Teen Text Messaging Saga

Good for you adopting an older child! You might try setting time limits on texting. Like she can text from 3:30 to 5:30 then put it away for the rest of the day. I would be concerned about her texting at school if she is that enamored with it. I've heard kids are often allowed to text at school. Be careful she isn't doing that all day instead of listening to her teachers.

Good Luck!
M.

As an adolescent counselor the only thing I would recommend is see if you can see what it is she is texting, and what she is receiving. There have been reports lately of inappropriate text messages: sexual content, teens being sexually harrassed, bullied, etc...

Just a precaution.

I think the advise of setting boundaries and schedules and helping her adjust will work well.
She is probably so dang excited!
GOOD LUCK

Congratulation on your new family! I have to add my two cents here. I have been a junior high school teacher for almost 20 years and have a first hand view of teen behavior and phones (especially while out of view of their parentals) While I understand the parents who have responded saying, "if that's your biggest worry, be happy", I have to agree with those who have responded with, "set boundaries".

The cell phone may seem innocuous, but it can cause a huge amount of trouble. For sure keep it while she is doing homework, and in the evenings. Explain she is not to use it during class. It should stay turned off (not on vibrate) and in her backpack during school hours, and teach her how to text kindly and speak as she would face to face with peers.

The thing about texting is that everything she writes can be spread like wildfire across the town with a click of a button. One spiteful moment by a friend and everyone in school could know she has a crush on a particular person.... It can be quite damaging to the teen who is not careful about what she shares. Same with personal information and any moments she has with friends i.e." she was such a b*** today" to a confidant, could turn into a huge "diss" fight with a whole crowd. Then there are all the texts sharing school info, which can turn into sharing answers and end up in school discipline, the texts explaining "mom and dad are away at..." that turn into a whole herd of rowdy students ending up at your house and the texts that express," I'm kinda loney or sad.." which can turn into offers to hang out (good) or share drugs (omg).

Without face to face communication, a ton of information that helps our teens understand what's being said and shared is lost. We need to use texting minimally. Would you let her talk on the phone all day? It can be too addictive. Cut the cord to the friends line, and allow teens be PRESENT in the space they are in. She needs time to bond with you as a Mom too. Having said that, I completely support the moderate use for staying connected with where everyone is, but be aware and do set the limits. It can make a huge difference in the success and health of a teenager socially and with the family.

Good luck!
Erin

Congrats! I agree and disagree w/those below...It's only been 2 weeks! This sweet girl probably didn't have much before she got to your home. I would tell her your expectations and then see if she follows through or disregards your rule. I also don't think getting rid of the unlimited texting just yet is the answer....if she abides by your rules and puts the phone away during family times and other events why can't she have unlimited messages? This saves you money incase she would go over a limit! Just remember, it's only been 2 weeks...this phone is probably like gold to this sweet girl!! I would give it a little more time and then see what happens....maybe a month or so...just put yourself in her position. YAY to you for adopting an older child!

This is very normal and kids today are master multi-taskers. However, I set boundaries with my daughter (17)such as no texting during school hours, after 10PM, during meals, during church, homework time, while driving, etc. She knows I check the itemized cell phone bill to check if she is texting during school, and monitor her compliance as much as possible. The consequence for breaking the rules is no phone for at least a week. Don't be afraid to take away the phone and be firm. She will hoot and holler but she'll live.

PS: Pay for the unlimited text feature--it will save your sanity not to mention your checkbook.

Hi,
I am a social worker and deal with teens. Cell phones are in with this generation but they do become obsession very quickly. So boundaries need to be set otherwise the phone will become an obsessive compulsive issue. I have already experienced this numerous times with my clients. So the parents would put a timer on the phone or often had to remove the telephone until responsibility or action was taken. One youth i was working with used text, downloads, and such and ran the bill up to over $1,000.00. She became defiant and rebellious. So mom took the telephone and allowed her to use it at certain times. Yes, it caused anger and loss of control but boundaries are very important esp. since she is a new member. If boundaries aren't set now, then her behavior will become more rebellious. I would advise an adoption support group esp. for older teens that you and your daughter can participate in.....or even seek post adoption counseling. Adopting an older child can be very difficult and challenging. You will need extra support. But the counseling is necessary so that the transition can be a smooth one and loving. Good luck. JW

