Teenage Depression - Any Insight?

wow. im so sorry. i used to cut when i was a teenager. i didnt do it for attention, or as a suicide attempt, but instead because i felt that i was hurting so bad inside, if it were visible, (real) then i could make it stop. it was a coping skill, albeit the wrong one. looking back now, things werent that bad to take it to that level, and i still dont know why i did. depression is scary, not for just those who suffer from it. i didnt know what i was feeling half the time. i mean, it was hard to pin point any 1 emotion and to understand what had made me feel that way.
eventually, i grew out of it. i decided one day enough was enough and i didnt want the growing number of scars on my body. meditation helped alot. it gave me a chance to focus on my feelings and i would ask myself what about this situation is making me feel this way. i cant really explain it, but i would mostly have 2 reactions to situations. hurt or angry because i was hurt. i never really dove deeper beyond those 2. but once i did ask myself why am i hurt, why am i angry it became easier to understand and deal with the underlying emotions. painting, dancing and writing helped alot too. keeping a journal gave me the same sense on "emotional release" that the cutting did. im sorry, i really dont know any advice to give. i hope things get better.

It is great you are being their for your daughter. I am a cutter. I started when I was 13 after being raped. I am also a trained counselor. I have not cut in 10 years, but it will always be a part of who I am. First thing for you is to understand that cutting is not about you or attention, it is simply a coping mechanism. It is important to never make it about you by saying things like "if you loved me you would not hurt yourself" because that will only increase the guilt and shame and depression. A great book to help you (and her) understand cutting is "a bright red scream self-mutilation and the language of pain" by Marilee Strong. It was the one I gave to my husband to read so he could better understand me. You say she enjoys it, and in a way that is true. It is not the cutting she enjoys, but the release she gets from it, the reminder that she is still alive. Is the counselor she is seeing well versed in not only teen issues but in self mutilation disorders? It is very important that he or she be because it is still an area of mental health that many do not understand. Please feel free to message me with any questions you may have. It can be so scary seeing your child hurt themselves and not understanding why, but if you continue to support her, never judge her, and love and guide her, she can come out of this and find new ways to cope with her emotions.

Blessed Be

Well, I am sorry you are going through this. My first piece of advise would be for you to back up and give her a little bit more room. You say "we" alot and I think its GREAT that you are supportive. But YOU can't dig her out of this hole. SHE has to find the inner strength to do it.

You said "As her mom I will get encouraged when she has a good few days, or even a week - then I find out something that she's not told me and I realize we're not making the progress I thought." This is a very dangerous statement. You ABSOLUTELY must stop tying any of her progress to you. She needs to have her own identity and her own successes with this. I do realize that you want to help and you are a good mother for it!!!!!!

Cutting is a VERY serious disease and the reason she 'enjoys' it is because she wants to feel THAT pain instead of the pain she isn't wanting to deal with. YOU can't do anything to help her stop cutting - except support her and give her the room to succeed and make mistakes without her feeling like she has to please you. She needs to be doing this for HER not for you.
Cutting is addictive and is rooted in tolerance - which means that once you become accustomed to certain level of pain you must INCREASE the pain level in order to get the same 'benefit'.

This is the same sort of mindset that you reference when you say 'she seems to enjoy the attention she gets from negative things....'
Of course she does. That's indicative of her mental illness. So, she needs to re-learn how to get enjoyment from things that are healthy. But at her age, most of this will have to be done by her - not by you.
It is very frustrating for you, I'm sure, to not have something concrete that you can do to help your daughter. But I would encourage you to deal with YOUR own losses from last year. Throwing all your energy into helping your daughter isn't going to help either of you in the long run. If you aren't seeing an individual counseler I would urge you to do that.

Also - your timelines for encouragement/disappointment seem a bit unrealistic to me. This is something that is going to take MONTHS or YEARS of 2 steps forward - 3 steps back - 1 step forward - 1 step back - 5 steps forward - 2 steps back. If you get discouraged by every step back you will miss whether or not she is balancing out in the big picture. You can't micromanage the progress of this disease, you HAVE to look at the overall process she is in and that takes time. So, you can compare 'was this setback as big as the last one.... last 2.... last 3? Are we ahead of where we were 3 months ago? 6 months ago?' But you can't compare week to week. You'll both just be frustrated.

My thoughts are with you and I wish you and your family much peace with your journey.

Wow, I found Toni's feedback very unhelpful and negative. It sounds like she considers herself a Christian, yet she doesn't adhere to the saying "Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again."

You deserve no negative judgment. It sounds like you are doing everything right - you have gotten your daughter into counseling, you have made sure that she is receiving needed medication, you take her regularly to the psychiatrist, you talk with her openly about what's going on with her, you treat her with compassion and with a genuine curiosity to understand her pain and to help.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. It's so difficult to watch. I myself have struggled with depression on and off for many years. What's helped me the most are the love and support of others, the miracles of modern antidepressants, and cognitive therapy. Have you or your daughter read the book Feeling Good? It's a great book that uses cognitive therapy concepts to battle depression. It's by David Burns.

Adolescence is so hard, especially for girls. It's great that you're so supportive of your daughter!

Good luck!

Gosh, I am so sorry you are going through this. Sounds like you are trying lots of things.

