I got into my 16th year and wouldn't you know it, my behavior actually improved :)

I always told my daughter, "I can't let go (or quit) because I love you too much". She didn't like it so much, but understands it today at age 25. I find myself telling the two year old the same. When I hover and she wants to be left alone, I tell her no I will never leave you alone. Just let the mommy instincts kick in and do what you have to.

Hi S.,
You have gotten some wonderful advice. I would like to add one tidbit that I learned from a woman who had been leading womens' and mens' circles for 30+ years and had some amazing insights. She told the women in the circle with sons that once a boy turns around twelve, it is imperative that you do not face him when you want to have an open conversation. Instead, sitting next to him would get much better results (in fact- she recommended it for couples too). I don't want to botch up her explanation as to why. I watched all the moms report back a wonderful shift in their relationships when they did that, so I am keeping it in my memory for 11 years down the road when my son is that age. Maybe something to try when you talk to your son.
S.

I think you should let go to a certain degree. You should make sure that he's not doing anything serious such as drugs or alcohol or having children with a lot of different women but you should let him experience life on his own. I know as a parent its hard to watch your child go through things but the best teacher is life. You can't stop him from making mistakes, I've never seen a parent stop their kids from making their own choices, I don't think it's possible but you child is growing up and has an opinion and sometimes will want to do things that you don't think he should be doing but he has to know for himself if things are good for him or not otherwise he'll grow up and have a protected lifestyle or be upset at you for not allowing him to experience life and that may in turn cause him to go down the wrong path.

I don't think missing assignments or a few field trips is as imperative as you think it is. Most of my peers, as unfortunate as it is, missed a lot of critical things in school and they either learned to get it together or they got stuck in that negative cycle but it's not up to you to live his life, he has to learn on his own. I think because he is still under your roof, you have some control but hovering will only turn him off.

S.~

I have a 15 y.o. boy and went through the same thing this year (his first in High School). It was really hard to keep up on everything, but when he started slipping I remained in weekly contact with all of his teachers. Any that didn't cooperate at first was reported to the principal and things went more smoothly. I told my son in a straight forward way that he is not an adult and my job as a parent is to be sure that he becomes a productive, respectable adult and that I do not take that job lightly. When he shows me that he's responsible to keep his grades at the level he is capable of (without being stuck at home constantly studying, then he will gradually be allowed more freedom and given more responsabilities. This includes things like a cell phone, going out with friends, staying after school to hang with friends and go to sporting events, etc. I reminded him that none of the above mentioned things were his "right" to do, they are a privilege give to those who earn it. He resisted for a couple of months and things got worse before they got better, but he then realized that he wasn't going to change my mind with what he was doing and when he started improving, the change was amazing and quick and as promised he began getting more freedom and his phone back etc. I explained to him that freedom will always be limited until he moves out on his own, but some things are negotiable and he should talk to me in a mature and thought out manner and he just might get what he wants. His ending report card was 4 A's and 2 B's up from 1 A, 3 B's, 1 C and 1 D. All mostly due to missing assignments because he aced almost every test.

Of course you want your kids to learn to depend on themselves and make some mistakes, but their grades can be a huge factor in their future education, allow kids to make their own mistakes when it comes to chores or what sports they participate in, not this. As parents it is our job to help them when they are not mature enough to do it on their own and at 14 most kids aren't ready for that. Learning consequences are just as effective when you are there to hand out punishment at home. My own mom was never that involved in my school work, but I was an A student that was so competitive that she didn't have to worry about me slipping up, but my younger brother barely graduated and still barely gets through life.

Good luck!!

Wow, so much to say on this subject, but will try to keep it short.

First off, I would NEVER let my child DEMAND anything. They may voice their opinions vigorously, in a respectful manner, but shouting, slamming doors, telling me not to worry about it, or eye rolling, was NOT, I repeat NOT, acceptable...not that they never did it, but it was rare, 'cause they knew the consequences.

Secondly, every child/parent relationship is different. So I don't think anyone can give you the exact recipe for success. However, I'll give you my opinion from my own experience.

