Teenage Daughter....what Is the Problem Here???

Normal teenage drama. Their privacy means everything to them. I do not understand why because they put everything on FB.

I agree with everything that Shane B said. It's fine for her to want to assert some boundaries and independence, but it is not OK for her to be rude, demanding and irrational.

I speak freely with my chidren's friends and expect them to establish a similar rapport with their friends' parents. Nothing you did was out of bounds.

My teenagers HATE it when I talk to their friends. Their friends don't seem to mind but it drives my kids crazy, they find it embarrassing. Why? I don't know and neither do they. When I ask why they are so annoyed they just say "I don't know it's just annoying!" I imagine if I texted one of them, especially a boyfriend, that would send my kids over the edge LOL!
Chalk it up to hormones and let it go.

Considering how many in law posts I see here this shouldn't be too hard to figure out. That is her boyfriend, not your friend. My daughter is 22 and if I had a text, email, or Facebook conversation that went beyond, happy birthday, congrats, or simple three word or less comments, she would flip a nut too.

Perfectly normal.

Teens do not like their parents talking to their friends. My daughter had to suck it up a bit because her friends tend to seek me out. With her boyfriend I respect boundaries. You are not.

Thing is it is great when your kids let you in their world, it doesn't happen often. Respect that she is doing that and listen to her boundaries. If not she will cut you off and then what will you have?
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Oh and her boyfriend was just being polite talking to you. Respectful boys are like that.

No your not wrong, but neither is she. She is growing up and trying to be an independent person whose relationships are not the same as her mother's. She wants privacy, you want access. She feels like your over shadowing her, your feels like your being pushed out. It's normal, but you can find a middle ground. Greet her friends and spend 5-10 min chatting but then leave them alone. Same with BF; greet, small talk, leave them alone. When your daughter needs you (or her friends) she knows you are there, but you can give her the room to grow up.

bless your heart. I know it kind of hurts your feelings. You just have to do your best to not let your emotions get involved. With that said. You did nothing wrong. I think it was very nice of you to text him. She is being a normal teen girl that is "so embarrassed" by her "over the top" mom. You are being a great mom for being involved. If it were my daughter, I would say "I'm sorry this distresses you, but you don't make the rules nor do you run my life. I will text and talk to whoever I want. I will do my best to respect that you don't want me to be involved in your relationships, but you are still a teenager, and it is MY JOB to watch over you. I do it because I love you so very much." Then turn your back so you don't have to see the eye rolls!

Well, if my mom texted my husband to congratulate him, and they engaged in conversation...I would be really weirded out. That's my husband, not her buddy. You are his girlfriend's mom, he had the conversation, because what else will he do? He was being polite, that's all. I guarantee he was weirded out.

She is a teenager, she doesn't want you to be buddy buddy with her friends, or boyfriend. You have to realize, that this is totally normal. Especially, with her boyfriend (or future boyfriends, if she has any) you really need to back off. Yes, you are a parent. However, you also need boundaries. Knowing your daughter and gathering information about her friends, is one thing. Trying to to be their friend and having the conversations your daughter should be having with them...that's another thing all together. What you are doing, is behaving like you are their friends. You are NOT. You are her mother, and you're embarrassing her. You are overstepping that fine line with teenagers. Find a balance, or you will really push your daughter away.

If I pay the phone bill, I can call or text anyone I damn well please.

Sounds pretty typical. My daughter is a good kid and fairly open, but she prefers if I don't "like" or comment on her or her friends' things on FB. She wants me to be involved and in the know, but on her terms. I would expect her to have a similar reaction to your daughter and I would have done the same thing that you did. She over-reacted to the situation like many teenage girls.

While I don't think you did anything wrong, I would respect your daughter. At 16, she doesn't want you talking to her friends like they are her friends. I can sympathize with that. A congratulations would have been great, not a continued conversation.

Respect your daughter on this one and keep it friendly, but not too friendly.

It sounds to me like the boy was responding to your congratulatory sentiments, as well he should have. It was the proper and polite thing to do. Your daughter's reaction was irrational.
Teenagers can certainly be that way, but being rude is never okay.
My boyfriends all talked to my mom. I thought nothing of it. They were at my house all the time, helped in the kitchen with dinner, etc. My male friends were at my house all the time too. They all called my mother Mom. To this day, although they are grown, married, with kids and grandkids of their own, they still call her Mom when they see her.