The only thing I was wondering, is there a support group for parents in your area? Maybe hearing others and their experiences. Or a support group for your daughter might at least you you all know you are not alone. .
Depression has such a bad stigma attached, some people are ashamed.
Remembering that this is totally a physiological problem helps. Being depressed can be like having a life threatening disease. If not treated it can lead to death.

While depressed the lack of energy, the lack of will is what you fight with 24 hours a day. You long to just sleep and let it all pass you by.

What has helped me most is the right medications, surrounding myself with people that love me and listen to me and are overall upbeat types of people. I have to to explain my situation and I have felt very vulnerable, because I am used to being control and being strong.

What DOES your daughter have control of in her life?
What does she do well despite her depression?
What does she excel at?
These are things you can try to encourage and help her with..

Has she ever spoken about her future plans?
We used to speak with our daughter about what are her plans.. Then what would it take to reach these goals. We also reminded her we would love to help in any way SHE would like our help.

We spoke about changes or failures are not negatives, but they are actually opportunities.

Our daughter has admitted she is worried because she does not know what she wants to be or do for a living. We pull her back by telling her to just focus on the now and trying different things she thinks she is interested in. It is good to know what you do not like, just as much as it is good to know what you do like.

Being a teenager is frightening. She looks like a grown up. She is viewed as beautiful, but maybe her idea of beautify is not what she sees when she looks in the mirror. She sees a lonely, lost, little girl who has no idea who she is or who she is going to be. She sees the real her. It is a lot of pressure to live up to others expectations.

I am sending you Peace and Strength.

Hi there, I have a 12yo daughter going through something very similar only she refuses church and any involvement in activities therefore isolating herself from others and consistently gets let down by her "friends". She doesn't cut but has tried to commit suicide several times. Since she has been in counseling she hasn't tried but I've had that thought in the back of my head. I've had to just step back, be there when she needs me and pray that God will guide her. I also pray that God will guide me when I need to be there for her and when I need to let go. My pastor gave me great advice when I was in the thick of everything. He said to me, "God only gives you what HE can handle." It took me awhile to accept that but ever since I have I am managing so much better. Me being strong for her is so much better than not. I recognize her good behavior when it happens and give her time when the bad behavior rears it's ugly head then we discuss it briefly and move on.
Keep your faith, believe in Him, trust in Him.
K.

I just want to send you positive thoughts and support that your daughter (and you!) will get through this safely for a better tomorrow. Your whole family has really undergone much emotional trauma.

I am coping with the severe depression and anxiety of my mother in law, who lives with us. Different generations and manifestations, sure, but the heartache is still the same! The only thing I can suggest is that you keep pursuing the correct medication combination. Without that stabilizing factor, the talk therapy won't be as helpful as it could.

In my mother-in-law's case, a certain medicine was prescribed and seemed to help, though over time it became clear that it wasn't helping enough. The dose was increased and there's been improvement (much to our joy), but when she was recently evaluated by a geriatric physician, it was clear to them that she remains in a deeper depression than even we could acknowledge at the time. We didn't realize that she could have a better response still from a different medicine or a combination of medicines. So we are continuing to pursue the right combination, after which the talk therapy may have a better chance of helping.

Your daughter is lucky to have such a loving family and lots of resources to help; if she doesn't already, then one day she will fully understand this. Stay strong -- that means don't forget to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF too! It's too easy to be swept into the current in such a situation. I speak from experience.

All the best to you and your family!

I'm so sorry your daughter is going through this, and that you are suffering along with her.

If she is on medication, her medication may need adjusting or changed.

My other thought is to have you schedule an appointment so that YOU can go see her talk counselor & psychiatrist, both at the same time, if possible (maybe schedule a phone consult. with one if they can't come to where the other professional is), and ask your questions. Come in armed with questions--like the cutting and her liking it, how you can help/encourage her more, etc.

Even though you both like & are comfortable w/ the therapists she's working with, sometimes, with some of these things, she needs to be challenged to dig into this--ie, that it can be uncomfortable working through this, and that maybe she might be too comfortable where she is and need to find new professionals who will push her to delve into the uncomfortable areas of her self-growth.

you can only support her thru this process. It's up to her to see the "light".

My heart goes out to you & your family. Prayers & Peace being sent your way.

Do you think that homeschooling is an option, and something she's be interested in doing? It could be that she'd be much happier if she didn't have to be in the toxic environment that is high school. If you are able to homeschool her, then she could do her schoolwork at her own pace at home and she could excel at her schoolwork without the added pressure of comparing herself to other kids in her school. She could do her schoolwork at home, stay involved in all her church activities, maybe volunteer somewhere, take classes or have lessons in whatever activities interest her; and you could find a homeschooling group in the area where she can connect with other homeschooled teenagers.

I only bring this up as an option to consider, because I was depressed in high school, and I remember the pain of having to be surrounded by tons of people that I felt no connection with, feeling bad because I wasn't "popular," feeling bad that I wasn't at the top of my class anymore with my grades (I was a straight-A honor student, but not THE BEST), and just wishing that I didn't have to be in a place where I felt so left out and so inadequate compared to others. It could be possible that she would do better learning at home, away from the pressures that teens put on each other to be popular. Just a thought, one option you could consider. Whatever you decide to do, good luck. I know it's not easy going through this; I hope you are able to find the best solution for your daughter.