Thirdly, yes, there should be consequences to their behavior, but that consequence should never be a parent giving up on them...keep hoving (within reason). To me that means: Where are you going?, Who will you be with?, What's on the agenda/plan? What time will you be home? Non-acceptable answers: Nothing. Just hangin out. Don't know.

Don't imply that you don't trust them...even if they are up to something (this is where consequence comes in). These are just matter of fact questions that every parent has a right to know. If you have any doubt about them going...you just say no. "Because I said so." To my way of thinking, I don't feel you owe your children an explanation for everything. That's the beauty of parenthood...you're in charge.

Children will inevitably stray and make mistakes, but will eventually remember what they were taught. Be tough in the forefront, but somewhat understanding when it comes time to suffer the consequences. You can assist them in cleaning up, but never do it for them. Bottom line...You don't want to say later, maybe I should have tried a little harder.

I can happily say, my children have made it to adulthood. The rebellious one has even written, thanking me for being so tough.

You will, in the long run, have a better relationship with your child when they get older and realize how much you must love them for trying so hard..even at the risk of them "hating" you forever.

One last thing, I hope you don't give in because of guilt from the divorce. Even if you do feel bad about it don't let them use that against you...for anything.

Tough love. Good luck.

S.,
I know exactly how you feel. I am experiencing the whole 14 yr old thing, but with my daughter and over different issues, but same feeling of do I continue to meddle or let her make her own path? My worry has thus far been, do I push certain issues or do I let her find these things out on her own by making her own mistakes. I do think that kids at this age do have to find out certain things the hard way to learn for themselves and then there are other things that we insist that they buck up about. I think that when it comes to school academics that you must insist that he strives for A's and achieves them because you know he is capable. Missing essential field trips for what reason? School is an area that is a battle you should fight! There are other areas to give a little independence when it makes sense. Let's say you insist on the straight A's and field trip attendance and as a reward for such responsible behavior you let him have his guy friends over more often for guy time or let him and his friends have an outing at the mall for certain period of time unsupervised while you are at the other end of the mall shopping for some things you need. If we give our kids a little independence and trust because they earned it, than it is a win win situation. They have learned that when I am good and perform when it is important then Mom rewards me with activities that help me to feel like I am being treated like I am growing up!
Sometimes as parents we do worry about the rebellion factor because when it comes to certain things we can expect too much, maybe even perfection, and kids will act out in areas that we can not control, like eating or who they choose to like romantically or the way they do their hair etc. We have to give them a little room to grow up in healthy ways. It is so tough and I am having such a hard time letting go of my daughter, but we are continuously talking about the reasons why I insist on what I insist on. I give reasons for everything I insist on, and she doesn't always agree, but in the end I have gotta be her mom. I have to raise a healthy, wonderful, well balanced young woman. Balance is important for their young lives. Sometimes we run the risk uf losing their friendship for a time but they must know that we love them and have to protect them and in the long run they will thank us for it. You must be assertive this way, because the world we are raising our kids in is different and more scary than it was when we were growing up! Kids really do want boundaries. They subconsciously respect us for it. Good luck. I know it must be so hard raising your kids on your own. I hope this helps! I am working my way through this with my husband and friends advice and it is so complicated. Bottom line is we do have to love them where they are at and guide them to be as responsible as they can be!

You should definitely talk to your son. Find out what's going on (change in friends he's keeping, a girl friend, personality clashes with teacher, etc.) Let him know you are concerned and lay out the consequences he will face if this continues.
But, you can't force him to cooperate because it will make him rebell and withdraw from you even more. All you can do is guide him, praise him, correct him, and most of all, LOVE him!
I don't know if you are a religious person, but I am. With that said - you need to seek help from Jesus Christ by praying to him to help your son, and to give you the courage and the strength to endure during this challinging time in your son's life. As with other challenges, this too, will pass.

