Teenage Daughter and Motivation

I don't want to wake up before 10 am on the weekends (unfortunately the little ones don't give me that option)! As a teen, I was definitely not up before noon on the weekends (2pm was not unheard of), unless there was somewhere I needed to be - so I would definitely back off on that.

I know my family didn't push me to do a single thing, and I was vp of student body, I played softball, and was in band, choir, dance, and theater. I wouldn't know so you can tell me to butt out, but when I was 15 when I was told to do something like the typical teen I did the opposite!

Could you be pushing to hard? Again, you are her mom, and I have a baby who is almost 8 months old!! I could be wrong!!

If she's good at art, you should buy her some cool art supplies she doesn't know anything about, intrigue her with the idea of learning, she may come around or she may not. I would not stress to much. =)

Unfortunately, the only person who can motivate anyone is the person him- or herself. As someone else said, her choices create consequences, but they are her consequences. Re community college--please don't knock it! Our daughter chose to attend community college before transferring to UCSB this year. It saved us a ton of money, and we enjoyed having her home for a couple of extra years.

One other thought--if your daughter isn't driven to excel, is that really such a problem? If she is volunteering, doing well in school, and enjoying her art--isn't that enough, especially at age 15?

She sounds like a typical teenager, AND she sounds like she's doing really well actually. Volunteering at an animal shelter is a great thing. Sounds like she might have some compassion for those less fortunate. My teenager didn't wake up before noon on weekends. Teenagers require LOTS of sleep, and they don't get it during the week because school starts so early.

I think I'd back off a bit and let her figure out what she wants to do. Also, let her sleep! And maybe get her some really cool art supplies if she's good at it. That might motivate her to do more.

She sounds like a sweetheart. Good grades, well-behaved, loves animals.

Totally get the 10am thing, teens need a lot of sleep.

She is in 10th grade? She has next year and senior year to get into more activities. If you can spend some relaxing time together, you can share in a relaxed and collaborative manner your concerns about her getting into a good college and how those schools want well-rounded students with good grades.

She sound like a typicle t een ager is she youronly child

Your pushing her may cause her to rebel. She is an excellent student and volunteers on the weekend, and I am assuming is staying out of trouble. Motivation comes from within, maybe she feels that she can't please you and is giving up. Lay off her and just enjoy her. Spend time with her and support her. She will become self motivated when she feels you are on not on her back. Teenage years are tough ones and trust me they speak and hear a different language. This is a time when you need to listen and not say too much. Talk to her about her goals and ask if you can help her realize them. Some kids have to do things on their terms, and there is nothing you can do to change that, you just have to use different methods. Lecturing her will only turn her off. Good luck!!

Hello S.S.

One of the jobs for teenagers to do is called "individuate." Meaning develop an identity separate from their parents. This often looks like rebellion as they insist on doing things their way, which is easy, because it is usually the opposite of what parents want. It is good that she is exploring her own personality, what she likes and doesn't like, being a teenager isn't easy, some have a harder time than others. Let her live her life and be happy she isn't rebelling to the point of self destruction. Some years ago there was a study that took a survey of CEO's and managers in corporations that asked who would they hire first, the over achiever who was qualified for the job, or the person who got along with other but wasn't necessarily a high achiever. Overwhelmingly, the choice was the person who got along well with others.

Sometimes parents need to ask themselves if they have their own egos wrapped up in their children. Whose life is it anyway?

Good luck,
Wendy

Honestly I think you need to back off. First, there is nothing wrong with a community college. Second, you said she volunteers at an animal shelter...that's great!

I know it's been a bit since I was in college, but it was crammed down my throat too that I needed to do all these extra activities and honestly, I don't think they really helped me all that much.

And...sleeping until 10a on the weekend sounds pretty normal to me.

Maybe just back off and let her enjoy and plot her own course. She's still a kid, let her enjoy it.

-M

I read this and for a split second wondered if you were veiling your bragging as a "problem." LOL... You have a teen who volunteers, has a 3.3 GPA and your biggest problem is that she wants to sleep till 10 on the weekends. I think you've got a good kid on your hands. I'd probably back off. Tell her that you support her decisions and that you respect her. Make sure she knows that if she wants to do something you are willing to finance her efforts under that condition that she sticks to it. Then, drop it. Don't push.
I'm a huge fan of community college. It saves a TON of money and she can go to a good four year after that.
As a side note, on my off days I routinely sleep until noon, with what I jokingly refer to as an "interruption of my night" to get the kids off to school. Let the girl sleep. Those are her OFF days. As long as she is respectful if you need her to be up for some specific event I wouldn't press the issue.
Good luck, though it really doesn't sound to me like you need it... you've got a good kid on your hands!

I'd back off for a bit. She has good grades, she volunteers, she enjoys art. No, she likely won't get into any top name universities but there's nothing wrong with a community college as she figures out who she is and what she wants to be.

However, having said that, when the time comes that she does whine about the challenges she faces, you could (gently) point out how decisions she made in high school impacted her years later. It take some folks their whole lives to learn this valuable lesson. Sympathize with her but don't allow her to make excuses. It wasn't anyone else's fault but hers.