I too am going through this and have been for some time. We now treat the phone like we do the computer...they have a set amount of time to use it. When it first became a problem, I sat my 16 yr old daughter and my 14 yr old son down and explained that they could not ignore me and/or the rest of the world b/c of texting. If they could show good judgement and limited use themselves, I would not set boundaries re the phone. That lasted for one day, possibly two...? They can take their phones to school (they are not allowed to use them there but can call me after if they need to), leave them on the kitchen counter when they get home and then use them or the computer for their alloted hour. From 9-10pm they can take their phones and/or be on the computer. At 10pm they turn them in b/c they were staying up all night texting. I let them take them when going somewhere without me but that's it. I'm way over the phones!!! We also have an exchange student this year and had the same problems w/ him. Within the first two weeks of the exchange it became apparent that a teenager is a teenager, is a teenager...no matter where they come from! Hope this helps somewhat...it has helped us to restore some sanity in our house hold.

The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Sit down with her and tell you how you feel and work out what is fair use of the texting. Extended conversations should be off limits during family time or during homework for instance, when a one or two word answer might be permissable. Then there is her ability to turn off the phone and ultimately your ability to taketh it away.
C. S.

My son is 17 and my niece is 18 - my son had 500 text msgs last month and my niece over 1000 and both have had phones for a few years not just weeks(my husband and I each had just under 200 texts). As long as your daughter is learning manners on when it's appropriate and inappropriate I feel it's ok. When my daughter was a teen, I learned to pick my battles. If endless text messaging is the biggest problem you have and it doesn't interfer with school or other responsibilities, please consider yourself extremely lucky. Just set the rules and let her know it's a responsibility and a privilege. If she's irresponsible with it, she'll lose the privilege. Is the texting causing any harm or disrespect or just irritating you? I have added a download block to my son's phone and my husband's phone :)

You are making too much of it. I have a 16 year old and that is the new way they communicate with their friends. I am glad my daughter has unlimited text messaging because she used over 8000 text messages last month. As long as she does her choirs, homework, and anything you ask be happy and enjoy your daughter. I have a adopted son 2 years old.

My son (will be 11 next month) has a cell phone and has had one since he was 9. He texts alot--but not constantly. I would expect this from a 16 yo girl and as long as it's not disrupting family time, then I say it is no big deal. I had much rather them be using cell phone texting than chatting on the computer to people who could have fake names or something. At least this way--you can see whose number she is texting to. It's just a new way of communicating for kids and I don't see anything wrong with it if it's not causing any other major problems!! Congrats on the adoption!! :)

Congratulations on your adoption. I wish the best for your family.

I have a 13 yr old girl and she texts a lot. Most of her cell phone time is spent texting vs actually talking on the phone. Her cell phone time does not take away from family or other activity time. I also LOVE the text feature because she communicates with me from school or at friends homes.

She also has a laptop and I MUCH prefer her texting her friends over chatting online. Like another mom said...with texting, I know who she is talking to because I have the numbers.

I am very open minded, I give her a lot of freedom to make choices. She knows she has boundaries and she does push the limit at times and the consequences of that are no phone and no laptop. So far, everything is working out well for us at this point.

Susan

I have 2 younger half sisters age 14 and 16 and they both have cell phones. However, they have a small number of PRE PAID minutes and DO NOT have anything unlimited. This keeps the excessive use of the cell phone down as the phone turns off when they go over their minutes and doesn't turn back on again until the next month. They have learned to ration out their minutes so that it lasts the entire month. They see their friends at school all day every week so why would they need so many minutes to talk to them anyway??? The phone is mainly for emergencies and for contact with my parents.
My advice to you is to get on the pre paid minute plan for your 16 yr old. She honestly does not need more than 1000 minutes a month. That comes out to more or less 30 minutes a day.

Hi W., Congratulations on your newly adopted child. My husband and I have three boys (30 yrs, 22 yrs, and 12 yrs). It is my opinion that while your children live IN your home, you make the rules. Don't give her the choice of using her cell phone or not, tell her when she is allowed to spend time on the cell. That's it. She must realize there are rules no matter where she lives or with whom she resides.