Don't let go. They want you to let go ao they can do what they want. If you don't let go it shows them that you care. My son was on his last year of high school. He did'nt want to go but I made him. I had to spray him with water with a spray bottle if he did'nt get up by the third try. I had to work and I had to make sure he was up and ready. But the night he graduated he told me that if it were'nt for me he would'nt of never finished and gave me the most beutiful card, and thank me and it brought me to tears. So please, please don't give up. Get a hold of him see why he slipping in work and try to get on top of it. Teen Agers have so much to get into now. It's harder on them then it was for me in 1975. And it is worse every year. Take what he likes best and sometimes it will work. But please give it your all please don't give up. Marilyn

Make a straightforward agreement - if his schoolwork and his attitude stay at an acceptable level, you'll back off. If his grades slip or his attitude becomes surly, tell him those are signs that he's not mature or responsible enough to have you back off, and you will be very hands-on in his life.

Remember, no matter how bright he is, he's not an adult yet!

That said, find areas where you're willing to let go a bit - for instance, letting him choose his clothes and hairstyle. (My rule with my kids was that it had to pass my health and morality sensors - no dirty anything, no flip flops in winter, no crude sayings, and so on. If it met health and morality standards, it didn't matter if I hated it, thought it clashed, thought it was too casual or whatever. If it didn't pass my screening, no second chances, the item was gone.) If he decides he wants to change his interests, and, say, go from playing baseball to computer games, or from debate to skateboarding, OK, as long as the grades and attitude are acceptable. He needs some wiggle room to figure out what he wants and needs out of life.

You know he's capable of getting the grades--stay on him! Every privilege from watching t.v. to iPods to computer time to gaming is up for negotiation. He doesn't keep his grades up--no way does he get to participate. Or go out with friends. My mom sort of "moved in" on me during that age---and it made me furious--but it kept me out of a lot of trouble. And everything in his room except a bed and clothes and homework is negotiable too. Act correctly, you get your stuff. Not---no non-essentials at all! (take them away 1 at a time, of course.... and keep them no longer than a week--he'll stop missing them after prolonged periods of time and that's your collateral--so you don't want that.)

Hi S., you never never allow a child to demand anything, much less agree with it, you just gave him power that God never intended a child to have. You set the rules for your household, as our kids grow we have to let go of them a tiny bit at a time, and i got to tell you it isn't easy for us moms, at 14 you dod need to give him some freedoms, but it all depends on where he is going and who is he going with, when my sons and young teens/teens would go and do things, they were with the kids from the teen ministry at church, so we really disdn't have to many worries, for the most part there was a teen leader with them, like in their 20's, our rule was if while you are out, and your plans change just call home and let us know, our daughter who is now 19 all of her outings to movies and malls and starbucks, was with the band and colorguard from school, great bunch of kids, they were like a family, so we made sure our kids had actual activities, not just hanging out, that sometimes leads to trouble, give him a little freedom see how he does, and go from there, and all though you don't want to hover over him, do not allow him to make demands. J.

Definitely, without a doubt, let your son face the consequences of his own actions. You're lucky he's only 14 and hopefully will learn from his own mistakes. Let him feel "screwing up". He won't like the feeling--do you? We can't make life painless for our children. If we did we would not be loving them either.Why? Because it's called "letting go". As a parent of a child (now grown) I didn't know this and I did everything I could to prevent her "falls." Who knows maybe another kid would have been ok with this kind of mothering. Mine didn't and has not been able to be in functional reality as an adult. She wants "instant gratification", doesn't have a great work ethic, and issues that most likely made junior high something she wanted to walk away from and take the easy way out! Also, I am a middle school teacher and I taught 14 year olds for over 10 years. Your son is smart and tougher than you are giving him credit for. Let him do his own work. He won't disappoint you in the long run, but make sure he knows what a boundary is and that he has structure and rules in his life that he does respect. Expectations of him will always be there; he must learn now how to meet or exceed them. Good luck. Love him, hug him, and let him know you believe in his intelligence to get "his" job accomplished. I hope this helps a little.