These days, kids are different. At about 16, my daughter HATED that her friends liked me. She HATED it. She got rude to me a few times in front of them and they called her on it. They would say, "You have the most awesome mom and you are SO mean to her!" Well, that REALLY made her mad.

I came to find out that the reason she didn't want them around me or liking me is because she was always telling them how mean and awful I was to her and how bad her life was. I guess it can be fairly typical for teens to think they have the worst life or the strictest parents, but her friends said they'd gladly trade places. They met me, I was gracious, had a good job, she lived in a beautiful home, had an adorable little brother. It didn't exactly match up with her horror stories.

Now that my daughter is a grown woman with a child of her own, she often apologizes for how badly she treated me.

Here's the thing...she may be trying to exert some independence, but she needs to remember that she is still a kid and you are a grown woman.
She has no right to tell you who you can and can't talk to or what you can and cannot say, especially in your own home.

There is nothing at all wrong with saying, "Hello, Anne and Jane, nice to see you, how are you doing today?" You shouldn't feel like you have to hide somewhere in your own home so as not to interact at all with her guests.
You don't need to sit right in the middle of them and ask them a million questions, but you also shouldn't be expected to pull a disappearing act either. She can get as territorial and enforce all the rules she wants once she can pay for the roof over her own head.

Like I said, my daughter's friends didn't like the way she treated me. It just made her look like a rude and spoiled brat. Your daughter's boyfriend and girlfriends might not like that about her either.

All I know is that boys are so much easier!! All I have to do is feed them. They tell me all kinds of things that go on at school and with their other activities. They even invite me to play video games with them, but only because I'm so bad at it that it's hilarious to them. They're 17 and I've known most of them since kindergarten.

You might talk with your daughter and tell her that you understand she wants some privacy to a point, and you will try to respect that. However, she needs to show you some respect in the first place. You are not crossing a line by acknowledging her friends when they enter your home, you were not crossing a line by congratulating her boyfriend for his exemplory accomplishments. Heck, you are very proud of him. Him being a part of her life for as long as he's been, you don't understand why it would be weird to congratulate him. Ask her what sort of agreement seems fair that doesn't include being rude to you by basically telling you to keep it zipped...in YOUR own home? Her wanting her friends over and you acting like you don't live there isn't on the table. Is she ashamed or embarrassed by you? Are you not "cool" enough? Is she possessive in other ways to the extent that her friends can only be HER friends?

She has a mom. You're not going away. There is nothing wrong with some verbal interaction between acquaintences.

I, personally think it would be weird for someone to come to my house and just go upstairs without speaking to me and then leave without speaking to me. Or sit in my house watching TV, eating snacks, and never speak to me. Your daughter might find that to be the best scenario, but there has to be a happy medium somewhere and rudeness has no part in it.

Like I said, I never had these issues with my son.

You're just going to have to talk to her and let her know she can express feelings, but she owes you an apology for being rude. She owes her boyfriend an apology for freaking out.

You need to come to some kind of agreement because you're not going to pretend you aren't her mother and don't live in your own home to suit her or her friends.

Just my opinion.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong.

My oldest (son) is only 14. And he might or might not have a different opinion. But really, I don't care if he does. Teenagers are moody, and protective of their private lives (except for everything they post of FB, right?). They want to be independent of their parents and be their own person, which to a teenagers immature mind, means their friends cannot have a relationship with their parents. The whole "all my worlds colliding" thing.

It is probably pretty normal for her to feel this way. The thing is, that it doesn't mean she is right and that you shouldn't be welcoming and friendly to guests in your home or that you shouldn't be nice and personable with her friends. She is allowed to feel jealousy and angst over anything you do. She is a teenager. BUT, it doesn't mean she is right or that you are doing anything wrong.

I know... not a big help. Just, I think that is how it is. It is what it is.

I was a goody two shoes kid, so I didn't have problems like this. And she does need to apologize for being disrespectful and get a bit more adult with her behavior. But think back to when you were her age - were you mortified when your mom tried to be "nice" to your friends?