Good luck

Congrats to you!! I am also a mom of adopted children ( as babies).
First of all I would not give her the unlimited texting. She savored the freedom and is enjoying it. I am sure you also have set down the family rules? Whatever you decide as a family, firmly set down the rules.
My son is a very sweet boy but lately is starting to get a bit defiant. I was upset with him the other day but after we both calmed down, I came in with a clipboard. I drew a line down the middle and asked him to list on the left side, all the things he would like to see me change and on the right, the things he thought he needed to change. I did this to give him some power and not to just think we made all the rules. Then we sat down and talked. He had more things he thought he needed to change. When my husband got home, they did the same. We also had him write down how much computer time he thought he should have and we wrote down how much we thought he should have. Together we came up with a workable solution and he must abide by it now.
Maybe you could try something like that now so she has some part in family decisions. I am sure she came with some issues and it must be hard for you all to adjust but by letting her have part of the say, that might give her a sense of control. Once I did this ( On Saturday) he has been an angel again. I think I had just been so controlling. I am not saying you are controlling but you need to set the rules, let her know what they are and give her a part of the decision making also. I hope that works. I don't have teenagers yet but am going to do a lot of reading before that time comes. Are you working with a social worker or counselor at all? Best of luck to you and congratulations!!

I have a 22 year old son, 20 year old daughter and 17 year old son. They text ALL the time, as does my husband. Truly it's the best way to communicate with them when they're outside of the home. My two older ones are away at college; so, texting is the #1 method of communication. I do know how irritating it can be when they are doing it all the time. We do have rules about texting at dinner or when we're out together; but, otherwise it is how this age communicates -- like it or not. This really isn't about novelty, it is how her friends are communicating with her.

My daughter did the same thing. We had a 200 free messages when she got her new phone. She went nuts with it, so I switched back to paying for each message...SHE pays for each message. They're only $.10 a piece but it adds up quickly and now she usually owes me $5 or so when the bill comes. It's really helped. For some reason teens would rather text than talk on the phone. I think it's because it's much easier to say something you know you shouldn't say in a text than on the phone so I think limiting texts are a great idea.

Hi W.,

It seems to me you need to set clear boundaries with predetermined consequences. Explain to her when she can text and if she does not follow the rules, take the phone away for a set period of time (for example take it away over the weekend). Since you are the mom, you get to set the rules! Also, you should let her know you will monitor her text messages if you think that is appropriate. It seems like this is really a hot topic these days, so it will be interesting to hear responses from other moms.

W.,
I think this is totally normal teen behavior and that she'll tire of it soon. Two weeks is not very long.

Give her some rules, like no phone on her person during dinner. And explain why... like because you want to have time as a family to talk, not "just because" (though I do use that reason on my own teens too often).

But don't give her too many rules. And I think unlimited texting is absolutely the way to go.

Congrats and enjoy!

Wow. You are lucky and count your blessings if this is all the problems you have with a teenager and and an adopted one at that. I have 4 kids, 21 15 8 and 6. We all have cell phones excl 6 yo as a means to keep up with each other, during and after school when I need to ask a QUICK question, see where they are outside, or even them asking me where I am LOL. I remember the first time I got text from my 8 yo and I couldn't believe she knew how to text me because my 21 yo had to show me how to text. LOL The only part that irritates me about texting when we're together or in the same room is the constant "ding" or sound of the incoming message and after my nerves can't take it any longer, I tell them to put it on vibrate, esp in the car/truck. At home if they're doing chores, I tell them not to answer until they finish. I too am a compulsive texter to my friends/sister in other states and my husband in Iraq and I'm 40. As long as her grades are GOOD, she's not being disobedient and you can see where she is, count your blessings like I do and LEAVE HER ALONE for pete's sake. TEENS COULD BE DOING A LOT WORSE THAN STAYING AT HOME TEXTING with this world like it is; just watch the news or listen to other parents. Don't take her unl text away and put her on a limit, then she'll just be constantly on the phone using up peak minutes. Everyone has their own set of rules, but I think that some parents just go overboard with things. Lastly, congrats on your new family member and good luck.

Congratulations!!! New mommy. I dont have a teen yet since my son is only 4 yrs. old; however, texting is so hot right now. At my place of employment we have a teen who works part time and comes in at 12 p.m. and she also can not seem to put the phone down, she is constantly on it. I definitely believe it's not just a teen thing, but that's they're new way of communication. Oh, and it can be annoying so i do understand. Take it easy mommy.

Oh, and the crush on your hubby is so cute.

You all are a new family, and just like "newlyweds" need to have protected time to bond together. Birth parents of teens had in the baby/toddler years. I would definitely support your discussing this with your daughter, that your goal is to have a strong attachment and identity as a family. Even though a big part of teen life is relating to friends, your daughter needs to spend more time bonding with her family for the first time. Protect that space, at least for the first year you are together, by having 2-3 hours of text free time in the evening (whatever you decide together is all right).

