Teenage Daughter Did Wrong and Now No Friends.

So what. Forget it and move on. Those people aren't friends. I think people have no clue about how friends treat us. Those people were acquaintances, not friends. I have 3 friends and have seen me through thick and thin. I see two of them 1-2x/year and the other 1-2x/month.

This was a very good lesson for her....on so many levels. Send her away to summer camp, have her get a job, or start her in the local community college for college credit, to meet new people. When I was 16, I had one friend, but new it wasn't the quality that would last. I'm very independent and was wayyyyy to busy with work, school and getting ahead in summer school than to worry about friends.

A.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!!

Fairfax Station is a NICE neighborhood!!! It's great that you held her accountable for her actions. The other parents probably didn't do what you did.

There are things I would think of for my 16 year old to do:
* get a summer job
* go to summer school if possible
* get her in a summer sports program

I would go to church and find the Teen Program they have there and get her involved in that.

i also wouldn't worry about the people you are trying to reach out to. They have shown you they are not real friends - they are fair weather friends - and I wouldn't waste my time on them.

I also wouldn't worry about who does or doesn't want to have anything to do with you or your family - why? Because it will blow over. I would STOP talking about it. In due time, someone else's child will make a mistake and they will become the "talk of the town". I believe your daughter has learned her lesson. Get her involved in church. Get her involved in sports. Don't let her wallow around. Don't hold this one even over her head any longer. And don't talk about it with other people - it's been 3 months - let it go.

As for you and your friends? You have found them not to be true friends. Join a book club and make new friends with common interests. Also try looking into the women's group at your church. You will find people there with like-minded values and morals!! (at least we can hope!!)

Can she get a summer job?
This could be an opportunity.
Some time away from 'hanging out' with anyone can be a good thing.
It will take time to live this down, but it will pass.
If a job can't be found, she should start a hobby - learn to sew, knit, scrapbook, etc -
or maybe she could volunteer at a seniors center - make some friends who are outside her age group.

If this was a one time incident, trust me it WILL blow over because someone else will take over the lime light soon enough.
This is one of those examples where you try not to leak out lots of info to friends in family when it can be helped, it saves on "feeling" judged later.
If my child did something unsavory and got into some trouble, the last thing I would do would alert everyone I know about it, you will learn that "privacy" about certain matters is a good thing to practice.
This is a good lesson for your daughter though, sometimes the price we pay for doing something evil takes a while to pay off.
Once she starts demonstrating "responsible and loyal" behavior, the rumors of this recent incident will disipate. Let's just hope she learned a good lesson from this. I'm not sure why it's requiring family counseling.. that seems a little extreme unless there have been ongoing problems for quite some time now, and that may be why people close to you have finally decided to wash their hands of your family.
You can always move to another town and reinvent yourselves, but troubled kids will usually seek out that same "bad" group to hang out with if they dont have the self esteem to feel confident enough to rise above that crowd.

i'm not quite clear on what the problem is (well, beyond the obvious, that your daughter is having some serious issues) with the friends.
in your original question you say she has lost all her friends, and no one will have anything to do with any of you.
but your SWH indicates that the girls who have broken off contact are Mean Girls and not the type you want her to hang with anyway.
i think her lack of remorse or empathy are far more troubling than her loss of bad friends.
sounds to me as if you are handling it well.
but a girl capable of behaving as your daughter did, who is now completely unrepentant, didn't just get that way. i'm not sure why you're slamming the parents of the other girls. they may not be stellar, but they're not your problem. since your chick has come to home to roost, you've got your hands full enough with figuring out where things went wrong in your own henhouse.
khairete
S.

Wow! You are so great for following through like you did. I'm sorry to hear this is hard to live down for your daughter, even though it's a good lesson that it's not "cool" to do bad things.

All she can do is continue being a good person and wait for this to blow over. If she has some involuntary down-time from socializing, she can still focus her energy on work and productive activities-and those things will bring new friends eventually. Hopefully she can learn how to shake things off and not get bitter or angry at how people are acting and grow from this. If she gets involved in some community work (maybe through a church?), volunteering, etc she will feel self-satisfaction for helping others and make new friends as well as gain some recognition from others enough for people to know she has turned things around. Good luck, sorry this is happening.