You're being the polite grown-up, of course. But all your daughter things is "OMG, my MOM is talking to my friends! I'm SO embarrassed!" It's stupid, but normal. It's a developmental thing - independence, etc., but really annoying to the parent.

Be direct - let her know that she needs to not be disrespectful to you. You will not be rude to her guests, who are guests in your home. You are also not intending to be friends with her friends/boyfriend. BUT you will have civil converstions with them when it is appropriate, and you will not be rude.

She's kinda being rediculous, but it's coming from an insecure place of transitioning to an adult and having independent relationships. Somehow you have to communicate to her that you "get" that. Ugh, teen years!

Mo-om, you're being embarrassing. I didn't want my mother to talk to my boyfriend much either. I'm really glad that we didn't have cell phones and texting back then.

Congratulating him was fine. Let it end at that though, you don't need to continue a conversation. Handle it by respecting your daughter's wishes.

I haven't read the other responses Mom, but your daughter sounds like she is trying to spread her own wings and she doesn't want you near her efforts, so please but out...is the attitude I am picking up on.

I have a 24 year old, and the last 8 years have been full of her practice efforts at making and keeping boundaries and the topic could change from boyfriends to finances in a heartbeat, and we were not allowed to tell her what do do, etc.

So, we just took the basic route of, we love you and care for you as your parents and want what's best for you and we brought you into this world so therefore you can hear us out...and I will not be changing my personality to suit your daily whim regarding your made up rules of whether or not I can text congratulations to a BF you've had two years...not two months or two weeks.

And I'm happy to report that my 24 yo DD is basically back to a normal, rational human being and even flew herself home for 2 weeks this past Christmas.

They have to try on rules....maybe she saw one of her friends behave this way towards a parent and she thought it was very grown up. Who knows....just keep loving and guiding her.

Just based on what I have seen with my own kids and now with my husband's niece who recently turned 16. It is like being invited to a party but you have to stand on the side. Watch but don't participate. I kind of expect to get a bit of this from my kids as they really move into their teens. My older are 13, almost 14. Right now it is okay for me to tease, joke around and ask questions with their friends. But I am sure one day will come they will get more possessive and want to insert a bit of a barrier. These are their friends and I am "just" mom. It sounds like you might have a great relationship and she may just be trying to put a little separation between mom and daughter, which I would think it totally normal.

You aren't doing anything wrong however she's trying to separate herself from you which is an important step in becoming an adult. Your intent is to be friendly, welcoming, and supportive to the people who are important in your daughter's life but she hasn't reached the level of knowing herself to see this.

As a mom to 3 daughters I can tell you that it'll be better if you back off a little. When her friends are over you can pop into the room and say hi but move along after. If the girls want to talk with you they'll manage to find you and chat.

It'll get better as she gets a little older and starts to figure it all out. Right now she's in the 'you just don't know how it feels to be me' stage.

I must say I am surprised by the responses that say you don't need to talk to your teens friends; don't get to know them, etc.

All I can say is I raised two stepsons and one daughter and now am raising one granddaughter and have 7 more grandchildren who spend a great deal of time at my house and I know their friends and they want me to know their friends.

My teenage grandsons bring their friends to my house - heck they even spend the night there with my grandsons. The grandsons and their friends sit in the living room with hubby and I and chat. Sometimes the friends show up before the grandsons and we chat. No big deal.

I want to know my kids and grandkids friends. And my kids and grandkids WANT us to know their friends. Why? Because they have nothing to hide. They don't have to worry about what will be said.

So, IMHO, she doesn't want you talking to them because she has things to hide and she's afraid of what will be said.

and btw, if my child told me to "never" do something again, it would be all I could do not to slap him/her. I am the parent; they are the child and they WILL speak to me with respect. Telling me to never do something again is not something I would accept from a child.

From my own experiences, I think the worst thing you can do here is make her feel like you don't give a fig about her feelings. Honestly, I don't think it matters "why" she feels the way she feels. I'd respect that. Someday in the future she'll thank you for it. You could have congratulated him in person.