Another thought-- someone suggested that you can monitor her texts. I would definitely recommend that, having had a friend whose teen daughter nearly left home for a romantic tryst with a complete stranger, after having exchaged nude photos over the phone. But let her know that you will be doing it. She can then tell her friends that her Mom monitors her phone, please don't send anything inappropriate. (I talked to a teen who didn't have her own private email, and was actually thankful. It protected her from recieving messages she wouldn't have wanted!) It's a difficult and loving discipline to set boundaries, and your daughter will know she's got real parents when you do. Plus, if she's annoyed by middle of the night (or innapropriate) texts, now she has someone else to "blame"... her over controlling parents... which allows her to save face with her friends. "I couldn't text you back, because my mom takes away my phone at 9:00..." or whatever. Helps the other kids too!

Blessings!

I have a 16,14,13, and 11 year old. That is what they do. Remeber back when we were allowed to have a phone in our room. We stayed on the phone for hours. Well this is their "thing". They can talk to 10 different people at one time, and talk about nothing. :) As long as they aren't getting into trouble...this is a fight that is not worth the time. Every once in a while i will do a text check. I grab their phone and see whats going on. I mostly keep my comments to myself, unless it is something i feel that is important. Good luck on what ever u decide to do.

You hsve gotten a lot of good advice about boundaries, etc. My 16 yo granddaughter is also always texting (to me, also). My hubby says why don't you call her? My answer to him is that a phone conversation would be over in a minute, whereas she and I will have a text conversation for half an hour. Sometimes, the old adage "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" works.

I am a mom to 14, 12, 9 and almost 7 (he is adopted!). I agree that you may want to try to let this go, but here are a few things we have implimented that have helped keep us sane; We require that on school nights, there phone must be in our room by a predetermined time. That is where it stays and charges for the night. Our kids were still receiving texts past midnight, then they were exhausted the next day. So that took care of that. I also read the texts occasionally, just to make sure I have some idea of what and who is going on. We ban it at all meals. It is taken away if that is broken. We also ban it at church, and when they are working (at our business, babysitting, etc.). Our children's school don't allow phones during the day. They have to stay in a locker or purse. Congratulations on your newest family addition! Enjoy every minute!

I have been told you can go online to your Verizon account and get two days worth of texting if there is any concern about who your daughter is texting. My son has a phone and takes it to school but it must go into the locker until the end of the day. When he arrives home he deposit his phone in the kitchen to charge. I do this because he was up very late doing home work but what I found out is he was texting and doing homework. So that has worked for us. Good luck

What about removing the text-messaging option? Or, removing the cell phone all together. I didn't get a cell phone until 2 years ago...at age 16, I definitely could have lived without a cell phone.

you have gotten some great advice i've noticed myself texting it is more discrete if you are in a public place and have to send a quick message. keep your boundaries very clear adn the phone is considered a privelage not a necesstity. I pay th ebil;l in our house and my 13 yr old pays us in babysitting her 18 mth old sister.... win win but if it is abused it can be taken away K. mother of 13 11 8 and 18mths K. d

I just came across your inquiry and I just wanted to warn you-monitor her texting because it can get a little riske'. No the newness will not wear off for sometime,but periodically go through even if she doesn't know that you are. In the long run it will be well worth it. Good Luck

I am new to the board and just saw this message.. I don't know what cell service you have but T-Mobile has parental controls. For a few dollars a month you can block out times where they can't call or text EXCEPT for certain numbers you would like always to be available (you your husband.. maybe a therapist etc) I have a 16yr old daughter as well. She has her phone blocked so that she can only call and text 4-9 weekdays and all day till 11 on weekends. I also limited her to 200 mins a month (excluding our family). It has been working great.

W.,

I just wanted to say congratuations on the new addition to your family.

We have many of the same policies as in the advice you have already been given...mostly because of problems or issues that arose while in the beginning stages of cell phone use (my daughters' dad gave them each a cell phone without discussing it with me so we had a whole lot to figure out at first). We have what we call NTZs which are "No Text Zones". I should really call them NPZs because it also includes talking on the phone. Those places are the dinner table, family times, during CHURCH, restaurants, movies, etc. Our rule is that they can keep their phones in these places if they follow the rule; however, if not their phones are placed in my possession (not popular, but then again parenting isn't always).

God bless your growing family!

C.

Sorry I can't help you much. But I will tell you that it is her age. I have a 15yr old step daughter and she is the same way with her phone. She drives us nuts when we are around her. Good Luck.