I think your instincts are telling you what to do. You need to let this straight A boy fly on his own now, mom! Tell him you recognize he's a good student, you've been hovering too much and you won't do it again because YOU TRUST HIM!! (Those words are so empowering to a child or teen!) Then close your eyes, back off and let him go!! He may experience a slight (or more) dip in his grades. That's okay. Don't over-react to any occasional missed assignment or even a drop from A's to B's. If this happens, let him know this is a good report card, you're pleased, AND you know he's capable of even better, and as such, C's are not acceptable unless he's struggling, tutors, etc. (You may know that will never happen, but it's always good to cover all bases!) Then, take him out to dinner to celebrate his report card and don't say another word. If he does drop to C's, then you put him on progress reports (middle school and high school teachers know what those are--weekly reports from the teachers) and give him privileges/consequences based on the reports. But that will probably never happen!! Good luck!

Please read the book Raising Children Who Think for Themselves by Elisa Medhus, M.D. She lists great ideas on how to guide our children to become internally directed so that you are able to stop hovering over your son with confidence that he will make the right choices for himself. She also lists a three-level discipline philosophy for teens to help us give our teens structure in a respectful manner to avoid them becoming resentful towards us as parents. I am also a single mom. My son is 11 years old and so far so good. Take care and good luck.

Let him learn about consequenses!! He may be going downhill because you are hovering. He is going to ba an adult a lot longer than a child and the sooner he learns the better.

Ben Franklin was an Ambassador to England at the age of 15. Let your child grow up as much as he can.

Hi S.,

As the mom of a 14 year old son, and a high school teacher of 15 years, here are my thoughts...

If your son wants you to stop hovering, then he must adhere to certain academic and social rules that you set. It's all about responsibility and if his grades dipped when you stopped hovering, then that just shows you that he didn't handle freedom very well. Once he re-earns the grades, then he can try again to show you he's responsible enough to maintain your standards without your constant supervision.

It's tough going, though. My son, also a great student who wants more freedom, has learned to maintain his grades without me, but has a terrible time being responsible about chores, particularly when my husband and I leave him home alone. Since it's summertime, my son's freedom is tied to effectively handling his chores.

I've found the "Love and Logic" approach and Stephen Covey's "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" to be the most helpful, if you're in to books at all. The "Love and Logic" approach ("Parenting with Love and Logic" and "Teaching with Love and Logic") gives you the how to's, where Covey gives you the broader philosophy.

Just remember that rebellion is the nature of the teenage beast. Don't accept that as an excuse; it's more of a factoid to keep in mind during the heat of the moment. If you've given your son the guidelines and the tools to show you he needs less hovering, and he blows it, the responsibility is his, not yours. You're just teaching him how to earn and maintain healthy freedom.

Good luck.

Hi S.,

I understand what you are going through, not just as a parent, but because I used to be one of the "smart kids" at school. I had top grades in high school until the middle of my junior year. During that year, I made some friends that were a very bad influence & my priorities shifted in a negative way. A drop in grades is usually a good indicator that something is not right. Trust your instincts, mom.

Looking back on my situation as a mature adult, I wish that my mom had enforced more boundaries in my life. My mom was also a single parent, and she worked nights. My dad was not really involved in my life. My mom did the best she could in a hard situation, but I had way too much freedom - bottom line. There were definitely consequences for my actions, but if someone had stepped in sooner, it may have saved me from a lot of grief and heartache.

Teenagers are at that crossroads between childhood and adulthood. They want all of the freedom that adults have, but don't have the maturity (most of the time) to make the right choices without a parent's guidance. Too many parents today want to be a friend to their children. Kids have enough friends - they need us to be parents. I applaud you for your willingness to be a parent.

It's possible, though, that your son is a little burnt out and just needs a break. Keeping straight A's is very difficult, and the pressure that kids face to be #1 is unbelievable now. With summer here, your son will get some much needed R&R. Hopefully, with this you will see a change in his attitude.