When I was 16, I was so busy with homework, babysitting, and bagging groceries and a few other activities, I didn't have time to hang out anyway, but I had friends who also did those things. Keep her busy!

I love Cheryl O.'s response!

You sound like a wonderful mother who did exactly what should have been done in that situation, and now you are there, supporting your daughter. Continue doing that, and if I were you, I would encourage your daughter to follow Cheryl's advice.

I also agree with other's who mentioned that someone else will be in the spotlight soon. I teach high school, and although it has been 3 months since the incident, it is summer. Wait until the beginning of the school year, and the focus will likely be on something/someone else. I know this is very difficult for your daughter, but if you can get her involved in some of the activities that Cheryl mentioned, and help her meet some new people, that may help.

I'm sorry this is such a tough time.

My daughter had a similar experience in the 4th-6th grades - and we lived in a really small town so there was no place to 'turn to' to make new friends. She was very lonely for 3 years, but she did learn a valuable lesson. This past year, 7th grade, she finally started to get accepted, on a limited basis, back by a few friends. In most cases, it was the parents, not the friends that the issue layed with. And I can't blame them - I don't allow my daughter to 'hang' with the 'bad' kids either - for fear of what they might get dragged into!!! And I hear you 110% about the worry of her having to settle with the kinds of kids she's now associating with.

My advise? 1) You are fortunate she is old enough to be able to get a PT job, volunteer places, etc so she can start to expand her circle of potential friends. 2) Her old friends may not be a total lost cause yet. Perhaps the parents do not know what all you have done to remedy the situation. Is there one you are closer with that you could draft a letter to, explaining how her actions destroyed you and though you understand their fear that their kids will get dragged into this, you have all gone through counseling to prevent this behaviour in the future? Maybe appeal to them that it this situation exactly why your daughter needs to be surrounded by positive friends and role-models?

I found that the best head-way my daughter gained with her old friends was from my constant presense, making a point to be friendly everytime i saw the parents or kids. I wanted them to walk away thinking "Hmmm... maybe they aren't as bad as we thought. She seems very outgoing and friendly!" The parents i saw the most had the children that welcomed my daughter back first.

It will be ok. Sounds like she has the love and support of a good and loving mother :)

Alot of girls think that when they are rejected they are nothing. Do and say things with her to remind her who she is and all her potential. Cultivate her strengths by providing her different outlets to try - alone and with you. She may need this time apart from her peers in order to understand how people affect her behavior.

Hang in there mama.

How terrible for you guys. What I think you might try is having her outwardly show her rehabilitation....things like joining the church youth group, actively volunteering etc might go a long way to show the community that she has changed. Also in these venues she may find a group of kids more willing to forgive and forget.
Not sure why the kids that she has found are "not the kind of kids she should hang around." Hoping it has nothing to do with status or how cool they are. Anyone supporting her right now should be welcomed unless they pose a new danger to her. THis may be just the chance that she needs to revamp her life and make better choices about who to hang out with.

I'm confused - why did all of your daughter's friends drop her when she made this mistake? Did she vandalize the car of a friend? I can understand getting in trouble and having to pay back the damages... but unless she did a ton of other mean things at the same time, why haven't her friends supported her? Has she reached back out to her friends (not the wrong crowd - the ones she had before) and asked them to include her again?

I am sorry she is going through this. It sounds like you handled things correctly by making sure she took care of the damage and was punished.

Unfortunately, some people will punish her for a long time after this stupid error in her judgement.

Get her involved in some type of positive environment where she can do well, make friends and contribute.

In a few months, it will subside but you'll also find out who your real friends are when you are going through a tough time. This is a hard lesson to learn for everyone involved.

I would stop reaching out and let things fall into place. Of course, keep her monitored and keep her busy.

I agree with Cheryl O.