Both my mother and my mother-in-law have the holier-than-thou idea that they do not answer to anyone. They both communicate with and have relationships with whomever they wish. There is never any regard to how their children feel about it. Even if the person in question is an ex who is trying to make their child's life hell. Because of this, my husband and I both do not have good relationships with our mothers. We do not feel respected by them.

This is your first chance to show your daughter you respect her. Please don't tell her she's "being ridiculous". She's asked you not to text him. I'd assume because the "closeness" that it entails is making her uncomfortable. So don't text him anymore. Easy fix.

Also, if you push her on this and demand to be "in charge" she will only see you as controlling. And it will probably affect her willingness to share her feelings next time.

Good luck.

She is setting a boundary. She doesn't want you texting boyfriend or talking with him that way. Sounds like her delivery was poor but she got her point across. I think you should have at most just texted congratulations and not started a whole conversation. You could have congratulated him when you saw him in person the next time. Instead it sounds like you chatted with him and it upset your daughter. Tell your daughter you won't do that again but she also needs to be respectful with you as well.

Sounds to me like she's trying to establish the boundaries of what she considers 'her life' - and keep it sepearate from yours. There may be things about herself that she doesn't want you to know. They don't even have to be bad things! I remember when I was a teenager establishing a wall like that between 'my life' and my parents. And that wall still exists to some extent this very day. I'm a private person. My mother has always been very nosy and has gone way beyond to snoop into business that wasn't hers before. She just wanted to know for the sake of knowing. I find i don't tell her things just because of that. I don't think it will ever change.

I agree with a lot of what's been already said so I'm not going to repeat it.

I would like to let you know that many years later your relationship will change and she will appreciate your ability to talk with her boyfriend/husband and her friends. In fact, it will be important to her that you have a good relationship with these people.

So hang in there! Teen years are hard. Now that I have a tween I find myself calling up my mom and apologizing for how I was!

I see this as normal behavior. I have an 18 yr old daughter and when she had a steady boyfriend, she didn't want us carrying on conversations with him, etc.

It was just fine for him to join us for dinner, etc but something about a teen and parents conversing with their boyfriends (and girlfriends for that matter).

The teens do not want mom and dad being "cool" (even if you are not) with friends, etc. We are suppsed to be "mom and dad" and that's it. In private my daughter was very converastional, loving etc.

I went through a tough time because I was in a major volunteer position at the high school (10-11th grades) and I didn't know why my daughter was in an "I hate mom" mode and avoided me like the plague if I was at school.

I learned a little later on while I was at the salon getting my hair done because daughter sees the same stylist. I mentioned how I felt like she hated me and I wasn't supposed to speak to any of her friends but at home she was my loving child. I was floored when the stylists told me that daughter told her that she hated it when I was at the school because I was the "hot mom" and the boys liked me. UGH !! I've always dressed nicely ( far from slutty) but at the same time, I have been mistaken for a student at the school as well.

So bottom line, you are not doing anything wrong. The girls want independence, privacy and responsibility. Just keep your ears wide open and listen to your daughter everytime she does talk to you.

Our daughter will graduate this June and things got MUCH better by the time she hit 11th grade at her Sr High School. It is not unusual now for her to have 2-3 girls and boys here on weekend nights and they call me into the kitchen to please make my homemade marinara sauce for them and they all talk about school. So things do get better!! I also volunteer a lot at the Sr. High school and I choose volunteer opportunities that put me with teachers and staff vs working directly with the students because I respect my daughter and the last thing I want is for her to feel threatened.

Good luck!

I think she sees it as you crossing the line of being a parent and instead trying to be a friend. She's 16; she doesn't want you to be her friends' friend. Plus, it interferes with her independence and her privacy (delving into her relationships and personal business). I think you should respect that as much as you can. It was fine to text her boyfriend your congratulations, but moving onto idle conversation crossed too close to the "friendship" zone. She wants to sometimes be able to discuss how her mom drives her crazy, and she doesn't want her friends defending you or perhaps going back to you telling what she said. In this instance, I'd say that you need to take a step back, but also let your daughter know that she can discuss her concerns with you without being disrespectful.