Whenever my son needs correction, I always tell him that I love him too much to allow him to misbehave, and that it is my job as his mom to teach him right from wrong so that he can grow up to be a moral and ethical man. Your son will probably resent all that you do to try and keep him on the "straight and narrow" right now...in fact, I'm sure he will. That is part of being a teenager. Stay strong and know that he will be a better man for it, and will appreciate it when he is an adult - really! :)

My thoughts and prayers will be with your family.

Jen

Hi S..
I think it depends on your or his definition of "hoving".
I dont have teenagers, but I was one once. And I do remember that at this age, children are trying to practice some independence.
Your son is a straight A student. That is something to be proud of. He is a bright boy. But missing assignments is unexeptable. If that continues, he wont be straight A's for long.
As parents, it is our job to teach our children to be respectful, responsible, and to know that there are consequences to bad behavior.
Without knowing much information , I would say 'pick your battles' There are somethings to "hover" over him about, and some things to give a bit of freedom. If it is regarding completing assignments for school, I say HOVER!! And fun activities , and spending time with friends are put on hold until all work is caught up. If he wants to rebell, he can do that all he wants - in his bedroom.
Best of Luck to you.
Heidi

I've been through the same thing as well. My first question is what are his friends like? If they are people whose character you aren't too sure about, I would make sure you stay on top of the situation. Even the brightest of kids can let it all go to pot simply because that's what their friends are doing. Second, keep an open line of communication with him. If you are going to let him do his own thing, that's fine, but he still needs to be able to let you know how he's doing and what's going on in his life. Then I would talk to him about yes, I will let you do your own thing, but only up to a certain point, and if I see you falling down, I'll need to step in and WE will need to figure out what to do, and then do that. Last, I like the suggestion about going to a local college, maybe one that he is interested in already, and going on a tour. My son, who is very similar to yours, really started to pick up his work once he realized his grades might not be good enough to get him into the college of his choice. There's always something that will motivate them, so that even if you're not "hovering" if you find that carrot to dangle in front of him, whether it be college or drivers license or whatever, he can be motivated to do better on his own.

Dear S.,
DON'T let go! NOW is the time to not only continue your involvement in his life, but double your efforts! This is the classic sign he may be trying to hide something he knows you will disapprove of. There is a lot of good info on this site:
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/
from the child psychologist, Dr. Dobson and Focus on the Family.
Please don't stop engaging your son with love and communication. You may be saving him from falling into the pit!
I liken the teen years to a toddler's entrance into childhood after being an infant. Suddenly their little bodies can do all sorts of things they couldn't before. And they think they can DO everything - and they can, physically. Run out into the street, climb up high - and it is up up to us to keep them from Danger. that's why we are so exhausted protecting them all day. So it is with teens. THEY are on the brink of ADULTHOOD and feel their bodies capable of everything. But their wisdom is not developed and they do not see the dangers, so we MUST help them from accidently killing themselves in some stupid way. Because of their ignorance of the dangerous territory they have just entered, they need a guide, and they will resent it at times! One of Dr. Dobson's great analogies is like having your child on a long rope. You explain to them that you are going to 'give them some rope' - just a little more freedom, to see how they handle it. If they do well, you give them some more rope. If you suspect they are not doing well (poor grades, bleary eyes, bad friends, etc - your own good instincts will tell you), then you pull in the rope as it were, and take back some of the freedom. Explain to them that ONE DAY (when they are an adult) you will be handing over the ENTIRE ROPE - and it will be COMPLETELY their responsibility to take care of their own safety and provision. But until that day, they must prove to you they can handle the little rope you give them, and understand you are pulling it back now and then for their GOOD. If he is a smart boy, I'm sure he will appreciate that you care. Underneath all their protests, kids feel more secure when they know that there is someone who will stop them from entering into dangerous and tempting territory. You may even want to show him this email, explaining that you were so worried you cried out for help from others in your love for him.
Bless you. I certainly feel for you since I went through it 7 times with my kids!
God GIVE you STRENGTH for the journey!
R.

