My son who is almost 18 recently lost his virginity. I didn't even know he had a girlfriend! My son is not always too forthcoming with things like this. He doesn't exactly hide them but he doesn't volunteer it either.
I am pretty open about most things. I have always talked to my kids about it's better to wait, using condoms and such. (he says he did) I have tried to make them feel they could tell me anything.
I guess he does not feel that way about his dad because for some reason he does not want his father to know yet. He does not want me to tell his dad either. (This could be because his dad is a loud yelling at the drop of a hat a$$hole more often than not)
SO here are my questions:
1. DO I tell my husband even though son does not want him to know yet?
If I tell Dad, son gets upset and doesn't tell me anything else. If I don't tell husband and he knows I knew it could possibly cause a problem.
2. WHere do we go from here as far as my son?
Of course he is not going to get to bring girls home for a romp or anything but I do want to make sure he stays safe and treats women respectfully, especially when it comes to this! Should I make sure he has condoms and such? (yea I know shoulda been done already!)
Thoughts, opinions, advice please...Oh and remember to put it nicely please, no need to be rude!
My son will be 18 in March.
My husband does not like to be "left out" of anything and gets mad about it. I never know what he will get mad about.
I felt I needed to keep it to myself but I like to have a variety of opinions on a subject. I would not say my son is a man, he may be physically but I am not too sure how grown up he is emotionally at times. He can still act like a little kid, but so do I so who knows!
I think I will have that serious talk with him (again) and keep encouraging him to talk to his dad. I imagine there are insights I just cannot have being that I am a woman.
LMAO Jeez "Lost innocence" is just a phrase. I just thought it sounded more polite for the title line. Calling something I wrote crap and phrasing it "keep your mouth shut" is not exactly the nicest way to put those now is it? =P
Sounds like there are bigger issues at home than the sex thing. "(This could be because his dad is a loud yelling at the drop of a hat a$$hole more often than not)" ....
He is an adult, respect his wishes.
He is almost 18! It is amazing that he told his mom, why do you need to tell his father? What benefit could come from telling your husband? I see no benefit but a see many disadvantages to your relationship with your son if you break his trust.
Be proud that you have been successful in parenting him. You had to have been or he never would have felt comfortable telling you any of this. It is okay to talk to him reminding him to be safe, be respectful to women and to the rules of your home; just don't make such a big deal out of it that he won't feel coming to you with important questions later. He will never be old for you to have these conversations.
Wow! Your son told you! That is awesome. He must really trust you and also is sharing with you a rite of passage that some teenagers go through at that age. That's a biggy mom. You should not tell your husband but you should continue to council your son. He is almost 18? I feel you should be straight with him about condoms, diseases and pregnancy not in a preachy way but a down to earth way.
I NEVER told my parents after I'd had sex for the first time (at 16) because they informed me that our religion (Catholic, theirs, not mine now) forbids sex outside of marriage. So that kinda closed down communication about real life, you know? So I applaud whatever you've done that made your son feel comfortable enough to tell you. I also think (given your knowledge of how your husband would probably react in hearing the news which is really, really too bad) that I would keep this between my son and I but would certainly want to have a heart-to-heart with him and remind him about condoms, STDs -- and all the EMOTIONS that come tied with being intimate with another person. I would also not want to break that confidence that you and your son shared; it is so impt. for a kid to know that they can share what is really going on in their lives with their parents, even if it is just ONE parent. Good luck!
I would keep this information private unless there is a pressing reason to share. You have done something very "right" which has allowed your son to share this information with you.
I would suggest taking him out for a bite to eat and have a frank and open dialogue about the topic, starting with... "This is going to be a difficult conversation, but one that we need to have." Make sure that he understands the need for protection EVERY time and yes, she can get pregnant w/o a condom "just once". Considering his age, he probably knows the "science", but it doesn't hurt to review.
More importantly, a chat about the emotional component of sex is warranted. Respecting women is very important, but so is respecting himself and doing only what he is comfortable with!
Developmentally, this is pretty on-target with when most kids have sex for the first time, so he's probably hearing a lot from his friends. Make sure that he knows that he can come to you any time and that you will listen.
NO, you don't tell dad! He is almost an adult. He can choose to have sex if he wants and its not your business to tell his dad---he should if he wants him to know. As far as you go, encourage safer sex with condoms and make sure he is fully aware of the reprocussions if a girl he has sex with gets pregnant-- she may want the baby or she may want an abortion or give the baby up for adoption--is he ready for that? What about STDs? Some STD's stay with you for life- medication and outbreaks etc. Make sure he is informed about all this. Be available for questions if he has any. And yes, you should give him condoms or send him to Planned Parenthood for some free condoms and an STD screening and exam.
Your doing fine mama, but just need to let him make his own decisions now as far as telling people that he lost his virginity. Good luck!