Maybe it seems like you are too friendly with her friends or boyfriend when you are texting them (like a friend would). Not saying you are being too friendly but rather that she perceives it that way. Maybe she felt you shouldn't have text him since she shared his info with you and maybe she felt "now he knows I told my mom". Not that she shoulnd't have (it's great news) but kids can be funny like that sometimes.

Talk to her (when she's not upset about it) and ask her what the problem is...she doesnt' trust you?, she doesn't trust them? or she's trying to keep you from getting to close just in case she severs the relationship?

I read your title and said, "There's your answer right there." It sounds to me like you are not doing anything "wrong". She is a hormonal, unpredictable (even to herself) teenager.

She owes you an apology for being disrespectful. I don't think that you should make a big deal of it. I think that going forward, you should not call or text her friends unless it's urgent. That mode of communication might feel inappropriate to her because it's for people who have an intimate "in" to each other. You have no direct or independent relationship with him, so you should have waited until he came over to congratulate him and have any discussion. Or even ask her to invite him over so you could congratulate him. I would have been disturbed if my mother had picked up the phone and called one of my friends to talk. That's what it's like for her. And my parents were the kind who wouldn't let me go anywhere with anybody they didn't know and feel comfortable with. (They were all up in my business, but there was a line between them and my friends.)

Continue to chat and be present when her friends come over, but keep the boundaries clear between her world and yours. Ask them how they're doing when they first arrive. Hang out in the next room for a few minutes while they get their conversations going. (Listen just enough to get a good feel for what's going on.) Then, go on your way, making it clear that you can walk through/appear at any time. Give them some sense of privacy to discuss their interests. You should be part of the conversation for a very brief period of time; you should not pull up a chair. The exception would be if you guys are including them in a family activity, like dinner or a game.

Are there problems in her relationship? If not she may just want you to be the "uninvolved" mom. I would just explain to her that you were congratulating the young man and that you meant no harm. Also tell her that she can talk to you about anything. I feel (and I am no therapist, just going by how I felt at that age) there is a bigger problem here than you talking to her friends.

Not to be wierd but was it her time of the month? Emotions can play a lot into anger. Had you been fighting?

I think sitting down with her and explaining things with her would help a lot.

How is your daughter in regards to her grades, her ambitions, what she wants to do with her life? It sounds like her boyfriend is very intelligent, is doing something geared toward further education/career possibility--could it be that this latest achievement of his has your daughter jealous? Or afraid that he will start looking for someone more in his league (smart-wise, career-wise, someone who already knows what they want in life?) so that she is suddenly very insecure? You tell us an awful lot about this wonderful boy she's been dating--but what about your daughter? Is she able to keep up with him grade-wise, knowing what she wants to do with her life, being able to relate with/to him? Maybe things have already been a bit rocky, and his suddenly getting this very important honor is looming in front of her and making her suddenly doubt everything. I would definitely keep an eye on things and monitor how they (their relationship) goes along from here on in.

she must have issues with her self confidence.

When I was growing up. my group of friends all had parents like my mom, we could sit with them for hours and visit..

Thank goodness our daughter is the same. Her friends come over and we all visit. My husband and I excuse ourselves to give them privacy, but many times, they ask us to stay.

we also can go to dinner and take her friends and they are very engaged and share so much with us. Even when our daughter was out of state for college, I was in contact with her friends in town.. And her friends in college were cute and would fb me..

I do know some people really have a way of needing to keep groups of people in compartments and can not deal when they all mix.. maybe your daughter is like that.

Just speak with her.. remind her that you are not trying to cross a line, but you are fond of this boy and want him and his family to know that you all are excited and proud of him.. she is making it into a way bigger deal than it needs to be.

Are you sure she is not thinking of breaking up with him?..

I think you are right on with wanting to get to know the people she spending time with in her life. Do you have any idea why she is having this reaction? Does it feel like typical adolescent drama? I would sit her down, maybe over a Starbucks, and try and get to the bottom of this. Does she feel like you are too intrusive generally? Are you by any chance too into her space, or is she just having a goofy reaction? Either way, the two of you have to sort this out and get to a better place. Blessings!