Hi S.,

At 14 it's a fine line. He needs to learn that actions have natural consequences but you also need to make sure he's not getting in with the wrong crowd. You could use positive reinforcement by giving him rewards (like money) for good grades, etc. Also, when he's a little older, car privileges are a valuable tool for you. I agree with you that if you hover he will rebel, which is age appropriate too. Thus, don't monitor closely, let consequences happen, but watch the overall picture. Also, you can ask him what he thinks would help him keep the grades up.

V.

I would tell him that, if he wants you to not hover, he has to keep up academically, and if not you will hover. But I wouldn't "force" him to do anything, just make him very aware that you are paying attention. Otherwise, make sure he feels the full consequences of any behavior- don't be tempted to rescue him. But giving him freedom a little bit at a time (that he has earned) he will become a more responsible young adult.

Smart kids get bored easily...while the teachers are trying to deal with the other ones. The smart ones are the ones that get into trouble more eaily because they are bored. Keep him busy with things he likes to do - or try something new, like martial arts - especially that this age when the testosterone statrs to really show up! Martial arts is all about discipline and it boosts their self esteem. Maybe encourage him to tutor for money?

If you let out the leash a little and tell him that his behavior needs to improve, but that you are taking the first step in taking his word that it will improve. He probably will try to impress you more, since you are the one taking the first step.

My parents told me that they let the leash out little by little and most of the time it was fine, but there were times that I ran with the little bit of freedom and they yanked it back. It's a fine balance.

I'm going to suggest something crazy: give him some positive one-on-one attention. If he's always been a good student and he's thinking about college someday, consider taking a day off from work and school to visit a local college--the energy and fun of a campus will often help high school students refocus and think beyond tomorrow. In fact I'd suggest visiting a school that's maybe a half-hour away so you have some quality talking time in the car...I've had the best luck with being side-by-side for conversations rather than sitting opposite teens. You can have lunch together and it can be a day you'll both remember--at the right moment tell him that you're concerned about him and his future, you care about him, you know that this is hard, and if you seem strict sometimes, it's because you want him to be successful and happy...Make an appointment for a tour, find out if some students at the school will help show you around (some schools even keep a list of interests, so that if your son is into sports, a student-athlete can show you around, or someone with a major similar to his interests). I think a mother-son day might just do the trick. And if you do have a great day together thinking about his future, then when you come back, if he slips up, you can remind him, "But what about what we talked about?" It should be all he needs to stay on course. Or, if you do have to buckle down at that point, he'll remember first and foremost that you care about him and want him to do well. Visiting the college will make all of the grades and other requirements clear--and you don't have to say it--the admissions officer will. I've taught high school students for nearly a decade and I think 14 is a little young for a "sink or swim" approach--he's in a transitional time when his peers are testing their parents and boundaries and he needs a good reason to remember that his mom is on his side. Then, if his attitude still doesn't improve, you can offer him a choice between doing better in school (and respecting your decisions, etc.) and the various losses of privilege other moms here have recommended. I wish you luck.

Now that you are divorced you must take more of a strong arm with him. The only influence you are guaranteed is for the next 4 years. I'm sure you want to have a responsible young man out there in the world. Demand that he do his job (school & chores) but you can't "force him". Just pay appropriate consequences (losing video games, phone, sports, etc). Teens are by nature rebellious. He may be acting out because of the divorce. He will get over it with your loving care which includes a little hovering. Take care, be strong!

Hi S., this reminds me of the stories my husband told me about when he was 14....I would suggest a heart to heart conversation with him. Find understanding, he might have crappy teachers or is just over all the pressure and wants to have some fun! Just go with what he tells you his needs are, My husband rebelled like crazy and was a straight A student at one time as well, give him options for creative outlets. Show him something new introduce him to some cool people, He is wise as are you, trust your relationship and don't worry about the letters his teachers give him. That was all my mopther cared about so that is what i gave her, cheated the whole way. get to know your son. He is still your baby, your creation. continue on creating and supporting him in whatever it is his heart desires. And remember in the end Love is all that matters...

Enjoy !

Mine is only 4, i can't wait for this to happen! You are blessed.