Get your daughter a summer job or send her to camp where she can start working on making new friends.

The "friends" who have dropped your family are not worth it.

You have done the right thing and now hold your head up and move on.

It's kind of hard to believe that no one will have anything to do with your family or your daughter because of one act of vandalism. It must have been extremely serious.

It's also hard to believe that neither you, your family nor your daughter have any really good friends who would understand that your daughter made a mistake and give her another chance.

ETA: I just read your SWH. Apparently this is not the only problem your daughter has had and it appears that this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I say if these are the people you call "friends" they really aren't friends and you should just move on.

Time heals all wounds. It is a learning experience for the whole family. If you had stated what would happen with X grouop over Z group and Z group won and this is the consequence she is learning what not to do and whom not to hang around with. My aunt used to say "water seeks its own (lowest) level.

She is now going to have to earn the trust of friends. She is going to have to seek out new friends with different goals and objectives that are positive like college and bettering themselves. When she is with people who are wanting to do wrong she should or would be best to leave the area or this will reoccur. It's called a gut feeling and not the peer pressure thing. It's best to walk away and best called a sissy than to be with the group and go down with them. She was judged as being one of the "bad" group. The old saying of you are who you associate it even if you are not that good old perception. A hard pill to swallow for many when they want to be included in the group.

Summer school, camp, babysitting, hobbies are great to take up extra time. It also shows how you can be independent of people and still be able to do something that is not connected to peers but to yourself.

Another to remind her is that the people she goes to school with will not always be the people she will associate with the rest of her life. It is a blow to the ego but it is an awakening call that there are more positive possibilities in life.

Whatever the reason for family counseling it was a good one. May you all as a family learn from this and know that you are not alone. If the families have dropped you all as a "hot potato" than you need to seek out others as they were not friends only acquaintances that you thought were friends. Most people have 2 to 4 good friends their entire life that they can count on in time of crisis.

Good luck to you all. Do keep us posted.

The other S.

PS Don't sweat the small stuff.

Teen girls can be mean and this is a hard time for your daughter (and for you, I know). I don't know if this is a possibility but - when a friend of mine had a similar situation, she actually moved her daughter to a new school for the next fall so she could find a completely new peer group. The daughter got to start over and make new friends that didn't know what had happened before. That was a few years ago, and the daughter loves the new school and will graduate with good grades and good friends soon. I know this isn't posssible for everyone, since it costs $$. But it is an option to consider.

Hi, A.:

From what you wrote, your daughter has no remorse, hangs around with unsavory teens, and doesn't like your attitude.

I would suggest you go to your nearest Mediation Center and see if they will do a restorative circle conference with your family and the families that have been affected by her behavior.

Was her case in court? If it was, they have Juvenile Justice panels that give consequences for inappropriate behavior.

If not, you can contact someone at the International Institute for Restorative Practices and ask for guidance. It's in Bethlehem, PA at ###-###-####

If that is not an option, check out some military schools. The girl needs a reality check.

Good luck.
D.

You must live in a very small-town community. That means that everyone knows everyone else's business and who is friends with whom. If your daughter is hanging around with a crowd known for causing trouble and continues to do so, people won't be forgiving until they see her making sincere reparations. Paying back the damages and counseling are great starts, but what she did also damaged the community trust. They do need time to forgive, but to also see her making amends.

She's probably feeling very "poor me" right now and that's coming out as hitting you and her dad as the closest targets. You're giving her consequences! How dare you! You must hate her! And OMG! this is so horrible that everyone everywhere hates her and always will! She's got to be holding a lot of hurt feelings inside, and I would bet a million bucks that her outward attitude is mainly because she doesn't know how to express what she's really feeling, and that she's feeling defensive. She probably thinks this incident and the issues she's been having defined her and her life FOREVER!!!111!!

I might try to get her involved in some community service projects and if your church has a youth program, get her involved in that. See if you can get her involved in Habitat for Humanity. She needs a lot of positive reinforcement and to know that you're supportive of her and helping her make a positive turnaround.