You're doing nothing wrong-you are the parent and your daughter is the child-actually acting like one-and you have every right to track her every move, congratulate her friends on their accomplishments, and insert yourself into her life whenever necessary. Don't think otherwise.

The old saying is "Your best friend can become your worst enemy because they know all the deep dark secrets". They also know where the bodies are buried...lol.

She may have been very close to these friends and is afraid they'll slip on something she doesn't want you to know. That doesn't mean she's sneaking around doing bad things. She may have told them about her most secret desire of what to be as an adult or silly girl things, none of which she wants shared with anyone, especially her mom.

So I think this is normal girl behavior. She's told these people her secrets and if they ever turn on her they have the biggest baddest ammunition in the world to use against her.

If they feel comfortable talking to you and they have a fight those girls or the boyfriend will feel okay calling you and telling all. This is frightening to all teenage girls. So this is totally normal for everyone.

If any child of mine tried to tell me who I could and could not text, I'd tell him exactly where he could get off and I'd take away his phone for a few days.
You are the parent - and I get it that YOU are not the friend.
But that does NOT mean that you can't be friendly.
Daughter is trying to separate herself as an independent person away from Mom.
It's a growth process - and it's fine - to a degree.
But she's still your child, and you can and will communicate with anyone you want as you see fit with nary a by her leave.
When she's in college, she'll have all the independence she can handle.
She's getting a little ahead of herself.
Adjust her attitude accordingly.

Have you embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend or her friends? Like "Sarah had a teddy bear till she was 10" or "Sarah used to pick her nose & eat it".

If yes then she's afraid of you spilling the beans and embarrassing her. Personally I would let her know that when someone who has been *in* the family for quite sometime, deserves acknowledgement for such a big accomplishment. Tell her you will not over step your boundaries in her relationships but she needs to cut you some slack for just being nice.

I think everyone is reading into this too much. She's 16. What 16 year old isn't embarrassed by their parents? I wouldve been mortified if my mom was contacting my friends/boyfriend when I was that age. I don't think she needs to be punished. Instead, pay attention to her feelings and take them into consideration.

You aren't doing anything wrong, and neither is she. Well, except for being rude to you, she should be talked to about that. As others said, she is wanting to have this friend/bf life separate from you. Stinks as a parent, but normal. Be glad that she has a nice boyfriend and good friends that come to your house. You can still be around and observing the goings on, but not being too friendly.

I'm not comparing you to my MIL because what you describe is quite minor and not constant, and is just starting. But my MIL is ridiculous in this way, and my husband can resent her for it. His parents always wanted, and still want, to be friends with his friends. If he gets on FB and adds a friend, you can bet that by the next day his mom has friended that person as well. It's crazy. And the result is that he doesn't want to talk much to that friend anymore because he can't stand his mom adding her comments all the time. From reading your post, I can see that his mom just wants to stay connected to him in this way and be a part of his life, but it has had the opposite effect.

This could also be a good opportunity to show her that you trust her. Let her know you understand where she is coming from, and you will back off of her friends and not text bf (except for emergencies). But this does not mean you are to be a mute in your own home. You will say hi to her friends and be polite, but you won't hover because you trust her. This could set a nice precedent. Good luck!

Don't take it too seriously, mom, this is typical for teenagers. They are trying out their independence, and don't like mom texting their friends. Almost all of them feel the same way. You are doing nothing wrong.

Obviously, you don't want to constantly text her friends and her boyfriend, but if the situation warrants it, as this did, you have every right to text him. If she doesn't like you being too friendly to her friends, say, "Too bad, I like your friends, so I get to talk to them when they are in my house." I'm pretty sure my daughter said something similar at 16.

Like I said, that's completely normal 16 year old behavior. Do what you want to do, ignore your daughter's protests, just don't allow her to be too rude.

But allow her a little privacy and alone time with her friends when they are at your house. I don't get the sense that you are one of those overbearing moms who wants to be best buds with all her kids' friends and hang out with them all the time, so that won't be an issue.

By the time she's a senior, she will be outgrowing this. SO glad my daughter isn't 16 any more.