I see you have received some really good advice. The one thing i believe that was taken for grantied was TALKING. Talk to him and even if he ignores you he hears you. Give him limits and a time table to his freedom. His grades are very important if he wants to go to college. He does have to make his own mistakes so allow that for a short period of time. Discuss whats acceptable to his freedom and what is not. Limits. Be very watchful and involved even if he doesn't know it. Above all let him know you love him. trust and freedom is earned and proven. Good Luck.

I'm not a parent of a teenage boy but have two teenage girls 17 soon to be 18 and 12 soon to be 13 (along with a 1 and 2 year old).

What I have learned is that you must give your teenager a little leeway one bit at a time, in order to gain your trust. They will make mistakes, as we are not perfect, but it's a good learning experience for them. There must also be ideal consequences, as they say, the time must fit the crime. We take away after school and weekend privalages, computer, cell phone. Chores must be completed before they request fun time away from parents. The rule is where, when, what time, and with whom. It also helps to know your teenager's friends before allowing one on one time. Invite them over for dinner, etc... Also, best to know the parents too, in case any issues need resolving.

Open communication, understanding, and patience is our key role. Start asking questions and offer information about girls, sex, drugs, etc...

Best of luck, it seems like you have a great boy on your hands that cares about his education, but friendships and learning to be more independent is also important. Don't be afraid to let go a little at a time and always bless him out the door.

We have had the same problem. We ended up having our son sign a contract that basically said, get a 3.0 and have your freedom. If at any time his grades fall below, all distractions are taken away. That includes his cell phone, computer, tv, etc.....Right now freedom and friends are so important to the boys that if they truly want to be able to run around, they have to be mature enough to handle the consequences. Hope this helps!!

Dear S.,

I am in the same boat. My daughter is 14 & was always an easy A student. I went to school & embarrassed her on more than one occasion so to WAKE her up. Long story short, she is going to do what SHE wants not what I want. She has shown me that. I don't see any other way than to let her make her own mistakes. However, there are consequences to her actions from my part. She has lied to me about assignments & projects, and she has to deal with the punishment there. My husband & I have never demanded A's from her, but she would be getting them if she did her work. In essence, I commiserate with you, & share the agony of it all. Unfortunately, if you don't let him make his own mistakes, he will make bigger ones more than likely. If you find something that helps better - let me know! Good luck & God Bless!

Hi S.,

One of his natural conseuesnces should be if his grades aren't up no learners permit, drivers' ed class, or or drivers license. This is how I controlled all 4 of my boys.

Good Luck ~ F.

This is a hard one because what works with one won't neccessarily work for another.

It's one thing to let him be, if he's being a good kid and keeping up the grades. But as you said he is slipping therefore that's when you should step in and start hovering because that's your job. Watch who he is hanging out with. I will tell you this: the more my mother complained and told me how bad my friends where the more I chose them over her. So try to find out what he likes about these friends, as a parent tell him the things you like about them and the things your not to fond of. And simply remind him that it's changing him, that you will always love him no matter what, but you see so much more for him and his friends are only seeing the here and now. Let him know what you miss about the old him. And let him know that even though you know he's going to do what he want's, you'll be there if he needs you, any hour of the night, if he finds himself in a place he doesn't want to be or is no longer comfortable you'll be there to pick him up or listen. Tell him to set his boundries to how far he himself is willing to go and don't let anyone try to talk you into more. Stick to what your gut says is far enough, because when trouble hits most likely it will hit him not his friends, (the situation of: I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, and I got caught with the bad guy).This way he knows he can count on you and when that time comes he needs to be able to say I'm done.