Molly
I work at a High School and in my opinion you should feel blessed that your son can talk to you about it at all. ALSO that he dosent have a kid on the way by some random girl. At my work right now there are 32/ 1200 girls pregnant. WOW jaw dropping!!! Let him take care of his condom buisness. As far as telling Dad I wouldnt. He trust you and talked to you in confidence and you dont want to break that or mess that up. Its not like hes talking about suicide.....its sex, and how many wait until they are married, its not the end of the world. Yes, I will teach my kiddos absinance and to wait but if it dosent happen I hope my son is able to talk to me like yours is you. Good luck Mommy!
it's not unusual for kids, even those with great relationships with their parents, not to share this particular adult coming of age event with them. i had a pretty good idea with both of my boys, but they never made a big announcement.
i don't like keeping things from a spouse, but if dad is indeed a loud yelling @$$hole, i can see why your son prefers not to go there. you can always tell your dh, when the time comes, that you honored your son's wishes for exactly that reason.
you don't need to 'go anywhere' with it. it's really not something you get to mother him about. he's almost 18. if he hasn't yet learned to treat women respectfully and stay safe, it's too late. but i'll bet you've done your job well and can let that go. no, it's not your job to make sure he has condoms. a single serious conversation, which you certainly have already had, will take care of that. he is surely aware of the terrible dangers of NOT using one and will behave responsibly if treated like a responsible adult.
bite your lip and back away, mom! i do know how difficult it is!
:) khairete
S.
I haven't really read anyone's response except for Leahs just because i had to read the rudeness not sure why. I would be happy in todays day and age that he is as old as he is. I keep reading stories of kids losing it at a much younger age. I would be happy that he confided in you so in that sense I would not tell the dad because he did trust you and you have a line of communication open there to make sure that you can talk to him about being safe. If those lines are broken he will just continue to do his thing and not let you know about any of it. So dad might yell at the drop of a hat, mine did too and i was terrified of him. Which is why I told my mom a lot more than I ever did my father. I still love him but the yelling just isn't worth it. So if he does find out he was left out let him know that he was because of his yelling and thats how it is. No one should have to walk on eggshells in their house its not fun for anyone. I would just thank him for coming forward and if he doesnt feel like telling dad then he doesnt have to but he can come to you and if he likes the girl you would like to meet her. I would totally ignore leahs comment she apparently has no problems with little girls sleeping with older men. The courts on the other hand do.
I totally agree about NOT telling your husband, I am sure it would be the same thing if/when that happens in my home. I have a wonderful husband and we are very happily married BUT my kids do not confide in him and I know they wouldn't want me to tell him. Well, maybe they would let me tell him, they just wouldn't want to be the ones doing it.
I have to ask this..... really how many of us told our parents we were having sex before we were married??? I think it is wonderful that your son told you. I hope my sons will be as open with me. My kids are 16,13 and 8, boy, girl, boy. I am fairly close with all my kids, not as much as with the 16 year old, perhaps that is an age thing. I am close with my daughter and my 8 year old is VERY much mommies boy. I loved the idea someone gave about taking your son to dinner and having a talk. I think I will do that soon, take each child individually, in fact, my 8 year asked amonth or so ago if we could go on a "date" sometime and I liked the idea.
Why is it such a big deal? Age of consent in most states is 16 y/o. I would not tell your husband simply because it's none of his business and your son asked you not to.
He's 18. He's pretty much an adult.
He buys his own condoms. and don't tell his dad. It's his secret to tell not yours.
Make sure you thank your son for sharing this info. Do NOT tell your husband. Your son is trusting you and you do not want to lose that trust.
Instead you may want to begin helping your husband realize, that his behaviors are keeping him from being close to his son. That his tone, his comments whatever, has built up a wall. Your son will graduate and begin his own life and what a shame that dad will not be the person son will want to call for advice or share good and bad news with.
Begin having good long conversations with your son about your sons plans for his life and his dreams. This will be a good time to help him realize he is in charge of his happiness and starting to work on these goals. A car? What type of car, how much? How can he start saving money?
College? Where? What will he need? Live on Campus? Live at home, an apt? How much money needed?
Travel? To where? How much?
Do purchase one box of condoms for your son and remind him he is responsible for using them EVERY time! Let him know you are too young to be a grandmother, so to keep in mind he needs to be mature enough to make sure this does not happen and discuss the actual truth about what it is like to have a baby and a child.. Include the cost of Dr. appt.'s The cost of labor and delivery and the cost of child support that will be needed for any children he might be responsible for.. This will be for a lifetime. Also anyone you have a child with, you will be dealing with them and threir families forever.. It never ends..
I think it's great that he felt comfortable enough to tell you about it. I do not think you should betry his trust and tell his dad. There's really nothing you guys can do about it now that it's done. I would just stress the need to be safe if/when he does it again . Ask him if he's ready to be a dad - hopefully that will make him think more about making sure it's right and that he's ready for that mature step.