I have been there....Its a tough time for being a teenager and I can understand wanted to get involved in your daughters life, friends etc....but I would advise you to have boundaries....yes even we as parents have them too... I have a lot of friend on facebook and some of them are even my daughters friends...however I let them approach me and believe me...it may not be now...but it will happen and there will come a time....In the meantime having a occasional starbucks coffee with your daughter and her friends as a treat or even when they are over.. should be the time to converse and get to know what they feel and are into... My daughters are now older and each with their own families...that too is a different time for us...I know them know in a different light...so all good things are to come..... Good Luck!

Is she possessive? Jealous? Needy?

I would talk to her about the underlying behavior. If she's doing nothing wrong, then she shouldn't fear you talking to them about normal things. That's what people do - they acknowledge the people in their family member's lives. If the BF has been around for 2 years, why wouldn't you congratulate him?

16 is when kids are really black and white. It's all or nothing. It can be incredibly frustrating to get them to see shades of gray, but you should try to address this. If she is possessive where there is no need, she's going to push people away in her life. Nobody likes to be compartmentalized or told they can't interact with, basically, their in-law. She really needs to get a grip.

If she doesn't trust him, that's one thing but she was still rude to both of you. If she is insecure, she needs to address that, vs lashing out. Would SHE like to be told by him that she couldn't talk to people?

ETA: This is assuming that you are just chatty and let them move on and do their thing vs trying to be a part of their activities.

if i were 16 i wouldve been mortified if my mom texted my friends or boyfriend... im not saying u did anytthing wrong but thats just how i wouldve felt... i can guarantee u if all u said was congrats on what youre doing with school, and ended it there she wouldnt have had a problem with it

You didn't do anything wrong but your daughter probably thinks it is an invasion on her privacy for you to talk to her boyfriend even if you are just having a general conversation and not drilling him for answers about their relationship. But your daughter probably feels that it could lead to that down the road. I totally agree and understand of wanting to be in the 'now' of the teen world, but it sounds like you need to do it more like a CIA agent than an active participant.

As hard as it may be, respect your daughter on this. If you don't you risk her putting up a wall and not being able to have an open and honest conversation with her later. She wants you to be a mom not a friend, if that makes sense. She is probably trying to find her adult place in the game of life and as long as you are there by her side as a quiet (but open) partner, she'll let you in when she needs you.

Just let her know you respect her privacy but if you feel it warranted, you will call/text her friends and she needs to respect that as well.

Good luck!
S.

I hit a rough patch with my mom when I was 13, and it lasted until the end of my 15th year. She could do nothing right and I was so angry with her almost all of the time. I remember feeling protective of my space and privacy in an irrationally passionate way, even though my mom respected my privacy and gave me enough space to explore myself and world.

When I turned 16, I made a good friend. She and her mom were so sweet to each other. They were real and honest too. I remember feeling envious of that relationship (not in a negative way), and I vowed to treat my mom respectfully.

I moved out of my home when I was 17 and have lived alone since, and my mom and I have been close throughout it all. We argue sometimes, and then work it out. She has a relationship with my many of my friends, and sometimes does things with my husband and the kids, without me. I live in the same town as her (mostly because she lives here) and see her a few times a week. We chat on the phone during the week as well.

But for a while there, I just could not stand the site of her. She "didn't get me", and just "wanted to control me", and I was "ready to be on my own" (this is what I believed at 13), and blah, blah, blah. My mom wasn't doing anything wrong. I was going through some stuff AND I was a teenager doing it...and the combination looked messy.

It really helped that my mom knew to give me enough space that I was able to stretch my arms. I wasn't an easy teen (though easier than my sister, so in our family I was always considered the easy one) and my mom knew that if she held on TOO tight, I'd push harder. She let me know she was there. She checked up on me. She gave me consequences for my behavior. She listened to me with an open heart when I was willing to talk. She had my back when I was hurting and it wasn't my fault.

I believe this helped me to feel safe with her and, eventually, to let her in with my whole heart (again). And now, as an adult, I am very grateful for my mom (even when she drives me mad ;-).

I don't know that you're doing something "wrong". I don't think that's really the point. Your daughter wants/needs? space and is asking for it (disrespectfully/immaturely). How can you let her know that you understand her need, while also communicating that you have needs of your own, like to be respected?