I liked my friend because she was cute, guys liked her, she was outgoing and I was shy. So hanging with her made me bolder and not so shy. One time we went to a party on private property, had a bon fire, I tryed beer that night, the cops radded the party, she had gone in to the trees to make-out I stayed by the fire and got caught. The first time before the judge was not fun. But I did get off with a fine for trespassing. Next time, we were at a department store and she toke some music tapes (80's) I told her to put them back she wouldn't, they were waiting at the door for us. 2nd afense for me, even though I wasn't the one stilling. That's when the judge said to me, how important is this "friend" because this is twice you have to pay for so called being in the wrong place at the wrong time. This opened my eyes because she got off for steeling with a writen report of why this was wrong. She wouldn't pay half of mine, it was (that's your fault you got caught you should have ran from the cops). This opened my eyes to what my friend was willing to do to me. I'd be behind bars and she would be laughing that she was "lucky" enough to not get caught even though she was the one doing the bad things.
Good luck! I hope you can open his eyes to see that friends are just friends they say they care but they only care that there is someone to be with them when they go down. My friend is not married, has 3 kids all from diffrent fathers. I haven't talked to her in years, I moved to California to be a nanny to get away from my "friends" and she ended up getting my number from my youngest sister. When I left I told my mom that I didn't want her to give my # to anyone I had already given my # to those people that I wanted to call me. If someone called wanting my number simply take their # and call me, I'll decide if I want to call them back. This is the only way I could change my life, to change where I lived and start again with better friends.

Sending him away to live won't help, he will find the same friends their. It needs to be him who wants to change or it won't work. I live in the New Eastvale area of Corona/Norco CA. Many people came to live their because they wanted their kids to be away from the gangs, They wanted their kids to have the chance to be diffrent. Guess what, all they did was bring their gangster kids to a new town to start a new gang. My daughter started at Norco High School where you have the country cowboys/horse people and the gangster groups. When they finished our new high school and all the kids who live in Eastvale came back to our school, she said; mom we brought all the gangs to our new school.

My point is: You Can't take the gangster out of your kid, your kid has to take the gangster out himself. Your kid is who he want's to be or at least what he thinks he want's to be. You can't change anyone but yourself, but you can try to open ther eyes to see the whole picture and not just what they want to see. This is why I told you to do the stuff in the begining of this response. Then Pray for God to open his eyes before it's to late. (It can always get worse)even when we think it can't.

(by the way I'm not calling your kid a gangster I have no idea what kind of kids he is hanging with, Just that no matter where you take him he'll find the same kind of kids to hang with because he thinks there is something great about them.)Good luck, best wishes, and God be with you. I'm sure I'll be there soon, My oldest is almost to good she's 17 1/2. And is clueless to why people do the things they do, but I'm waiting for that special friend to tell her diffrent. My 2nd is totally diffrent, boy crazy at 12 & hits middle school in July. I have known she's the one to drive my hubby & I insane since I left her in my tummy. I told him the day she was born that this one will still the car one day, now you know don't be to hard on her.
My prayers are with you. J.

I love the advice from Ruth!!

Although he is pushing you away, your son needs you in his life now more than ever. He is still a child, so don't let go. He needs, and will continue to need you by his side guiding him until he becomes an adult. As an adult too, but at that point you'll have to take a step back, but not now!

Remember, we can't stop parenting just because our "children" want us to. There will be tough times, rebellion, which is normal and to be expected.

Ask yourself this question. Can a child make adult choices and decisions? They can't because they aren't adults. That is somthing I keep in mind while dealing with my children and when wondering which direction to go.

When he is grown and on his own, he will love and appreciate all you did for him, hovering (as he calls it) and all!

Good luck! M.

You already know the answer.

Hello S.- I, too have a teenage son. If he is changing his pattern, it may be a sign of concern. Has he changed friends? Maybe, he likes a girl and is distracted? I would first contact his teachers or a particular teacher and ask how he is doing in class. In addition, maybe a teacher can tell you about the friends he is hanging out with during school. Based on that information, I would base the decision to back off a little bit, or continue to supervise him constantly as he may not want you too, but may need you to during this time of growth. And, of course, always follow your instinct. Good luck

Whenever possible let him face the consequences of his behavior. The sooner he learns it, the better. I'd keep a close watch on his choices and if he doesn't learn quickly I'd intervene. BTW, call the scool and make sure they enforce the consequences, they often let good kids slide.