ADDED: Oops, you say he's NOT quite 18 yet? I would have a hard time not telling dad then.... Son probably needs that LOUD man's input on the subject. I would tell your son that you are going to discuss it with his dad so your son is prepared.... and I only say this because he's not 18 yet, he still lives in your home, he's a child, and it's a VERY important topic for discussion. So, my original post below is now sort of meaningless, but I'll leave it anyways. :)
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Your son is 18 and an adult who has asked you not to share the info. You have no choice but to sit on it. It's the code of being a mom. If he was under 18 it would be different.
Maybe buy a box of condoms and leave them out where hubby might see them in sons room or something?.... and then he will have to deal with his dad that way.... (If son cant afford to buy his own condoms he definitely shouldnt be having sex now should he, might be a topic you would bring up to him just so he knows where you stand on the issue)
If you have already talked to him about sex there isnt much more you can do. I honestly dont remember lecturing my sons further after they left the home at about that age. Just remind him on occasion HOW EXPENSIVE babies are. And definitely dont let him have sex in your house... ever.... until he is married or in a long term live in relationship with someone.
um...that's normal for teenager's unfortunately, i lost mine at 15 and my brother didn't know until.....um 11 years later, mom, i still don't think she knows
if he's almost 18, i'd leave it up to him if she gets pg, he'll have to deal wit the consequences and learn the hard way, he confided in you, i wouldn't say anything he wont trust you with further issues if he knows you'll "blab" to his dad who doesn't take news like this well anyways
i know my mom repeating everything to my step dad shut me down to her BIG time and i STILL pick very little of what i tell her.
yikes, you have had some doozies for answers. Why are people so rude? its not needed ya know?
If your son asked that you not tell his father because he would be angry and you feel like your husband would overreact then maybe keep this to yourself for right now. I would explain to your son that you understand his position, but for you to keep things from his father is not how a marriage works and not how a relationship between parents and kids work either. encourage him to talk to both of you.
Him asking you to do that could be that he's scared and a little immature. I would tell him that you are proud that he told you about his sexual activity and that he used condoms.
Since he is an adult and ready for the responsibilty I would tell him to make an appointment with his doctor to have STD (all tests included, some doctors only run a few and instist that all are done) test done every six months because that is the only way to confirm that he is healthy. Insist that his girlfriend or any other "friends" do the same, not just because he cares for them but to make sure he stays healthy too.
Other than that, I'm not sure if you can do much! Keep providing guidence and let him know that you are proud of his judgements so far and to keep acting like and adult- i.e. talking to you (and hopefully your husband, or at least you and you telling your husband), using condoms and birth control, and keep up on the STD testing.
Good luck! sounds like you're doing a great job so far. parenting isn't as black and white as some posted below. I wonder if they have teenagers? hahaha
That IS a toughie. I would hold off on telling his father, i would try to convince your son to do it. Plus hes almost 18, this is the right age for that, actually. You are actually lucky he waited this long.
Definitely make sure he has condoms.
Okay from what I understand it is not the loss of virginity that is the problem it is telling Dad that is the problem. In my opinion and if it were me I wouldnt tell my husband just because my son told me what he did in confidence. If the husband finds out later fine but dont compromise the trust of your son
I think your son is 18 years old. In some countrys he is considered an adult. If he told you about this he seems pretty mature and responsable. If he told you not to tell his dad I definitly would keep it to yourself until your son is ready. Its pretty personal and that he told you is a big sign that he trusts you so I wouldn't let him down. You can have a talk with him about being save but I probably would leave it by that.
I think that I would have a difficult time keeping something like that from my husband. Maybe a day or two... but not longer than that. Your son may need guidance from his dad more than either you or he knows.
Could you perhaps suggest to your son that he talk with his dad about it?
If your husband is unable to keep this in confidence until your son feels comfortable telling him himself, then I say you don't tell him. It is important that you can trust your husband with things that you tell him and it sounds like that is not the case. If I am correct, then I think you keep it to yourself, and if it comes out later on that you knew I would just say that _____ wanted to tell you himself.
If I am wrong, and you could tell your husband and he would keep it to himself until your son feels comfortable tellling him, then you tell your husband.
Either way, I think that you supply your son with information on STD's and pregnancy, and then buy him condoms so that he can protect himself. Unless he has a job and can buy them himself.....
Your post is fine in my opinion but really does your DH need to know??? If your son was 14 or something like that than Dad should know. Your son is 18 and an adult. It is your son's business and no one else's. Now if you have set ground rules in your home regarding girlfriends and what he does with them in your house and he crossed the line it would be different. Is your DH upset about this? Is he worried she's pregnant? Any issues??? Or does he need to talk Man to Man about something regarding his experience? Then really he should be talking to DAD and if he can't then find another trusted male adult he looks up to for guidance.