My youngest is struggling to keep his grades high enough for me to let him try out for after school sports. He didn't get to join the ski team last year because his grades were poor. When he whines about it, I just briskly remind him that he chose to goof off in class, play his gameboy and make all manner of decisions that brought his grades down. He's slowly catching on to poor decisions today make for poor choices months, if not years, from now.

As much as we'd like our kids to do things the easy way, some just need the school of hard knocks to learn a few lessons. Hang in there....

If she doesn't believe you, tell her this from my experience. My daughter graduated high school last year with a 4.0 her senior year, 3.85 overall. She had an 1800 on her SAT and a 26 on her ACT. She took almost all honors or AP classes. She was in a couple of clubs and even founded a new outreach club, was on the volleyball team all four years & played club volleyball, joined the yearbook committee, super involved at church with lots of volunteer hours, and did several mission trips. And, yet THREE Cal State Universities turned her DOWN! Why? Because they are overcrowded. Only 1 in 10 applicants were accepted. Of the 10% who were accepted - those spots went to priority students (junior transfer students and students who lived in that schools community) and super smart students with 4.0 and 2000+ SAT scores. Fortunately, she didn't really want to go to any of those schools. She really wanted to go to a small private christian university which accepted her AND gave her several grants. But, it will still cost more than the state schools.

Find out if your school has a college/career counselor and schedule a meeting. Explain to her that colleges look at grades, sports, leadership and community outreach.

Good luck.

Ha, Ha...I had my daughter here when I read this (she is 13) and I read it to her....had to swear to her that I did not write it! So similar. So frustrating as a parent to watch your child not live up to their potential.

My sugguestions would be to limit the computer time to something both of you can agree upon. My kids loose their computer if they get anything lower than a B. (If they have time to spend on the computer, they have time to study). Encourage her to find an activity (easier said than done, I know), but at this point, nagging will cause rebelling. Talk to her about some goals. Have her come up with some goals for the next 12 months. Kids are not used to thinking in the long term. Does she want to improve her art skills? Does she like working with the animals? Getting her to write these things down, then talk about a road to achieving the goals.

The sleeping on the weekends, I have to agree with everyone else. Teenagers need it.

Good luck, remember, she's becoming a young adult, and needs to find her own path.

She's a Teen.

You can't 'force' it. Some parents do, but the child will do it only to make the parent stop nagging them or just do it to please the parent. It is still not, "their" idea though.

She's a good student. GREAT
She likes animals and volunteers. GREAT.
She seems burnt out from cross country perhaps. Fine.
Maybe she has/had too much on her plate. Fine.
Kids... need a break from constant activities, too. Its fine.
She sleeps a lot and late. That's a Teen.
She does not want to be a 'joiner' in classes or clubs now. Fine.
I was like that too at a certain age.

Yes, kids nowadays need such over the top "resumes" to get into college. Not all kids, are that way. Nor their personalities. And meanwhile, they get so burnt out... from the pressure and having to 'be' a certain way and have TONS of extra curricular activities on their 'resume' to get into college. Good or bad... it does not suit all kids.

Maybe... your girl just needs a breather. Time to just be... and be herself... without pressure and to figure herself out.
You are fortunate she is not hanging out with bad crowds or doing bad things.
She also needs to find her own way and interests....

all the best,
Susan

I wish I had some good advice for you but I will say that what you've just described is a very typical teenager. Let her be who she is but make her accountable for her grades. We as adults understand how college is more important now than it ever has been before. Teens do not and don't care. My son was able to get into a 4yr with a 3.25. It may not be the college of my choice but he did get accepted! Your daughter will eventually find her passion, she will find what motivates her - but it may not be on your time line.

Good luck.

You can only push so hard...
If you don't want her using the computer - limit her time... We have one computer - in the family room - for the family. There are no computers in bedrooms. There are no TVs in bedrooms. If you want them to be part of the family, you have to make them be part of the family.
As for sleeping in - please... she's a teenager... it's what they do. Teens need more sleep, but because of the early start time for school, they don't get what they need. They catch up on the weekends.
Community College is fine - especially for an unmotivated student. Why would you want to spend $20 - $40k per year for college for a kid who won't try?? She needs to figure out what SHE wants to do. Community College is a good place for that. Once she does 2 years there, she can transfer to a larger school and graduate with the degree she wants from the institution she wants.
You might go to the college nights that your school offers for Juniors and Seniors so she can see what she's going to need to do to get into college...
YMMV
LBC

Community college, a good one at least, is a good way to get your basics out of the way until she figures out what she wants to do, what she wants to major in. You said she is a good student, she volunteers at the animal shelter on weekends. She is not into extra-curricular activities, maybe she has not found her passion yet, I'd give her time, she may not find it until later in life. (if it were my daughter, I'd back off and just make sure the grades were good, that being said THIS is not my daughter, and you should do what you feel is right) I'd lay off though, I know MANY kids who did not like extra-curricular activities, one of which is my friend who went to a community college, then transfered to Stanford.